Episode Transcript
[00:00:16] Bree: Welcome back to Spill the Tea HSV with Lauren and Bree.
[00:00:20] Lauren: This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances or contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
Hey, Bree.
[00:00:51] Bree: Hey, Lauren.
[00:00:52] Lauren: How was your week?
[00:00:54] Bree: So, my week. Let's see here. You know, some reason I have been attracting all of like the grandpas. Yeah, you're really a good grandpa, but when you're 30 years older than me. No, it's just a no go.
[00:01:04] Lauren: Unless you're like super rich. Nah, I still get, I mean, good for you because I'm getting to the point after Dick left me, like, completely poor. If a sugar daddy hears this, Lauren's looking, let her know. Let a girl know.
[00:01:16] Bree: So this week we have someone. He's almost 60, in his 60s, and his bio states that he is normal in all capital letters. Then it goes on to say that he has a terrific sense of humor and he's without a doubt the best dad. Also in all capital letters. No drama, just a fun time. And that he was a former bachelor on Oprah.
[00:01:36] Lauren: That's a lot to unpack.
[00:01:37] Bree: Why are you on Oprah and you can't find a woman?
[00:01:40] Lauren: Why are you having to tell people that you're honest or normal? Why are you having to tell people you're normal in all caps that you're not normal?
[00:01:48] Bree: Was that not a sign of narcissistic traits?
[00:01:51] Lauren: Yeah, also last episodes it was when.
[00:01:53] Bree: You'Re calling yourself normal and that you're the best dad.
[00:01:56] Lauren: Yeah, the dad thing always gets me. Considering Dick says he's a proud parent, but he never, he doesn't even claim half the children that he's had and then he doesn't really spend time with the other ones. So you know these guys. If you're having to put that in there, I don't believe you.
[00:02:10] Bree: I don't either. Not whatsoever. You're probably not funny. You're probably a horrible father and you're definitely not normal.
[00:02:15] Lauren: Yeah. So we're just going to go with horrible human next.
[00:02:19] Bree: What about yours?
[00:02:20] Lauren: Well, so I had this guy, he liked me and I was like, you know what, we'll just match and see what this conversation. Because I've given up on matching for the most part because these guys, like, are Awful. But I was like, we'll match and see what happens. It's one of those he had on his profile. I want somebody who can actually talk. So I was like, you know what, we'll see. Because after, you know, last week and stuff, I want to test that because all these guys have that. I want a girl that can talk, but they never talk. So I'm like, you know what? I'm going to prove it. Going to prove it. And that's exactly what happened. Immediately. Like it takes him like two days to respond. And then when he does respond, I ask him a question, a follow up question so the conversation can continue going. He responds, no follow up question because they don't care to get to know us at all.
[00:03:02] Bree: Nope. I had one that I was like, hey, how are you? He said, I'm good. Three days went by. Hey, how are you? Yeah, you're fixing to be blocked, right? This is not how this works.
[00:03:12] Lauren: Right. I have one guy that was like, well, I love Harry Potter and like, I'm a dork too. And I'm an, I'm an older millennial. I also love Harry Potter. So I asked him what his house is and he just was like, Gryffindor. And I was like, cool, me too. I see you like sports. And asked him like a follow up question. Nothing, nothing. And I'm like, also just. You didn't even bother. Most people would say, gryffindor, how about you?
[00:03:33] Laura: Right.
[00:03:33] Lauren: But there was no even follow up. So I even voluntarily continued the conversation. So these guys just don't.
[00:03:40] Bree: There's no effort.
[00:03:40] Lauren: There's no effort. They don't. And then they get mad at us and say that we ghost them or we don't actually try. I'm like, no, there's a reason we don't. But look at the conversations. We'll look at the conversations. Like actually continue the conversation. You can't just answer our questions and then not ask anything about us.
[00:03:56] Bree: Yeah, that's not how it works. It's not in my book. It's not.
[00:03:59] Lauren: Well, it shouldn't be in anybody's book because that's ridiculous. Like if we're actually trying and asking a question and then you don't respond with a follow up, then we're not going to continue to talk to you.
[00:04:07] Laura: Nope.
[00:04:07] Bree: Get the X or blocked.
[00:04:09] Lauren: Absolutely. Well, we have a another exciting interview today. We have Laura and she is going to tell us a little bit about her story.
