Episode Transcript
[00:00:16] Bree: Welcome back to Spill the Tea.
[00:00:17] Lauren: HSV with Lauren and Bree.
This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances or contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
Hey, Bree.
[00:00:54] Bree: Hey, Lauren. How was your week show? How was yours?
[00:00:58] Lauren: Like, that's what we say every week.
[00:01:01] Bree: This week was a little worse than. Than most.
[00:01:03] Lauren: Was it because it was a full moon?
[00:01:04] Bree: Yeah.
Yeah, it was because it was a full moon.
[00:01:07] Lauren: The crazies came out.
[00:01:09] Bree: So what are your dating stories for the week?
[00:01:12] Lauren: So I've been in Miami, so Miami. So I was like, let me download an app and see what's happening down here.
It's not any better.
[00:01:23] Bree: I can imagine.
Can only imagine. It probably gets worse.
[00:01:28] Lauren: There's people down there who literally in their bios say, I'm just here for a green card.
[00:01:32] Bree: Are you shitting me?
I mean, they're more honest than any of my ex husbands were, but, you.
[00:01:38] Lauren: Know, I mean, at least you're telling us what you want. But I was just like, all right.
There was one that was funny, though, so I saved it because I thought it was hilarious.
Offering used 80s human with turbo engine that runs like new, won't break down. Assembled in Miami from Cuban parts.
Tires are bald, can't be replaced. More than one previous owner has dents. Has one spare tire who's 24.
Interior is clean, cool air, vibes travels far.
Kept in private garage.
Has 16,425 life miles of.
[00:02:23] Bree: So many questions.
[00:02:28] Lauren: Yep.
[00:02:28] Bree: So we know he's been tested.
[00:02:30] Lauren: Yeah, he's been tested.
[00:02:31] Bree: His barrier's clean.
[00:02:32] Lauren: He let everybody know that he's clean. But I was laughing very hard at this.
[00:02:36] Bree: That is. That's the best one yet.
[00:02:38] Lauren: I think it was. It was very funny.
[00:02:40] Bree: That's the best one.
[00:02:41] Lauren: He also says he's 6 2, so.
But I had to swipe left because he smokes and we ain't doing that. Yeah, but, yeah, so that was entertaining. So then, so then second day in Miami, I was talking to some co workers and I told them about the podcast. So they were checking it out and everything. And one of, one of the guys comes up to me and he goes, well, you know, I think Miami is going to be better for you. Like, our guys aren't like that. Like, they're not going to be like that. I was like, okay, okay. And so he goes, he goes, we'll try to go on a date and see what happens. So I set up a date for that Tuesday, which is literally, I was there two days.
[00:03:15] Bree: Yeah.
[00:03:16] Lauren: And this guy picked a place, confirmed a place, time, everything, and I get there. And as. As soon as I get there, I'm like logging on to let him know, like, hey, I'm here.
[00:03:28] Bree: Yeah.
[00:03:28] Lauren: And he unmatched me, so he stood me up and just ghosted me, which I don't care.
[00:03:34] Bree: What a dick.
[00:03:35] Lauren: I mean, I'm here for research, so.
[00:03:38] Bree: For educational purposes.
[00:03:40] Lauren: For educational purposes.
So I was just laughing, but it just cracked me up because I still ate there. Like, I'm still gonna eat. I'm still gonna explore the area. Like, I'm in Miami. I'm not gonna not do my own thing. So I ate, walked around.
And then the next day I went into work and I was. And he was like, how'd it go? I was like, he stood me up. And he was like, damn it, Miami.
[00:04:02] Bree: Not off to a good start.
[00:04:04] Lauren: So, yeah, it was very entertaining.
[00:04:06] Bree: But yeah, next time you got story out of it.
[00:04:09] Lauren: I did. And that was the point.
I don't have any hope for any man at this point. So when they do stuff like that, I'm just like, yeah, yeah, it's all done. That's about. That's about right.
[00:04:18] Bree: Yeah.
[00:04:20] Lauren: But yeah, what about you?
[00:04:22] Bree: Well, so the first one I had, he liked me on the dating app. And he was a good looking guy. You know, he was tall, he had a nice beard, good looking guy. So, you know, his main profile picture is just himself. He has a really good bio. And then you get to the bottom of it and it says he's married. That's not all you keep scrolling. It's a picture of him and his pregnant wife.
