Episode Transcript
Welcome back to Spill the Tea HSV.
[00:00:30] Bree: With Lauren and Bree. So, Lauren, how's your weekend dating going?
It must be pretty bad.
[00:00:39] Lauren : I mean, after. After the guy that made me split a meal and then pay for it, I did not go out on any dates because I was like, no. Like, I need a break from that. So instead, I just have some stories from people who liked me. So we have a guy here who has a huge bio, and I'm like, okay. I guess it's good you actually wrote one. But the last part is, I love people, so we will be homies or quote, unquote, more. But you have to pass the homie test first.
Good luck with a winky face.
I'm like, so you just want sex?
[00:01:17] Bree: Absolutely. The homie test. You have not heard of that since high school?
[00:01:22] Lily: Mm.
[00:01:23] Bree: Like. And how old is he?
[00:01:24] Lauren : 37.
[00:01:25] Bree: Yeah. No, no. He just. He wants. He wants to get a piece.
[00:01:28] Lauren : Yes. 100%. I'm like, we are reading between the lines there, and, sir, we know what you want. We know what you want. We know. Yeah, so I had that. Then I had a funny one, and he wasn't my type, so I wasn't gonna match with him, but it was funny. He said, out of all your curves, your smile is my favorite.
[00:01:50] Bree: That's my favorite one so far.
[00:01:51] Lauren : I mean, it's witty.
[00:01:54] Bree: He put in some. A little effort.
[00:01:55] Lauren : He did. He did. He uses it on everybody, but, I mean, probably.
[00:02:00] Lily: Yep.
[00:02:00] Lauren : It's the new hey, beautiful.
[00:02:02] Bree: It's the new hey, beautiful.
Good night, beautiful. Good morning, beautiful.
[00:02:07] Lauren : Out of all your curves, your smiles can face.
Yeah, 100%. That's the new hey, beautiful. They're trying to get more creative, I guess. Got to give them that. And then my last one was, this guy liked me, and he has a hat. And again, we look at photos. We're women.
[00:02:21] Bree: Yeah.
[00:02:22] Lauren : We look at the photos. We're looking at the details. His hat said, show me that butthole.
Yep.
[00:02:31] Bree: So you didn't match with us. Okay, well, I was just wondering if there was, like, a backstory, but behind that, I mean, I think we all know what the backstory is, you know?
[00:02:43] Lauren : Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was. I'm. I know. That's not for me.
[00:02:48] Bree: Could you imagine, like, taking him somewhere, like, around your family, and he wears that hat?
[00:02:52] Lauren : Oh, no. My mom would have a heart attack.
[00:02:53] Bree: My mother would kill him.
[00:02:54] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:02:55] Bree: It would be bad.
[00:02:58] Lauren : Yeah. No, no. Just can't. I can't do it. My. My grandparents would roll over in their graves.
[00:03:02] Bree: Old man has Dementia. She'd probably ask him what it is.
[00:03:08] Lauren : Now. You know what, maybe we should test that. It'd be pretty funny, actually.
[00:03:10] Bree: We need to Breeng her on.
[00:03:11] Lauren : We should.
[00:03:12] Bree: Nana needs to.
[00:03:13] Lauren : Come on. That would be amazing. Next story. That's what we're gonna have to do.
[00:03:16] Bree: You're up, Nana.
[00:03:18] Lily: All right.
[00:03:18] Lauren : Well, what about you, Bree?
[00:03:19] Bree: So I had this guy and let me start this off with, you know, women, A lot of them use filters and things like that. Well, men are notorious for changing their photos.
So this guy likes me. And it's just his. Like, he's smiling, but his teeth are not showing. And he was like a decent looking guy. So he likes me. I match with him. We start talking a little bit back and forth. Well, then he starts updating his photos and his teeth are showing and I'm like, looks like he's been eating rocks. Like something.
Something's not right.
[00:03:53] Lauren : Those crystal rocks.
[00:03:54] Bree: Yeah, very crystallized rocks. And so he tells me, we talk for a little while. He tells me his name. And I'm thinking something about this guy's familiar. I don't know what it is. So I Google him.
Well, he's on this rant telling me how he's a business owner and all about his vehicles and things like that. Blah, blah, blah, don't care.
Google his name. He was arrested 10 years ago for drug trafficking.
[00:04:20] Lauren : Those crystal rocks.
[00:04:22] Bree: And I kind of wanted to be like, so tell me about your business.
What do you sell?
But I didn't make it that far because I blocked him.
[00:04:32] Lauren : Good choice.
[00:04:32] Bree: Yeah, absolutely. So the next one is this guy. We had actually talked back and forth since 2019 when I was single again. Well, not back and forth since then, but we talked in 2019.
[00:04:44] Lauren : Okay.
[00:04:45] Bree: And we're messaging back and forth and he texts me one night and he's like telling me that he wants to FaceTime. And he tells me that if I don't answer the FaceTime within 10 minutes, he's blocking me.
[00:04:56] Lauren : That's aggressive.
[00:04:57] Bree: And it was just so weird. And it was late at night too, which was. Made it even more weird.
So he facetimes me once and I decline it. He facetimes again and I decline it. So by the third one, I pick up and I'm like, hey, you know, what do you want? Like, I don't understand, like, why. Why do you want to FaceTime so badly, but you're going to block me if I don't answer? And I'm pretty sure he was drunk just based, like, his words were very slurred and things like that. He was kind of talking off the wall. And then he starts talking to me about his daughter and he starts calling her a.
[00:05:29] Lauren : No, damn.
[00:05:30] Bree: You know, red flag. I mean, I'm sure my daddy's thought that about me a time or two, but he's never called me that.
[00:05:35] Lauren : Facts.
[00:05:36] Lily: So.
[00:05:38] Bree: And so I asked him. I was like, well, remind me again, how old is your daughter? She's 12.
[00:05:43] Lauren : Listen, I'm sure some 12 year olds can be a. But you don't.
[00:05:45] Bree: Yeah, but you don't call them that.
[00:05:47] Lauren : Well, that. And you don't try to. You don't tell someone you're trying to talk to that.
[00:05:52] Bree: No, absolutely not. And so, like, I pretty much shut it off right then. Like, then and there. It's like, I've got to go to bed. And he got blocked immediately. Well, now he keeps popping back up on, like, the dating app.
So I'm guessing he's going through. He's deleting his profile and then recreating it or reactivating it and he pops back up.
[00:06:11] Lauren : Oh, that sounds like dick. Yeah, they're all dicks. That's facts. Facts. They just keep doing it because, like, no matter if you block them or not, then they get unblocked and then they like you again because they don't pay attention to anything and they don't remember. I mean, dick learned. That's that in the hard way.
[00:06:28] Bree: Sure did.
[00:06:30] Lauren : Yes. So we have a special guest today. We have Lily.
And we met at burn boot camp, Jones Valley. So shout out to burn Jones Valley for that.
Lily, why don't you tell us a little bit about your story?
[00:06:44] Lily: Oh, I don't even know where to begin. Well, when I was 17. Well, first of all, I'm from upstate New York, right? Okay, so when I was 17, I met this little boy who loved bombing. We dated for a year. No fights, perfectly fine. Convinced me to move to Alabama 18 hours away from my family.
