Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:12] Speaker B: Welcome back to Spill the Tea HSV.
[00:00:14] Speaker C: With Lauren and Bri.
This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000, or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
Hey, Bri.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Hey, Lauren. How's it going?
[00:00:52] Speaker C: I had a week, Bre.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Tell me about it.
[00:00:55] Speaker C: Yeah. Okay, so, you know, this week was a big week for me, right? Like, it was mine and Dick's anniversary, and I did a photo shoot, which was very empowering. I highly recommend for anybody that just needs to do a photo shoot that really, like, just empowers you. I. I wrote all his indiscretions in red paint so it looks like blood all over a wedding dress and took a bunch of bloody photos with an axe and a cleaver. And then.
[00:01:24] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:01:25] Speaker C: And then I burnt the dress wearing lingerie.
Well, it was. That feel great. Empowering. I loved it. All the photographers that were there were, like, hyping me up. It was. Even the other m. Even the other models at the event were hyping me up.
So it was a. It was a really good event. And I. Probably the most. At least for me, personally impactful photo shoot that I've done out of all the photo shoots, just because it. It truly meant something to kind of cleanse it because I never got to burn my real wedding dress because when everything happened, I just threw it in the trash. So that. That part felt great. But then the next day, I go to a concert with movie theater girl because, you know, as we know, I'm close friends with her now, so me and her go to a concert together, and Dick is there with another woman.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: I wouldn't expect anything less of him.
[00:02:18] Speaker C: No, not at all. And, you know, the thing is, Dick's been ignoring my text messages asking for money for literal months, so I wouldn't talk to him.
It was a lot. But we. We had a conversation. It was fine. Like, there's no screaming or yelling. Like, I'm not gonna attack this man. I'm gonna warn the woman he's with, you know, that he cheats on women, he has hidden children, and he gets you in a ton of debt, so watch yourself. Yeah, but, like, not. Not anything threatening, anything like that. And actually, the woman again, like, she was. She was super nice. Like, we she actually came up to me in the hallway later and. And talked to me and said, like, hey, you know, I went through this with my last ex. I would love to come on your podcast. So, like, there's a chance she's gonna come on the podcast now?
[00:03:03] Speaker B: And she left him at the concert?
[00:03:06] Speaker C: No, I think. Well, so according to her, they still weren't. They're not, like, actively dating. They've been hanging out. But, like, I don't think she knows that. Like, he was going on dates with other people because I asked him that. I said, does she know that you're actively dating these other women? And he was. I was like, does she know you were supposed to be in Nashville last weekend for a date? And he. Which I only know because the woman from Nashville reached out. Yeah, I had nothing to do with that, but she reached out. And so I told I. And I asked him that, and he said no. And I'm like, you have got to stay. Stop dating multiple women at the same time. Like, in his mind, it's just normal to tell these women that he cares about them and spend this time with them and get them attached to him. But he's doing it with like 10 different women.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: Right.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: And it's like, you have got to stop. Because he was doing it when he was married. He's sure as gonna keep doing it.
[00:03:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:55] Speaker C: But then the day after was our anniversary, and that was just a hard day. Like, it's just. And I had wrote something up with my therapist because she's big on, like, journaling and writing things down. And I wrote something up and I told her, I said, I want to text him on our anniversary. So how does this sound? Because again, I don't want to come off as threatening. I don't want to come off in any way. But, like, I need him to know. And not even that he'll give a. But I need him to know, like, you are a bad person and you cause damage. You may not care that you're a bad person, that you cause damage, but you're not going to sit here with rose colored glasses and pretend that you didn't.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: Right.
[00:04:28] Speaker C: So sent that text. And he actually responded to the text message. And then the next day was texting me. And it's this whole, like, woe is me, I'm sick, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, I don't. Yeah, I don't feel bad for you, bro.
How is it being sick not having a wife to take care of you?
[00:04:46] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:04:48] Speaker C: That's on you like you, you did this to yourself. So it was a hard week. And I think that's something to acknowledge with people. Like, you're gonna still have hard weeks. Right.
[00:04:57] Speaker B: Like, it's not always going to be unicorns and rainbows and wonderful things just because you're healing.
[00:05:03] Speaker C: Yep, yep. You're still going to have the triggers, you're still going to have the trauma. It's still going to pop its head up. Big events like birthdays and anniversaries are going to be a little harder than other days, especially the first ones that you hit. So.
