Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:12] Speaker B: Welcome back to Spill the Tea.
[00:00:14] Speaker A: HSV with Lauren and Bri.
This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: This episode is also brought to you by Bridge & Bloom, LLC. Bridge & Bloom Therapy Services is changing the way Madison county thinks about mental health. Co owners Kate and Ashley bring over 20 years of combined experience and a shared belief that healing happens through safety, compassion and connection. Their practice provides evidence based care for a wide range of needs, including trauma treatment with EMDR and brain spotting, support for children navigating high conflict situations, and counseling for couples working through challenges or learning to co parent.
Each client receives care tailored to their story in a space where they can feel heard, supported and empowered. To learn more, visit bridgeandbloomllc.com or call 256-469-1877. Again, that's bridgeandbloomllc.Com or call 256-469-18 77.
[00:01:44] Speaker A: Hey, Bri.
[00:01:46] Speaker B: Hey, Lauren.
[00:01:46] Speaker A: This is a special episode of Spill the Tea. Today we are live at Blue Apple Bookstore in Madison and we have Teresa Williams with us, our favorite licensed professional counselor that comes on with us all the time. And we're here to answer some questions today.
[00:02:07] Speaker C: We are.
[00:02:07] Speaker B: Thank you for joining us, Teresa.
[00:02:09] Speaker C: Quite welcome. I'm glad to be here.
Thank you for having me. Always enjoy being with you guys. But let me do a disclaimer. This session is for psychoeducational purposes only. It is not a therapy session or a substitute for therapy. If you need therapy, I might know somebody that I could refer you to. If you are in crisis or need immediate help, please go to your local emergency room, call 911, go see your provider. So I look forward to being with you guys today.
[00:02:50] Speaker A: Yes. Thank you so much. And we'll get started with some questions. We had some people here live that have put stuff in and then we also had some from online. So Bree, you want to read us our first question?
I can.
[00:03:02] Speaker B: So the first one is how can I stop people pleasing as a response to betrayal?
[00:03:08] Speaker C: Okay. My guess is people pleasing comes after betrayal out of fear. Right. Because we really want that person, if we're trying to reconcile, to like us again. Right. We're Trying to work that out. So a lot of times in the betrayal side of it, it is trying to get that approval and we really don't need that. Now. My guess, I don't know the person that asked the question.
So people pleasing is a learned behavior. So they probably had some of those characteristics beforehand. I don't know.
So how do you stop that? Is that you understand that your identity is not in another person and your self worth doesn't come from another person, it comes from God who made us and that's where we get our identity and our self worth.
So you stop looking for other to other people for approval and because you're never going to get it. We're all flawed human beings. Right. We're all imperfect. So if we really think that we're going to please somebody.
No, not going to happen.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: Yep, that makes sense. I know that's something that a lot of people struggle with is the people pleasing part of life. And I don't know what that's like, but I know that people do struggle with it.
But if you need me to be your friend, that that will stop you from people pleasing, come talk to me. I will, I will do that.
[00:04:43] Speaker C: Well, I would also add, look at the fear behind why you're people pleasing. What are you getting out of it and what do you think that you're going to accomplish because those two things tie in together.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: That's true. Yep.
That's very true. Okay, so next question.
How do I let myself feel anger without getting stuck in it? Isn't it so funny that I'm the one asking this question?
[00:05:08] Speaker C: I think it is, considering. Let me see, what did you want to do?
Anger is normal. Okay. After being betrayed, because it's a hurt, it's a loss. Right. And when we think of the anger, it's part of that grief process.
So we don't want to suppress it. Right.
But we don't want to let it get out of control.
So could we talk a couple minutes about what healthy anger looks like and what unhealthy anger looks like?
[00:05:40] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:05:40] Speaker C: Okay, so let's start with what unhealthy anger looks like.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: Me.
[00:05:47] Speaker C: That's true. That's true.
So let me give you an example. Not that I've heard this ever before, but let's say that you want to take out a billboard on 565 with your person who betrayed you picture and call them a you know what, Anna, you know. Yeah, uh huh huh.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: Sounds like a great idea.
[00:06:10] Speaker C: No, no, let's don't do that. 1.
Or stalking your other significant person that maybe that your betrayed partner was involved with, that would not be a good thing either.
[00:06:27] Speaker A: But now she's my best friend.
She's right there.
[00:06:37] Speaker C: Yeah, but. But can't. We're. We're talking stalking, right?
[00:06:41] Speaker A: Right. Yeah.
[00:06:42] Speaker C: Okay. Let. Let's. Yeah.
[00:06:43] Speaker A: And. And caveat. Hiring a PI Is not stalking. So if you have to hire somebody to, like, find where your. If he owes you money and stuff like that, and you need a PI and you need to legally go route, then that is an option for you.
[00:06:56] Speaker C: You know, I would say yes.
Why are you hiring the PI and if. When I have patients come to me, whether it's female, male, and they're going, I think my spouse is having an affair, and they are not sure, and they maybe have sons, and they think they're going crazy, you know, I will say, if you want to know, go hire a private investigator, because you'll get the answer yes or no. And then you. You can decide what you want to do from there.
So that's a good reason to hire one.