And when I say pregnant, I'm talking like eight or nine months along.
[00:04:48] Lauren: Does she know?
[00:04:49] Bree: Yes, I think not for sure.
He. Well, no, she probably doesn't know because he didn't state that she knew. He didn't even state that she was pregnant. But. But you keep scrolling. And it's a picture of their whole family, him, her and their three kids that they already have.
[00:05:05] Lauren: And it didn't say like, looking for a third.
[00:05:08] Bree: No, most of the time it says like, oh, looking for, you know, we're polyamorous or whatever.
No, nothing. Nothing whatsoever.
Her and their kids on his dating profile. And I had so many questions. I Kind of wanted to match. Just ask questions and then block him.
[00:05:23] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:05:24] Bree: Because that I could not imagine.
[00:05:26] Lauren: Well, I'm just like, does she. I mean, is she. Does she know and is she okay with it? If she is, why is she okay with it? I don't know.
[00:05:32] Bree: Specify it in your bio.
[00:05:33] Megan: Yeah.
[00:05:34] Lauren: And also, like, tell people that, because that's very confusing. I bet that was a shock to scroll down and be like.
[00:05:38] Bree: It's like, damn, she big. Like, she's big prank.
[00:05:41] Lauren: Like, she about to pop.
[00:05:42] Bree: She is so, you know, that was interesting, the second one.
Sometimes, you know, men are supposed to grow up as they get older, huh?
[00:05:52] Megan: Yeah.
[00:05:52] Bree: Yeah. Okay.
So this one, he was in his 70s. Of course, he barely had any hair, and what he did have was just as white as a piece of paper. Bless his heart. He was old and wrinkly, and he was just looking for something casual. That's gonna be dick in his 70s. He is looking for something casual. Look, you got one foot in the grave. You need to be looking for, like, somebody that can fix you a meal while you're on your deathbed.
[00:06:16] Lauren: There are just some men.
[00:06:18] Megan: Some men.
[00:06:19] Lauren: Well, I said. I say that'll be Dick, but Dick will say that he's in. In it for a serious relationship and then, you know, spend somebody's retirement money.
Yeah, he'll use somebody for their retirement money and then leave them still. At 70 years old, he'll still be a con. Con artist.
[00:06:36] Bree: Everybody knows who he is, though. By the time he's 70, they should.
[00:06:40] Lauren: I mean, it's already pretty popular on. Are we dating the same guy? You should go check it out if you haven't.
[00:06:44] Bree: Yeah, he's made his rounds.
[00:06:46] Lauren: Yep. As. As recently as a couple weeks ago. Like last week. I think it was last week, I'm sure.
So, yeah, they can figure it out.
[00:06:54] Bree: They can.
So, yeah. I'm just baffled after this week. It was a full moon.
[00:06:59] Lauren: Yeah, it was definitely, definitely full moon week.
Well, we have a very special guest with us today.
Megan is here to tell us about her story. We will do a trigger warning for this story.
[00:07:11] Bree: Yep, absolutely.
So her story is going to share some about abuse, sexual abuse, and things of that nature. So if that is something that you are sensitive to or if you have been in a situation of that nature and you're not comfortable listening to it, her story will revolve around that in our podcast today.
[00:07:30] Lauren: So, yeah, so go ahead and turn this episode off if that is not for you, but we will get started.
[00:07:37] Megan: I.
[00:07:37] Lauren: All right, Megan. So tell us a little bit about your story.
[00:07:40] Megan: So I'll tell people a little bit about myself.
Nothing too in detail, in depth, but you know, grew up in a good household, have always been very hardworking, straight A's in high school and grew up, got into college. I have been blessed to have a really good education, a really good career. I'm an athlete and I have competitively participated in very high level and a very small sport.
I'm an artist and just kind of one of those people who does my best to get as good at so many things as possible.
So I just mainly want to come at this from a perspective of telling my story.
If you have ever been in a situation or found yourself in a place that you hear anything I say and can resonate with it, that, you know, it doesn't matter who you are, you can be the most successful person, you can be the most intelligent person, you can be emotionally mature, you can be on any spectrum of any place and there are things that can happen that you are not prepared for and it's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
And you have support and you have people around you.