But yeah, so that was my story. Do you have any crazy ones?
[00:05:24] Speaker B: So this one, it goes back several weeks ago. I don't think I've touched on it yet. There was a man, he was on one of the dating apps and he liked me.
And the message that he left for me was that the only reason I was on dating apps is because I had let myself go because I had gotten fat and ugly and nobody wanted me.
[00:05:49] Speaker C: Oh, okay, this.
[00:05:51] Speaker B: So bless his heart, he had his employer listed, like where he worked on his dating profile, which is not very smart, especially when you're talking to a woman who doesn't take crap from men. So I may or may not have reached out to said employer and sent them screenshots of exactly who is representing their company.
[00:06:11] Speaker C: Good.
[00:06:12] Speaker B: An employee.
[00:06:14] Speaker C: Absolutely.
How dare you. First of all, like, all the fat phobia, all the other things that come with that. But like, sir, I.
You don't know me. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know my medical history. You don't know anything about me. Also, sir, you're not a catch.
[00:06:30] Speaker B: God, no.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: So don't act like you're some hot thing on this app. Like you're not. You're not in your damn is with a six pack, abs looking hot as hell. Like that ain't you. So don't act like you're fucking better than everybody else on this app.
Yeah. Like, no. So the audacity. Yeah.
And then. And it's one of those things where like, as women we're like, we know it's.
But it still can't help but like affect you to some degree because we've been so ingrained that our looks are all that matters. Yeah. Which is something as a society that's disgusting. And also why, like women, as women, we should be uplifting each other and not talking about each other and about what each other looks like and just being positive and being there for each other. Like we don't, we don't need to promote unhealthy lifestyles. But just because you have some extra junk in your trunk doesn't mean you're unhealthy.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's, it's ridiculous, but I kind of found it a little humorous, especially since I was able to tell his HR department exactly the kind of person he was.
[00:07:30] Speaker C: I think that's amazing. And I think all ladies should take a lesson. If you're out there actively dating and these assholes are being dicks and then they say awful, disgusting things to you and they have their employer listed, go ahead and send some screenshots in an email.
[00:07:45] Speaker B: So best wishes to him.
[00:07:47] Speaker C: Love that. Teaching men lessons in 2025. So today we have Maria with us, and she is going to tell us a little bit about her relationship with Juan.
So. Hey. Hey, Maria.
[00:08:03] Speaker A: Hi. How are you?
[00:08:05] Speaker C: Good.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: Thank you for having me on this platform. I think it's amazing what you girls are doing.
[00:08:11] Speaker C: Absolutely. So tell us a little bit about everything.
[00:08:16] Speaker A: Well, AKA my abuser. I met him while I was in graduate school and I was renting a room at a friend's home during this time and things, I was focused on school. I was lonely, so I followed him on Facebook or on Snapchat.
Back then, I didn't really understand Snapchat that great. There was an incident that while I was doing my practicum where the day before I, I was following him and I would just see pictures of whatever he'd post.
And the day before I came, it was sometime in December, my friend's husband, out of the blue, said, flash me as I was making him coffee, as I was getting ready to go to school.
So that day later, I left, went to school, came back, did my practicum.
Felt just that every man is an abusive creep.
Just a creeper, just ill.
And I felt violated. And I felt like every man is mostly only interested in just one thing, sex. And just like sexual component of a woman is an object.
I said, okay, well, men are allowed to, you know, just go about and do what they want to do and okay, well, let me send Juan this message. So I did. I sent Juan the message of like, oh, I like you, you're attractive on Snapchat.
And he gave me his number. And then we started talking and chatting. And then next thing I knew, he was just like the flag. The red flags were there. He was just monopolizing. All of my time was like, oh, well, can you come by? I want to see you. Can we go out and I'm in school, I need to focus. Like, this was just intended to be a hookup in my brain, not something serious.
Well, on one of the dates, I can't remember if it was the first or the second, I was looking at my checking account and he goes, and he was driving something, he's focused on the road and he, I had a federal loan for my school and it was $20,000. And he goes, wow, what does it feel like to have that much money?
Said, it's not my money, it's the government's money.
I have to pay that back.
So.
And I, right then and there was like, okay, well, that's really none of your business. But that was my response then. So trying to really cut the trajectory here. But we were dating. And after the incident that happened with my friend's partner, I, I wanted to leave.