[00:07:28] Speaker A: That's true. And then for anger, too, because it could be more than just a partner. Right. So how do you handle betrayal from, like, a family member, you know, like a sister or even a friend who you thought was, like, one of your best friends, and then you. You feel betrayed by that person because they just up and leave you and they don't talk to you anymore. How do you handle that? Or. And not. And work through that anger, too?
[00:07:49] Speaker C: Well, let's talk about that. Because for me, I had a very close friend.
I was friends with her for over 20 years, and we kind of grew apart. And I kept asking, hey, what's wrong? Have I said or done something? No, no, no, I'm busy. Whatever. And I would call her, text her, but she would not return the calls or the text. And the times we got together just kept, you know, being longer and longer. And finally one day, she just stopped returning my calls and texts. And, you know, I said, hey, have I done something? Have I said something? Please tell me. I want to make this right. Nothing.
And that has been almost three years ago, and I still have no idea why.
So was I hurt? Anger comes out of hurt. Okay? Disappointment. Things that we thought should go one way or be one way, and they're not right.
And what do you do with that? Well, you got. You got to feel it. Like we talked about before. You can't stuff it, because it's going to come out.
You feel the pain. You feel the Hurt. You process through it. And how do you do that?
Maybe it's talking to a good friend.
Right.
It could be pulling out your Bible and reading scripture and praying.
It could be seeking therapy.
It could be journaling.
Also, physical exercise is really good.
You know, get it out and it really does work. You know, go get you a whiffle bat and ball and you know, have at it hit, get it out some way. But then eventually you're going to have to let it go.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Yeah. And we've talked about it before, but like, when to let it go in time frame. It's different for everybody. So we can't. You can't force it. You can't. But you do need to work towards actually letting it go.
And since it's a pumpkin season and all your pumpkins are carved after, that's a great one to take a bat to.
[00:10:00] Speaker C: There you go.
So you're right. It. It is a process.
But I want to remind you about something. Those who are listening, it's okay to be angry. But when you stay in that anger, all you're doing is you're giving your freedom and your joy and your peace to that other person.
You're not really accomplishing anything by staying in it. I had one of my patients one time, she just. She was betrayed and kept sitting in the anger. And she would use it to get even. Not that we know anything about that. Right.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: Especially Lauren.
[00:10:39] Speaker C: Exactly. I mean, she's so innocent and everything.
[00:10:41] Speaker B: Love her anyways.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: We do.
You know, people get angry and they want to get even. And I asked this patient of mine, what would it look like if you didn't have anger anymore in your life?
And she paused and she thought, and here was her response, if I don't stay angry, he's going to think it's okay what he did.
And there it is.
So that's not true. Because the anger is really not about them. It's about us.
And that's what we need to realize again. It's okay to feel the anger and it's okay for. For it to be there, but to stay stuck in it doesn't work.
I know you're just dying to say something.
[00:11:32] Speaker A: You're breaking my heart.
[00:11:33] Speaker C: I'm sorry.
[00:11:33] Speaker A: I know. But, you know, it is. It's just. I just want to teach lessons because no one else taught lessons. And lessons need to be had, really, in my mind.
[00:11:43] Speaker C: Yeah. So here comes therapy session. So let's just ask this question. So what's the end result for you to teach lessons than to be angry?
[00:11:54] Speaker A: Get my money.
[00:11:57] Speaker C: Okay, but that's not what we're talking about.
[00:11:59] Speaker A: I want my money and pound of flesh.
Yeah, pound of flesh. Also, you know, maybe have trouble dating in this area.
I'm saving other women from the torture I went through.
[00:12:13] Speaker C: Really?
[00:12:14] Speaker A: Yeah, because dear God, he's already using all the other women trying to sleep or stay on their property and everything else.
[00:12:21] Speaker C: Did you. Wait a minute. Did you turn into God? Because if you did, I want. I have several questions I need to ask.
[00:12:30] Speaker A: Fine. You're right.
[00:12:31] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:12:32] Speaker A: All right, here, next question.
[00:12:36] Speaker B: So the next question we have is how can I rebuild myself after being betrayed?
[00:12:41] Speaker C: You know, that's a great question because, you know, when we think of betrayal, we really don't understand what happens to us during betrayal.
So since we're getting ready to go in the holiday season and this bookstore is decorated so beautifully, let's use the snow globe. Everybody knows what a snow globe is, right?
And they are so peaceful and so beautiful. Right? Until you shake them up. And when you shake them up, it's. Everything's in disarray.
That's really what happens to our brain when betrayal happens. And I won't give you a lesson on the brain. If you really want to know more detail, reach out to me. But basically your brain, everything that you have known as normal has now just got shook up. Like everything's in disarray, you cannot process.
And you're trying to find your new norm, right?
It's not going to be there for a while.
And you go from one emotion to another.
[00:13:50] Speaker B: So whenever you mention, like the feeling of, like, your brain being shaken up like a snow globe. I know there's not a timeline to everything, but for me, it's been a little over a year and my brain still feels that way.
[00:14:02] Speaker C: Exactly. So usually for. I would say if you're doing the work and there's no.
