Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome back to Spill the Tea Unfiltered. Hey, guys.
Hey.
So we're back. I myself just got back from New York.
[00:00:10] Speaker B: How was New York?
[00:00:12] Speaker A: Well, we all know it's not my favorite city.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: Not mine either.
[00:00:17] Speaker A: But I went to go see the Cursed Child on Broadway because Tom Felton, who played Draco Malfoy in the TV show or in the movies, is playing himself as a father in the Broadway show. And that was amazing.
[00:00:34] Speaker B: That's awesome.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: I got to get his autograph for my friend's book.
And she has this huge crush on him that's like her, like, love. And so she got to see him.
He got really close to us. We got in a photo with him. And then I got video of him, like, signing her book.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Awesome.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: And she got to professor Love to him and then tell him that she hoped he sleeps good. So she. It was so cute, given.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: I know who you're talking about. Like, that makes it even more sweet.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: It was super cute. So we. We had a good time. We also saw the Stranger Things. Okay, how was that, bro? Amazing. The actually, like, everybody was talking about Crush Child and how the effects are for it, but to me, and they were great. Don't get me wrong, the Stranger Things effects were insane. I still don't know how they, like, did some of it. Like, I'm just like, how is this just all tricks of light? Like, how it seems impossible?
[00:01:38] Speaker B: And it made me want to take a trip to New York now.
[00:01:40] Speaker A: It was awesome.
[00:01:41] Speaker B: I hated New York.
[00:01:42] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm not a fan, but they. They brought like a demogorgon to life. Like, it was insane. So definitely worth seeing if you go to New York and then other than that, I mean, you walk a lot. It's New York, so you walk everywhere. The subways are really dirty. There were rats everywhere. And the food was fine. But, like, people are always like, the food's so good. I'm like, is it like. It's. I don't know.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: The pizza was really good. I'm not gonna lie. I low key, kind of missed that pizza.
The subways disgusting. When we went.
Somebody had peed in the elevator. And we're having a, you know, take it for my nephew who is in a wheelchair.
Well, we went to go get on the elevator and literally, I think that person needs to be on dialysis. It smells, like, so bad.
[00:02:26] Speaker A: Yeah, they probably do.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: What is wrong with this place?
[00:02:29] Speaker A: Yeah, it. It's gross. It's a very gross city.
Did not love that.
Loved the shows, but.
And loved the company, but I Was okay not, you know, being on them streets all day.
[00:02:45] Speaker B: Like, it's not on my list of places to go back to.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: No, no. I was like, I. I think it had been 10 years since I had been. And I was like, and I'm good for another 10 years. Like, I don't need to go back.
But, yeah, so that was definitely.
But the shows were cool. I think that's the only thing that we miss here.
We don't have good, like, art, really, down here in the South. Like, that's a harder thing to come by down here because obviously they don't invest in it as much down here, so.
But yeah, it was a good show.
So that's really all I have is, like, obsessing over Tom Felton.
You haven't really been on dating apps. I know you were busy with stuff, so you haven't been on dating apps. And so that's. That's our story.
If you love Tom Felton, get there before. Maybe before he leaves Broadway. So that's our tip for today.
[00:03:38] Speaker B: And somebody please convince Lauren to go to Maui with me.
[00:03:43] Speaker A: Listen, if somebody. You know what? If you want to pay for it? Like, if somebody out there wants to pay for me to fly to Maui,
[00:03:49] Speaker B: I just want to go to Maui.
I need traveling friends.
[00:03:53] Speaker A: Listen, I do travel. I just. Dick put me in a bind, and now I have no credit cards.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: Please pay Lauren so she can go to Maui.
[00:04:01] Speaker A: There it is. If Dick will pay me, I can go to Maui. So please, Dick pay, please.
Okay, so we're.
We got a email from somebody, okay.
And she's calling the story Smoke and Mirrors.
[00:04:19] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:04:20] Speaker A: So that's intriguing.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: Smoke and Mirrors. Interesting.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: So, hi, ladies. About a week ago, I was helping my brother clean out one of his spare rooms, and I found a photo from his wedding that I had never seen before.
And the second I looked at it, my stomach literally dropped. I was in the background, sitting at one of the tables, and my face was red and puffy from crying. And next to me, my ex.