And I didn't feel comfortable living in that household anymore. We're dating. Things were going really, really fast. Really, really, really fast. It was December 27th of 2018. He showed up at the house that I was staying at.
[00:11:25] Speaker C: Like, showed up out of the blue?
[00:11:26] Speaker A: He showed up out of the blue? Didn't know.
He said, I was under the impression we were meeting somewhere in the city because he lived in the city. And then he's messaging me through Snapchat and I, I don't know where I clicked, but I clicked on the map and I could see his car, his image, like his avatar coming close to where, where we're at, where I live. And I, I went downstairs and I, I spoke to someone and he told me, he's like, oh, well, it's, There's a GPS installed and Snapchat where if you don't deactivate that, they have access to see real, live, real time access to where you're at.
So I just remember freaking out and thinking, oh my God, what have I gotten myself into? But I still went on the date because I, I how you mentioned about weight, like, that's something that's always been my insecurity, has been my weight. And I never really was in a healthy relationship or in a real relationship of any sort.
So I took what I could get and I didn't. And I just, I lied to myself. I thought he seemed, again, he was saying all the right things, doing all the right things. He seemed attentive. It was just like love bombing, grooming 101.
So that was the start of it.
[00:12:52] Speaker C: And.
[00:12:54] Speaker A: I just, I spent nights with him. And then at that time, my friend became upset that we had an agreement. We had an arrangement. We had an agreement of, you know, I pretty much worked as I was given a room in exchange for helping with housework, chores here and there.
And I was spending too much time with him, so I was not following this arrangement.
So I paid for one month where I really wasn't at home. I was. I was at my practicum. I was with him. I was at school. And after everything that happened, I didn't want to be there. I really didn't want to be there.
[00:13:30] Speaker C: Right.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: And it's. It breaks my heart to say that, because I thought it was.
I thought they were family, but I think as I'm getting older, everything just appears. Everything has been transactional. Not just. I can say that of my own family. I grew up in dysfunction. Dysfunction was familiar. Dysfunction was family.
Yeah.
[00:13:58] Speaker C: So you may be gravitated towards another dysfunction and, like, you know, to live with because you were so used to it and it was what was comfortable and the same thing for the relationship as well. It sounds like dysfunction is comfort. So that's what you. You go to.
[00:14:13] Speaker A: I did. Yeah. And I've. It's taken me over 40 years not to realize that. Yes.
[00:14:19] Speaker C: Y.
[00:14:21] Speaker A: So, right. Yeah.
I've lived there for so many years in that mode of finding comfort and dysfunction.
Fortunately, so May rolled around. He proposed, and thinking I'm like, luckiest girl in the world. I'm like, oh, wow. I'm so lucky. He's. He wants to marry me because, I mean, look at me. Wow. What does he see in me? I'm. What does he see in me? I'm so shocked that he wants to marry me. So I said yes, and I moved out of that house. I think it was about middle of May of 2019.
And we moved out to the city in ghetto land. Ghetto, ghetto, ghetto land.
So it's just a fact. It was like, you would hear gunshots out the window. You look out the window, and you would see a man just beating on his girlfriend.
What did I do? What did I do?
[00:15:22] Speaker C: I left the suburbs for this. Why?
[00:15:25] Speaker A: I left one insane situation for another one.
So I'm like, okay, well, I'm here now. And he. That's when I just started noticing. Every time I would object to something, his temper would flare up. It was the constant insults, the emotional abuse.
But even.
Even after that, I remember I became pregnant in 20.
March in 2019. I remember.
[00:16:07] Speaker C: Before the engagement or after.
[00:16:09] Speaker A: It was before the engagement, I got pregnant and I thought I could never have kids, is what they told me.
So I told him that I was pregnant. I said, you know, you can be involved. And sometime later that week, a night that I spent there with him, I looked on it, I looked in his phone and he, on Snapchat, had a picture of a girl where he wrote down, you're my future wife. You just don't know it yet.
[00:16:38] Speaker C: And then we hate Snapchat over here because that's. It's a cheating platform. Like, that is 100 what Snapchat is. It's for players and it's for cheaters. Especially at this age. Any man who is this age on that, that's what they're doing. Because there's absolutely zero reason it's for kids. Like, that's what it was created for, was for kids to send each other stupid shit. So if an adult is on this. Adult male is on this, then. No, that's. No.
[00:17:03] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I was, I was. I don't want to self deprecate myself, but I mean, I'm 12 years older than he is, so that was another big mistake of mine.