And that's one thing that I, I didn't really understand going through what I went through. So I'll kind of get into a bit of the story of me and my ex and what I thought was something that was a very good relationship for a while and then how it ended up turning into both a sexually abusive and narcissistic and damaging relationship that actually, you know, traumatized me to the point I had to, I had to seek out help, you know, seek out therapy, specifically trauma therapy for it. But we met, this was back a few years ago, we met on a dating app. This was at a point in my life, you know, I was confident.
I'd been on my own for a little while and you know, being on your own when you're, you're a high energy person, you find yourself, you know, you'll go out, you'll meet people, you'll make a lot of friends, you'll try new things. You know, you don't have a lot of fear. At least I didn't at this time.
[00:10:20] Lauren: Yeah, you're very good at that.
[00:10:22] Megan: Yeah, there are many things I'm afraid to try.
So it's just, it's, you know, you vibrate with just like good energy and confidence and it's, it's a really important part because like you gotta, you gotta know who you are outside of other people and.
[00:10:40] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:10:40] Megan: And that's when you have that stability, you know, and then you try and add another person to your life and hope that, you know, you get to continue to be that vibrant person. So I met my ex on a dating app, and that's just the mindset I was in is, you know, if I meet a person who will add to my energy and not take away and can keep up with me, like, let's be honest.
And so I met this guy, and he was, on paper, everything that you would want. You know, he's tall and has a good career, is smart, can hold a conversation at.
At, like, the level you want. He had family nearby, and from what I understood, was on good terms with them, you know, driven in his career and driven in his hobbies, had things outside of me that he enjoyed doing.
And all of those, to me were such green flags, you know, that I felt I could be myself. I felt I could be happy and energetic and vibrant with this person in my life. And early on, you know, the first three or so months, everything just seemed a little too. Too good to be true, you know, like, everything is vibing. You don't get in arguments you don't like. Nothing goes wrong. And then one of the first big things to note was he, early in this relationship, decided to take a job in Birmingham. So about two hours away. And that's. That's kind of where the slippery slope started. So, of course, you know, long, long dist.
Is what we kind of inevitably decided on. We hadn't been dating long enough to say, okay, well, like, you know, it's like, kind of right at that level where you're like, what do we do?
[00:12:33] Lauren: Yeah, how long? Like, estimate. How long were you together at this point?
[00:12:36] Megan: About three months. About three months. So it was like, early on, you're just like, well, what do we do? And so we decided to try a long distance. To me, you know, being young, having a lot of energy, like, I was willing to travel. I was, you know, I really liked the guy. But that's when a lot of the red flags started.
So when we were apart, we would bicker and fight a lot. Like, he'd get quippy or upset at me. I'd get. He'd be fine one minute, and then the next, it was like a light switch, just something completely different. And there would be times where, you know, we would have a phone call, and I was trying to figure out what.
What was going wrong, what. What I had done to get him upset, you know, and the reality of what was happening is at the beginning, you go through, you know, the little butterflies and rainbows and someone's giving you a lot of attention. And then when.
When I wasn't, like, responsive or I wasn't saying the right things or doing the right things, it was an immediate snap. He started to get mean, you know, in some of the conversations that we had. And it was still early on, but at that point, you know, it was like still a few months in, and it was like that cycle of for every bad thing, it would be made up and brought around and there was something, a gift or a experience or something that would loop you back in.
[00:14:17] Bree: So he love bombed. He love bombed you in the beginning.
[00:14:20] Lauren: Love. A good love bombing.
[00:14:21] Megan: So basically I started noticing a pattern of when I traveled as well.
He. And this is. These are the things to pay attention to pay attention to what happens when you are going after the things and the experiences that make you who you are. Right. So a quick story I'll tell. I had a. A trip planned for months with three of my other friends, and it was two other girls and one guy. He had met the guy friend who was going. And we ended up going on this trip. I.
My ex was invited, but because of the timing, about a month ahead of time, so. And being someone who travels a lot, that's. That's hard. I understood that it was hard because, you know, you got to book flights and. And all that, but. But when we went on the trip, I kept him in the loop. I share my location with him. I told him what we were going to do. We were going to be at a beach. And then there was a friend of one of the friends who was on the trip who lived nearby, who's having a birthday party that we're going to go to. And I vividly remember being at this party with just all these people and then getting just out of. Now this Snapchat. That was a completely different tone from that morning. And it had a picture of a woman's shoe and his shoe.