I hate to throw out numbers because everybody's situation is different, but that time frame is very normal. Sometimes 18 months, 36 months.
And again, that's very fluid. Guys, please don't quote me on that, because everybody's circumstances are different and there's a lot of moving parts to betrayal, trauma. And so how do you move on?
First of all, you're not going crazy. Give yourself lots of grace.
Get into therapy, do the work. There's a whole list. Self care. Put yourself first and take one step at a time. It might be three steps forward and one step back. That's okay.
[00:14:57] Speaker A: Join a book club and make friends. That's what I did. Yes. And now half my audience is my friends. I'm from my book.
[00:15:03] Speaker C: So let me expand on that.
So one of the things that we want to do when we're in so much pain, especially if we were blindsided, we want to recoil, right?
Because we're embarrassed. I don't know about you guys. I had a lot of shame, embarrassment. I'll tell a little bit about my story here in a little bit. But I wanted to hide and that's not the thing to do. I know that's the first instinct. But you need people, you need to have a great support group, you need friends, you need a church group. You need other people that are going to come alongside you and support you. Now let me make this carve out. Here's what you don't need. You know, Lauren, in my situation, I did, I did. Da da da, da da. And this is what you need to do. And I think you should do that.
We don't need those type friends. We need a friend who will come alongside us that will hand us the tissue box or how many ever we need and love us and listen and.
[00:16:08] Speaker A: No matter how many times you need to repeat it, you can keep.
[00:16:10] Speaker C: Exactly.
And we'll just love on us. That's the kind of support we need. Sorry, I wanted to get that in there.
[00:16:16] Speaker A: Yeah, no, that's perfect.
The next question, how do we navigate a relationship with your sister and brother in law when they made it clear you weren't important part of their lives? But they still have expectations around holidays which are coming up, right?
[00:16:32] Speaker C: Okay.
So they haven't made you a priority or respected you.
So you get to choose what you want to do regardless. It's your holiday and you don't owe anybody anything.
And sometimes that's hard to hear.
I do a seminar.
How to have a great holiday without killing your relatives in the process.
So. And I do it to teach people this, this very important fact.
You know, there's so many expectations around the holidays, especially if your parents are still alive, your grandparents. Well, you ought to. Well, you should. You know that they're not going to live that long. Well, you know how much they love you. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt.
Stop the guilt.
Last time, all of you in this room are adults, right? You're not four year olds. You get to choose what you want to do for your holiday. Now I'm not telling you be disrespectful. That's not what I'm saying.
However, I am saying you get to choose. So. So what? The sister and the brother in Law have expectations. If they haven't been part of your life, they haven't respected you, you get to decline. You get to choose what you want to do.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: And what about those families who, like, they never come visit and they expect you to always go to them for holidays? You know those people where it's always just like, absolutely, you gotta come here.
You need to come. You have to be here. And it's like, well, you never come see me. You never, like, make that trip. And they're like, yeah, but it's the holidays, so you have to come here. And it's like, well, well, no, no, I don't.
[00:18:14] Speaker C: No, no, you don't.
You know, I think that's where you have the conversation that you go, I love you, but I don't remember the last time that you were here to visit me.
So I, I would really like to come visit you, but I think it's got to be a mutual thing. And oh, by the way, you know, I've made other plans for the holidays.
[00:18:37] Speaker A: Yeah. And I mean, you can make your own family and make your own, like, your friends can be your family. You could spend the holidays with your friends instead. Like, there's nothing to say that you can't do that. Instead. I think for me, I moved away from college so, like, my parents knew I was doing Thanksgiving. Half the time I'd be like, I'm going to Europe. And my mom would be like, all right. So I learned at a young age, but I know it's really hard on people. Also. My, like, my grandparents died so young that I didn't have that. And I know that, like, Brie struggles with that guilt herself with like, you know, you just gotta. You don't know when they're gonna, how long they're gonna be here, so you need to spend time with them and all that. And. But it can really impact your own life. And I think that's the thing is a lot of people aren't, you know, taking care of themselves. And the self care part that you were talking about, it all builds to that.
[00:19:23] Speaker C: And, and here's here. The thing also is if you've got small children, you know, and you wanna be home for Christmas, then make another day other than Christmas for the relatives to see the kids, you know, because it's your family and you get to decide.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: And again, like, Lauren and I grew up very vastly different. You know, she moved away from home. Her grandparents, you know, passed away though. But mine, I grew up next door to my grandparents. They were like a second set of parents. So it's almost like I feel this responsibility. Like my nana, she's 91, she has dementia, she's in and out of the hospital constantly. And I always feel like I need to be there to support my mother, who is her main caregiver because all of our other family lives out of state. And so I'm constantly helping and doing things because one, that's my Nana, I love her more than anything. She helped raise me. But I do feel that responsibility to be there.
[00:20:18] Speaker C: You know, I understand why you feel that responsibility. I think that's a little different and good for you that you not only love your grandmother, but your mother enough to support her. I think that's kind of different than having a guilt trip.
[00:20:34] Speaker A: Yes, it is. However, to breeze detriment, she sometimes she'll cancel her own, like, personal life things or like skip things that like she's made, like pre planned things because she feels so guilty that she has to be there. And I'm like, but you were just there. You spent all, you know, the other day with them. Like, she also, to her own detriment, will like cancel her own life events for this situation.