And all the more fuel that added to my, wow, what does he see in me? He finds me attractive and I'm older and I mean, you know, so.
But yes, that was dated after I had told him I was pregnant. I said, you sent this after I told you I was pregnant. And he said, that's.
That's never gonna happen again. I'm sorry, that's never gonna happen again. And silly me, I'm like, oh, okay. I miscarried that one about a week later.
So then again, I did. I wanted to try for a family, so we went to a fertility specialist, and there I found out I had a prolactinoma. It's just like a brain tumor, but it never turns out cancerous, according to the fertility doctor.
But that.
That tumor.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: I have questions, so I cannot have kids either. And I also have a brain tumor.
[00:18:12] Speaker A: Is that a prolactinoma too? Is that what.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: No, they originally diagnosed it as a schwannoma, like an overgrowth of cells. And the last scans I had, they think it's a meningioma, but which is also typically benign. And they think I've had it since I was a kid, but I've had seven miscarriages.
Like, I cannot carry a child past about nine weeks.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: Well, that's what they told me because I had two miscarriages. He placed me on something called bromocriptine, which allowed me to ovulate, and that allowed me to carry the pregnancy to Term.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: When you said that, it's like.
[00:18:49] Speaker C: Wait a minute, Wait a minute.
[00:18:50] Speaker B: I have the same problem.
[00:18:52] Speaker C: So to have both your kids, you had to be on the. Whatever.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: I had to be in that drug. Yes. To carry them to term.
[00:18:59] Speaker C: That may be something to look into in your future.
[00:19:02] Speaker A: So, yes, that was that. That was the trajectory so far. So that was. I mean, there are other small red flags, but that was the big one of like, oh, you're my wife. You just don't know it yet. And you send this to this girl.
F. I told you I'm pregnant. And then when I lost the baby, there was.
It was so shocking because I didn't get comfort from the friend who I'd known for so many decades, so many years.
And I just remember it just came in the bathroom, and she was like, okay, well, it's part of the process.
[00:19:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:42] Speaker A: And from him, when he was there, he was just kind of like my. Like, he rubbed my shoulder, like, it's okay.
[00:19:50] Speaker C: It's okay.
[00:19:54] Speaker A: There was just no compassion. There was no thoughtfulness here. It was just so sterile. It was such a sterile behavior.
What's that?
[00:20:07] Speaker B: There was no support.
[00:20:09] Speaker A: Yeah. No support at all. Not from a friend and not from him.
I. A classmate who we shared. We did our internship. The first thing she. I told her, and she was the first one to offer, like, this huge embrace and just hug me. And there were no words. She just gave me this tight hug and said, I'm sorry. And I'll never forget that. But it was.
And I had friends tell me, like, what are you doing with this person? This person? Like, you're. You're educated. Just because you, you know, you're both Hispanic, like, doesn't.
I mean, I worked with doctors who were. Told me, like, what are you thinking? Yeah, I get that you're both Hispanic, but you were raised here. You're educated.
He was raised with the. They're just such a culture clash. What are you doing?
[00:21:02] Speaker C: I mean, we can't help who were attracted to. Right? Like, for me, I'm super educated, and Dick didn't even graduate high school, and his mom took his GED test for him. Like, I. I didn't even. Like, my mom. My mom was saying the same thing to me. She was like, you need to be careful because you're culturally on a different level, so just be cautious about it. So I think that's just something, like, to be cautious on is, like, make sure that you have the same views and the same values. And the values it can be education and it can be like drive and careers and stuff like that. So that's just something to watch out for.
[00:21:37] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
I thought he had good work ethic that I thought he. He loved his mother.
He sent his mother tons of money in Mexico, which then I later found out his mother is just also an enabler and a leech.
[00:21:57] Speaker C: Spanish cultures. As someone who. I dated a Dominican for two years, and that was very common as well as he would send his family a massive amount of money, and a lot of them just took advantage of it.
[00:22:08] Speaker A: Yeah, that's. That's exactly what was the case. And, and, and I, at first, I, I admired him. Was like, why you take care of your mom? That's such a great attribute to have.
But as the relationship progressed, he just became more verbally abusive, emotionally abusive. And, and it was just. It wasn't sitting good with me anymore. And kind of I just became the, like, the butt of the joke. Not just for him, but then also my friend. They kind of just fed off each other. Even though they didn't speak the same language, they could somehow realize, okay, well, let's pick. It's, you know, she's quirky or she's just.