[00:04:18] Laura: Hey, thank you for having me on. I'm excited. So my story begins in October of what year is this? 25. So 23 matched with this guy on Facebook dating. He lived in Scottsboro at the time and I lived in Birmingham. So a little bit, little bit of distance there, but Birmingham is a little big town as I like to call it. And there's just not a huge dating scene there. At least in my experience. Some people do fairly well. Not for me. So we had chatted online and had several phone calls for. For a couple weeks before we decided to meet. And we set up our first date, which was top golf. And we both got there half an hour early, which I thought was a really good sign. Like we were excited to meet each other. The conversation had gone really well. It. He's super easy to talk to and started out on a great foot because he brought me flowers, but he also brought my dog treats. So I just had one dog and he brought treats.
[00:05:24] Bree: He brought treats for your dog?
[00:05:26] Laura: Yes. So.
[00:05:27] Bree: Oh, that would have had me.
[00:05:28] Laura: Right.
[00:05:29] Lauren: Well that and for me showing up early, like Cuz I'm always early, but. And then you're also early and flowers and dog treats, like yeah, this starts off very well.
[00:05:37] Laura: Great. Now I'm a puddle on the floor because this is amazing. No one's ever done this. Usually they're like, sorry, I'm 10 minutes late. Okay. But no. So started off amazing. We had a great first date. That was when I found out. Which he was very transparent about that. He is a recovering alcoholic, but he was always, it's fine if you drink, I don't have a problem with it. So I had a mimosa or two. And then there's honestly not a ton to do in Birmingham except for breweries, so. So we went to a brewery, I had a beer, we just talked and then we went and had dinner and it was just great. Very easy vibe, good conversation.
And we kissed good night. And I was just like, oh my God, I have to see this guy again. And he texted me when he got home, like said the same thing. That was such a great date, we have to do it again.
And since then it was just, just, you know, going on dates, getting closer and closer. He had a goofy schedule. Sometimes he would work days, sometimes he would work nights. So kind of figuring that out. But he would always come down because at the time he was living with his aunt who he calls Madre. She had a really big role in raising him, so he was living with her. Cuz he had moved here from California. So. Fine, whatever. Can't all afford to buy our own home. Fine. So he would always come to me. So after, let's see, after the holidays, we just started talking more and more about like, does it make sense for him to move to Birmingham? Should he start looking for jobs? And I was like, yeah, I, I was all for it. I asked my friends, like, how long did you guys wait until your now husbands moved in with you? And some of them have husbands who have kids, so they had to wait longer. One of my good friends said her now husband moved in after a couple weeks. So is there really a norm for that, especially when you're pushing 40?
[00:07:35] Lauren: No. Yeah, because mine, I mean, Dick, moved in within a couple weeks. But what I didn't know is he had nowhere to live.
[00:07:41] Laura: Exactly.
[00:07:41] Lauren: And when they have nowhere to live, no one falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live 100 per cent. That quote is the most real quote ever.
[00:07:51] Laura: It is stuck in my brain till the end of time. And it is true, figuring I'm almost 40, this man, like we'd already said we love each other. This, this feels like it. So he went ahead and I told him he couldn't move in until he found a job down there. So he did moved in.
You know, it was challenging. You're, you're both older and you're kind of set in some ways, so trying to figure that out.
And I've, I lived with someone in my early, early twenties when I didn't know anything and figured, great, I'm older now, I can do this. But I'm also very independent because I've been on my own for so long. So I rely a lot on my friends, my chosen family, because none of my family lives near me. And I'm just in general a very independent person. I knew I would have to give some of that up, but that was a struggle for me. Own my part in that. But shortly after we moved in together, I was going on a one night trip with my best friend for his birthday. Yes, he's a man, but he's also a gay man. So nothing going on there that makes a difference. It makes all the difference.
[00:09:04] Lauren: We love, we love a gay man that's a bestie. I keep asking mine if he wants to be in a lavender marriage, right? Because I'm like, this is where we're going. Like, this is what we're getting to.
[00:09:13] Laura: That might be the future. So we were going to Atlanta for one night to see his family, who I've met before, to celebrate his 50th birthday. Going to be one night that Was apparently the trigger for the first time that we'll call him Eba X.
He's very obsessed with that Tech 9 song. Evil Brain, angel heart. He likes to call himself Eba.
[00:09:36] Bree: So we kind of goes hand in hand.
[00:09:38] Laura: Yes, yes, it does. But that one night away was really the first trigger that sent him falling off the wagon after two and a half years of soBreeety.