He was smiling all smug like nothing was wrong. That photo was taken during a time in my life when I hit rock bottom. I remembered how trapped I felt in that moment. I literally feel sick looking at it.
A few days later, I saw an ad for this podcast on TikTok, and I knew it was divine timing. It took me over four days to sit down and actually write this out because they don't always have to put a finger on you for it to be abuse. Which is true.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: That is a hundred percent true.
[00:05:11] Speaker A: Yep. It's been 10 years since we broke up, and even now, parts of the relationship still echo through my life. I'm not angry anymore. I've done the work, cried, experienced anger, and most importantly, went through years of grueling therapy. I wish I could say I've forgiven him. I've definitely moved on with my life. But there's always something in the back of my head that lives there. And it's gotten quieter over the years, but it's never gone. Yeah, I'll never forgive Dick, so it's okay.
[00:05:33] Speaker B: I'll never forgive number one. So I get it 100% every day of my life. I tell my therapist, I'm like, I don't have hate in my heart for anybody except for him. He can rot.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: Same.
[00:05:46] Speaker B: I will dance on his grave.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely, I'll help you.
I was 20 when we met. I was working at Starbucks in school to be a vet tech and generally just full of life as one is at 20 before life beats us down.
He was charming. Thank Ryan Reynolds in his prime. You know, back when everyone thought being cond. Being a condescending asshole was funny. Yeah, thank God we've moved past that.
Once I got to know him, he hit me with the classics. The all my exes cheated on me story.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: If only we knew than what we know now.
[00:06:24] Speaker A: Yeah, that line right there is like
[00:06:28] Speaker B: a flashing red flag at me now. Like, back then I would have been, oh, that's so sad.
[00:06:33] Speaker A: I can't believe they did that to you.
[00:06:35] Speaker B: I would never like, oh, you know what?
I gotta go home. You know, my cat needs me.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: So you cheated. Okay, got it, Got it.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: Gotta go.
[00:06:44] Speaker A: Got it.
So she said that story paired with the my dad ruined my credit tall tale. And I believed him. It was my first relationship. All his friends vouched for him too, and said he was just a nice guy who deserved a chance. That's what the kids would now call a canon event.
About a year later, we moved into one of my dad's rentals because remember, his credit was.
That's usually around the time when they think you're trapped and they start pulling shenanigans, which we've just talked about. Like it's literally been. It is.
[00:07:17] Speaker B: As soon as they move in, they start wanting to act funny.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: That's when I had my first major gut check moment. Everything was fine before this. He went to bed and something told me to check his phone. I can't explain it even to this day. It was just a feeling in my stomach that I couldn't ignore. I checked it, and there were. There. It was sex with some chick in Nova Scotia. When I confronted him, I didn't get an apology. I got a dramatic speech because I was told.
Because I told him to stop talking to her, and somehow I still ended up apologizing to him.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: So he gaslit her.
[00:07:52] Speaker A: Yeah, he gaslit her. Yeah, he gaslit her. So. And that happens a lot. So listen. Oh, 100%. Listen to your gut. And if it says, look at his phone, I'm sorry, but, like, with the way technology is and everything else, like, if you're a man or woman has an issue with you looking at their phone, then it's a them problem. Like, my phone is an open book. You can look through my phone.
[00:08:12] Speaker B: I literally give my phone to Lauren constantly.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: Yeah, same. Like, here's my code. I don't care. Like, why. Why are we hiding phones? It's so weird. Like, if you're doing something so shady that you can't let your partner on your phone or a friend on your phone, then suspicious, and you probably.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: I.
[00:08:29] Speaker A: Like, I don't. I don't think I want to be your friend. Like, it's weird.
I stayed with him because I wanted to prove to everyone that he was a good guy and I wasn't wasting my time. My parents didn't like him, my friends didn't like him, and I just didn't. Why? I was too young, too naive to admit that maybe they were right and I had made a mistake. That was the start of our dynamic. He'd lie, I'd call him out, and I'd end up being the bad guy for reacting to it all. Isn't that the story of being a woman?
[00:08:54] Speaker B: Sounds really familiar.