[00:22:53] Speaker C: Let's pick on Maria and.
[00:22:56] Speaker A: And an airhead. That's what I was often called, an airhead.
So fast forward to my second pregnancy. I. I delivered a boy in 20. During the pandemic, I got pregnant. He was the best doting dad. He was attentive. He would give me food rubs. It was like the best experience you could think of to have as a husband and a dad, with the exception of constantly being on video games, constantly being on his phone, trying to have a conversation with him, only to be met with like, oh, I'm on this video game. Or he's talking to a random stranger who's also playing a video game on the other side. Yeah, but that. The first baby was fine. The second, second after the first baby, he threw the phone at me, and the baby was four months old at the time.
And because he said, I brought up that he's constantly talking to people, that he doesn't spend time with us.
So he threw it at me, and the baby was in his little bouncy chair on the floor. And I.
And I said, well, you almost hit him. You just almost hit the baby. He said, but did I hit the baby? I said, no, but you almost hit him. That's negligent. You could have hurt him. Yeah, and just that response of like, but did I hit him? Like, I just. Oh, my God.
And then later that year, he. I found out that he, that he was abused as a child. And he said to me, I wonder what it's like to kill someone.
Like, okay, oh, right.
Like, what is this? Why, why is this coming out now? And I'm like, and I'm really getting scared. And I'm like, okay, right.
[00:24:46] Speaker C: Are you gonna kill me or are you gonna kill our child?
[00:24:48] Speaker A: Right? Are you threatening me? So again, I just, I really just had a wool over my eyes. I really did. Thinking back to it, I, I didn't. I'm like, would he, would you do that? Would he hurt us?
And it wasn't until I was pregnant with the second child that I found out that he was on a dating app talking with other girls. And because I mentioned, like, well, I just. You, you've been more combative, you're more argumentative. Anything I say to you is just like every, you just blow up at every scene. And anything that I have to say, he would slam the door. He wasn't interested in parenting.
Our child is autistic, the firstborn. And he was getting services at that time. So she's like, well, I'm leaving.
You deal with what you need to deal with. I'm like, well, I would like for you to stay and find out what he needs. He, he had no interest in that. But going back to the second birth of the, the child, second child, he pulled my hair, he pushed me, he attacked me in front of the one and a half year old. And, and I just remember screaming and saying, I want a divorce. And his response was, you're tired, you're pregnant. You don't know what you're talking about. Go to bed.
[00:26:24] Speaker C: Oh my God.
Yeah.
No. So he was verbal at first and it got physical. Like that escalated too.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I was seven months pregnant. I was seven months pregnant with the second child. And that's when he pulled my hair. I mean, he pushed me. He attacked me in front of my one and a half year old. And my one and a half year old got so scared that he just ran into my legs and started crying because he saw it.
[00:26:51] Speaker C: That's gonna traumatize a child.
[00:26:53] Speaker A: Oh, he's. He is. He was non verbal for a long time and yeah, only recently have I has he been able to talk now. And I guess what I'm sharing with this story is not just the abusiveness that I've experienced with my ex partner, but just those who have, who I thought I could fully trust. Those are those who I thought would be There to support me to have encountered also emotional abuse or bullying behavior. Because it really is bullying behavior.
I mean, I went back to my friend's home after, like, to visit Acacia, because I still had some of my things in her trailer that she stored there for me.
But I. I just remember going one day and just her response of like, he's talking weird. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm glad he's talking. Why are you saying my talk. My son is talking weird. That's just.
[00:28:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: Like, why are you labeled? Like, he's not even three yet? And that. That response was just.
I took.
Maybe I would be considered sensitive, because that's what I've been referred to as sensitive as. Well. But to call a toddler your child is talking weird was just. I just kind of realized then and there, if you don't want my kids, you don't want me, and chances are you don't want me in the first place anyway, so. So. And if you're talking to my child in that way, or you think of my child as being weird, then there's just no place here for me.
[00:28:48] Speaker C: Right.
[00:28:49] Speaker B: What I think a lot of people don't maybe pay attention to as much is relationships as well as friendships. You can be friends with someone and they can be a narcissist, or they. They can be an avoidant. You know, those same attachment styles apply to regular friendships and relationships and not just, like, the partner that you're with. And so I think that's something very important for people to really dive into and get to understand that, because you could be friends with someone for a lifetime and lose that friendship because of a certain attachment style. You know, maybe one doesn't want to work through something and the other does, and, you know, you never encounter that until something happens. But it applies to our regular relationships as well, not just partnerships.