[00:09:47] Bree: Had he ever been in a long term relationship before or anything that serious?
[00:09:51] Laura: He had been married four times already.
[00:09:53] Bree: Well, I can't say much.
[00:09:54] Laura: Yes, four times.
And the stories he told me of those, those four marriages in the beginning changed by the time we stopped communicating the real story. You know, honestly, I don't even know what the real stories are at this point.
[00:10:10] Lauren: Well, yeah, because they always, like, hide what the real story was. And then when you actually, like, for me, got to actually talk to them and learned the whole thing, I was like, okay, like, no wonder you hated me because you thought I stole your man when I didn't even know you existed. And he told me that you guys. He had been single for, you know, almost two years, but turns out that wasn't true. And he'd only actually been single like a month.
[00:10:34] Bree: At least he gave it that long.
[00:10:36] Laura: So the things he told me in the beginning about his marriages were not true. The one thing that is probably true about them is just being riddled with alcoholism and going to rehab and detox multiple times. So when I got back from that trip, I didn't even realize that he was drinking because alcoholics, they do tend to be good at hiding it. But he didn't hide it super well. That first time. I found it pretty quickly. Found an empty bottle of vodka in our guest room. And he was super apologetic, very reassuring that this wasn't my fault. It was his choice to pick up the bottle. Like, yes, he was upset by that, but it was ultimately his choice. So I'm devastated. We agree that I will take him to the VA hospital. He is a veteran. He does have some PTSD issues as well. I take him to the VA hospital, he's there for about three days to detox and comes back. I've never, at least I don't think I've ever known someone who's been a true alcoholic. I've never seen someone come out of detox. It's bad. He was. He was moving around like an old man. So weak, so pale. He's in extremely good shape. And just in the time that he was drinking for that, he lost a lot of muscle mass, just no energy. It's pretty bad. Luckily his job was pretty flexible and forgiving that he was able to keep that job. And we just slowly started to get back to normal. So that was in like late February. So then mid March rolls around and we decide to get a dog. So we go adopt this dog and we love her. So really she was the dog we got for my dog because God, he's so needy. So now he has a friend. But yeah, we got her. So fun. Loved watching them like grow up and play, but you know, kind of I didn't realize at the time. Another red flag is he's complaining that the dogs like me more than him. Like, well, I get up every morning and I feed them and every night I feed them. And I am less the disciplinarian than he was. Which, you know, could I have been better putting some ground rules on these animals? Yes, but they're just too cute.
[00:12:44] Lauren: That's interesting saying that. I didn't even think about that being a red flag because at the end Dick was complaining about that too with my two babies, cuz I have two cats and he was complaining about that, that they love me more and they were spending more time with me and they weren't laying on him. And now I'm kind of like, did they sense it?
[00:13:00] Laura: I, I think that's a possibility, yeah.
[00:13:02] Bree: That's how our two dogs were with my second ex husband. They would always be with me. They would lay on me like because I did everything for them.
[00:13:10] Laura: Yep. Yeah. I mean he, he really thought that if we get a female dog, that dog will gravitate towards him more because I have the male dog and it just didn't work that way because I was the caregiver for the dog.
[00:13:23] Bree: And they feed off of people's energy. They know who's a piece of and who's not.
[00:13:26] Laura: So it just happened that the dogs like me more. Plus my background is in the animal field. So I'm just like these, this is what I do. This is my area of expertise.
So that was kind of a red flag. But I was like, you just need to put more effort into caring for them. Like you can't just yell at them when they're doing something wrong and expect them to like, want to hang out with you.
[00:13:46] Bree: Just a quick question. Did he have like a sense of like, I guess I would call it like masculine authority over these animals. They have to do exactly what he says or else he would like pitch a fit?
[00:13:58] Laura: Not really. I think so.
[00:14:01] Bree: It wasn't like abusive towards him or anything like that.
[00:14:03] Laura: Okay. And, you know, like I said, my background is in the animal field. I have trained multiple domestic and non domestic animals in my career. Fully know how to train these animals. And I could have done that a lot better. But, like, it wasn't my paid job to do that with them. So, like, I just want to love they're your babies.
[00:14:25] Bree: Yeah.