[00:20:58] Speaker C: Well, you gotta have balance.
And. Well, I just said how much I appreciate what you do.
But if you're sacrificing and you're not taking care of you, then you're out of balance. And what's going to end up happening, Bri, is you're going to end up resenting.
If you do not have balance, you will resent the time that you spend and you're not going to be as effective.
[00:21:24] Speaker B: Yeah, and I see that in my mother now because she is her sole caretaker and you can see that resentment building up. And I agree. My balance sucks.
[00:21:31] Speaker A: Yeah, we're working on it.
[00:21:32] Speaker C: Yeah, we're getting there. Self care. Self care. Self care.
[00:21:36] Speaker B: Okay, so next question is, how can I stop comparing myself to the person that they betrayed me with?
[00:21:42] Speaker C: Oh, that's a good one.
Go ahead.
[00:21:46] Speaker A: This is a great one.
[00:21:47] Speaker C: Go ahead.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: I.
You know, it's funny because being as close to I am now with, with Amber, we, you know, as close as we are, whenever it all first happened, I was like, we look similar.
We like all the same things. Like, was I just not, you know, what is it? You know? Cause you're always looking for something. Like, what was it about this person? And the thing is, she is amazing. Like, I love her. She's amazing. So I see why he was interested in her. But also it's not. There's no.
We can't compare it. Like, there's no real comparison. He had his own issues. He did what he did because he was gonna do it anyway and has done it with 20, 20 billion other people. But, you know, as someone who did constantly compare myself, and I will say, like, I know a lot of people will be like, oh, but, you know, that person's ugly or this or that, like that. Like, they'll immediately put down the woman. And I want to tell women to stop doing that because you can't. Don't compare yourself to them and try to, like, belittle the woman that they were with that they cheated on you with. Because it's that 99% of the time that woman doesn't know. And so it's not her. Like, you don't need to belittle her now in your situation where the woman fully knew.
Yeah, we're going to. We're going to judge her, but I'm going to judge her for you.
[00:23:03] Speaker C: Can I jump in?
[00:23:03] Speaker A: Yeah, of course.
[00:23:04] Speaker C: Okay, so natural instinct that you want to put the other person down. Right. And that comes out of pain. But let me remind everybody, how many people does it take to have an affair?
[00:23:18] Speaker A: 2.
Or 1 if the second didn't know.
[00:23:22] Speaker C: Yes, but how many people does it take to have an affair? Two. Okay, so we want to judge them. And I get that that's a natural reaction.
But what are we really asking in that question?
[00:23:40] Speaker A: Why am I not good enough?
[00:23:43] Speaker C: Why did they choose that person over me?
[00:23:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:23:47] Speaker C: That's. That's really what we want to know. What is wrong with me that they chose this other person?
And the answer is, there's nothing wrong with you.
[00:23:57] Speaker A: There's.
[00:23:57] Speaker C: There's not. Because we want to look at another person.
And basically what we're doing is saying, what do you have that I don't that made my spouse or my significant other choose that person?
Right.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Is she more laid back than me? Is she. Does she love metal music more than I do?
[00:24:20] Speaker C: Right.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Like, you know, does she love motorcycles more than I do? Like, what was it about her that made him love?
[00:24:26] Speaker C: So. But what we're really asking is what's wrong with me?
[00:24:30] Speaker A: Right.
[00:24:31] Speaker C: And I want to tell everyone who's listening that there's nothing wrong with you. It's not about you. It's not about you that they chose another person.
It's about them and their choice and their issues. And their issues. Absolutely.
So, you know, how do you stop comparing is that you turn the mirror around. And let me tell you what I mean by that.
So what we're doing when we keep comparing is we're taking the mirror and we're holding it up to that other woman, and we're saying, tell me about myself.
When we need to flip it around and look in the mirror for ourselves and actually remember who we are and what great qualities we have and who God made us to be and have the confidence in, the strength in ourselves.
Because the person my spouse had an affair with was 20 years younger, and I don't know, I never compared myself to her.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: Because you're a badass.
[00:25:45] Speaker C: Well, I wouldn't go quite that far, but. Well, thank you. But it just.
I just didn't care because I know who I am.
I know who I am as a person. I know who I am in Christ.
And she honestly kind of felt sorry for her even though she knew he was married.
[00:26:06] Speaker A: Shame, shame, shame.
Yeah.
[00:26:10] Speaker C: So, yeah.
[00:26:11] Speaker A: Yeah.
I think that's a great. That's a great question, because I think everybody. It's just natural to do that, right? To compare yourself in those situations.
[00:26:17] Speaker C: It is. But. But how do you get out of it?
You stop allowing them to define who you are, and you stand in your own strength, and you look at what you bring to the table, because, let's face it, they fell in love with you way back here, right before all that happened. And you got to remember who you are, because that's how you stop comparing.
[00:26:42] Speaker A: Yep. And that's great. All right, next question.
[00:26:46] Speaker C: Sorry, I got on my soap.
[00:26:48] Speaker A: No, I love it.