[00:29:36] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. Abuse. Abuse can come from friendships, too.
[00:29:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
Yeah. I'm learning that now, too, unfortunately. And it's just.
It's heartbreaking.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: So how did you end up getting out of that relationship with him? Was it a situation where you just, like, he wouldn't let you leave, or were you able to leave willingly? How were you able to get out of it?
[00:29:58] Speaker A: I made an exit plan. I reached out to family members, and they drove out to the suburbs and helped me pack the basic things that I needed. And I called the sheriff and said, I'm leaving an abusive relationship. I don't feel safe anymore. The deputy goes, well, it's like you're taking a vacation so, you know, you're letting us know it's. We can't do anything about it.
So, yeah, I left. I left while he was at work one night, and I filed for a divorce and I put place an order of protection.
[00:30:33] Speaker C: Absolutely. Good for you.
[00:30:35] Speaker A: And he.
[00:30:36] Speaker C: That's a hard thing to do. So you should feel very proud of yourself for actually following through.
[00:30:41] Speaker A: Thank you. I just. He's. Right now, the divorce, it's. I am bleeding financially. I had my retirement, and because I wanted to appease him, I spent thousands of dollars on him, on whatever his whims or wants he wanted at the time.
And.
[00:31:02] Speaker C: And again, you're an educated person, and so am I. And I did the same thing with Dick. It does not matter how educated you are. Like, when you are in love with somebody and you're trying to please, please that person and you're trying to just, like, make a relationship work, sometimes you just make poor choices for yourself that end up being detrimental to yourself, and it sucks. And it's something we have to learn to, like, learn from and hopefully not make it again. And then also, like, forgive ourselves for. For doing that to ourselves.
[00:31:30] Speaker A: Right now. It's.
I mean, I saw my friend in part of me, and I would initially, I would joke with her, like, okay, I'm. I'm envious. You know, you have a husband who gives you this and that. And while I was with Juan, it was like.
It kind of felt like, well, husband A, gave me this. And I'm thinking, well, maybe if he can, you know, can you go get me this? Can you go get my nails done? Can you go pay for getting my nails done?
I don't know why it became that type of competition. I don't know.
It was presented to me in that manner, like, my husband did this for me or this. So then there was.
[00:32:14] Speaker C: Sounds like your friend uses people for money and that they may have taught their children to do the same thing.
[00:32:22] Speaker A: The probabilities are high. Yes.
And that's what it seems that way because it was always mostly geared about, you know, you rub my back or I rub your back. You rub my back.
That was a common phrase I heard.
[00:32:40] Speaker C: Very transactional. Not. Not a true friendship.
[00:32:43] Speaker B: Business transactions only.
[00:32:45] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:32:46] Speaker A: And I like, okay, well, I realized. Yeah, I realized much, much later. I mean, I.
The relationship.
We hadn't spoken in about six years, probably prior to me reconnecting with her, because, again, I grew up in dysfunction, and my brother was also an abusive domestic violence narcissist.
And I gravitated towards her Because I felt safe.
And initially she would say, you know, don't you ever move back in with your brother? And silly me, this is what I do. And then I get the same result of. Of abuse physically with my brother. I'm sorry, I'm kind of like going back. But okay, so I, I did reach out to her and so it kind of, it just, it's so blurred. Am I also being transactional? Am I being.
Cuz I had sought her out in a time of need and she supposed.
[00:34:00] Speaker C: To seek friends out in a time of need though. So I don't think that that part's transactional. Her responses sound like they're transactional though, in that you needed her, but she for her, like you needed a comfort, you needed a friend. But for her, in order for her to be your friend, she was going to get something out of you.
[00:34:17] Speaker A: Precisely, yes.
[00:34:18] Speaker C: Like cleaning your house, which is insane. If Bri moved in with me, I would never make her clean her my house. Like clean up after yourself. But you don't have to clean my damn house.
[00:34:27] Speaker A: Well, she had a lot of dogs. It was like just vacuuming mommy and doing dishes, like maybe making meals, stuff like that.
[00:34:33] Speaker C: Yeah, lots of dogs sound awful.
[00:34:37] Speaker B: Well, you're a cat person.
