Episode Transcript
Welcome back to Spill the Tea HSV with Lauren and Bree. How's your week been, Bree?
[00:00:37] Bree: Oh, it's been interesting once again.
[00:00:39] Lauren: Always is, always is. Let's hear the dating story for the week.
[00:00:43] Bree: So the dating story for the week. This guy liked me on, you know, one of the popular dating apps and his bio. I thought it. I mean, it. It just about took me out. Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
[00:01:03] Lauren: Oh, goodness. And how old is this guy?
[00:01:06] Bree: 59. Oh, yeah, I'm 35.
Yeah.
[00:01:11] Lauren: Really shooting their shot there.
[00:01:12] Bree: And I'm not hating on any of the short Kings, but he's 55 like I am.
[00:01:19] Lauren: And I'm guessing you have your height set.
[00:01:22] Bree: Oh, absolutely. There's not a six in front of it. I'm sorry.
[00:01:25] Lauren: Yeah, see, and that's fair. That's something I don't really care about personally.
[00:01:29] Bree: Yeah.
[00:01:29] Lauren: I would like you to be like, my height. I'm 5 7, so I'm actually pretty tall for a chick, but 59. And is he openly admitting his schizophrenic or is he being ironic? Like, we'll probably. Well, we'll never know.
[00:01:40] Bree: We'll never know. I did not match.
[00:01:42] Lauren: We will never know.
[00:01:43] Bree: He got X.
[00:01:44] Lauren: That's fair.
[00:01:45] Bree: What about yours?
[00:01:46] Lauren: I had two people like me and respond to some pictures, and I had more than that, but these two just made me giggle because.
Good morning, princess. I would like to meet you, princess, sir.
[00:02:02] Bree: Did he promise you a Turkish rug?
[00:02:04] Lauren: That's kind of what it looks like. I'm not gonna lie. That's the vibes I'm getting off this profile. I mean, his entire profile is not in English, so.
[00:02:12] Bree: Oh, yeah, that.
[00:02:15] Lauren: Which, I mean, you know, cool. I. I'm not hating, but also, I'm not your princess.
[00:02:20] Bree: 90 day fiance.
[00:02:21] Lauren: You don't know me yet.
[00:02:22] Bree: Yeah, I sign you up.
[00:02:25] Lauren: Can you imagine? Lord help us all. I would make. I would. I mean, it might be entertaining.
[00:02:32] Bree: Oh, it'd be definitely entertaining.
[00:02:34] Lauren: You know, maybe we should go on. Love is blind. Her love is blind. Huntsville.
[00:02:37] Bree: I feel like I've done that too many times.
[00:02:41] Lauren: That's fair. That's fair. The other one right after that, also liked me, replied, you are super beautiful woman. I would like to have the privilege of meeting you.
[00:02:53] Bree: It is a privilege.
[00:02:54] Lauren: It is. His first sentence in his bio is, I'm single. I am calm person.
[00:03:01] Bree: So he is not single and he's a maniac.
[00:03:04] Lauren: Yes.
And he wants to have the Privilege of meeting me. I don't. So needless to say, neither one of these men met me. Can we talk about the amount of men that just like the good morning, beautiful. Hey, beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I'm like, can we come up with another adjective?
[00:03:17] Bree: It's constant.
[00:03:18] Lauren: Did they have a meeting?
[00:03:19] Bree: Sometimes they'll throw in a gorgeous, but that's. No. Just no.
[00:03:23] Lauren: Like, I feel like they all got together and they were like, let's make sure that we text every woman or send a message to every woman. Good morning, beautiful.
[00:03:31] Bree: Yep.
[00:03:32] Lauren: It's insane.
[00:03:33] Bree: It never changes.
[00:03:35] Lauren: It doesn't. And that's what's crazy. I mean, we saw Dick send you the same thing he did. Like, and I saw all the screenshots that I saw from Dick from all the other women were all, good morning, beautiful. And I'm like, oh, he was sending them that the same time he's sending me good morning, beautiful every day. And he. He acted like him sending me a text every morning, I should, like, worship the ground he walked on. Oh, my. Like, that is the bare minimum, sir.
[00:03:59] Bree: Yeah, that's not even the bare minimum. That's just.
[00:04:04] Lauren: Man, if you hear this, come up with other adjectives.
[00:04:07] Bree: Do better.
[00:04:07] Lauren: Something more original.
I don't know. Ask us, like, actual questions, you know? Or just like, hey, you look like you might be intelligent. I don't know. Like, why is it always going to be about our looks, man? Yeah, because then I'm like, what if I gain 10 pounds? Like, am I suddenly not gonna be beautiful to you? Because that's what this is giving off. Like, I just. I can't. Yeah, I don't have time for this, so. Well, Bree, we're back.