How do we deal with feeling not enough in a relationship?
[00:26:54] Speaker C: Not enough in a relationship? Why do you not feel enough in a relationship?
[00:26:58] Speaker A: I mean, maybe it's like, a situation where you haven't been in very many relationships, and so you wonder if, like, you can provide enough, like, for them. Like, I know a lot of people. I have some friends who just. They haven't been very active in the dating world, and so now they're scared to be in the dating world, because if they're in it, they're worried that, like, what if I'm not.
I don't. I haven't been in enough relationships to give them what they want. Like, they focused on their careers or their, like, relationship with Christ over finding a partner, and now they're like, oh, well, now how do I find a. A partner in that situation and feel like I'm not enough, like, to, like, I'm not going to be enough for that person.
[00:27:40] Speaker C: Okay, so who's making them feel not enough? Are they not for themselves? Yeah, I was going to Say, all right. So it still goes back to understanding who you are. We're all imperfect human beings. I mean, we really are. We, we come to the table with flaws and past and we have to know what we bring to the table. The good, the bad and the ugly. We really have to know who we are. Are we going to get it right? No, we're not.
But you do your own work.
And this goes back to. We need to have a whole thing on dating about understanding your value and what values and what non negotiables that you're going to bring to the table.
So that's kind of a loaded question. And I think it's, it's, it's easy to feel nervous when you get back into the dating field.
[00:28:38] Speaker A: Especially, oh God, I'm dreading it.
[00:28:40] Speaker C: I mean, especially if you're older, you know, you, you say a lot of crazy stuff to yourself and we need to stop. And what I would really tell you is learn to love yourself and be confident in yourself.
[00:28:56] Speaker A: And I think too, like, get yourself a good friend when we were feeling that way and go up to your friend and be like, hey, I'm feeling this type of way so that get, get your cheerleader to be like, no, you're amazing, you're a badass, you're gorgeous, you're smart, you're, you know, you have a good job, you are kind, you are. All the things that you may not remember about yourself get you your cheerleader, that can remind you about who you truly are.
[00:29:22] Speaker C: Right. And something that you said just popped into my head that you don't feel like that you can bring enough to the table for them.
How many people in a relationship?
[00:29:36] Speaker A: 2.
[00:29:36] Speaker C: 2.
So when I hear that, it's red flags all over the place, guys, you know, this crazy notion that you're going to complete me is a bunch of, you know what?
Because we want to find a mate who invests in us as much we invest in them. It's a two way street.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: Agreed.
So our next question is.
She says, my now deceased sister stole my identity, resulting in me getting arrested with a drug charge.
The ultimate closure was my sister's death, but I never received a verbal apology.
How does one heal from that sort of betrayal?
[00:30:19] Speaker C: That one's a tough one. And that is forgiving them, regardless whether you got the apology or not.
You may have wanted it, but you never got it. Would I have liked to had an apology from my ex for what he did to me? Absolutely. And I think any betrayed woman would want the same. So betrayal is Betrayal, regardless. Now there's different aspects of betrayal. Could be financial, it could be sexual. In that particular case, that is still relational.
And you know, you have to let go of the need for the apology because forgiveness isn't really about whether you got the apology or not. Forgiveness is about releasing that other person from what they did to you. And that's not an overnight thing. And can I just veer off here a second? Do you, do you mind?
Because they're asking about how they forgive, correct?
Yes. Okay, so let's talk about. And this is going to be the short version of what forgiveness is and what it's not. And forgiveness is so misunderstood because we think forgiveness is a one time choice prayer. And it's done and it's usually not.
Forgiveness is a process.
And forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget what that person's done to you. It doesn't mean that you let that person off the hook or doesn't even mean that you trust that person again. But forgiveness is a process when we release that person from the things that they, the way they have hurt us.
And it's not a one time deal. Sometimes forgiveness is a minute by minute choice and the anger will come back up again and the hurt will come back up again and we will have to deal with it. And there's a lot more that goes into forgiveness. I just kind of want to touch on that.
That's a kind of complicated question, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't know who wrote that, but if you want to talk to me later about it, feel free.
[00:32:44] Speaker A: Awesome. Thank you. This is actually one that I personally struggle with. So how do I rebuild trust in my own judgment after being betrayed?
[00:32:54] Speaker C: Ah, that is a good one because I think we all struggle with that one. Because here's what we say to ourselves. I should have. I should have known.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: Yes. Dear God, yes.
[00:33:05] Speaker C: Why did I. Stupid, right? Why did I not see that? What was wrong with me? Yeah, you know, I mean, I should have. We should all over ourselves and we throw the guilt and the shame like it's our responsibility because we didn't see it.
But I will tell you, when you're in a relationship, is that the first thing that comes to mind?
No, it's not. We're in love, right? We, we take a vow to believe that person and, and they take a vow to believe in us.
So how do we rebuild that trust in our own selves is we start looking at our own weaknesses. Now let me just clarify this.
So there's Two different things. And again, I'm not going to go in depth with this.
When you have betrayal trauma and when I work with couples that come to see me, you're going to have the betrayal trauma, but then you also the affair, but you're going to have that recovery process, but then you also have the marriage issues.