And he had told me that his friends were in town, his two friends, a guy friend and his guy friend's girlfriend. And the tone of the text was instead of the lightness of the morning, was very angry, very upset. And then with the juxtaposition of the shoe, like, immediately sitting here with all these people around me, my. My heart just dropped. And I was confused because I told him everything that was going on, and I was just. I didn't know what to do.
[00:16:30] Lauren: Was he trying to make you jealous that there was a girl with him? Like, that's what it implies to me.
[00:16:35] Megan: And my brain didn't pick up at it. Like, my brain didn't say, this is because I'm not a jealous person.
[00:16:41] Lauren: Right.
[00:16:42] Megan: I'm not innately. I. Something I believe as a person is it will come out if. If there is something that's wrong. If someone's cheating on you, it will come out because you'll feel it in your gut. Yeah.
[00:16:57] Lauren: And sometimes it comes out, like 20 plus people. And you're like the.
[00:17:01] Megan: Exactly.
But the time that you spend being jealous or upset at it in the meantime, before it does come out, that's the time in your life that you can't get back, you know?
So I'm. I'm the person who thinks, like, I'm.
[00:17:23] Lauren: Not emotional intelligence right now.
[00:17:24] Bree: Yeah, it really is.
[00:17:27] Megan: Well, I just. I don't want to walk around thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong. I've learned in life that that can get really heavy. It can get really heavy.
[00:17:40] Lauren: And I'll say, because you.
This was a few years ago, and so you were obviously, like, younger, too. Cause it's like Snapchat was a thing, and I feel like you probably don't use that anymore as much.
[00:17:52] Megan: No, I don't have a Snapchat.
[00:17:53] Lauren: Exactly. Yeah, that's what I was. I was like, I don't think you got that no more because we always say Snapchat bad.
[00:18:02] Megan: But I mean, like, to your point earlier is like, you were right. You know, He's. He was trying to make me jealous, even though I knew that this friend was coming into town with supposedly his girlfriend. Well, why, first of all, are you upset at me through this snap? And then also, that is the image behind it.
[00:18:23] Bree: He felt intimidated, so he was trying to do the exact same thing to you. But since you are an extremely smart woman, you didn't bite. You didn't bite the bait.
[00:18:32] Megan: I mean, I just didn't realize it at that point. I don't know. You can even call me smart. I was just more worried about, oh, why is the tone shifted? You know, that's. That's a. That's a very real trigger for me when someone goes from just light and airy one minute to dark and stormy, you know? Yeah. It's a switch that flips and you go into, oh, no, how do I make this better? Like, oh, no, what did I do? Oh, no, did I do something wrong? How do I fix it? I ended up walking away from that party, like, just down the street and sitting there on the phone with him. Just talking.
And my other two friends came looking for me. I was out there that long trying to talk this guy down, and it was just the.
The nasty things that were said about me and the accusations.
[00:19:23] Bree: So was he making accusations like that you were cheating on.
[00:19:27] Megan: Oh, yeah.
He didn't necessarily like that particular guy friend that I went. He had met him, but he wasn't like, good buddy, buddy, pal with him. And I think this just made him go, oh, well, there's one guy on the trip, and this guy is gonna be someone that, like, you cheat on him with. And that's very much so not true.
I take a lot of pride in the fact that I am loyal, and I have never cheated on any person I've been with. You know, I just. I find it. It's a very moral thing for me is you don't betray someone like that. You just don't. It's not. It's not in my blood to do that.
[00:20:13] Lauren: It's because you have morals, and there are many that do not.
[00:20:16] Megan: Yeah.
[00:20:17] Lauren: And that's what's sad and it's disgusting.
So. But for him to do that to you and try to, like, make you feel like, crazy for being with your friend.
And again, who. Who's been. He's met, like, that's a. That's wild.
And it wasn't like it was just the two of you on a romantic trip. There were two other women there, so that's stupid.
[00:20:40] Megan: Yeah. And so.
And my friends, like I said, came looking for me and offered to talk to him, and he didn't want to talk to any of them. He just flipped a switch to these people. Equal, bad, and from then on out.
And I didn't realize it, but he pushed as hard as he could to keep me in Birmingham, in.
Away from my friends.
[00:21:08] Lauren: Isolation.
[00:21:09] Megan: Yeah.
[00:21:09] Lauren: It's from the narcissist handbook right there.
[00:21:12] Megan: Yeah.
[00:21:12] Bree: Number one, red flag.