[00:04:31] Bree: We're back.
[00:04:32] Lauren: And this is number three.
[00:04:34] Bree: It's time to buckle up.
[00:04:35] Lauren: Here we go.
[00:04:36] Bree: Here we go.
Okay, so you all have heard the stories of my first and second marriages. So now we're on to number three, the final marriage. I call it the grand finale. So, obviously, after my second divorce, I start dating again.
And the only way to really date nowadays is dating apps, and I hate it because it's, like, it's so hard to meet somebody naturally. Like, you can't really just go to the grocery store and both of you go to reach for the milk at the same time.
[00:05:08] Lauren: Yeah, the movies don't actually.
[00:05:10] Bree: No, Hallmark is not accurate.
So we meet on a dating site, and a few days later, we go have lunch. A local Mexican restaurant. We meet up, you know, the conversations flowing smoothly. Everything's going great, and I think we had been there, you know, maybe an hour or something like that, give or take, and we leave and we keep in communication. We're texting back and forth, and he asks me if I want to come over to his house later that day because he's grilling out. It's like, it's summertime, you know, like, everybody's got the grill going, you know, the pool's going.
Perfect summer day. There's a couple friends coming over, but also his two kids were there, so I don't want to say that's a red flag, but. Well, I mean, I was coming over as a friend, right?
[00:06:00] Lauren: Yeah. But this is a first date.
[00:06:01] Bree: Yes, it was a first date. Very casual, you know, which. And I'm good for a casual date, like, not getting all seat up to go out. That's just more my style. Like, that's totally fine with me.
So we go to lunch and he invites me to come over, you know, for the cookout that night. So I go over there, everything's going great. Conversation is flowing very smoothly and, you know, flowing how it should when you're getting to know somebody sitting out by the pool. He's got the grill going, kids are playing in the pool, and a couple of his friends come over. They're super nice people, and we're just having a good time.
[00:06:39] Lauren: So.
[00:06:39] Bree: So the evening goes great. We're all obviously getting along. The kids are having fun, reading some good food. It's a perfect summer evening.
So I leave, and over the next couple weeks, we're hanging out pretty much every day. At that point, I'm going over there or, you know, going to do something. We had a couple dates that we, you know, went on. And I get it. You have your kids full time. You're not going to be able to go out every other night on a date because you have two young kids at home.
[00:07:11] Lauren: Right?
[00:07:11] Bree: Like, we're bonding super quick and everything's going great. And I guess the way that I saw it was when you are truly falling in love with someone, this is exactly how it's supposed to feel. It is everything you could ever imagine. You both get along great. And I didn't really feel like there was love bombing.
[00:07:34] Lauren: It feels like you've known them forever.
[00:07:36] Bree: It does. Like, I felt like I had known him my whole life.
And again, like I said, there was not. I've been love bombed before. It did not come off as that at all. So a couple weeks goes by and we're having, like, pretty serious talks about the future at this point. And everything just feels so right and great. I'm like, this is my person. I finally found my person. This is wonderful. So he asked me to go to the beach with him and his kids. I had thought about it for a couple days and I was like, you know what? You live once.
[00:08:12] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:08:12] Bree: Loaded up the dog, me, him and his kids, we go to the beach for a week. The day that we get down there, he wants to take family photos. So we arrive, we go inside, we get clothes changed and everything. We go down to the beach, we're taking pictures, and all of a sudden, he gets down on one knee.
[00:08:31] Lauren: Oh.
[00:08:33] Bree: And he proposes.
[00:08:34] Lauren: And how long have you been together?
[00:08:35] Bree: Two weeks.
[00:08:36] Lauren: I mean, you know, two whole weeks.
[00:08:40] Bree: Not a month, not two months. Two weeks. Yeah, it's. It was a whirlwind. It was really quick. And I remember thinking, you do people do this? And it works out.
My parents, like, they had been together for a very short amount of time. They got married at six months.
[00:08:58] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:08:59] Bree: And so I was like, you know what? They've been together this long. This is it. Like. And you hear stories when, you know, you know.
[00:09:06] Lauren: Right.
[00:09:06] Bree: And that's exactly how I felt. So we get engaged. Gorgeous ring, gorgeous sunset. Like, everything fell into place. It was perfect. Spend the week at the beach. And when we came back, like, I had my apartment, but I was over there so much. Like, at his house and with his kids, I'd pretty much just gone ahead and moved in. That's, you know, what he wanted. That's what I wanted. And I was quickly becoming attached to his kids.