[00:07:03] Lauren : Oh, man.
[00:07:04] Bree: Yeah, when you were 17.
[00:07:05] Lily: Yeah. So I graduated. I did a year of college in upstate New York, and then after that.
[00:07:12] Lauren : Year, I moved down here with no support system. But him.
[00:07:16] Lily: Yeah, just his family.
[00:07:17] Bree: Just pure hope, faith, and bravery.
[00:07:20] Lily: Yeah, and let me tell you, that backfired.
[00:07:26] Bree: Okay, so y' all met in high school. Y' all met in high school, you started dating and then you moved down here. Yes, after graduation.
[00:07:34] Lily: He was a military man.
[00:07:35] Lauren : Gotcha.
[00:07:36] Lily: Okay, so he was in New York for the military.
[00:07:39] Lauren : That makes sense. So how much older was he than you?
[00:07:42] Lily: Three years. Okay, so not too Bad. I mean, a little weird for being 17, but I always hung out with my sister and her friends, and she's five years older than me, so I was a little bit more mature due to my childhood anyways of, like, having to grow up fast. Help with my brother some.
My dad was not a good dad. He was an alcoholic. Very abusive as well.
So a big role into my relationship was sexual imprinting, where you date, like your father, in my instance.
[00:08:14] Bree: Daddy issues.
[00:08:15] Lily: Yeah.
So, yeah, like, three months into me living in Alabama, haven't even started college yet. Just.
Just the summertime, I found out this man was talking to another female when he was going to his drill duties.
[00:08:31] Lauren : Oh, of course.
[00:08:32] Lily: Yeah.
[00:08:32] Lauren : Because they have to travel, and God forbid they stay faithful while they travel.
[00:08:35] Lily: So that started it all.
[00:08:37] Lauren : Good Lord.
[00:08:38] Lily: And it just spiraled.
Things would change. It would be better for three months. It was a cycle. I will never do it again. I caught him talking to multiple females. And, you know, I was young. I didn't have family here. I barely had friends.
So what am I supposed to do? I just believed him. I took the promise ring. I took the house. I took him paying all the bills. And my money was fun money. And later on, I learned that my money was his money, and it was all for him. I bought him everything.
When we bought the house, I bought all the furniture for it.
And I was in college. I was in nursing school. At one point, I was working three jobs and going to nursing school full time. That was not easy.
[00:09:30] Lauren : That's crazy. Like, I mean, that's amazing for you. Like, not many people have that drive, so that's amazing for you. But for him to just take advantage of that, like, these. These broke men.
These broke men that just want a mommy. It's got to stop. It's ridiculous.
[00:09:48] Bree: So where was all of his money going at this time?
[00:09:51] Lily: He had a hefty savings account.
[00:09:53] Lauren : Of course he did. Yeah, like, of course he did. So he had a savings account, but you were spending all your money on everything you guys did.
[00:10:00] Bree: He had a backup plan.
[00:10:02] Lily: And so, like, we never went on trips. I would always want to do, like, fun little things. And he was not interested. It was almost like he was embarrassed to have me in public with him. And he would tell me I was fat. He would tell me to shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.
It was, like, constant, like, verbal abuse. And later, down the road, it did get a little physical. He put his hands on me a lot. I did try to leave him. I lasted, like, three months. I moved in with my now best friend. Had no clue who she was when I moved in with her.
[00:10:35] Bree: How did you meet her?
[00:10:37] Lily: One of my other girlfriends was like, hey, this person needs a roommate. And I was like, bet.
[00:10:42] Lauren : Amazing.
That's okay. So the abuse part, a lot of people will say, like, you know, why don't they leave? Why don't they leave? Why do they go back? And I think people just don't understand the cycle and how hard, hard that is. So explain some of that for you, like, how hard it is to, like, stay away from that man.
[00:11:00] Lily: And you know, at the beginning, you don't even realize it. It's the words, it will never happen again. It'll never happen again.
[00:11:08] Lauren : And you love somebody so much that you want to believe that. Right? Like, you're seeing the best in that person, so you want to believe that they truly do love you and that they're going to do promises that they make.
[00:11:18] Lily: And I think for me, it was hard because I come from a very small town in upstate New York, and so I didn't want to fail. Like, all these people said, this isn't going to work out. Like, you're going to be back home. And I didn't want that.
[00:11:32] Lauren : Yeah. Yeah. Because especially as women, that's like one of our biggest things, right? Like, we're constantly being told we're going to fail at something. We're constantly being told that we can't live up to whatever standard it is. So then you're like, well, I'm going to prove this wrong.
But we do that a lot of times to our detriment.
[00:11:46] Lily: And he would love bomb me. And that was like a huge thing. Like, he would buy me. He bought me an iPad. He bought me, like, nice jewelry. Like, all these things that if I wanted it, I knew I could have it. He would buy me the fancy dinners. He would, you know, anything for an apology, anything for me to not leave and for what, why?
[00:12:11] Lauren : And then it would just turn back, Right. So then it would go back to you spending all the money and doing everything so they would buy you something, and then it would turn around and go right back.
[00:12:19] Lily: It was like I was buying his love.
And it just got to the point where. So I. Okay, so I stayed away for like three months. And then he changed. He was a different person.
So I still lived with my best friend. We did that for a year. When our lease was up, I moved back in with him.
I had my suspicions, like, he's probably seeing people, whatever. We're on an on and off. Right now. So it's okay. Like, let him figure it out kind of thing.
When I moved back in, things were amazing.
It was like a different time of life. It wasn't necessarily love bombing. I looked forward to marrying him. It was a nice. A breath of fresh air kind of thing.
[00:13:07] Bree: How long did that last?
[00:13:09] Lily: Let's see. I think I moved in in June and then moved out in March, so less than a year.
But it didn't. It wasn't a breath of fresh air for that year. So he actually proposed? Yes.
[00:13:23] Bree: They always do. I don't know what it is. They always find a way to propose.
[00:13:28] Lily: And he did a good job. He really did.
A nice ring.
We went downtown and it was very public.
[00:13:37] Bree: You know, he wanted that validation.
[00:13:40] Lauren : It was. It was, look at me. Look what I'm doing for her. A lot of times when men do it that way, they're like, look what I'm doing instead of it being truly for you.
[00:13:49] Lily: Yes.
[00:13:49] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:13:50] Lily: Yes.
[00:13:50] Lauren : But we don't know that.
[00:13:51] Lily: At the time, it was my graduation photos, so I had a photographer taking, like, my graduation nursing photos.
And then we. We've never had photos taken in the seven years that we were together.
Well, I take that back because my stepsister back home. Crazy fact. A little before he proposed, he was telling my stepsister how much he loved her.
[00:14:16] Lauren : Oh, your stepsister?
[00:14:18] Lily: Yeah.
[00:14:19] Bree: Did he cheat with the stepsister?
[00:14:22] Lily: I think if we were living in the same state, he probably would have. After reading those messages, it sounds like he emotionally cheated. Yeah.