[00:21:13] Megan: And so.
But like. But pay attention to that, because that was me going on a fun trip. Well, fast forward a little bit. And we had worked it out. Of course, you hit your cycle of.
I made the mistake. I didn't invite him early enough. And like, just all these things that he would have. That cycle of.
You have to go over it again and again and again in the argument until you start getting confused and you take the blame. And you take the blame.
If you are always the person at fault and you come out on the bottom and the blamed one in every single fight you have, watch out for that.
You know, there's something to be said for admitting when you're wrong. But when there's a pattern of no matter what the situation, no matter what the fight, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what he did to you, you still take that blame and you still feel that and you still go searching for how do I make myself better? Because I wasn't good enough this time.
You know, I was reading self help books. I was reading relationship guides. What. What do I have to do to be a better person and never make a mistake again?
[00:22:37] Lauren: I bought a book called how to fight Better as a self help book because he made it. He made me feel like I was the one that was always doing the fighting. It was always my fault. Because he's like, you're the one that starts these fights. And it's like, well, no, the things that you're doing, your actions are leading to this. And I, like, I bought that book and I remember sitting there reading it and I was just like this. And so I was like, can you read this book too? And he's like, I don't read. You know, that. And I'm just like, okay.
[00:23:03] Megan: And I mean, that was another thing. Like, eventually this relationship went on like spoilers. It went on for months. So I was about 10 months into this relationship and my final straw was, you know, I had started seeing a therapist again, and I was so stressed out and traumatized and just anxious from everything that I, I asked him, like, please, I, I'm trying, I. I'm trying to be good enough for you at this point, and can you help me by going to a therapy session with me and talking with my therapist? And I like. And he, he was like, no, no, it's not, it's not, no, I'm not, I'm not going there.
[00:23:52] Lauren: Because they think they don't need it.
And the people that think they don't need therapy need it the most.
So.
[00:23:58] Megan: Well, I mean, it's a tool. It's, you know, you go to a doctor, if you split your head open, falling on.
What about your emotional intelligence? What about healing in that regard?
[00:24:10] Lauren: Absolutely. Therapy's amazing.
[00:24:13] Megan: Yeah. I mean, you know that everyone has something to work on, you know, whether it's their upBreenging that caused it, whether they're, you know, hitting something now, whether they've had trauma. Because, you know, you have trauma in everyday life. You witness a car crash, that's trauma, you know, so everyone has something that they can heal up just a little bit. The very least.
[00:24:33] Bree: One thing you mentioned was the anxiety. And so I can relate to this, especially in My second marriage, there came a time which he was also a narcissist. And I remember thinking one day, like, I am anxious every single day. And I thought something was wrong with me. Like, why am I anxious? What can I do differently?
It was my body's reaction to coming home every day to him and having to deal with his every single day. And I did not realize that until I got out of that marriage and my body started to come back to normal. And I'm like, you know, I don't need to be medicated anymore because it wasn't me to begin with. It was the relationship. It was him making me think something was wrong. And I was constantly in a state of anxiety.
[00:25:13] Megan: Well, and let me tell you, like, right along with that, you hit the nail on the head there. Because one of the biggest things that I learned, especially through trauma therapy after the fact, is every single person, okay, and sit with yourself. Ladies out there. And even guys listening to this. Sit with yourself and find the place that you hold it, that you hold the stress physically.
Because if you are in the state of stress, it doesn't matter. Like, if you're around someone who triggers you. If you're in a situation that triggers you, stop in that moment, sit there, close your eyes, check in with your body, and there's going to be a physical representation. For me, it was a knot feeling in my chest, around my collarbone, right? Like, you know, it prevented you from being able to fill your lungs, and you could just. You could sit there and feel that knot.
[00:26:13] Bree: It feels like you're suffocating almost. Absolutely.
[00:26:17] Megan: Exactly. And that's. That's one physical representation of it, you know, is everybody has that physical representation, whether it be exactly how I explained it or elsewhere. But pay attention. That is one of the biggest warning signs, right? When you are not where you should be or with a person you should.
[00:26:38] Bree: Be, your body will tell you, because your mind's not going to be the first thing that tells you, because we all have our blinders on, especially in the beginning, but your body will tell you.