[00:09:31] Lauren: Yeah. Because you always wanted kids.
[00:09:32] Bree: I did. I did. It was like after every divorce, I would go through a phase where, oh, I don't want kids. I'm never going to be a mother. But you always have that lingering hope that one day you're going to have that.
[00:09:43] Lauren: Yeah. Because that's what you wanted. That's what you've always wanted. So, you know, you have to, like, it was probably a way to protect yourself to have those thoughts, too. Like, I don't want kids. I want to protect myself. Because for someone like me, who truly is child free, we don't waver.
[00:09:58] Bree: Yeah.
[00:09:59] Lauren: Like, at all. We're like, no, I don't want my own kids. Like, I don't want kids.
[00:10:02] Bree: Right. Absolutely. And so a couple months goes by and I'm literally playing the role of stepmother to his boys. I'm there every morning. I'm helping pack lunches, I'm getting them ready for school and taking them to school. I'm picking them up from school. He's blessed. At that time, I was able to work remotely, so I had time to do these things. I had stepped into that role of.
[00:10:25] Lauren: Motherhood, and it seems like you loved it.
[00:10:27] Bree: I did. I loved every single minute of.
Gave me a purpose.
[00:10:35] Lauren: Yeah. And you loved it, and you love them very much.
[00:10:40] Bree: Let me try to get it together. So a couple months goes by. We had essentially planned a small ceremony and everything for a few months down the road. I ended up having to have an eye surgery, so that sort of set things back just a little bit. And we had, you know, school starting back up for the kids, football games coming up and things like that. So we were like, you know what? We're just going to do something very short and quick and just print the papers off and go to the courthouse.
[00:11:12] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:11:13] Bree: And that's exactly what we did. And that was fine with me.
[00:11:16] Lauren: Because he was your person.
[00:11:18] Bree: Yeah.
[00:11:18] Lauren: And you were like, I found the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. So I'm okay, you know, doing this. And. And I see how it's affecting you now. So it's obvious that you still have love for this person that you truly like. This was your person, and you loved him. You loved his kids. So this is really still very hard for you.
[00:11:40] Bree: Yeah. You know, I always feel like, and I've said this for the longest, that we're always healing from something. We're never fully healed from anything. There are always going to be instances in life where we're having to work through something and work on ourselves and things that we've gone through. And this is just one of those things.
You can't love somebody and give them your entire heart and soul and just completely retract it.
[00:12:10] Lauren: Right.
[00:12:10] Bree: You can't do that.
[00:12:11] Lauren: No.
[00:12:11] Bree: So that was in July of last year. We got married. Everything was going smoothly, and it got to a point we had a bit of an argument one night. Some things were said that never should have been said. He left and he came back and, you know, we made amends. And about, I think, a week or two later, I thought, you know, we were working some of our issues out. Well, he comes back to me a couple weeks later and tells me things have just moved too quickly and that he needs to get his head right. He wasn't in the headspace that he needed to be in, and we just moved too quickly.
[00:12:47] Lauren: But he proposed to you after two weeks.
[00:12:49] Bree: Exactly.
[00:12:50] Lauren: I mean, which is quick. He's very quick. That's Very quick. But at that point, how long had he been divorced?
[00:12:56] Bree: Earlier that year.
[00:12:57] Lauren: Okay.
[00:12:57] Bree: Yeah, earlier that year. And that was just based on what I was told was a. For him, a traumatic divorce and, you know, ending of a relationship.
So I think he did have some stuff from that that he never dealt with.
[00:13:13] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:13:14] Bree: But I also think there were lots of things that should have been and could have been handled differently because, you know, we're all adults, we're all grown.
[00:13:20] Lauren: Right.
[00:13:20] Bree: We're responsible for our actions. Yeah. And so he did take accountability because during that time, he actually brought the mother of his children back into the home. After, like, I moved out.
[00:13:34] Lauren: But you're still married.
[00:13:35] Bree: We're still married. I move out and he Breengs the mother of his kids back in to see if she wants to be a mother again. That's what I was told.
Claim nothing. There was no intimacy or anything of that nature that happened.
[00:13:50] Lauren: Yeah, they always say that.
[00:13:51] Bree: And, like, I believed it. And I have no idea to this day, after everything that has happened, it's like, what. What am I supposed to think?
[00:13:59] Lauren: Right.