[00:08:56] Speaker A: It does.
[00:08:57] Speaker B: Are you reading my story over again?
[00:08:59] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And that's what's sad, is it's like, so many of us have gone through this story. Like, it's. We. We let them gaslight us, and we even gaslight ourselves.
[00:09:08] Speaker B: We do. Oh, yeah. Am I the crazy one?
[00:09:11] Speaker A: Yeah, I must be crazy. Like, he's not. He says he's not, so he's not.
[00:09:14] Speaker B: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe I'm crazy.
[00:09:16] Speaker A: It's wild. I am crazy.
[00:09:19] Speaker B: But that wasn't part of it.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: Yeah, not because of that, though. Yeah.
Not long after that, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I started bleeding at work and went to Planned Parenthood to confirm. I paid a couple hundred dollars to take a pill and complete the process. I was already feeling Immense amount of mixed feelings. I was relieved, but then felt guilty from that relief, which I think is something a lot of people go through.
Especially, like she was actively having a miscarriage. But like, even like with abortion, like a lot of people, there's a lot
[00:09:48] Speaker B: of blame in that. Like you. You blame yourself. And then like with her feeling relief, she was probably upset that she felt relief about it.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:56] Speaker B: But at the same time, like, we don't blame you, honey.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: No. And that's a completely normal.
[00:10:00] Speaker B: It's not your fault that that miscarriage happened. And even if you're any female out there, it's not your fault.
[00:10:06] Speaker A: It's not. And I don.
I don't like it when people judge people for having abortions anyway. Like, that's none of your business.
[00:10:12] Speaker B: It really isn't. Like you don't know where they're at in their life.
[00:10:15] Speaker A: Nope, none of your business.
And there's some judgy people out there.
None your business.
[00:10:20] Speaker B: Who you tell.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: So she says. So her guilt turned into shame when he told his conservative friends and they called it an abortion, which it wasn't because it was a miscarriage and she was just.
[00:10:32] Speaker B: Yeah, so.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: And this is despite the fact that one of his super conservative friends paid for two abortions for his exes.
How can, like, I'm sorry.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: Like, how can you judge her?
[00:10:45] Speaker A: Yeah. What?
[00:10:47] Speaker B: She had a miscarriage.
[00:10:48] Speaker A: Okay. To cope with the shame and depression, he talked me into going on antidepressants and oral birth control. At the time, I thought it was the best option because I thought I was going crazy. He told me he couldn't handle my mood swings, and as a result, I gained weight and. And my spark dimmed. Over time, I was numb. It felt like I was living in a smoke filled room and I couldn't find the fire.
I knew it was there and everyone was telling me there was no smoke despite coughing themselves.
And I want to pause right here and say something. If you are in a relationship where you think you need to get on medication to survive it, please get out before you put that shit in your body. Sometimes antidepressants aren't for you there to keep you quiet, easier to be around and to dull the part of you that wants to scream. So, yeah, let's talk about that because that's 100% accurate.
I had never been on any medication at all in my life like that. And at the end of mine and Dick's relationship, I was talking to my therapist and I was like, I'm going insane. Like, I. My emotions are everywhere. I'm up and down and up and down. I was like, I think I need to go on something. So like, I literally was going on something because of a relationship. And I think obviously now we know like everything that he did and my body was reacting to that and I, I myself still went on the medication. I needed it. I was in a very, very dark place. So if you're in a very dark place, you're having like suicidal ideology, suicidal thoughts or anything like that, that can help.
But you need to work with your, like a therapist, you need to work with medical professionals. Um, don't just go figure it out on your own. Like you need your people to help you figure out what's best for you, what will work with you.
But yes, it. Don't just do it just because some guy's telling you to do it. Because I do have friends who have gone on it and like immediately felt numb. They had no emotion whatsoever and they hated it. They felt like they weren't themselves. They felt like zombies walking through life. I thankfully don't feel like that, but a lot of people have, so I
[00:12:53] Speaker B: feel normal with them.
[00:12:55] Speaker A: Right. And I. And some people do and some people don't. So I think it's definitely something like, do not. You should never have to go on a medication to stay in a relationship.
[00:13:03] Speaker B: Right. Absolutely not.