[00:26:47] Megan: Yeah, so there's going to be physical representation somewhere. And with that, we've. We've been talking about kind of some of the, I hate to say it, lighter things, but I am going to start moving into some of the harder details, so bear with me. The further we got into this relationship, you know, it was.
It was really difficult. I was. I was going through looking for a new job at the time.
I was having a hard time in my current job and had some great opportunities.
And throughout that process, you know, he had made the switch to move to a different city. And I didn't question that. And I found a way to make it work. But it was. It was getting increasingly hard. There was a point where he called me and picked a fight. And I quote, why do I put up with you when there are so many other women out there who will be less trouble and who will be less of a pain and a burden?
[00:27:56] Lauren: That's.
That's awful.
Like how. I'm so sorry.
[00:28:02] Megan: That one. That one's hard. That still sticks with me. That's one of the only things that he ever said to me, that out of all the things that were just cruel and mean and terrible, that will still. When I'm having a really hard day, it'll still pop up in my head and sit there and stew and hurt me.
[00:28:24] Lauren: Yeah. And that's. That's always rough to have something that pops up like that, because it's like, you know, you've obviously done the work. You've gone to therapy. You've done a lot of things to heal from this. And it's always hard when there's still, like, something that will pop up and, like, Breeng you back to that place. But.
And if you just feel like, you know, you're like, am I a burden?
Type thing. Exactly. So.
Which you never are to me. So you know that you can always call me anytime.
[00:28:53] Megan: I appreciate you, but, yeah, like, you just. You don't say that stuff to people that you care about. You don't say something like that.
And, you know, I challenged him on it.
I was really proud of myself in that moment, because, I mean, I told him, you don't. You don't say that to me over phone. And I said, if you.
If you feel that way, say it to my face and let me go.
I don't think he expected that.
Obviously, I was in tears. You know, obviously I cared about this person, and I didn't want that to be the case. But he spun his wheels back, he made up for it, and the relationship continued.
[00:29:43] Bree: He didn't expect you to bite back.
[00:29:45] Megan: No.
[00:29:46] Bree: And that's one thing narcissists hate is whenever you bite back and stand up for yourself.
[00:29:52] Megan: I mean, going back to what I said kind of earlier with. You can be at a Breeght, vibrant level if you're doing well off. Narcissists prey on that. They prey on the confidence. They prey on your success because they think they deserve the best.
So it's like a backhanded compliment to be targeted by a narcissist. Because there's something that you have that is powerful and a magnet.
Success and strength and wittiness and just all of those things. Just that those are what they want. But the layers that they will try and peel back from you throughout their relationship.
[00:30:43] Lauren: Yeah. They want it, and then they want to suck it out of you.
[00:30:45] Bree: Yeah.
[00:30:46] Lauren: Like, they're like, oh, yeah, control it. Look what I'm with. And.
[00:30:49] Megan: Yeah.
[00:30:49] Lauren: But then I'm gonna, like, completely destroy it.
[00:30:52] Bree: Yep.
[00:30:53] Megan: Control right there is. I want the most, like, vibrant, wild thing out there, and then I want to control it, and I want to put it in a box, and I want to make it so that it only does what I want, when I want it, how I want it.
[00:31:09] Bree: And then later, when they ask, well, why did you change? What. You know, you were this certain kind of person, you know, in the beginning of the relationship, and now you're a completely different person. Well, you've made me that way because I couldn't see how you truly were as a person until now.
[00:31:23] Megan: Yeah, I mean, I. I really love reiterating that.
If you're an intelligent woman out there like that, that doesn't matter, because it's going to be something. You can be the smartest person ever. And they are target in a way that.
That manipulates.
[00:31:43] Lauren: I think that's what's been hard for me in therapy to get over, is how did I not see it?
Like, when we are, like, all three very intelligent women sitting at this table. So when you fall for somebody who is like this and can abuse you like that, like, how do you not.
Like, how did I not see it?
And it's so hard. Actually, the woman I caught him cheating with, the first one, we've. We've actually spoken and talked, and one of the things she actually said was that her therapist taught her was like, you can't.
You can't know things that you don't know.
[00:32:22] Megan: Yeah.
[00:32:22] Lauren: And I was like, so the woman that I caught him cheating on me with actually said something to me that I was like, and now we're friends. But, you know, it's funny how that comes full circle, but. But it's true. Like, when you're smart, you're like, why was I so stupid?