So we've established that it takes two people to get married. Right. Takes two people to get divorced.
So what was your part in the marriage difficulty? Let me explain this. I am not saying that you did anything to cause the affair. You did not. That was 110% on them.
However, there are things, because we're all human that we contributed to the marital issues and difficulties. Right. Can we agree with that?
[00:34:50] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:34:51] Speaker C: So how do we, how do we learn to trust ourselves? First of all, we look at what we contributed to the marriage difficulty, not the affair. We also look at areas where that we can start rebuilding trust in ourselves, taking small steps.
[00:35:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that's the thing is like I'm like, do I just pick cheaters?
Like I've date, like, I mean I've dated so many of them. Do I just pick cheaters? So like, is my meter broken for picking? Do I let my friends pick who I date? Like, how do I, how do I go about making sure they're good?
[00:35:24] Speaker C: Well, we need to have a whole thing on dating. And so a lot of times we will compromise our own values. We when we start dating and we start making decisions. So I'm going to go back to do your own work. If there's one thing that I will tell you before you step out in another relationship, do your own work.
[00:35:45] Speaker B: So the last question we have in our jar is how do you forgive and reconcile after repeated betrayal?
[00:35:51] Speaker C: Well, you can't reconcile unless somebody wants to reconcile.
And how do you forgive again? I think we've talked about that. If you're going to be in a relationship and I work with couples who do reconcile after betrayal, it's a long process and you do not trust automatically. It is trust and verify. Trust is earned. It is not automatic.
And so it is built one stepping stone at a time. And if that other person that betrayed you is not willing to do the work, then there's no way that you're going to be able to reconcile. And so there's got to be, you know, there's got to be boundaries in place for healthy boundaries and there's got to be accountability. There's got to be a lot of ingredients to be able to reconcile and say and forgive in the relationship.
[00:36:51] Speaker A: So that was the last of the questions that we had. Do you want to get into owning our own lives?
[00:36:58] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah, we can.
So I get asked all the time and I've written a program, so I'm going to read off a sheet that I have written that I give out to women that I work with because I get asked this question all the time, what do I do? How do I rebuild? My life's in shambles. What do I do? I'm lost.
And I remember feeling that way again. If you go back to the snow globe, and I like to call it the life quake, you know, your world just got turned upside down and you, you have no idea how you're going to put it back together because it's not going to look the same, right?
And when I talk about taking one step at a time, you know, one of the things that I want you guys that are here in our presence and also the listeners to understand your life is not over. It may feel like it. And you feel like you're never going to rebuild, you're never going to be happy again.
You will if you'll do the work.
And I want to make sure that you understand something.
Just because that your marriage failed or your relationship failed doesn't mean that you're a failure.
You're not a second class citizen. God can still use you and you have gifts and talents that he wants to use and that's holding the mirror up and letting him define who you are.
So these are some of the things that I talk about in owning your own life is take responsibility for your own healing.
You know, things get done to us and we can blame other people, right? And I give this a little silly illustration, but if I'm out here and I'm minding my own business and I'm walking up on, walking on the sidewalk and somebody who's had too much to drink runs up and hits me and breaks both my legs and arm and I end up in the hospital.
Whose responsibility is it that that happened to me? Well, that's the driver, right? But whose responsibility is it for me to get to rehab, for me to do the things I need to learn how to walk again? It's mine.
That driver cannot help me in any ways. That's not his responsibility. It's mine.
And even though we all in betrayal, the pain is great.
It is still our responsibility to do the work, to heal.
And I think we've talked about this some in other podcasts about negative thought patterns.
You want to Jump in.
[00:39:51] Speaker A: I don't know what that's about.
[00:39:52] Speaker C: Like what?
[00:39:52] Speaker A: I don't know. Negative thought patterns.
Yeah, all the time.
[00:39:56] Speaker C: All the time.
So that's natural, because at first you want to get even and you hate them and you say all kinds of things.
But I want you. How you move on is you challenge those, and that takes time and it takes practice. And it's okay to get out a journal and call them any name you want. But then tell yourself the truth and choose to challenge those negative thoughts and those not only about them, but about us. Like we talked about. I'm never going to be happy again.
Nobody's ever gonna want me.
[00:40:35] Speaker A: Nobody's ever gonna love me. No one's gonna be faithful to me. Because whatever. Like, obviously, I don't bring in faithful men, so no one's ever gonna be faithful to me. Those are negative thoughts. Like, they're always there.
Of course, now I'm just like, you know what? I think I'm just gonna make a compound with my friends, and that'll be that. Because that'll be a lot more happy. I like that for us.
[00:40:56] Speaker C: So challenging the negative thoughts about ourselves is really, really important because we can spiral.
So, okay, you made one bad choice. You made Two bad choices. 99% of all choices are reversible. It's what we do with those choices. You learn from them.
So you dissect and you learn and you grow. The other thing is set boundaries. I see this so much with women.
They will not speak up, you know.
[00:41:28] Speaker A: Because we're told to be quiet and sit in our place.
[00:41:30] Speaker C: Yes.
But that's not who God made us to be.
[00:41:34] Speaker A: Patriarchy.