And if somebody's bringing you to that, like, it's probably time to go.
[00:13:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
Over time, I was isolated, so. Well, I wasn't allowed to have any friends. The friends I had were chased off. Anytime I try to make new friends, who would find something wrong with them or bring up his ex, Melissa, apparently, his friends, her. Apparently her friends helped her cheat on him.
On camping trips at bars, girls nights, etc, everything was a cheating location according to him. So everything she did or wanted to do was just some Big Ocean's 11 level scheme to cheat on him. So eventually her world became just him, his friends, and then her co workers
[00:13:47] Speaker B: and you know, that's how abusive partners are. They'll isolate you from everyone. I've definitely been in that myself.
And it's. It's tough.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: Yeah, it is. And it's hard to get out whenever you can't make new friends. Whenever they're like actively stopping the friendships.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: Oh yeah. Like causing problems with every friend you make or every friend you bring around them. Yeah.
[00:14:09] Speaker A: Because then they don't want to come around.
[00:14:11] Speaker B: Oh yeah. No, they don't.
Unless you're my best friend. Because she. She'd just be like, f you.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Well, like the people that have been in your life forever will still come around, but, like, trying to make a new group.
[00:14:23] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Hang it up. Yeah, hang it up.
My best friend's just faithful.
I love that she was literally like you.
[00:14:31] Speaker A: She should be as she should be.
One huge noteworthy event was the coach purse incident.
It was her 24th birthday.
I had asked for a simple canvas coach purse, just like the other techs at the vet office had. They had gotten theirs at the mall. He promised me for six months that he get it from that location, since it was fairly new at the time and it wasn't just a one and and done. Like, he. Like, he wouldn't just say that it was a one wasn't a one and done. He would legitimately, like, regularly hyper up throughout months.
[00:15:11] Speaker B: Okay, so, like, he's talking about it frequently that that's what he's gonna get her.
[00:15:15] Speaker A: Yep. The day finally came. I took off work. I knew something was off. He drove to the mall in silence. Then, right outside the coach store, he told me he didn't have enough money. I was disappointed, but I still said, it's okay. We can just go home. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it. He insisted we go in anyway. I told him what was the point? And then he started raising his voice and pressuring me to go in.
He said, you're leaving with a purse today. It got to the point where he's shouting at me in. In front of the store and everyone. He wouldn't leave until I went in and picked something. I went in and grabbed the smallest one I could find just to make him stop. He begrudgingly played for a small wallet with straps and then rushed me out. On the way home, he made a point to call his best friend and his mom, both of whom shared our birthday month, to tell them he couldn't do anything for their birthdays because I made him buy me a purse.
Wow. Wow.
He talked about me over the phone, about how he was such a good guy and how I was taking advantage of him. It was never about the bag. It was about making me feel guilty for wanting anything. After that, I never asked him for anything again. And honestly, that was probably the point.
[00:16:24] Speaker B: And what is it about, like, an abusive spouse that they always have to ruin any holiday? Anything that's special for you, they will ruin it every single time.
[00:16:32] Speaker A: Yeah, they do not want you to be happy.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: Just like my ex, girl. After I broke up with him, going to pick up the wedding dress and I had to return it on my birthday.
[00:16:40] Speaker A: Yeah, which is insane.
That's insane.
That really sucks.
So then came the car. His pride and joy was this busted ass Subaru that broke down every two weeks like clockwork.
[00:16:54] Speaker B: Not a Subaru.
[00:16:57] Speaker A: Our entire lives revolved around whether or not the car was running. One day, he and his equally clueless friends decided they were going to do a transmission swap in our garage. They messed it up badly. Shocking.
The car sat for six months, and I had to drive him to and from work every single day. No gas money, no thank you. And I wasn't allowed to be upset about it. If I even mentioned it, I was, quote unquote, starting a fight.
And the irony. He always had something to say about my spending habits. Told me I needed to budget better. But I had no problem going out with his friends or throwing money at car parts for the Subaru. Like we weren't scraping by. Meanwhile, he was spinning the narrative to his friends about how I broke. How I was the broke and unstable one. I was working constantly, paying most of the bills. When it came time to pay the electric bill, he'd show me his account. It'd be empty, so I'd pay his share. And then just days later, he magically had money to treat himself again because he would say he was working so hard. His friends would ask why I was broke all the time despite having to work so much. Over time, I learned that I had a reputation, supposedly for being financially responsible. Took him six months to save up for some other shop to complete the transmission swap.