[00:14:00] Bree: So that obviously tanks. Not exactly. You know, I don't know. I don't have her thoughts. I never really communicated with her. So I cannot elaborate on her part of any of this. And I won't because that's not my story to tell. So she leaves, you know, she's out of the house again. And a few days later, he calls me. It's like 10 or 11 o'clock at night. He calls me and he's talking to me and he's like, well, you know, let me call you back in just a minute. I'm like, okay. You know, I made him very aware from the get go. Like, I'm always here if you want to talk. I know you've brought her back in, but I need you to remember your worth. I drilled that in his head. Remember your worth. Just based on the story that I was told of how their relationship ended. I wanted him to know that.
[00:14:39] Lauren: I mean, the fact that you were still being that kind about it, because I'm pretty sure, yeah, I wouldn't have acted as nice about that, about my husband Breenging another woman into my home. Yeah.
[00:14:50] Bree: And I didn't really ever feel like it was truly my home. Like there were still her things there, her decorations.
[00:14:57] Lauren: Looking back, is that a red flag?
[00:14:58] Bree: It's a huge red flag.
[00:15:00] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:15:01] Bree: But at the same time, I didn't want to take any of that out because I didn't want those kids to feel like I was ripping their Home apart and getting rid of things that they were so accustomed to that were of their mother. Yeah, I didn't want to do that. So that was, that was a transition. But anyways, he calls me one night and, you know, we're talking, he's like, let me call you right back. I was like, okay. And about five, 10 minutes later, I see headlights pull in my driveway and shine through my bedroom window. And I get up, I go to the door, and he walks in and he gives me like the biggest hug. And he's apologizing for everything. He's taking full accountability for everything. And at that moment in time, I was sitting there thinking to myself, I've prayed so hard for this to happen, for him to realize what we had was real and for him to come back. And he did.
[00:15:50] Lauren: And that's what you wanted.
[00:15:51] Bree: That's exactly what I wanted. I was in that marriage full force. Like I would do anything and everything. I would move mountains for this person. Yeah, if we need to go to therapy, we'll go to therapy. We will figure this out together. At this point, I'm thinking, like, this is a God thing. This is something that you hear about that you don't think will ever happen to you. He's come back, you know, everything's going to be great. I've prayed about this and God has answered my prayers. We're communicating over the next little while. And he's like, when you're ready, if you want to move back in, come back. We're going to work on this. You know, he's telling me he's got to take responsibility for his actions. He knows what he has to do to make me feel safe and secure again. You know, emotionally, he's just very aware of all of these things.
So aware that I've never seen anybody like this, especially a man.
[00:16:40] Lauren: Yeah, Sounds like he was trying to show some like, emotional intelligence, making you feel safe and secure and okay. He's seen the wrongs that he did and he really wants what you guys had back.
[00:16:52] Bree: And part of me truly believes that he did. And so I move back and I remember him telling me that one of his triggers was that I had not moved all of my things into the closet from the get go.
[00:17:06] Lauren: So where were they?
[00:17:07] Bree: I still had like my winter clothes and stuff here at the apartment.
[00:17:10] Lauren: Okay.
[00:17:10] Bree: And then like my summer clothes and stuff were at his house.
[00:17:13] Lauren: Right.
[00:17:14] Bree: Because like the lease on the apartment didn't expire for another six months. Six to eight months. So I get literally get all of my stuff get it moved into the closet. Everything's organized, everything's there. And I go out in the garage and I'm like, hey, just so you know, I've moved everything back into the closet. Like, you don't have to worry anymore. Like, everything's in there. I know. That was one of your triggers. And later that night, something, it was off. And the next day I had to do photography on the side. So I was going to shoot a wedding. I go to shoot this wedding and we're communicating via text a little bit that day.
[00:17:48] Lauren: But when you shoot a wedding, it's busy.
[00:17:49] Bree: Yeah. Like, you rarely have any breaks.
[00:17:51] Lauren: Right.
[00:17:51] Bree: I had text him and tried to call him, like during the reception. Whenever I got my plate, I had taken like 30 minute break to eat and everybody was sitting down, doing their own thing. No answer. He stopped responding to my text messages. And immediately it gives you a lot of anxiety because it's like, crap, is this happening again? And I had remembered right before I left to go shoot the wedding, he told his youngest son, he's like, give her a hug and tell her bye.
[00:18:14] Lauren: Which at the time you were probably.
[00:18:16] Bree: Yeah, like that's just normal. And now I go back and think, was that his way of telling that child to tell me goodbye? Goodbye. So these kids, they have been through a lot. Yeah, they have been through a lot. And, you know, I've promised them, you know, I'm not going anywhere. I'm back to stay. You know, they had dealt with school bullies and hard things that kids go through in school, especially, you know, when they play sports and things like that. I'm sitting here making a commitment to these kids. I'm not going anywhere.
[00:18:44] Lauren: Because in your mind you weren't. If you had a choice in it, you weren't.