[00:41:35] Speaker C: I know.
So when we don't set boundaries, then we're not really telling the truth.
And let me give you a silly example. So Lauren and I are going to Dairy Queen. And she loves chocolate sundaes.
[00:41:52] Speaker A: Sure do.
[00:41:52] Speaker C: Mm.
With just. Loaded with syrup and nuts and whipped cream and the whole nine yards. I do not.
Okay. At all.
But I really like her.
And she decides that she's gonna.
Not only does she like it, she spreads it everywhere. In fact, when we go out to Dairy Queen, she has that not only all over her, but all over me.
[00:42:15] Speaker A: I'm wild.
[00:42:16] Speaker C: She is wild. And, you know, but I sit there and I eat the ice cream that I don't like. And when she gets it all over me, I don't say anything. I just go, oh, it's okay. It's all right.
So this keeps on happening and happening, right?
And I've just Lied. I don't really care about her.
I'm being selfish. And you're going, whoa, wait a minute.
And I'm using that as a silly example because I need to say to her, you know, baby, I love you, Lauren, but I really just don't like chocolate sundaes. I'd like to have a vanilla cone with some sprinkles.
But when we have ice cream, you know you're going to have to put a bib on because I don't want it all over me.
[00:43:03] Speaker A: That's fair. But I am going to test this theory with Brie later.
[00:43:06] Speaker C: There you go.
[00:43:07] Speaker B: No, we're not.
[00:43:10] Speaker C: So.
So setting boundaries is really important. And when we don't set boundaries, we allow other people to walk over top of us and take advantages, and we're not true to ourselves.
So was I. Was I really honest with her when I ate that ice cream I didn't want? No, I wasn't.
[00:43:30] Speaker A: Do you think boundaries are harder, too, for people that are people pleasers? Like, a lot of times people that are people pleasers don't. They're. They're scared of losing friends or family members and. Or even you're scared of losing the relationship. And that's why you don't want to set boundaries, because you're scared you're going to push people away or that they'll abandon you and leave you in that situation.
[00:43:48] Speaker C: Yes. And that's where you need therapy.
But you really do, because, you know, to truly love somebody and care about them, you tell them the truth. And, you know you're going to say it in love, and you're going to say it in the right attitude in the right way.
So if I tell you I don't like chocolate sundaes and you write me off because of that, whose problem is it?
[00:44:13] Speaker A: Well, mine.
[00:44:14] Speaker C: Exactly. So it's not. It's not my problem.
[00:44:17] Speaker A: Right. It still hurts to lose somebody.
[00:44:20] Speaker C: It does.
[00:44:21] Speaker A: And that. And that's the. That's what, you know, you're. You have to do the work through. But. But it's not your fault that you had somebody who wasn't honestly good enough to be in your life if they do that.
[00:44:31] Speaker C: Oh, I was getting ready to say, are they really a friend if they can't, you know, is that somebody you really want in your life at that point?
[00:44:38] Speaker A: Nope.
[00:44:39] Speaker C: So boundaries are important. And let me just. And I'm going to say this. We think boundaries are punishment. They are not. Boundaries are about us. Boundaries are saying what I will tolerate and what I want, what I Won't.
It's not really about the other person. Okay. Do you want to read through those? I know we're getting short on time. If there's one that or two that you guys think we should cover, I.
[00:45:04] Speaker A: Would like to talk about, like, creating a vision for your future.
[00:45:08] Speaker C: Oh, I like that. Let's talk about that.
So going back, we think because we have had this trauma, our life is over and that nothing's ever going to be the same and that we're just washed up.
And I want to reiterate that God is not done with us yet.
And I'm sitting here, and I think the other two are sitting here because of what we walk through.
And my own personal statement and journey is that when I went through it many years ago, I walked through it a lot alone. And the resources were not there when I walked through it.
And I want to be able to give women the hope that it's not the end and that you will go on to have a wonderful life if you choose, you can either stay in the mud. Yeah, we got thrown in the mud. Right.
But you don't have to stay there.
You can get up, wash yourself off, and do the work.
What is it that you really wanted to do? Who is it that you really want to be? And maybe you don't know that right now, but you take one step forward.
[00:46:31] Speaker A: Well, and I think that's at church, is how the get that gave me the push for this podcast, because it was a Sunday, and our pastor was talking about creativity and how God uses you. And if there is a project, it just happened to be that. That week was when I found everything out about the 20 plus women. And I was like, you know, this is so crazy. I feel like I need to do a podcast about this. Like, or just, like, get it out there for women to, like. Like, you're not alone. Because I felt so alone. And that sermon that day was like, if you have a creative thought that you've been thinking about, now's your time. This is your time. And I was like, God, is that you like, telling me to do this? And that next weekend, I happened to go have lunch with Bri, and here we are almost a year later from whenever the concept. You know, in a couple of months, it'll be a year since the concept of spill the tea was created. And. And really, I got the push to be brave enough to say something from a church service.
[00:47:31] Speaker C: Yeah. And I don't believe that God wastes our pain.
We think that he does, but he doesn't. It's a catalyst to be able to move forward and to do things.
Want to say bigger and better than you did before and going off of that.