So that's another thing they love to do. They love to spin it around like they're the hero. Yeah, that and also hide money.
Like, love to hide some money and then go buy things for themselves and make you pay for everything.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: See, I didn't have that issue. But I put pressure when it comes to money and finances. Like, I'm on top of it. If you can't manage your money, I'm gonna manage it for you.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: Yeah, well, you can't manage your money now. If you can't manage your money, you ain't even coming in the door.
[00:18:40] Speaker B: We. We've talked about this. That is one thing in a relationship. You're gonna manage your money or I'm gonna manage it for you. But either way, you're gonna pay your part and I'm gonna pay mine. We're gonna split everything down the middle 100%. But you're gonna cover your side, I'm gonna cover mine.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I will never pay for a man again. So.
However, behind closed doors, his expectations of co signing things for him was something we had fought over about over and over again, and I never did it. And honestly, I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of you too.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: Me too.
[00:19:11] Speaker A: 100 proud of you. Because I'm an idiot and I didn't do that. And everyone told me not to, and yet I did it. Not only did I cosign, I put a whole thing in my name only. Like, good for you. Like, that's amazing.
Proud of you. Because women, ladies, do not co sign for a man.
Do not put anything in your name for that man.
[00:19:33] Speaker B: Straight out for not co signing in number three.
[00:19:36] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:36] Speaker B: He was so mad at me, I almost had to take an Uber home. But, like, I was not doing it.
[00:19:41] Speaker A: I still think to this day the only reason Dick took you to the truck for the truck was hoping that you would co sign for him once you probably. Once you felt bad.
[00:19:49] Speaker B: He didn't know how we're financially responsible.
[00:19:52] Speaker A: He was like. He was like, oh, I got like. He was like, I got another idiot. Let me get. And Amber said, hell no.
[00:19:59] Speaker B: One thing about me, I might not be responsible in a lot of ways, but financially I am.
[00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah, so she says. That's one of the few things she held the line on. I never put her name on anything for him, and I'm glad I didn't. But that didn't stop him from trying. By the time my brother's wedding came around, things have been tense for months, especially about money. Again, he. He had started pushing again, this time about co signing a car loan. I told him no. And just like I had before, I told him, if we're not married, I'm not putting anything in my name. And in true fashion, he twisted it and said I was pressuring him to get married. And that became the new fight. Suddenly, I was the nagging girlfriend who just wanted to get married. He called it toxic and said it came from my dad because that's who taught me to protect myself financially.
He's an idiot.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: If I'm so toxic, you can hit the door, right?
[00:20:51] Speaker A: He didn't want to go to the wedding and be around her quote, unquote toxic family. Honestly, I have overheard him telling his friends that he was actually scared of my dad and my brothers.
So he knew if he didn't show up, they would know something was off. At the reception, he refused to dance with me and made a huge deal. When I got up to catch the bouquet, he tried to play it off like a joke. Afterwards, he asked me to leave My brother's wedding, to go pick up his car like it was just some other errand. Like I wasn't in a dress, surrounded by my family, celebrating one of the biggest days in my brother's life. I remember sitting there thinking, why am I doing all this? He wouldn't call his friends to pick to pick him up. He specifically wanted it to be her.
So I got completely wasted.
Good for her. That night, I decided I was going to stop taking my antidepressants because even while I was medicated, I have never felt that low in my life. And that's really when things started to change.
Not long after that, we finally moved out of my dad's rental and into a different apartment closer to the city. His car was back up and running again. And I started a new job, One where I was working with people my own age. And slowly I started to make friends again. But I wasn't telling him. Everything shifted.
He started spending a lot of time with his friends. At first it was just a night or two, Then it became few days, then full weekends, then sometimes a week or more. He could just disappear whenever he wanted. No explanation, no check in, no accountability.
It was to the point that he was expecting me to cover all the bills when he wasn't there. No, I'm not surprised because again, like, we've seen this, oh, time and time again and the amount of men who will be like, what do you bring to the table? What do women bring to the table? And I'm like, what do you.