[00:18:48] Bree: Yeah. And I remember the youngest one asked me, he got really upset one day after school and I was like, what? What are you so afraid of? Like, what's going through your mind? Talk to me. And he told me that he was afraid I was gonna leave again.
[00:19:00] Lauren: That's heartbreaking. And you didn't leave the first time either. That was him. Like, you didn't leave. It wasn't like you just left these kids. It was. It was him.
[00:19:11] Bree: Yes, I moved my stuff out, but it was not because I wanted to.
[00:19:14] Lauren: Right.
[00:19:16] Bree: I made a promise to that child that I was not going anywhere, that I would always be there for him. And to this day they could call me and I would be there in a heartbeat.
[00:19:26] Lauren: Right.
[00:19:26] Bree: You know, that will never change.
[00:19:28] Lauren: Yeah. I Mean, that's one of the hardest things, and about everything, especially about being married to somebody with children. And I felt that with Dick's daughter, we got really close.
[00:19:37] Bree: Yeah.
[00:19:38] Lauren: And it kills me not being able to talk to her and just see what is going on in her life or hear her stories from school. And she's at a very pivotal age, too, and it's just hard with the kids.
[00:19:49] Bree: Like, one thing it sticks with me is the youngest would he got to where he was like, will you come tuck me in at night? You come get me cozy, you know? And that became, like, our nightly routine. Like, I'd go get him fluff his pillows and, you know, get his bed ready.
[00:20:04] Lauren: That's so sweet.
[00:20:05] Bree: I enjoyed that.
[00:20:06] Lauren: Yeah. Because, again, being a mother was what you ultimately always wanted, and you got to step straight into that role because not knowing if you're able to have your own children.
[00:20:15] Bree: Yeah.
[00:20:16] Lauren: Then you were like, okay, now I'm able to be a mother to these kids. I'm gonna love them unconditionally, like they are my own.
[00:20:23] Bree: And so that. To have that ripped away from you, it's about as bad as going through a miscarriage, if not worse.
[00:20:31] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:20:32] Bree: Because you actually get to know these kids. Yeah. So I would say it's almost worse.
[00:20:36] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:20:37] Bree: Than a miscarriage. And so go shoot the wedding. No response.
Leave the wedding. And I come home, and all the lights are turned off.
All the lights inside the house and all the lights outside the house. And his truck is gone.
[00:20:53] Lauren: And that's rare.
[00:20:54] Bree: And that was like. There was a.
[00:20:57] Lauren: Just.
[00:20:57] Bree: The pit in my stomach was unreal. And I was like, okay, it's happening again. Like, he's. He's avoiding this. He is running away from problems that need to be dealt with.
So I go inside. My dog is in her crate. No lights are left on. Nothing. Like, she's just sitting there in the middle of the floor in her crate.
[00:21:17] Lauren: Bless her.
[00:21:18] Bree: And, like, she. You know, I love my dog. My dog's like my child. She had become, you know, attached to them. Very much so as well. And so, like, that, you know, breaks my heart for her, too. But I gone in. I tried calling him, and I called multiple times. Like, I was that wife. I called a lot because I want to make sure everybody was okay.
[00:21:39] Lauren: Right.
[00:21:40] Bree: And he blocks my number. And what did he expect you to do?
[00:21:43] Lauren: You come home and all. Everybody's missing.
[00:21:45] Bree: Yeah.
[00:21:46] Lauren: Like a normal response.
[00:21:47] Bree: How does panic not set in? How does anger not set?
[00:21:50] Lauren: Especially when it wasn't it just the day before? That he had you move your stuff in.
[00:21:54] Bree: So I had. I had finished moving, like all of my stuff from my closet in.
[00:21:57] Lauren: Yeah. So you'd, like, just finally finished the last.
[00:22:00] Bree: Yeah.
[00:22:00] Lauren: Step of everything, and then all of a sudden he.
[00:22:02] Bree: Yeah.
[00:22:03] Lauren: Leaves and blocks you.
[00:22:04] Bree: Yeah. So, like, I pack some of my things up, come back to my apartment at that night, and I just tell him, like, I'm not putting these kids through seeing this again. Like, I'm not here to add to their trauma. I'm here to try to make it a little bit easier and better for them. And I eventually get a text from him just telling me, you know, that his, I guess, head's not in the right space and that he needs to work on himself and he's gonna do it pretty much alone this time. You know, I asked, you know, are you with her? Like, are you with your ex wife? It's like, no, I'm not with her.
And so later on. Which. Sure, we'll get into this story later, he was at a friend's house who has kids that are friends with his kids. Typically when these things would happen, alcohol would always be involved.