[00:14:25] Laura: But he had different expectations, so we just really weren't on the same page with that. Fine. It. It is what it is. But, yeah, like, there wasn't any effort there and. But the expectation for the attention was there, and he did not get that like I did. So moving on from that, like I said, my. My good friend who turned 50 that year, that was the same year that I turned 40. So we're like decade buddies. And we had had this cruise planned to Greece was amazing. We had had this plan for a year prior. I didn't even know Eva when we booked and paid for this thing. But, you know, naturally he's upset at, why can't he go? Why didn't I even invite him? I was like, well, because you're not invited. Like, it's me and my friend and his sister and his college friend, who's also a female. Three women and this gay man are. We're going on a cruise. I didn't know you when we did this, and you can't afford it anyway. Like, sorry, but you can't.
[00:15:26] Lauren: He probably wanted you to pay for it.
[00:15:27] Laura: Probably.
[00:15:27] Bree: But so was his trigger because you had the guy friend, or was it because you would be gone without him?
[00:15:35] Laura: His ultimate trigger is that I had anyone else in my life. And this becomes more and more apparent.
[00:15:42] Lauren: Major red bug.
[00:15:43] Laura: Yes.
[00:15:44] Bree: Narcissism at its finest for sure.
[00:15:46] Laura: So he definitely did not handle me being gone. I believe he stayed sober for it.
I believe that. But the entire time I was gone, he was texting my buddy, who I was with, about wanting to propose to me. Naturally, my buddy is asking me, like, what do you want? What do you. I was like, I. I don't want to talk about it. I just want it to happen. I don't want it planned. I don't want a video with my whole family. Like, just. Just do it when it feels right.
So he tells EBA this, and EBA takes that to mean that I. Like, I don't want it, that I don't care about it, which makes him even more insecure. But two days after I got back, he did end up proposing just at home in our pajamas, which was perfect. Right. That's fine. Like, it doesn't need to be a production. This is just about us. So we did it. I said yes. We had a great weekend, told our families and started talking about, like, what we want for wedding. So we start planning that. We get a venue booked, we get save the Date sent out. And this is in, I think, like, late July, that he falls off the wagon again. I don't. I. I think I know what the trigger was. I think we were supposed to. We had, like, tentative plans to get dinner, but then I was like, hey, I think I'm going to go. If we don't have these plans, I'm going to go meet someone else for dinner. My same friend. And when I got home, he was. Was gone. He said he just went to a hotel. He was at a hotel for three days. Who knows? Who knows? But he came back and he was definitely off the wagon. He told me that he is on a leave of absence from his job.
And I said, for how long? And he's like, however long I want. It's not how leaves of absences work.
[00:17:34] Bree: But somebody got fired.
[00:17:35] Laura: Turns out somebody just abandoned their job. Just stopped going.
So.
[00:17:40] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:17:40] Bree: Did he put in a notice?
[00:17:41] Laura: No, he just left. Just stopped. Oh, that got it. Just stopped. Because what he does when he drinks is he's like, almost incapable of doing anything except laying in bed with a handle of vodka next to it. He doesn't get up. He doesn't do anything. He might get up and shower. Definitely not helping. Take care of the dogs. Barely talking to me. Like, door closed. Just lays in bed, watches movies or listens to music.
[00:18:07] Bree: So it's not like he goes out and parties. He pretty much does it to numb everything. Yes.
[00:18:11] Laura: Okay. And he has admitted that. That it is. It's a numbing agent. And I can't even fully blame him for his alcohol abuse because it does run in his family. So he is predisposed to that.
[00:18:23] Lauren: Yeah. I mean, addiction is a real thing, like a legitimate thing. I have one of my very best friends. She is a recovering alcoholic. Her and her husband, and they've been sober for many of years now. And they're both very successful people. But they will always say that they are recovering.
[00:18:38] Laura: Yeah. And they will always be recovering. There is always that chance that they will choose to stop recovering and fall off the wagon. So he fell good and hard that time. I think the truer self really started to come out because we got in really, really loud, long fights. I mean, his sister gave me the best advice and I didn't follow it. She said, just leave him alone. Leave him alone until he's ready to come out of it. But when you see someone you love just slowly killing themselves, basically, like, I wasn't capable of that. It's definitely one of those situations where you feel like I can. I want to love them enough to make them okay.
[00:19:18] Bree: Yeah, you want to love it out of them enough for them to make them think that I need to change. But they're not going to change until they're ready to, unfortunately.