[00:22:27] Speaker B: Right, Literally. Because you find a girl with a career and all of a sudden you think they're going to pay out the bills.
[00:22:32] Speaker A: Yeah, no, like, this is insane.
She says. Meanwhile, I was still working two jobs. I had a full time weekday job and her second job on the weekends. But one weekend I wasn't scheduled. So it was the first week in a long time I had off. The friends I started making at my full time job invited me out for karaoke. Just a fun night out. And I figured he hadn't been home all week, so probably wasn't coming back that night. So I went. I was having a great time, laughing, feeling like me again.
And I know that going cold turkey off antidepressants probably wasn't the smartest thing that I did, but I had my sarcastic, spunky self back. Correct. Don't go curled turkey, you know, Again, work with medical professionals, but glad that you felt like you were yourself again. My friend's parents owned the karaoke bar, so they let us stay there about an Hour after closing. As long as we didn't go out on the patio because they were supposed to close at 2, we could play free pool. The night was going great until just like that, he called at 3am his demeanor was eerily calm and he asked me who I was.
It took me back because I wasn't expecting that.
I walked outside in a panic and told him exactly where I was and even invited him to come check it out himself. He wouldn't believe me and still accused me of cheating on him. I paid my tab and left in a hurry. My friends were worried because it was an immediate mood change. I went home to find he had locked me out and told me I couldn't come in unless I told the truth. I started getting loud and that's when he let me in. He hated making a scene. Oh, don't they always?
[00:23:58] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: They make the scene. They're the ones making the scene. And then they're still gonna gaslight you and be like, you're making a scene.
[00:24:06] Speaker B: Oh, God.
[00:24:07] Speaker A: The next few weeks were emotional warfare. He stayed home constantly, said he was keeping an eye on me, still didn't pay the bills on time, still tried to wear me.
But something had shifted. My spark was back. My fire was back. And he knew it. One night, I got a gut feeling again and checked his phone and to find out he'd been sleeping with a coworker for months. And there it is, ladies and gentlemen.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: I mean, because why else would he be gone for a week?
[00:24:32] Speaker A: Yeah, right.
And then he's blaming her for cheating.
So I didn't cry. I walked outside, lit a cigarette and debated on calling my dad to help me move out. He had totaled his pride and joy a few weeks before. So he had wrecked his car, so he had nothing. So he was using his deceased friend's car at the time. Remember my comment about divine intervention? I watched two guys steal it right in front of me. Karma has. Karma has perfect comedic timing.
That's pretty funny.
I would just, like, wave. Yeah, you take that.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: You go on, have fun with that.
[00:25:11] Speaker A: After his car got stolen, his mom let him borrow hers. It gave him the perfect excuse to never be home. He told me she needed it during the day and he was helping her out and that he'd be back and forth. But I knew better. I knew exactly where he was. He wasn't with his mom. He was with the coworker at that point. My intuition had been screaming for months. And despite finally been able to feel feelings after years of complete numbness, Numbness.
I just wanted it to be over.
I just needed to pull the trigger. And the day came sooner than later. He came home and told me he found a Subaru STI on Craigslist. He said it needed a little work, but it was the type of car he always wanted. The catch was he couldn't afford it on his own. The loan. The loan would only go if someone co signed either me or his mom. But even with the car payment, he said he wouldn't be able to cover his share of the bills. As if he'd been paying anything at all.
That's the thing. They're delusional.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah.
[00:26:03] Speaker A: Like Dick's dick would always be like, I paid you. You got all my money. You got all my money. I'm like, I didn't start getting all your money until we had a joint bank account and we got the motorcycle that you said that was the deal to get the motorcycle.
And I was in charge of the bill, so it wasn't. We had a joint bank account.
Like, I didn't get all your money. You also technically had all mine. Right?
And then it'd be like, I paid bills. No, you didn't, because I made way more than you. Like, no.
So she said.