[00:22:50] Lauren: Okay.
[00:22:52] Bree: And so that was. That was becoming a cycle and an issue. And it's funny because until you go through things like this, you don't really know anything about attachment styles.
[00:23:05] Lauren: Yeah. And until you have somebody teach you. Yeah. And you look it up and you. And you study it and learn.
[00:23:11] Bree: Or until your phone starts literally listening to you. I'm sure, because videos had started popping up of people with an attachment style called dismissive avoidance. I didn't know what that was.
[00:23:22] Lauren: No.
[00:23:22] Bree: I had no idea what attachment styles were. And the more I start looking into it and seeing these videos, it's a real thing. It in hits the nail on the head.
[00:23:34] Lauren: Tell us what it is.
[00:23:35] Bree: So dismissive avoidance is. Whenever they're a child, they do not have the emotional capacity to process their feelings. They may tell a parent or someone how they're feeling, and the parent just writes it off like, oh, suck it up, you'll be fine. You know, And I think a lot of us were kind of raised especially, like, that's how we were raised.
[00:23:57] Lauren: Walk it off.
[00:23:58] Bree: You know, dry your eyes up. Something like that.
[00:24:00] Lauren: Walk it off.
[00:24:01] Bree: Yeah. And so I cannot say that that's what happened, you know, in his childhood. His parents were great. I met them on several occasions and I truly enjoyed their company. They were awesome. And so I think a lot of his issue was the previous marriage that he had been in.
[00:24:20] Lauren: He never healed from It.
[00:24:22] Bree: Yeah, he never healed from it and didn't know how to heal from it. And so whenever you don't take those things into account and you don't get the help you need, such as, you know, therapy or things of that n, you start to just avoid things anytime. Like, you don't become vulnerable with the next person. You don't allow yourself to because you don't feel safe. You feel like they're going to reject you. And I think that's how he felt because I remember he told me specifically that he just could not be vulnerable with me. And I did not understand why.
And so by drinking and going and doing the things that he wanted to do, like, that made him feel safe. But the closer I would try to get, it's like it gives you the ick. Like, no, this is not what I want. You're getting too close to me, you know, emotionally. And they just can't handle it. And that's when you know it's better for them to pull the rug out from underneath your feet as opposed to you rejecting them.
[00:25:24] Lauren: Right. Because then what was the point in him coming back? Like. Yeah, what was the point in him coming back, you know, taking accountability for everything, saying, everything's gonna be fine, it's gonna work out, and then Breenging you back, putting him back in there in his kids lives, that he's doing this to his children. He brought you in, he brought you in quickly, which I do think that's a red flag. Parents, men and women, you need to protect your children.
[00:25:50] Bree: You do.
[00:25:50] Lauren: And you can't be inviting your kids over or inviting your, you know, the person you're dating over to see your kids that quickly. Because kids do get attached.
[00:25:59] Bree: Yeah.
[00:25:59] Lauren: And then they're confused because then it's a revolving door. And it gets confusing. And they never know who's actually gonna stay. And then, God, for these kids, you know, especially the youngest one, saying to you, I'm scared you're gonna leave. And then you just promise to this child that you're not. Because you weren't.
[00:26:16] Bree: Exactly. And then you get to a point where you have no other option.
[00:26:20] Lauren: Yeah. What are you supposed to.
[00:26:21] Bree: Basically, your name isn't on this mortgage, your name isn't on this house, and.
[00:26:24] Lauren: You'Re a step parent.
[00:26:25] Bree: Exactly.
[00:26:25] Lauren: And you have no rights.
[00:26:26] Bree: Yep. You're not biological.
[00:26:28] Lauren: Nope. So you have no rights to those kids. So when he left and he was gone, you came back from the wedding, everything's dark. He blocks you. So then what happens?
[00:26:38] Bree: So I get a text, a Little bit later on that he never had time to get his head right. And you move too fast. And that he loves me as a person.
And deep down, I truly do believe that he loved me. But he doesn't know how to show his emotions. He doesn't know how to process them. It all comes out in the form of he's too afraid to. But then again, part of me is, if you love somebody, you don't do that to them.
[00:27:06] Lauren: Correct. And that's my thing. At the end of the day, you don't hurt someone that badly when you love them. You. You thought your prayers were answered.
[00:27:15] Bree: Yeah.
[00:27:15] Lauren: You don't do that and give somebody this hope and. And you Breeng them back into the fold because, you know, he'd already hurt you once. And it's the whole hurt me once, shame on me, hurt me like her hurt. Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me situation. And, you know, I dealt with that too. I took him. I took him back, and then he hurt me again. And it's like, why did I even take you back the first time? And it's because they come at you with these emotions and how much they love you and tell you all this stuff, and then they turn around and, like, you said it perfectly, pull the rug out from under your feet.