[00:19:26] Laura: And I mean, there was, There was one day. I'm just like. Cuz he had moved into the guest room by that time. I'm just sitting on the edge of the bed, just sobbing and shaking and like screaming at him that he's here. But I feel so lonely and so alone in our house and that I had already like canceled the venue for the wedding and told everybody, like, disregard the save the dates. Because I'm like, we're supposed to do this in April, but you're like, this, this. We're taking that off the table.
[00:19:58] Lauren: The being lonely in your own house, like, it's the worst feeling when there is someone there, but you feel completely alone. It's awful. It's worse than actually being alone 100% because you're just like, why? All the thoughts, intrusive thoughts come in, like, am I not good enough? Why don't they love me? Like, what is it?
[00:20:16] Laura: Yeah, I mean, I would even like crawl into the bed next to him just to like lay with him. And he would just be like playing on his phone and pause for a drink. I'm sitting there crying, wishing he could find it within himself to sit up and like, put an arm around me. The only thing he could do with his arm, grab a drink. So it was pretty dark when we would talk, like at night. He started doing this thing and I picked up on it pretty quickly, but he would start being like, well, let's get you to bed. You've got to work. You've got to work in the morning. Let's get you to bed. So like, yeah, like, it's time for.
[00:20:51] Bree: Like, he's your dad. Like, let's get you to bed. Like he's your caretaker almost.
[00:20:55] Laura: Yes. And I think it was like, I'm tired of talking to you. And it's about 9 o' clock, which is when you pretty much go to bed anyway. So like, let's get you to bed so that I can just be alone now and do what I need to do, like drink or order food or whatever it was he was doing while I was sleeping.
[00:21:12] Bree: Did that trigger you? Because it would trigger the shit out of me.
[00:21:15] Laura: Like, the first couple times I was like, yeah, it is my bedtime.
[00:21:18] Lauren: I mean, fair. I also have a bedtime.
[00:21:21] Laura: Yes, it is 9 o' clock. And that's when I go to bed. And you want to be sweet. Sweet. And tuck me in. Cool. But it started to become apparent that that's. He figured out that will work and he can kind of get rid of me.
[00:21:33] Lauren: Yeah. And do his own. Whatever he's doing. Was there cheating along the way?
[00:21:38] Laura: I started to get suspicious because he started to attend. I don't even want to call them. AA meetings. He said that he found these meetings at.
My God, what's it called? It's not like a VA hall, but it's like a support group kind of. And it's. It's at a place for veterans. But he said that they don't have to be sober to attend them. So he would pack this, like, giant bag with his open bottle of alcohol in it and some snacks and his laptop and go to this meeting where he said, they know I'm not sober. They just make me put it up for the hour. And he would go and his meeting would be at like, 6, but dude would not come back until like, 11:30.
[00:22:26] Bree: That's a boyb in somebody's backyard.
[00:22:28] Laura: Yes. No. I talked to his madre about it and she was like, that sounds like he found a drinking buddy.
[00:22:32] Lauren: 100. Like, nobody's like, yeah, we're here to talk about soBreeety. Breeng your alcohol, Breeng your vodka with you.
[00:22:39] Laura: I was always a little suspicious about that. I don't think he was seeing someone else at that time. I don't think it was like a woman thing. If anything, I could see. See him just going and sitting in his car somewhere.
[00:22:52] Lauren: So you never, like. He never got caught, like, actually cheating or anything? It was just like he was cheating with alcohol.
[00:22:58] Laura: Yes, 100%.
But, you know, a lot of the fights that we would be having is because I just reached a point where I was like, well, I gotta live my life. If you're gonna lay there, then lay there. Let me know when you're ready to get some help. But I can't just, like, get up, check on you, make sure you're still alive, go to work, worry about you, come home, make sure you're still alive, and then sit in the house and hear you watching a movie or listening to music and know that you're in there. Just in a horrific state. Like, can't keep doing it. I need. I need other people.
So I just started telling them, like, hey, you know, all right, I'm going to go to work, but then afterwards, I'm going to go meet my friend for dinner and I'll be home after on the weekends. I was like, hey, I'm going to go meet so and so we're going to go to lunch. We're going to go do this. I'll text you. I'll be home around this time.
Well, after a few times of that, you know, we get in this huge fight about how it should be, him and I against the world, and, like, he should be number one. And, you know, part of me is like, okay, you know, I've. I want to spend my life with this person. Like, maybe he's right. Like, I do need to give some of this up. And, like, he's really suffering. What if there comes a point in my life if I, like, get a terrible disease and I need him to support me? So is this the for better or worse that I'm signing up for? So I'm, like, detaching from people to support this human who lives in my house.