[00:34:39] Speaker C: Well, awesome.
So where are you now as far as the process with your soon to be. Are you officially divorced yet?
[00:35:15] Speaker A: No, it's still in the process. I. I have escrow in the house that we had fighting for settlement of death. That's going to be in October.
Parenting the parenting time. He has parenting one day a week.
[00:35:34] Speaker C: Does he even want it? Like, he sounds like he doesn't even want to be a dad.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: No, he doesn't. Because for Father's Day he had Father's Day this year. He didn't show up for Father's Day for his birthday. What happened? Which happens up on the 4th of July.
He shows up at 9 o' clock when the court order said 10am and I call him and I'm like, we're at, I'm at the. We're at the police station. Because that's where our exchanges are at. Our exchanges are at a police station because of the DV.
[00:36:01] Speaker C: That's smart.
[00:36:05] Speaker A: He said, well, I'm in. I'm two hours away already. I'm like, we got here at 10 o'. Clock. How can you be two hours away? So, I mean, I presented this to my attorney and my son just a couple of weeks ago, just came out of the blue, said, Dada hurt my pee pee.
So I messaged him. He says that you squeezed his penis, that you had his hand on his penis and then you squeezed it. Did you do this?
I didn't do that. He said, and the parenting communication app.
Well, somebody.
No child is going to say this out of the blue.
[00:36:45] Speaker B: No, they're not.
[00:36:46] Speaker C: Not at that age. No.
[00:36:48] Speaker A: No.
So we had cps.
Cps. Oh my God. They did a forensic interview on my son. They did it. They didn't even do an interview. It wasn't even five minutes. The woman was in there with him and said, we. The detective goes, we asked him report questions.
He was unable to answer these questions intelligibly and clearly we could not understand him.
You didn't give him time. He wasn't even in there for a total of five minutes. You brought him back to me within five minutes.
So the case was suspended with cps. And the CPS investigator just seemed so biased. It was just. It was a nightmare. And I have his attorney threatening me for gross misconduct because this is my third sexual abuse DCF allegation which is not.
The first was order of protection. The second was when parenting, co parenting started. He came home with bruises on his cheeks. My attorney's response was was, there are four and two year olds. They're going to hit each other. The judge is not going to take you seriously. The judge is not going to write for supervision, supervised visits because they're so young. It's going to be written off as they're just being children.
So this was.
Yes, this is why the family court is just. It's heartbreaking, but I mean it's.
[00:38:19] Speaker C: It's just as bad down here. We interviewed a woman the other day that had like her, he abused her, he cheated on her and all this stuff and then.
But like somehow he has more money and a better attorney. And they're like, he doesn't even want his kids either. He didn't want them.
And now he's gonna have custody of kids that he doesn't even want. Will neglect and abuse just as a you to the moment.
[00:38:46] Speaker A: Why was he awarded this?
[00:38:47] Speaker C: I mean, just so for him. In the state of Alabama it's illegal to have an affair. And she did not get proof of his affairs of physical affairs. She got proof of emotional affairs, but not physical affairs. Like she got proof of like text messages, but she did not have proof that he actually had a physical affair. And then she admitted while they were still legally married that she, after they had separated, she decided to go to like be in a relationship with another man. But they weren't divorced and she admitted to sleeping with that man. So then she technically had an affair. And the judge is a man.
And so he ruled in favor of the husband. And actually she, he has like full custody to like tell the kids like whatever they're going to do.
And she had her kids for the summer and she put them in a summer camp, but she didn't get permission from her ex. And so now she's technically held in contempt of court and can go to jail.
[00:39:42] Speaker A: Well, that's what I'm afraid of that he's. Because they don't want to go. I'm afraid he's.
That's what he's going to try to do because his, his attorney is already threatening to place me into appellate court for, for gross misconduct and false essay abuse, which I didn't make this up. This came out of my 4 year old's child's mouth and well, that would.
[00:40:07] Speaker C: Be almost impossible to prove anyway. So that would just be wasting everybody's time because how is he going to prove that you made it up?
[00:40:13] Speaker A: Right.
[00:40:14] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:40:16] Speaker A: I, I just, it's, it sounds.
[00:40:18] Speaker C: Like his attorney is just spinning his wheels and trying to talk some because he's got to know that deep down that case would go nowhere because it'd be your word against your four year olds.
Right? Against. Against your exes. Like that's not gonna go anywhere.