[00:14:29] Bree: Oh, he did something.
[00:14:30] Lauren : Yeah. It sounds like he emotionally cheated at a minimum with stepsister and would have taken physical had he had the ability to do so. But that's insane. Did she. So did she tell you, girl?
[00:14:40] Lily: No.
No.
So this was right before nursing school final.
The cycle. You could have. You could tell when the cycle was cycling.
[00:14:55] Bree: Like, cycle had cycled.
[00:14:58] Lily: He would just change. His whole demeanor would change. I would know he was talking to someone. And so, you know, being the crazy girlfriend, I would go through his phone to prove that. Like, hey, I know you're talking to someone.
I was so caught up on this other girl, I didn't even realize that he was talking to my stepsister. A couple days later, I was like, wait, why was he messaging my stepsister on Snapchat?
[00:15:24] Lauren : There it is.
[00:15:24] Bree: Snapchat.
[00:15:25] Lauren : There it is.
Snapchat is the dev ball.
[00:15:29] Lily: It sure is.
Which red flag.
The way I would always know is his Snapchat score would go so high. And apparently on the new Snapchat upgrade, you can see who looks at your Snapchat story, so be careful out there.
[00:15:45] Lauren : Yeah. So. Well, I don't do Snapchat because I'm too.
I'm too old. But also. So he's on Snapchat, sending all this stuff because you're younger, so it makes sense for you guys to be on it. But still, Snapchat, like, this is a constant thing. So we talk about all the time. We see guys that have their snaps on the dating, and they're, like, in their late 30s, 40s, even 50s with a Snapchat. And we're immediately like, no.
[00:16:12] Lily: No.
[00:16:12] Lauren : Like, We're. Yeah, they're 100% cheaters. They're crazy. Like, no. And I can't believe that your stepsister didn't tell you no.
[00:16:20] Lily: So I asked her. I called my mom. Well, okay. I'm good. I feel like I'm backing up a lot right now, so. Even when we lived in New York, I always told my mom, like, they're very flirtatious. This is really weird. And my mom would be like, no, don't be like that. We're all friends, you know, because we were all friends. We'd all hang out. We would go bowling. We'd do dinners together, like, all these things. And so my mom's like, no, you're wrong.
[00:16:46] Lauren : So you got gaslit by your mom.
[00:16:47] Lily: Yeah.
[00:16:48] Bree: So how did he think family Christmas.
[00:16:50] Lily: Was gonna go well, you know, I.
[00:16:55] Bree: Mean, that's a valid question.
[00:16:57] Lauren : Yes.
Hey.
[00:16:59] Bree: Hey. I cheated on you with your stepsister, but Merry Christmas. Hope you have a happy New Year.
[00:17:04] Lily: I should have known then.
[00:17:08] Lauren : Like, this is crazy. So does she. Did she ever own up to it?
[00:17:12] Lily: She did, and she kind of, like, told me it was my fault.
[00:17:14] Lauren : Oh, okay.
[00:17:15] Lily: Yeah. I also have not talked to her in a very, like, since it happened.
[00:17:20] Lauren : Good for you.
[00:17:21] Lily: Anytime I go home, she stays away. She doesn't come to any family events. My stepdad called me. I went home for the first Thanksgiving after this, and my stepdad called me and was like, hey, I want Bree. You know, his dog.
[00:17:38] Bree: It's not me. Let's just clarify that.
[00:17:40] Lily: It is not me to come to Thanksgiving. Can you please reach out to her and apologize for the things that you said to her?
And I immediately was pissed. I called my mom, like, what the hell? Like, what is this?
[00:17:54] Lauren : I have to apologize because my stepsister was trying to cheat on, like, me with my fiance.
[00:18:02] Lily: Yeah, okay. So I reached out to her, and I was the bigger person. Whatever. Yeah. Still haven't heard from her.
[00:18:10] Bree: You know, this is probably an invalid question, but I have to know. How long were y' all stepsisters for? Or are y' all, like, how old were y' all when y' all became a family?
[00:18:20] Lily: That's kind of tricky because our town is so small, like I said.
So my sister and her sister, or like, my sister and her have been cheerleading ever since, like, the fifth grade together.
And so they're 30.
[00:18:38] Lauren : So you've known her your whole life?
[00:18:39] Bree: Everybody's family?
[00:18:40] Lily: Yes.
[00:18:41] Bree: Okay.
[00:18:41] Lily: And so he has a total of four kids, and my mom has a total of four kids. And so we're all pretty much the same age, so we all played sports together. Like, we're all kind of around each other.
[00:18:53] Bree: Right.
[00:18:54] Lily: And so my. They started dating when I was in, like, the ninth grade, officially, and then got married about the time frame when I was getting ready to move to Alabama.
[00:19:06] Bree: So you've pretty much known her almost your whole life?
[00:19:08] Lily: Since I was in kindergarten, yeah.
[00:19:10] Lauren : I mean, good for you for setting boundaries, because just because they're family, by marriage, by blood, it doesn't matter. But if somebody's toxic in that, in a relationship, they gots to go. I hate it when people are like, but it's family. You need to forgive them. No, you don't.
[00:19:23] Lily: No.
[00:19:23] Lauren : No, you don't. If their relationship is making your life harder and stressing you out, causing you anxiety, depression, anything like. No, you gotta. You have one life to live, and only you will look out for you.
[00:19:37] Lily: 100%.
[00:19:39] Bree: I'm speechless.
[00:19:41] Lily: Well, it gets wilder.
So he poses, and, like I said, it was very beautiful. This was October, maybe November, timeframe in December. I'm getting ready to graduate nursing school. My family's in town. I'm telling my mom, like, something's not right. It doesn't feel right. It feels like a cycle. It's cycling again. I can't keep doing this. I was losing a lot of weight. I was, like, anorexic. I wasn't eating. I was getting stressed out over little things. Like, he wasn't really interested in wedding planning. And I. I felt like, okay, were you just doing this to. Because you knew I was getting a big girl job.
You knew I was going to make the money and I could have handled my own.
[00:20:26] Bree: He knew you were going to become more independent and less reliant on him.
[00:20:29] Lily: Yes.
So December, January, rough months. I probably lost, like, 20 pounds in a very short amount of period.
I was weighing myself constantly, like, six times a day.
[00:20:44] Lauren : Do you think that also has to do with the fact that like, he called you fat previously.
[00:20:47] Lily: Oh, yeah. He literally was not supportive. Like, I honestly would work out. I'm a very active person. I would try to go to the gym. But then, like, I. I feel crazy saying this, but I felt uncomfortable leaving him out of my sight. I did not trust him. He said he was going to therapy.
[00:21:04] Lauren : They always say they're going to therapy. They're not going to therapy.
[00:21:07] Lily: No, that he was going on Wednesday night dates.
[00:21:10] Lauren : Yeah, Dick did that too. Dick was going to therapy. He says he's still in therapy. I'm like, yeah, like you're, you're doing something in therapy.
[00:21:18] Bree: It's called Dick therapy.
[00:21:19] Lily: Literally.