[00:32:39] Megan: And, I mean, the fact of the matter is it's a manipulation tactic. It's not something that even as a smart person, you exercise looking out for.
It's not like you're sitting there in study hall opening a book, and it's telling you the signs and it's telling you the red flags, that's why I'm here today is literally even in the face of still fear, like fearing this person is because if I can say one thing that resonates that you are going through that you are hurting through that you don't think is a thing or is a red flag. And I'm saying this and you're like, oh my gosh, if I can do that, I mean, that's, that's why I'm here, you know?
[00:33:26] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:33:27] Megan: So kind of continuing with that, getting into later in that relationship, I had finally changed jobs and got a lot of upsetness from my ex about this. Initially supportive, and then it meant that I had to be in the office more in Huntsville.
And so then became the guilt tripping and the meanness and the upsetness that I wasn't there day in and day out.
[00:33:55] Bree: Because you were doing something for yourself and not for him.
[00:33:58] Megan: And it was finances too. I mean, I was doing well, not even just, just doing something for myself. I was, I was doing well, you know, and so in order to fix it, because after these arguments, it's, it's my fault, you know, I, I took this job. I, I didn't realize that I was going to have to be in the office more. It was more time that I had taken away from us as a couple. So I started commuting almost three, four times a week from Birmingham.
[00:34:28] Bree: Drove from Birmingham to Huntsville that many times a week.
[00:34:31] Megan: Yeah. It was a lot of early mornings, a lot of late nights.
[00:34:34] Bree: Yeah.
[00:34:35] Megan: Yeah.
[00:34:36] Lauren: It sounds like you were like, like running yourself ragged.
[00:34:39] Megan: I was exhausted. Yeah, I was exhausted. And to make it worse, especially around this time in the relationship, at that point in my life, you know, I was a very sex positive person and I didn't believe in the whole waiting towards waiting until marriage. And we, we matched energies on that for a while. But over the course of the relationship, it got to the point where his drive was not normal. Like, we're talking lose count in a day. We're talking six, seven, eight times in a day. And heaven forbid he had a bad day at work. That was what he used to.
[00:35:18] Lauren: It's punishment. So it's like it was his punishment.
[00:35:22] Megan: It. Well, it was an addiction.
[00:35:23] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:35:24] Bree: So we're talking about like with you and not just by himself.
[00:35:28] Megan: Yeah.
[00:35:29] Bree: Oh, my God.
[00:35:30] Megan: And it's what I have a really kind of hard time talking about because there was a point in that where, you know, I was running myself ragged to be there and I was in pain. I Mean, yeah, that meant that much. That is painful.
And it was.
I have a super high pain tolerance. I'm an athlete. You have to. You get injured all the time. And the pain, though, wasn't worse than what would happen if I didn't give in. The things he would say and things he would manipulate would just break me down. So the only thing I could do was, you know, you find yourself layering. You put on sweatshirt after sweatshirt after clothing item after clothing item, and hope he didn't have a bad day at work to come back, and you're basically hiding yourself. And I went from a very confident in my body, feeling beautiful, feeling like I wanted to go out in a pretty dress, to I want to hide. And your brain doesn't even register it at all. I had, earlier in the relationship, gotten my annual checkup, and everything was clear. Always get tested, ladies. Always get tested. If you are in. Like, if you were casually dating, get tested. If you are in a relationship, get tested. Just get tested. Because early in our relationship, we'd been together for a few months, and I'd had my annual gynecologist appointment. She had even noted she was concerned about me based on just the annual exam because of the amount of pressure that I had on me from him. And then a few months later, after this appointment, she had already been concerned about me. But of course, the test came back clean. A few months later, I was just back at home, and I got a phone call from him. And he had gotten tested for a transmitted disease, a curable one, but had tested positive. And I should have known then. I just remember standing there in my backyard, just going over what it meant because I'd been tested after we had started dating. And so he cheated. There's nothing else I can possibly think of.
[00:37:44] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:37:45] Megan: When.
[00:37:45] Bree: Yeah, Any man who wants it that often there's more than just one person.
Absolutely.
[00:37:51] Megan: And to also have been in the pain that I was in at that time and still. And the manipulation continued, you know, the coming up with documents, like, oh, like, you can't spread it within X and X months. Like, it could happen where you tested. Because he knew when I got my gynecologist appointment.
[00:38:08] Bree: Did he accuse you of cheating or blame you for it in any way?