She said, I'll be honest. I was salty over it. So I said, I don't think you should buy the car. When he asked why, I said, because I don't think we're going to be together anymore. He cried. I went to work, and when I came home, we had a huge talk. He moved out shortly after that, but not without running a smear campaign on his way out. Apparently, I was unstable. Crazy. I wouldn't survive without him. And then to prove his point, he came back while I was at work and. And cleared out of the apartment. Took furniture. I bought dishes. My parents gave us, anything he get his hands on. So I rebuilt IKEA furniture. Healing plays list nights where I sat in sinus silence and relearned how to breathe. I made that apartment mine. A few weeks later, he was in a new relationship with the coworker. His mom co signed for that car. He moved in with his uncle. He got a fresh start. From the outside, it looked like everything had worked out for him and me. I was questioning everything. I wondered if I was the crazy one, if I'd really been too emotional.
I even questioned the things I knew deep down were never mine to carry. His mistakes still somehow felt like they were my fault.
Time has a funny way of healing things. I've learned through the grapevine that 10 years later, they're still together and without a ring. Just the same story being played out with a new leading lady. I don't hate her anymore. I used to think she was the reason everything fell apart. But then I saw a picture of her on Facebook a couple years ago, and I saw it. It was the same look I used to have. The forced smile under swollen, tired eyes. That's not a woman who won. That's a woman still trying to survive. So I forgive you because I know exactly what it feels like to be in your place. I've seen so many women share stories like mine online and friend groups and quiet moments that don't always post. And I've realized something that both comforts and enrages me. The story isn't rare. It's the same story, but in a different setting. It's common. It's normal. And that's the part that hurts the most. Because the constant shrieking, sacrificing, and surviving should never be considered normal.
This is why so many women are stepping away from relationships altogether.
Not because we don't want love, but because we've learned that love isn't supposed to cost you yourself, right? So if you're listening to this and something inside you is stirring, you're not crazy, broken, or too much. You're waking up so when you finally decide to leave, you won't owe anyone an apology for saving yourself.
[00:28:49] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:28:50] Speaker A: So that was beautiful.
I'm glad you got away from that. And thank you for sharing. It is very sad that we are in a world today now, where women, where we are choosing to stay single because of this situation, because it is so common, it has become the new normal.
And I think the problem is women today, we don't need men for financial gain.
[00:29:16] Speaker B: We don't.
[00:29:17] Speaker A: And that's something that our grandmothers didn't have, even a lot of our mothers didn't have. So we're the first, like Gen X and older millennials are the first generation that truly do not need men to be able to pay our bills.
And I think a lot of men don't know what to do without that control.
[00:29:39] Speaker B: But also, society is not raising men to be the breadwinners anymore either. They're not raising men to actually, like, go out and get jobs, even though provide. And provide, even though, like, I mean, in society is still proven to this day that men get paid more than women do. And they still, like, they are not the breadwinners that our grandfathers were right? They're not providers.
[00:30:04] Speaker A: Right.
[00:30:04] Speaker B: They want to just skim by. They've made it all their life being bottle fed and now they just want to skim by in life and they don't know what to do without a mommy to take care of them.
[00:30:15] Speaker A: Yeah. And they want a mommy because they're like, they want whoever they're with to be the one that takes care of them now. And a lot of us are like,
[00:30:22] Speaker B: no, I'm not gonna coddle a man. I'm not doing it.
[00:30:25] Speaker A: I'm not coddling anybody. So I'm like, if I wanted a
[00:30:28] Speaker B: baby, I'd have a baby.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: Right. And I am child free by choice. I'm not having a child. So, like, why would I want to take on a grown man child?
[00:30:34] Speaker B: Right.
[00:30:36] Speaker A: But yeah, that's a crazy that. That's 100. Like, all of that, the gaslighting, the narcissism, like, all of it, it's sad how common it is, but, you know, thanks for finding us on TikTok and thanks for sending that in.
She actually sent that in a while ago, but it looks like it got buried in the past. So glad we could bring it up back out to light.
[00:31:01] Speaker B: Thank you for sharing.
[00:31:02] Speaker A: Yes, thank you. And anybody else that has anything, send us an email, a dm and let us, let us tell your stories so that we can all talk about how we're not alone in this. Yeah, we're all together.
[00:31:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:19] Speaker A: Well, we will see you next week. Bye, guys. This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and Rouse today at 25 6, or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