[00:47:48] Speaker B: What about celebrating our own progress?
[00:47:50] Speaker C: Oh, I love that one. Yes, let's talk about that one. We should. Even if it is getting up, getting dressed, making it to the gym, you know, and whatever that is, whatever step. Maybe it's calling that friend and saying, you know what? I am not doing great today. Can I come over? Or could we just have this conversation?
[00:48:14] Speaker A: Absolutely. When the anniversary hit, I had a dear friend of mine who I was like, the anniversary is coming and I don't want to be alone. And she took that day off work and we sat at her house all day in red, and it meant the world to me. And I think, sorry. Finding a friend like that is very important.
[00:48:31] Speaker C: Oh, it really is. The first Christmas after everything fell apart, he was off vacation with her in the Caribbean. And it's like, no, I can't handle this. And my friend said, hey, we're going out of town and we're gonna go eat and shop and have fun. I'll be over to your house, pick you up, nine o' clock tomorrow morning. I didn't know where we were going, had no idea. And we went to Nashville and had the best time.
And that's what I'm talking about. It doesn't have to be big things.
It's just celebrate you that that's what it's really about.
[00:49:18] Speaker B: Like, I'm guilty of self isolating. I'm very guilty of that. But also, I'm very introverted.
[00:49:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:49:24] Speaker B: And so I'm not a big people person. You know, I like being at home.
[00:49:27] Speaker A: With my dog on the couch.
Lauren.
[00:49:30] Speaker B: Lauren does have to drag me out, so.
But yeah.
[00:49:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:49:34] Speaker B: I'm one who tends to, like, self isolate. So what is some, like, good motivation for somebody like me to actually get out and go do these things?
[00:49:42] Speaker C: Okay, so when you.
[00:49:45] Speaker A: That's a great question.
[00:49:46] Speaker C: It is. So when you isolate, you will tend to stay in your head and things will be more negative, and you have very few frames of reference. Am I correct?
[00:50:04] Speaker B: Honestly, I feel kind of peaceful.
[00:50:07] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:50:08] Speaker B: I don't feel. I mean, I mean, obviously I have dark humor and negativity.
[00:50:11] Speaker C: Right, right.
[00:50:13] Speaker B: But, like, I just feel like I'm comfortable.
[00:50:16] Speaker C: Okay. Like a good point.
[00:50:17] Speaker A: Peace.
[00:50:18] Speaker B: Almost.
[00:50:18] Speaker C: Okay, so for you, because you're an introvert, that's your happy place.
[00:50:24] Speaker A: Right.
[00:50:24] Speaker C: Right. So it's. It's even doing something small, you know, maybe it's taking your cup of coffee and sitting out on your front or back porch, maybe it's waving at the neighbor.
Whatever that looks like for you, you know, that's what we're talking about.
[00:50:42] Speaker A: Well, even like, we just celebrated her birthday and she. She wasn't going to plan nothing. I was like, what are we doing? She's like, I don't know. I was just like, okay, well, where do you want to go eat? Like, let me make a reservation. Like, you know, she.
I'm the type person who, like, for my birthday, I'll be like, yeah, I think I want to go here and do this. And then I'll be like, who wants to come?
She's not like that. So I was like, we're going to go out because you deserve to be celebrated. You were born like, you deserve to be celebrated. And I don't think she would have went anywhere if we wouldn't have forced her out of the house to make her actually go get celebrated.
[00:51:16] Speaker C: Did you have a good time? It looked like you had a good time.
[00:51:18] Speaker B: Oh, I had a good time. I was humiliated most of it, but.
[00:51:21] Speaker C: I had a good time.
[00:51:24] Speaker A: We just love to bring attention just to make you like. I like you to feel uncomfortable. It's good for you.
It's good for you to grow. It's.
[00:51:33] Speaker C: You need to.
[00:51:33] Speaker A: To you feel uncomfortable and then you grow.
[00:51:37] Speaker C: Okay, so this brings me to a great point, is that we need friends who are like us and we need friends who are opposite us to stretch us.
So I mean, extrovert.
And so there we go. I need friends that are introvert, that say, slow down. Come on. You know, you don't have to be going all the time. And I'm going, Yes, I do. No, you don't.
[00:52:03] Speaker A: You can sit at home.
[00:52:04] Speaker C: You can sit at home and drink.
[00:52:06] Speaker B: Tea with your cats, Lauren.
[00:52:07] Speaker C: Exactly. So, you know, even though she brings out the best in you and vice versa, so you balance absolutely well.
[00:52:19] Speaker A: This was great.
[00:52:20] Speaker C: It was.
[00:52:21] Speaker A: Thanks so much for answering all our questions. And definitely, you know, you're available if anybody wants to reach out or see you, they can. How can they reach you?
[00:52:32] Speaker C: They can reach me@teresa hsv.com.
[00:52:40] Speaker A: Perfect.
And then all. As always, if you need somebody to talk to, Bri and I are here. And if you have questions after the fact, feel free to answer them. We will have Teresa back on as. As usual. So we will definitely talk about them then and have you back.
[00:52:56] Speaker C: Thank you so much.
[00:52:57] Speaker A: Thanks so much. See you next week, Sam.