I work nights. So I was transitioning on my tech job and I was like checking at night. I don't nap good. I thought I would never last on night. It's honestly kind of horrible. But I do love the night shift energy. And so I was like trying to transition and he was going out and getting drunk on a Wednesday night doing God knows what.
So February rolls around. He's going on a business trip to Japan. I asked him, are there any females going on this trip? No, it's just these guys.
[00:21:54] Lauren : Sure it is. Sure it is.
[00:21:56] Lily: So someone tries to break out into our house.
[00:21:59] Lauren : What?
[00:22:00] Lily: Yes. We lived in this house for like three years in Owens Crossroads.
[00:22:04] Lauren : That's not a bad area.
[00:22:06] Lily: Yes. And so I call him and you know, he's in a. I don't even know what time zone over there. It's like 14 or something. Hours apart. Yeah, Something crazy.
And he's like, well, freaking out on me. Like, this is my fault. What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do? I'm all the way in Japan, blah, blah, blah. So I go over to my next door neighbor and I'm like, hey, I've never talked to you before, but I'm scared.
[00:22:32] Bree: Get on a damn airplane and come home.
[00:22:34] Lauren : Or I don't know, give me like moral support from Japan.
[00:22:37] Bree: This is tripped my ass.
[00:22:39] Lily: So I'm blistered.
It gets crazy, y' all. I'm telling ya.
He facetimes me of like the beach view and I see a girl and I'm like, who is that? Oh, it was a last minute change. She's just some co worker.
[00:23:02] Bree: She's the flight attendant.
[00:23:03] Lily: He's married to her now.
What a dick.
[00:23:12] Lauren : Bob drop.
So wait, so was it even a business trip or did he just go on vacation with her?
[00:23:20] Lily: I think it may have been a business trip. I don't know if they knew each other before. I don't know if she knows about me.
[00:23:30] Lauren : Oh, probably not, because none of Dick's girls knew about me. Like, they had no idea he was married. No idea.
[00:23:35] Lily: And so a lot of crazy things. So this was, like, the last week of February, Right? And so I was supposed to pick him up from the airport after I sent him a huge essay. Like, I don't know if I can do this. We need to figure this out. This is not all you. This is both of us. Do we both want this? We're going to need therapy if this is going to work. We need to figure out what we want. It was, like, one of those essays where, like, it went dot, dot, dot and opened into the notes app. No.
Like, that's amazing.
It was. It was crazy.
[00:24:07] Lauren : I mean, it's not crazy because you needed to get that off your chest. And he was in Japan with another woman that he ended up marrying, so.
So, like, obviously you weren't crazy because he married the woman he was in Japan with.
[00:24:20] Lily: Yes.
[00:24:21] Lauren : While. While engaged to you.
[00:24:23] Lily: Yes. My win. Her loss.
[00:24:26] Lauren : Absolutely. Absolutely.
Because if. If anyone thinks he's not doing the same thing to her right now.
Yeah, they don't change. Like, cheaters never change. Like, they're gonna keep doing it because it's their cycle.
[00:24:37] Lily: And fun fact, the way he put his hands on me, I wish that on no one. I couldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
[00:24:46] Lauren : You're nicer than me. I wish a lot of things on one in particular person.
But when he would physically abuse you, did he do it in places that were hidden? Like. Cause a lot of times with physical abuse, people will hide it. Like, they'll try to hurt you, where you'll bruise, where it's not as easily seen or things. Or did he just not care? He just would do whatever.
[00:25:05] Lily: He would just straight up do whatever. He took all my, like, ways to contact people away. He threw my phone in the backyard one night.
He took away my iPad, my Apple watch, my car keys.
[00:25:18] Lauren : He isolated you?
[00:25:19] Lily: Yes. And it's so crazy to think that I cried about this. Like, I cried when we broke up, even though I forced him to break up with me. I picked him up from the airport madder than hell because I needed to know what time to pick you up.
And he was, like, telling me I was crazy for calling him because he was right next to her.
And so I picked him up from the airport. Right.
And he was so excited to see me, so happy to see me. And I was pissed off. I was madder than mad. I was like, this. Like, this is unreal. And so we got into the house, and I was like, break up with me. I can't do this. I want you to break up with me.
[00:26:01] Bree: Did he do it?
[00:26:01] Lily: No. I had to keep telling him. I was like, just do it.
And then I, like, had a mental breakdown because I thought my world was going to be over because of this man. Because we were together for seven years, and he controlled my life so heavily.
[00:26:19] Lauren : Well, and you love that person so deeply that you look past all the toxicity and all the abuse like, you're not crazy. They make you that way. They make you reliant on them by isolation. I mean, they all do it. Like, they'll isolate you so that, like, they're your only friend, they're your best friend, that you don't have anybody else. And so then you feel alone. And for you, it was even worse because your entire family's several states away, up north.
And so you're here all alone dealing with this. And, you know, I really didn't have.
[00:26:51] Lily: A good support system as friends because I never hung out with people. Like, either he didn't want me to, or I didn't trust to leave him alone to go do something. And none of my friends liked him. And so that was, like, hard. I had one really good friend in the process of moving out. Well, I had two, and we hung out all the time. She really helped me get through it. Both of them did. My friend that I told you I lived with and is still my best friend, she made me sign a contract that I would never go back to him.
[00:27:22] Lauren : I love that.
[00:27:22] Lily: I love that. I actually sent the picture of the contract with me holding it up, up to my grandpa.
[00:27:28] Lauren : That's amazing. But, I mean, that's a good friend. And that's. That's what women need, is women supporting women. It's so hard to get out of an abusive relationship or a toxic relationship, a cheating relationship. It's just hard to get out of any of it.
[00:27:43] Lily: It's very hard. And I will say I do. I go to therapy religiously.
[00:27:48] Lauren : Same.
[00:27:49] Lily: And I love my girl.
[00:27:50] Lauren : That's right.
[00:27:51] Lily: She is so great. And without her, I don't think, like, I'd be where I am right now.
[00:27:55] Lauren : And what do we always say? Everybody needs to go to therapy.
[00:27:58] Bree: Everybody.
[00:27:58] Lauren : But especially men.
Yes, but everybody needs to go. Therapy is amazing. It's amazing.
[00:28:05] Lily: It is.
[00:28:06] Lauren : It teaches you so much about yourself. It makes you a better person. It makes you be able to communicate. It makes you learn Your worth. Which is something that all or a lot of women struggle with.
[00:28:18] Lily: Yes.
[00:28:18] Lauren : Because of just being a woman. So.
[00:28:21] Lily: And it's hard out there. I. I didn't date for maybe six months, and then I went on one date and I was like, literally, I just need to learn how to talk to a guy. That's the only reason why I went on a date.
[00:28:32] Bree: It's scary going back into the dating world when you've come from something, especially when there's financial abuse, emotional abuse, and in your case, physical abuse. It's very hard because. And I know for me, like, I want to trust people, but I don't. And so, I mean, I could look at your picture and be like, no, he doesn't look trustworthy. And you're going to get the ex just because you don't look trustworthy.
Because you. Once you've been put through so much, you're just done.