[00:27:48] Bree: And women, we're. We're emotional creatures.
[00:27:50] Lauren: Right.
[00:27:51] Bree: Like, that's just normal. And I think what really got me was that he wanted to have another child.
And that was something that we tried for, and we did.
[00:28:05] Lauren: So you got pregnant again?
[00:28:06] Bree: I got pregnant again and I miscarried.
[00:28:08] Lauren: Okay.
[00:28:09] Bree: But it was something that, you know, when we spoke of it, he was so excited. He was so happy, and it. It. None of it made any sense. And to this day, it still doesn't make any sense.
[00:28:21] Lauren: So did you just pack up your stuff and leave again, or did he tell you to pack up your stuff and leave?
[00:28:25] Bree: Like, he didn't tell me to pack my stuff up and leave, but the way that he came off with it was he needs to do this alone with nobody else involved. That means by himself.
[00:28:36] Lauren: Right.
[00:28:37] Bree: Without me. And I just told him point blank, I'm not putting these boys through seeing this again.
And he took them out of the house from whenever I came back over to get the rest of my stuff.
[00:28:48] Lauren: So it sounds like he almost planned it that way, too.
[00:28:50] Bree: Yeah, he did not want to do it face to face. He avoided that. He wanted to do the easy way out because. And he even told me this, that, you know, whenever he Drinks that it's easier for him to say the things that he needs to say and do the things that he needs to do. So when he would drink, these things would happen.
[00:29:12] Lauren: It sounds like he started to possibly have some kind of drinking problem, too.
[00:29:16] Bree: Yeah. I can't elaborate much on that, but it definitely was becoming an issue. There were things I did. I smashed a massive Crown Royal bottle in his garage because I was so angry. Like, I found this huge bottle and it's gone just about. There was a little bit left in it, but not much. And you know when you're angry, like, you're finding all these things to blame it on. So it's like it's the alcohol's fault. It's alcohol's. No, it's his fault. It's his problem.
[00:29:43] Lauren: Right.
[00:29:43] Bree: It's his issues that need to be dealt with.
[00:29:45] Lauren: And I think that's something that happens a lot in these relationships. As women, we're looking for something to blame, but we never want to blame the person that it actually is to blame.
[00:29:53] Bree: Yeah.
[00:29:53] Lauren: Because we love them. So we're trying to rationalize, come up with excuses, anything. But it just being that person we fell in love with. Because then we feel stupid for falling in love with this person. Because then we look back at why did this person propose to me this quickly? Why did this person, like, if they didn't truly love me? We are adults. We're in our mid and late 30s at this point. Why are these men proposing to us and then cheating or just avoiding everything and not actually wanting to have communication that they should have or not dealing with their past? Do you feel now, looking back, that you can see that he didn't deal with his first marriage?
[00:30:31] Bree: Absolutely. He did not take the time to heal from that. I feel like he just, you know, threw himself into another relationship trying to fill a void.
Because she was a very active mother, from my understanding, I can't speak on her behalf or the things that she went through. Those boys were used to having a wonderful mother at home. So. So to go from that to pretty much nothing, then to a stepmother thrown into the mix, picking up that. In that space.
[00:30:58] Lauren: Back to their mother. Yeah, back to their stepmother. I mean, I'm sorry, but if you Breeng another woman and the mother of your children back in your home, I feel like something's going on there.
[00:31:07] Bree: I don't know where his mind was at during that other than. It's like he needed that closure. He needed to make sure that he did everything that. That he could do for those Boys to have a chance with their mother.
[00:31:20] Lauren: Right. But that you do that before you marry another woman.
[00:31:22] Bree: Yeah, exactly.
[00:31:23] Lauren: You don't do that while you're married to another woman.
[00:31:25] Bree: And he took full accountability for that. He's like, these are things that I should have worked through and done before we ever got together.
[00:31:32] Lauren: But then why come back and have you move all your stuff back in, put these poor boys through it again, and. And to do it at the cowardly way while you're out on a job. So then you're stressed out at your job, and then you come back to nobody. To nobody but your pup. And what, I'm supposed to just move my stuff out now? I just finished putting it in. That's insane.
[00:31:54] Bree: I'm not here to, you know, bash any of them, and I don't want it to come across as that. But I want people, women and men, to become more aware of emotional intelligence.
[00:32:06] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:32:07] Bree: Because we're all lacking at it and some way, shape or form. But when you don't get the help you need and you don't heal from past relationship trauma, you're going to carry it into your next relationship and.