[00:38:12] Megan: Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, he did.
[00:38:16] Lauren: What a piece of shit.
[00:38:17] Megan: It was in a. In a fight we had. Like, I was having to go through treatment because, I mean, obviously he had passed to me, and we were having another argument, and I was tired. I driven all the way, and he was being nasty to me. Again. And I got upset and I said, and, like, you gave me this. And he turned it right around. He said, no, you probably cheated. And it's your. Like, how do I know it wasn't your fault? And in my head, I was just so confused and so hurt and so. Just traumatized at that point. It was like, so many months in, and I just. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a strong.
You know, I distanced myself from my friends.
I distanced myself from my family at that point.
[00:39:02] Lauren: I wish I had it.
It's hard to see you upset like this because I love.
You're somebody I love very much.
And I wish that I'd known you then because I would have definitely been there for you. And I'm so sorry that he put you through that.
[00:39:20] Megan: I. I wish I'd never met him. Yeah. Like, there's just, like, someone. Nobody. No, like I said, that's why I'm here. Like, nobody should ever have to go through that. Nobody, no, not a single human being should ever have to go through that.
[00:39:35] Lauren: Sexual abuse and emotional abuse and just all the manipulation.
[00:39:40] Bree: It's disgusting.
[00:39:41] Lauren: And then giving you something and then turning it around on you and making you feel like you are dirty or you know that you did something wrong when you know that you didn't.
[00:39:52] Megan: And in that time, like, it never hit me that when you try and resist and say no, or layer up with so many items of clothing and hide and try and push away, and even when you say you're in pain, even when you say you're hurting, and that's met with, well, you.
You don't care about me or you don't. Worse things, like, to the point where, you know, you're talking about all the pretty women that just, you know, how replaceable I, Like, I was. I was replaceable. So replaceable. And I was reminded of that anytime that I didn't want to give in to that and just this anger and frustration and like, that's. Coercion is not consent.
It's not consent. If you are in pain and you don't want to and there is hesitation and you are not there for it. That is not consent.
[00:41:03] Lauren: No. And you. You said no. You said no. And that.
That's rape. And that's what that is. And it doesn't matter. If you're in a relationship with somebody, it's not consent. And it's. It is rape. And everybody needs to know that. That it is. A lot of people just don't realize it because People will say, well, you're in a relationship, your husband can't rape you, your partner can't rape you, and yes, they can, and it is not okay. And anytime you say no, if you don't want to, then you shouldn't have to and you shouldn't be forced to feel like you have to.
[00:41:36] Bree: This is something I haven't shared with hardly anybody.
[00:41:39] Megan: My first husband did that.
So sorry. I'm so sorry. Nobody should ever have to go through that.
[00:41:46] Bree: When you say no because it's painful or just because you don't want to and they continue to do it anyway, it's not okay. It's never okay.
And it's not your fault.
[00:41:58] Megan: It is not your fault. Ladies. You know when. When someone you're talking to doesn't want to do something, and you know when they do, there's a very clear emotional, physical response there, there.
If there's a question mark, you can't tell that it's a no. And like the worst, it got my back went out late in the relationship. It was towards the end and to the point I like roll off.
Like, I couldn't get up. I had to like roll off the couch onto my hands and knees and then try and use something to.
To get up from that. And I had still driven down to Birmingham and he came home from work and I couldn't move and I was in pain and I like, I physically.
The whole car ride was in pain.
And I remember that argument because I was physically incapacitated. And we had an argument about it where he had a hard day, he had a stressful day and went into his routine of being angry and frustrated and it not getting better until he got his fix. At that point, I was in so much pain. I was like, if you really need something else, go like go hire someone. I can't right now. I can't.
Was in so much pain. I could not physically provide him what he needed to the point where I as a person had to make the suggestion that he cheat on me, that he go find someone.
And mind you, this was after the fact that he had given me an std. You know, I was just so at my wits end with it. I had to tell him I cannot. And the end of that argument still ended up with him getting what he wanted.
[00:44:01] Lauren: I'm so sorry that he, like still did that to you. I just like a monster. A monster does that.
That is a monster. Not a human. That is a straight up monster. If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic violence, which includes sexual assault and rape. You can reach out to the National Domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799, or if you're local here to North Alabama. You can reach out to 256-716-1000. You are not alone, and there is help out there.
[00:44:50] Megan: Sam.