[00:28:58] Lily: I would pull up to the date spot and bail.
[00:29:01] Bree: I've done that.
[00:29:03] Lily: I did that on many occasions. I literally would be like, I can't do this.
[00:29:08] Lauren : I mean, but that's okay because that's what you need, like, for yourself. Yeah, you need to do that. Like, if you aren't feeling comfortable, then you gotta go. You should never force yourself to do something to make yourself uncomfortable. I'm to the point where I'm doing it just for stories at this point, for entertainment. Entertainment purposes.
[00:29:25] Lily: I met my boyfriend, my current boyfriend, Unhinged.
[00:29:28] Lauren : Okay.
[00:29:30] Lily: And we were supposed to go on a date. It was going to be when I got off work at one morning, and we were going to go get breakfast. All my co workers were going to go and sit in the corner and.
[00:29:39] Lauren : Kind of watch, you know, be there more sport.
[00:29:41] Lily: Yes. And I bailed.
[00:29:45] Lauren : But it obviously, I mean, he's current, so we.
[00:29:48] Lily: He went out of town with a bunch of guys on a ski trip, and he was still texting me. Like, he was very chill about it. Like, hey, sorry that I've been mia. Been hitting the slopes. And I'm like, bro, you literally texted me like two hours ago. What are you talking about?
[00:30:05] Lauren : He's communicating.
[00:30:06] Lily: Yeah.
[00:30:07] Bree: Has he been to therapy?
[00:30:09] Lily: I don't know.
[00:30:11] Lauren : It sounds like he has some emotional intelligence and actually knows how to communicate with a woman.
[00:30:15] Lily: Yes. And he is so great. He's so great. We're currently moving together to a new city, which at first, you know, with my trauma of moving with a man, I was very scared. But it's all turning out really good. And so.
[00:30:30] Lauren : And you've been Together for a year now, right?
[00:30:31] Lily: Yes.
[00:30:32] Lauren : Well, that's amazing. And so there was. There's hope because I know that Bree and I sometimes don't. Don't feel that way. So it's good to know that there's some, some hope out there. And that's amazing that after what you've been through, that you actually have a supportive partner and somebody who doesn't do all those toxic, awful, abusive things to you.
[00:30:52] Lily: Yes. And I will say BURN Boot Camp had a huge role in my change of life transformation. Yes, I, I really joined BURN just to kill a couple of hours in my day. Like, I. If I only work three days a week. So I would just sit there and I couldn't be alone on my thoughts.
[00:31:10] Lauren : And I was like, when did you join?
Like, was it after breaking up? Okay.
[00:31:17] Lily: Yes. And so I really didn't have, like, friends or anything. And so when my friends were busy, I was like, oh, what am I gonna do now? So I started going. And, you know, it is a little pricey. And so that price kept me accountable. And I would go like five, six times a week. And I noticed a huge change in my body. Like, I put on some weight, I got muscle and I learned how to eat. I.
[00:31:45] Lauren : Those focus meetings are amazing.
[00:31:46] Lily: I had no clue how much protein I was supposed to eat, right? And I was like, girl, I don't even think I eat 20 grams of protein.
[00:31:54] Lauren : Byrne Boot Camp, Jones Valley. Like, I love them so much. And the community, I mean, like, look at us now. They are constantly supporting each other. It's open to everybody, but it's a lot of women and it's very woman focused. Women supporting women.
They're very mom focused. So they have, you know, all the childcare stuff for moms and everything. It's just, it's an amazing place. Definitely come visit and check us out. But yeah, that's amazing that they, they were that, like, catalyst for you to be able to get out of anorexia and have more, like, confidence in your.
Your body and yourself.
[00:32:29] Lily: Oh, yeah, I'll wear crop tops now.
[00:32:31] Lauren : Yes, same. Which I never thought I would do.
[00:32:35] Lily: Me neither.
[00:32:36] Lauren : It's amazing they said little things like that, that you're just like, this is great.
[00:32:41] Lily: And biker shorts. Like, never would I have ever worn those.
[00:32:44] Lauren : Yeah, yeah. And I mean, before we started recording, you had said that, like, you don't even know where your skull is now.
[00:32:51] Lily: Yeah, I, I don't know.
And that's huge because even when I moved on my own, which this. When I moved, when we broke up. This was the first time I've ever lived on my own. Like, I never experienced that before. And so I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. Like, I'm gonna be scared. And that was. That first night was the best night of sleep.
[00:33:15] Lauren : Because your body could finally relax.
[00:33:18] Lily: Yes.
[00:33:18] Lauren : It was no longer on. What is it?
[00:33:20] Bree: Fight or flight?
[00:33:21] Lauren : Yeah, fight or flight.
[00:33:23] Lily: And so, yeah, I don't know where my scale is. I cook every meal almost. I learned how to meal prep.
[00:33:29] Lauren : Yeah. So you learn a bunch of healthy habits.
[00:33:31] Lily: Yeah. And I always cooked, but I always cooked the wrong things, I guess.
[00:33:37] Lauren : Yeah, well, because it's easy because if you don't know and you're not taught and just the fact that you were able to like, find a community that could, you know, lead you down, that make you feel better, more confident. Do you think that had a lot to do with picking your next partner?
[00:33:51] Lily: Oh, yes. Yes.
You do see a lot of, like, relationships in Bird.
And so that was huge. Because I want someone that's going to do what I enjoy.
And so my boyfriend does really like to work out, which is a huge plus because we can enjoy that together.
[00:34:11] Lauren : Right. And then it will. Your lifestyle will remain in that way because you're both doing it as opposed to. When one partner doesn't do that, then it's easy to, to fall back into just, oh, we're just gonna lay on the couch and watch tv. Because that's, that's something that's important to me as well. So that's good to know that you had that boundary and that you were able to find somebody that fits in that.
[00:34:32] Lily: I was very picky on my dating.
[00:34:34] Bree: As you should be.
[00:34:38] Lily: It's crazy to see how far I've been because just recently was like my two year mark.
[00:34:44] Bree: Congratulations.
[00:34:46] Lily: And I actually had therapy that day and I was like, girl, let me tell it's been two years.
[00:34:54] Bree: So what was some of your criteria when you started dating again? Like, what were some of the green flags that you looked for?
[00:35:00] Lily: Oh, God, honestly, I didn't look for green flags. I looked for the red ones.
[00:35:06] Lauren : Fair.
[00:35:06] Bree: That is fair.
What were some deal breakers for you?
[00:35:10] Lily: No military, for the love of God. And then guess what?
Two weeks into talking to my boyfriend, I found out that he is in the military.
[00:35:22] Bree: Thank you for your service. But.
[00:35:26] Lily: And he sent me, when he was on his guy trip, he sent me a selfie and he had a waffle top on, which is a military grade shirt. And I said, waffle top Red flag. And he said, you know what a waffle top is? Red flag.
[00:35:44] Lauren : That's funny.
[00:35:45] Lily: Yeah. No police officers.
[00:35:47] Lauren : Amen. Listen, law enforcement.
I'm in it. I get it.
No.
[00:35:57] Lily: Yeah.