[00:32:23] Lauren: Absolutely. I feel like at least all the women that I'm friends with, we talk about therapy and things a lot more now, especially in today's age. Like, we're more open to it. I feel like that's still a struggle for a lot of men.
[00:32:33] Bree: It is.
[00:32:34] Lauren: Especially in the South.
[00:32:36] Bree: Especially in the South. They're so prideful, and they can fix everything. They can handle everything. So asking someone for help, especially if it's a male therapist or even a female therapist, you know, they. It just doesn't sit right with them.
[00:32:51] Lauren: I mean, I feel like half the guys would cheat with their female therapists. So let's be honest.
[00:32:54] Bree: Probably right about that. You're probably.
[00:32:57] Lauren: Let's be honest, from the things that we're seeing, you know, it's a lot.
[00:33:03] Bree: We can even do a whole other episode on attachment styles, because I do think that's a very important topic that needs to be discussed.
[00:33:09] Lauren: And now that you Breeng that up, actually, my therapist is going to come on our podcast.
[00:33:14] Bree: That is amazing.
[00:33:15] Lauren: Shout out to Suzanne for when she comes on to do these episodes. She's going to talk about these things because that's what she went to school for.
[00:33:21] Bree: Perfect.
[00:33:21] Lauren: So she can talk about it, talk through it with us, and give our listeners some things to look out for. Things that you and I didn't know until recently. Until recently. And things to look out for and I mean, again, not bashing anybody.
[00:33:36] Bree: Breenging awareness.
[00:33:38] Lauren: Breenging awareness. And also holding some accountability to these men. Because this is not okay.
[00:33:42] Bree: No.
[00:33:42] Lauren: And men keep doing things, and I feel like almost getting away with them. And they get mad that we have these sites. Like, you know, are we dating the same guy? But what's sad is that we have to have it.
[00:33:52] Bree: Exactly.
[00:33:53] Lauren: Women have to have these apps because these men keep cheating.
[00:33:56] Bree: Yep.
[00:33:57] Lauren: There's a ton of married men on there.
[00:33:59] Bree: A ton.
[00:34:00] Lauren: Like, the amount is insane. And just. I mean, my husband was on it. My husband was one of them.
[00:34:06] Bree: Right.
[00:34:06] Lauren: So these people are just on these apps. So we have to protect ourselves. And men do better. Like, do better. Get some morals, get some standards. Like, what happened to when you said vows? You actually met your vows? Because I think that's where I came from for my marriage was. Because that was also my second marriage. I don't even need to talk about the first one. But that was my second. Second marriage. And it was such a long time between marriages. 15 years. And I thought, I'm. I'm ready. This time. I was married. I know what that took. It didn't work. But then I stayed single. I worked on myself. I went to therapy. I learned a lot about myself. I'll be able to spot red flags. Just kidding.
Jokes on us, jokes on me. I was the same as you. I was that man's ride or die.
[00:34:49] Bree: You pour your heart and soul into them.
[00:34:51] Lauren: You do.
[00:34:52] Bree: And when you do, it's very hard to get it back.
[00:34:54] Lauren: I mean, you still love them even when you don't want to.
[00:34:56] Bree: Yeah.
[00:34:57] Lauren: And it's.
[00:34:58] Bree: You love them and hate them at the same time.
[00:35:00] Lauren: It's a weird feeling.
[00:35:01] Bree: It really.
[00:35:02] Lauren: And I'm sure there's plenty of you out there who have felt this way before, and it's rough.
[00:35:07] Bree: It is. Especially when you live in the same small town.
[00:35:09] Lauren: Oh, God. I don't think I realized how small this town was until I actually got on these apps again, because I met him so quick on those apps that I wasn't on it for, like, three weeks.
[00:35:18] Bree: 1. What's funny is that you and I are matching with the same guys.
[00:35:21] Lauren: And speaking of that, our next episode will be about that exact thing.
[00:35:26] Bree: Yep.
[00:35:27] Lauren: I feel like we're kind of putting off the same vibes, Bree.
[00:35:29] Bree: I think so.
[00:35:30] Lauren: Maybe that's why we're such good friends.
[00:35:32] Bree: We sound different and we look different, but we have about the same vibe.
[00:35:35] Lauren: That's right. That's right. She's definitely nicer than I am. Though, so.
Yes. So our next episode will be about somebody who we both talk to other than my husband. Yeah.
[00:35:49] Bree: Don't go chasing waterfalls.
[00:35:50] Lauren: Don't go chasing those waterfalls. We'll see you next episode.