[00:40:33] Speaker A: Right? Because right now my attorney says from the looks of it, his attorney is just a bottom feeder and just wants to squeeze as much money as he can from him.
So it's to your advantage to just finalize the divorce.
You know, if things become worse throughout time, you can retain us again or you can, you know, go a different route for the sake of just finalizing and obtaining the divorce decree. Just. Let's just go with just.
[00:41:02] Speaker C: I mean that sounds like it may be better to do. Go that route. And then if he keeps doing sexual assault things, then you'll be able to press charges. Especially once your kids are like old enough to actually comprehend and say things to the police if he does continue to touch your child. Which sucks that they, that even is an option and should have to happen for him to end up getting arrested. But if that does happen, then I don't. I would hope in that state they would take rights away if you get labeled a sex offender.
[00:41:32] Speaker A: I. Right now that, that's kind of. I'm like, I need to find somebody.
[00:41:35] Speaker C: They don't put up with sex offenders down here, so move to the south.
[00:41:38] Speaker A: Not at all.
I mean I just. I feel so defeated, and I feel like, what have I done to find myself in these type of predicaments, in these type of relationships, Friendships, romantic relationships, family.
And it's. And I'm not saying woe is me. I'm just, what am I doing wrong? Am I.
[00:42:06] Speaker C: Are you in therapy?
[00:42:08] Speaker A: I'm trying to find a therapist. I think a lot of the relationships that I have found because.
Are because of that void, that friend that I had. I felt I would call her mom. I referred to her as my mom. I considered her almost like a mom. Like.
But my mom wasn't any better, actually. Probably maybe on par. I'm very. I'm pretty certain my mom was probably bipolar and definitely a narcissist. Because in. In the public eye, as my friend, and I told, like, you're the most charming, nice, friendly, outgoing individual.
And then behind doors, it's like, oh, my God, who are you? Yeah, and that was my mom, and that was my friend, and.
And there was that comfort there. So.
So after my mom died, I went to bereavement. Yeah, I be read. I had bereavement therapy. And I'm trying to connect with her again. She was my first therapist, and she was the best therapist cover. And it's. It's Christian. It's like a Christian approach where the Bible is implemented, like, scriptures are referenced. This is what's going on in our earthly shell. As.
[00:43:26] Speaker C: As a Christian, that sounds like a great therapist. So, yeah, I hope you can get back in touch with her to be able to discuss that, because I think. I think that will be hopefully beneficial to you and then be able to. I think being able to find somebody and build relationships with friends who are like, maybe whether it's in the church and getting involved in, like, small groups or something, you know, like, find. Find some people that are good Christian people to surround yourself with to help you through this time.
[00:43:54] Speaker B: Yeah, I agree.
[00:43:56] Speaker C: Yeah, I agree.
[00:43:58] Speaker A: But, yeah, I mean, that. That's pretty much the story of the nightmare of having gotten married. Not even. I think I knew the guy four months. Four months. Four or five months. And like, okay, let's get married. All because I just wanted to get.
[00:44:14] Speaker C: Out of a place you were living.
[00:44:18] Speaker A: A place that I was living.
[00:44:20] Speaker B: A lot of women can relate to your story. You know, we've all been through some crap, and all of our stories are so different, but at the end of the day, it's better breaking that cycle. But hopefully, you know, you'll be able to reconnect with your therapist. That you enjoyed talking to before, and hopefully you can find some peace and closure with that, and you're learning how to break that cycle, because, like I said, we've all.
We've all had those cycles and they suck and they're hard to get through. But we do appreciate you coming on and telling us your story. And like I said, a lot of women are going to be able to relate to this.
[00:44:53] Speaker C: Yeah, I think it's very important. So. So I think we appreciate you coming on and being so honest and being vulnerable with us, because it's a hard thing to acknowledge that, like, hey, I keep getting in these situations, and I don't know why when I'm an educated, you know, smart woman, but I keep getting in these situations. That is something I need to work on through myself, and that's something a lot of us can relate to.
[00:45:14] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you so much, Maria, for coming on. We appreciate it.
[00:45:20] Speaker C: Yes, thank you.
[00:45:22] Speaker A: Thank you so much.
[00:45:25] Speaker C: Well, thank you, Maria, and see you next week, Bri.
[00:45:29] Speaker B: See you next week.
[00:45:30] Speaker C: Bye.
[00:45:47] Speaker A: Sam.