[00:35:58] Lauren : Immediate. No, they're not all.
[00:36:00] Bree: They're not all bad.
[00:36:01] Lily: No, not all. I don't know a single good one.
[00:36:07] Lauren : You know, there's. There's. There's a lot of branches to law enforcement. You got, you know, you got cops, but then you got all your feds, which, you know, they're pretty much the same. And then you got your correctional officers, and that's just a whole nother level.
You know, it's so funny because I.
[00:36:21] Lily: Know people from each group and. Yeah, no.
[00:36:26] Bree: Yep.
[00:36:26] Lauren : They should all just know the firefighters.
[00:36:29] Lily: No doctors.
[00:36:31] Lauren : No.
[00:36:31] Lily: Male nurses. Hell no.
[00:36:34] Lauren : Because you see it. You know, it's funny you say that, because I was talking to somebody last week who said they are a therapist by profession, and. And they were.
We were just having a conversation, and she was telling me that Huntsville has, like, a really high affair rate. And I was like, shocking. Except not. But a lot of it was because of medical field, law enforcement, and then just the, like, transients and the fact that a lot of, like, a lot of jobs here, travel. And I was like, yep, yep, I see it. And I mean, are we dating the same guys every. Every day? Every day.
[00:37:13] Lily: That Facebook group is my favorite.
[00:37:17] Bree: I didn't realize. I think they're national.
[00:37:19] Lauren : Yes. They're bi. City.
[00:37:21] Bree: Is it the same group of women who run the groups?
[00:37:25] Lauren : So from what I understand, it's. It all started with one person, but, like. Or with a group of people that started the Facebook group, but then it's ran by city. And then, like, if you want to run one, they'll. They'll have you admin for a city you don't live in. So that way you. You're not being biased.
So the people who run Huntsville's don't live here.
[00:37:45] Bree: Okay.
[00:37:47] Lauren : But, I mean, that's how I found out that Dick was having an affair with, like, 20 plus women. He was all over that app. That's how Bree found me. Because Bree, he matched with her. She went and looked and saw him, and then she reached out to me. She was like, hey, you're Your husband. Your husband over here in my DMs.
[00:38:03] Lily: I. You know, that's awesome. I wish more females were like that.
[00:38:08] Lauren : Yes. Women need to support women. I don't understand when they put these men who have affairs and who cheat above women, and when, like, your stepsister didn't think, hey, I should probably tell my stepsister that her fiance is being a whore.
Like, I don't understand why women don't do this for other women. It's like. It's like women treat women even worse than men treat women, which is sad. It is so sad. And that's another reason why Bree and I started this, was to be like, we need to be doing this, and everybody needs to be supporting each other and being there for us. And stop blaming women, because like you said, these women didn't know about you. Like, even his current wife probably didn't even know that he was engaged to you.
[00:38:57] Lily: I. And if she did, that would be crazy.
[00:39:00] Lauren : Well, if she did, then shame on her, because there are women who do that, and shame on them. Like, anybody who's okay with being a homewrecker, okay with just having affairs, like, shame on you. But I feel like a lot of women don't know, and they just get labeled home wreckers. They just get labeled whores. They get labeled all this stuff, but they had no idea because they're so good at manipulating and hiding.
[00:39:19] Lily: Well, I always did my research on all the men that I was going on dates with.
[00:39:26] Bree: Good for you.
[00:39:27] Lily: Like, I wanted to know everything about you. I would ask the most silliest questions just to know, like, what kind of person you were.
And that, I feel like, helped weed out the men that I went on dates with.
[00:39:55] Lauren : That's fair.
[00:39:56] Lily: I was like, you will be single the rest of your life.
I was very harsh.
[00:40:01] Bree: You have to be, because that's what they need.
[00:40:02] Lily: Yes.
[00:40:03] Bree: They need harshness.
[00:40:04] Lily: Well, I saw him in public the other night at a bar with my boyfriend.
[00:40:12] Lauren : Oh, that's amazing.
[00:40:13] Lily: And he kept staring at us.
Should have been like, hey, it was a little awkward.
[00:40:20] Bree: So let me ask you this. Now that you have been in therapy, has your therapist talked anything about attachment styles?
[00:40:27] Lily: Yes.
[00:40:28] Bree: Enlighten us on that. I'm curious.
[00:40:31] Lily: And a little bit of everything.
[00:40:33] Bree: There's obviously secure attachment. There's anxious, and there's a fearful avoidant. Dismissive avoidant.
[00:40:39] Lily: I'm avoidant. I am one of the avoidance. I also self sabotage so bad.
[00:40:45] Bree: So you. Do you lean more dismissive, Avoidant.
[00:40:48] Lily: Probably more fearful. Fearful, yes. Because in the beginning of mine and my boyfriend's relationship, I literally was like, it's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. And it was liter me self sabotaging the whole time.
[00:41:00] Lauren : But that's because of what you had been through.
[00:41:02] Lily: Yes.
And I guess, like, I Don't ever, really, like, try to think about my attachment style.
[00:41:10] Lauren : Right.
[00:41:11] Lily: But I. We do a lot of anagram talking, and so I'm an anagram 7. I don't like to be alone in my thoughts. I'm a busy body, and I'm very. Like, try to be positive.
[00:41:24] Bree: Right.
[00:41:24] Lily: Which is so weird because, like, I do get in my negative moments. Gotcha.
[00:41:29] Bree: So obviously he was a narcissist. Yes, obviously.
Okay.
[00:41:34] Lauren : I was gonna say I'm a six. I think I was looking it up, but I had a screenshot, because I can never remember which one I am. I'm 99. Sure. I'm a 6.
[00:41:42] Lily: A 6.
[00:41:42] Lauren : Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't really know what that means, but I'm a six.
[00:41:47] Lily: I got real big into the anagrams in the beginning of my therapy, and it really helped me heal as a person to, like, find out who I was, because I had no clue who I was as a person.
Like, I didn't know anything about my personality.
[00:42:05] Lauren : Yeah, same. So, yeah, I did. I did screenshot it. I am a.
It says 91% type 6, 89% type 8. So I'm basically smack between the two. So between the loyal guardian and a protective Challenger, which. Yeah, 100%. You don't mess with people that I love.
[00:42:21] Lily: Yes.
[00:42:22] Lauren : You need to take this test.
[00:42:23] Bree: I do, but. And I. I've taken it. Oh, gosh. It's probably been 15 years ago. It's been a while. I need to retake it.
[00:42:30] Lily: Yeah. I retook it after probably a year into my therapy. I retook it just to see if I changed at all. And. No, I was still seven.
[00:42:38] Lauren : Okay. I was gonna ask, like, did it change? But I think that sometimes, like, your core values and, like, the questions they ask on those tests, like, those are, like, core deep within you. Like, a lot of them aren't gonna. Aren't gonna shift at all. But I'm glad that therapy's been beneficial and stuff. Are you gonna. Like, you said you're moving, so are you gonna be able to keep.
[00:42:56] Lily: Oh, no. She is so amazing, y' all. She is getting licensed in Tennessee, so I will be still using the same girl. And I'm so thankful because I've. I tried therapy when I was little, you know, with my father and stuff, and I just never enjoyed it. And then I did try therapy a couple of different times with my relationship, and I couldn't get into it. I really had, like.
I had, like, high expectations, and I just, like, got on to, like, the psychology today.com or whatever it is. And like, I wanted someone that was closer to my age who would understand, like, what my life crisis is. You know, it's hard to talk to, like, more experienced people.
[00:43:42] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:43:42] Lily: You know, because times are very different than.
[00:43:45] Lauren : Yeah, Boomers aren't going to understand.
[00:43:47] Lily: They don't understand 20 year olds.
[00:43:49] Lauren : No, we love y' all, but, yeah, we love our boomers, but definitely not gonna understand the. Because it. I mean, our lives are so much online that it's just a completely different situation now, especially for people like you, like Gen z in their 20s and stuff. Like, you guys are fully online, whereas, like us as millennials and elder millennials, we had half our life not online. Thank God.
[00:44:11] Lily: I'm jealous.
[00:44:13] Lauren : Childhood was great, but then. But now it is. And so we're having to deal with that too. And I'm the same way. My therapist is around my age. She's amazing. We FaceTime because she's up in Virginia, where I used to live. I love her. I'm like, she's my longest relationship.
So I tell her, I'm like, well, you could never leave me. You're my longest relationship. But, yeah, that's. That's amazing.
As far as your father, do you have a relationship with him?
[00:44:41] Lily: That's hard.
[00:44:42] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:44:44] Lily: I texted him, told him I'm moving to Tennessee. I said, hey, moving to Tennessee. I'll send you my address.
[00:44:49] Bree: When I got it, did he respond?
[00:44:52] Lily: He said, that's great. So proud of you.
[00:44:55] Lauren : I mean, that's about as bad as, hey, beautiful.
[00:44:59] Lily: It's weird because my dad can drink. He can put down a 30 pack in one night and plus some.
[00:45:06] Bree: So he's a functioning alcoholic.
[00:45:08] Lily: Yes. And very mean.
He was very mean as a child. The cops recalled all the time when I was little. And my brothers are a lot younger than me and we're. We're really close a lot. Five and eight years.
But I spent most of my childhood, like, helping my mom raise them. And so, like, moving to Alabama was like a saving grace, I guess, because, like, what else was I supposed to do? I would have, like, probably been trapped, you know, doing the same thing. And so I left when they were like eight, something like that, you know.
[00:45:41] Lauren : I'm sure that was hard, though.
[00:45:43] Lily: It was so hard because they're my best friends.
My brother's actually coming down tomorrow.
He'll fly in tomorrow night to help me move him and his girlfriend. He just turned 21. So you know what we'll be doing?
[00:45:56] Lauren : Nice. Very nice. Celebrating.
Celebrating.
So that's great that you're close to your brothers. Like, do they have a difficult relationship with your father?
[00:46:06] Lily: Oh, yeah.
[00:46:06] Lauren : So, like, everybody does.
[00:46:07] Lily: Yes. And so it's weird because, like, I don't. I. Me and my dad go on and off. Like, sometimes they'll talk, sometimes we won't, you know, kind of thing. And he sent me a Christmas card.
I don't check my mail.
I. I have no reason to check my mail. I don't online shop. Like, I don't get anything in the mailbox. So I didn't see it for, like, three weeks. And I had to call him and be like, I'm sorry. I'm just seeing this.
And so that was a little awkward. But I think what really helped mine and my dad's relationship is when my brother graduated high school, I went home and I grew up on the water. So my dad has a boat. And so we went out on the water and we were drinking together.
And that really bonded us.
[00:46:55] Bree: Yeah.
[00:46:55] Lauren : So he was like, okay. My daughter could drink now, so now we're. Now we're.
[00:46:58] Lily: Now it's okay that I drink.
[00:47:00] Lauren : Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, but the fact that. I'm sure you've talked about it in therapy, but, like, obviously he had some influence in, like, the dating situation you got in.
[00:47:10] Lily: Oh, yeah.
[00:47:11] Lauren : Because you were already prone to being used to emotional abuse.
[00:47:15] Lily: Oh, yeah. Like, the way he would talk to my mom, it was crazy. The way he would talk to me and my sister was crazy. It's not my sister's dad. We have different dads. She's older, so, like, she would be like, you're not my father, and, like, kind of go do her own thing.
[00:47:30] Lauren : Whereas you couldn't.
[00:47:31] Lily: I couldn't. So I always took the heat of things. One of my, you know, we laugh at trauma, so.
[00:47:37] Lauren : Absolutely.
[00:47:40] Lily: Literally, you know, so I. I do work with kids, and so one of the doctors I work with, he is, like a dad's age, and so I, like, randomly talk about trauma. And he's like, why are you laughing at this?
And I'm like, because this is 100%.
[00:47:58] Lauren : I do it all the time. I'll talk about things that are so dark, and people just stare at me. And I'm like, oh, yeah. I forget that I probably shouldn't talk about this around these people.
[00:48:06] Lily: Yeah. Like, I was, like, telling a story about how my mom punched my dad in the face one time in self defense.
[00:48:14] Lauren : I mean, good for you. Good for her.
We do. We all laugh.
[00:48:19] Lily: There's that time.
[00:48:21] Lauren : I mean, it sounds like it was deserved.
[00:48:23] Lily: Oh, yeah.
[00:48:25] Bree: And I just kind of just want to touch on this. I feel like it's very important. You know, a lot of people were your parent. How long were they together for?
[00:48:36] Lily: My dad was very much like my ex, where he just cheated constantly. So I think I was not a product of a relationship. I was a product of cheating. And so I think for the while longest time, my dad wasn't actually with my mom.
And then they did get together probably when I was like four maybe. I don't really know. I was so young.
And then they got married when I was in the second grade. And then their divorce started when I was in the sixth grade, but didn't get finalized until my senior year, actually.
[00:49:12] Lauren : Oh, my God.
[00:49:13] Lily: Yeah.
[00:49:13] Bree: So did they stay together because, like, of the kids or.
[00:49:18] Lily: My dad never really had, like a regular job.
He was. He worked for the state and got laid off and then his drinking picked up. And that was when I was like that 4 or 5 age. And so my mom pretty much did all the working and stuff. And he helped with the kids. My mom, the cycle tried to leave him multiple times. He would change, he would change, blah, blah, blah. As a kid, I never understood until I was in that cycle.
And like, I had that talk with one of my closest friends and she was like, talking about how, like, she doesn't understand, you know, why this person is in a abusive relationship. And I was like, girl, literally, that was me literally, like two months ago.
[00:50:02] Bree: That's what you saw. Like, that's what you grew up with. And I feel like a lot of parents don't realize, you know, a lot of people, they stay together because of, like, they want to stay together because they have kids together.
[00:50:11] Lily: For the longest time.
[00:50:12] Bree: Yeah.
[00:50:13] Lily: Till like, DHR got called all the time as we were when we were little. I got my ass whooped for talking to DHR one time because that's my fault. They came to me.
[00:50:23] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:50:24] Bree: How dare you?
Yeah. People don't realize, you know, when you're in a relationship, you know, whether it's your husband, you know, your child's father, you know, or vice versa. Just because you're staying together because you have children together does not mean you're doing the best thing for them.
[00:50:39] Lily: Yes.
[00:50:41] Bree: There's lots of trauma, obviously, you know, like we've talked about today and the cycles, if those cycles are not broken, it is going to continue with your children. It does not stop until somebody makes that decision to stop.
[00:50:53] Lily: Amen. Another big part on that I want to touch on is like, when moms look in the mirror or, like, stage of their kids, do I look that? Because that is, like, also so big. Because you're putting that into your little daughter's head. That, like, that's an image.
[00:51:09] Lauren : Absolutely. Oh, my God, that. Yes. That hits home.
[00:51:13] Lily: That is so hard for me because, like, when I was growing up, my mom was very much like that. And like, my mom's a mom of four. She worked as a nurse, you know, like, she did not have time to go to the gym like a normal person, you know, like, she worked hard. And so what? You look beautiful.
[00:51:35] Lauren : Everybody, women, you are beautiful. It does not matter your size. You are beautiful just the way you are.
[00:51:41] Lily: So then I grew up thinking, like, am I fat? And then I had the. The boyfriend that would say, you're fat. And, like, I've always been relatively the same size, you know, like, you're not fat. No, no.
Nope.
[00:51:55] Lauren : Like, as someone who has been very plus size for the majority of her life, you are not.
[00:52:01] Lily: And if I could go back and, like, shake myself.
[00:52:03] Lauren : Oh, I know.
[00:52:04] Lily: Like, saying, you're crazy.
[00:52:07] Lauren : Yeah, yeah. It's always that. I mean, you know, we grow up with all these standards, like, growing up with America's Next Top Model and, like, all these standards, like, oh, my. Yeah, these people are fat. These people are fat. And they're like, half your size. And you're like, what? What? Like, what? And I mean, I've had very dear friends to me talk about, like, you know, oh, I look how fat I am. That are literally, we're like, at the time, half my size. And I'm like, do you realize how this makes, like, me feel?
And it wasn't that they were calling me fat, it's that they were calling themselves fat. But knowing, like, if you put a side by side at the time, they were literally half my size. And so I'm just like, do you not see? So words matter.
And, like, now that I'm in, like, pretty good shape myself, that's one thing I strive to make sure that I'm, like, careful with whenever I'm around anyone else, like, making any comments about sizes about anything. Because I've been there. And we put way too much emphasis on size. And it leads to things like what you dealt with with anorexia, like being a slave to the scale.
[00:53:10] Lily: Yes.
[00:53:11] Lauren : And having all these insecurities that end up leading to abusive relationships.
[00:53:17] Lily: And it's so crazy to watch all the patterns and see all the patterns. And it makes me so sad when I see other people going Through. Through those patterns, because I just want to, like, attached to them and, like, help them go through life. But it's also so hard to understand that, like, they want to help themselves first. Like, Right. You can't tell anyone, like, hey, this is not a good man for you. This is not a good female for you.
[00:53:44] Lauren : It's hard because, like, you said, a lot of your friends didn't like him, but you didn't listen to him. No, same, same, same.
[00:53:52] Bree: Exactly the same. And I feel like, you know.
You know, touching again on. We listen to the man and, you know, the things that they say. We need to be listening to our friends because they are going to spot the red flags way before we do.
[00:54:07] Lily: Oh, yes.
[00:54:07] Bree: And that's important.
[00:54:08] Lily: And it's so funny, because now my bestest friend that I lived with, she loves this man that I'm seeing now.
[00:54:17] Lauren : See?
[00:54:18] Lily: And her husband is, like, they're, like, best friends, and they just moved back from out of state, and we live in, like, the same, like, community.
[00:54:28] Lauren : Oh, it sucks you're leaving.
[00:54:29] Lily: Yeah. And so now I'm, like, really sad that I'm moving, but it's a short drive, so.
[00:54:35] Lauren : Yeah, it's not them. Yeah. I. My friends joke now that they have to meet anybody who I'm going to, like, be serious with, and they're going to, like, vet them. Like, I have to, like, be like, okay, so now we need to fly to. Now we got to go to Georgia. Okay. Now we got to go to Tennessee. All right. Now we got to go up to Rhode Island. Oh, we're going to North Carolina. Like, I have to take them to all these places where all my closest friends are so that they can vet because they don't trust me.
[00:54:57] Lily: I would deBreeef with my friends. I would literally, like, he said this, he said that. What do you think?
[00:55:04] Lauren : That's what me and Bree do.
[00:55:06] Lily: We, like, we had our first date in March, and I knew immediately. I was like, this. This is my guy. Like, he is. This is my person. I know it. And he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend officially until, like, June.
[00:55:23] Lauren : So no love bombing.
[00:55:24] Lily: Nope.
[00:55:25] Lauren : Oh, good.
[00:55:25] Lily: And I. And we. He wasn't seeing anyone. I trusted him. 100.
[00:55:30] Bree: And you met him on hinge.
[00:55:32] Lily: Yeah.
[00:55:33] Bree: I need your criteria.
[00:55:34] Lily: You searched, but so, actually, funny story. Another friend of mine made my Hinge profile.
[00:55:40] Bree: That's what we need to do.
[00:55:42] Lauren : Swap it.
[00:55:43] Lily: Yes. And she, at one point, was, like, swiping for me, and I would do all the talking.
[00:55:51] Lauren : That's funny. See, so, like, you may end up with somebody you wouldn't have picked for yourself, but it ends up being a right match, so.
[00:55:56] Lily: And I actually definitely swiped on him because there was a golden retriever in the photo, and I have a golden retriever, and so, you know, but his photos were so outdated, and so I was like, I don't know about this. And then I saw him in person, and I was like, okay, I can get down with this.
[00:56:14] Lauren : Yeah, I saw one the other day that had. He was, like, in his 40s, and he had photos that were legit from college. And I was like, but what do you look like now?
[00:56:23] Bree: How bad is the hairline?
[00:56:27] Lily: Yeah.
[00:56:27] Lauren : Yeah.
[00:56:28] Bree: Well, thank you for sharing everything with us. You know, I'm so happy that, you know, you went from something very traumatic from growing up to the relationships that you've had and everything, and now you're in such a good place, and, like, I can. I don't know you, but I can see it on your face, like you're happy.
That's amazing. It really is.
[00:56:46] Lily: Thank you. I appreciate y' all having me.
[00:56:49] Lauren : Absolutely. And, well, I won't be seeing you burn as much, but we will definitely keep in touch. And it was. It was great having you on.
[00:56:57] Lily: Thank you.
[00:56:58] Lauren : And we wish you the best of luck with the new amazing guy.
[00:57:02] Lily: I'll send you my wedding invite.
[00:57:04] Lauren : Yes, please do. Please do. Spill. The tea will be there.
All right, Bree. Well, we will see you guys next week and see what our story is all about.
[00:57:12] Bree: Then we'll have more.