[00:24:25] Lauren: And so he was finding ways to isolate you.
[00:24:27] Laura: Yes, slowly but surely. And, you know, the comments about, like, I mean, I'm sure your mom hates me. I don't know. I think she just. She probably does now. Like, she probably just, like, pities you because she knows where you're going through, through. And I'm sure your friends hate me. Oh. I mean, they're only hearing what I tell them, and it's not great.
So, like, get up and hang out with us and, you know, show them.
[00:24:53] Lauren: Show them different.
[00:24:54] Laura: Yeah. Couldn't do was. It's just a lot of, like, that and a lot of absolutisms which are like, you never do this, you always do that. He would throw those at me, and I can recognize those anytime. I'm like, really? Always. I always do this.
I never text you. What about at 10:28 this morning? Never. I would call him out on that all the time. But I think. I think the biggest challenge for him was that he could never really completely clip my wings. I was always going to reach out to a friend. My mom and I talk, if not every day, every other day. Like, that was just never going to change, and I don't think he could handle that.
[00:25:41] Lauren: Well, I give you credit for doing that because, you know, sometimes a lot of people do completely, you know, shut away and, like, I was the same as you. Like, I feel like we're very similar in a lot of ways. Also very independent and I talk to my mom every day and so I was. That was. He never tried to isolate me in that way, but instead of alcohol, it was women for him. So come to find out, he actually liked me being gone and liked me being away because then he could do stuff, so. But it sounded like he wanted you to not have anybody so that you would just stay home with him and be there for him in his drunken states and all that.
[00:26:14] Laura: You know, they say misery loves company and.
[00:26:16] Bree: Absolutely.
[00:26:17] Laura: You know, even if he didn't want me in the room, he just wanted me at home.
[00:26:21] Bree: And you available?
[00:26:22] Laura: Yes, and available.
And, you know, since. Since we've ended for real this time, I've done a lot of research on narcissists and stuff like that and not having any kind of psychological degree, just my Google savviness, I truly believe he could be classified as a vulnerable narcissist. Knowing what I know about his childhood, his upBreenging, his predisposition to alcohol, it does not surprise me that he has massive insecurities.
[00:26:54] Lauren: Yeah, I was going to say tell everybody what that is.
[00:26:56] Laura: Yes, it is what Google says. It's a subtype. It's characterized by deep insecurity, a fragile sense of self, and a heightened sensitivity to criticism, often manifesting as passive aggressive behaviors and a need for attention and validation. I mean, manipulation and control, envy and jealousy, emotional instability, social withdrawal, victim mentality, fear of abandonment, covert antagonism and aggression. I mean, I keep looking back like, yes, yes to all of that.
[00:27:31] Bree: That's exactly how my second ex husband was. And he was also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. So that makes perfect sense.
[00:27:38] Laura: Yeah. And seeing my therapist, she also specializes in addiction. She's like, it is not uncommon for these things to go hand in hand. It's. It's probably more often than not.
[00:27:49] Lauren: Was he ever in therapy other than like rehab?
[00:27:53] Laura: Yeah.
[00:27:53] Lauren: Okay.
[00:27:54] Laura: So many, so many times.
[00:27:55] Lauren: At least he actually tried to go to therapy because most men won't even try.
[00:27:58] Laura: Yeah, well, he tried with me once and then after that he didn't want to go back anymore. He said he felt ganged up on. And I mean, I could kind of see it in that session, but I'm like, give it one more. Maybe it'll be my turn. Like, we can explore what's wrong with me and then explore how we can be messed up humans together. But we didn't get that far, really. How it ended was my work Got out early and I text him like, hey babe, I'm coming home early. And by the time I got home, he was gone. All he took with him was his laptop and a hamper of clothes. And I did not hear from him for days and days. He blocked me, wouldn't return my text, couldn't call him, nothing. He's not like a social media person, so he doesn't really get on there except he is on Facebook dating ladies. So warning. So he has a Facebook. Yes, he does have a Facebook. I had to find out from his madre that he had left my house and went directly to the girl's house who he was dating before me because he knew not only could he drink there, but she would provide it for him. She has children and you know, I. I don't know what, I don't know her at all, but I don't know who invites this person into their home and the state they're in with kids there.
[00:29:18] Lauren: Questionable decisions. But also like the fact that he was able to easily run back to her. Do you think he was in communication with her?
[00:29:24] Laura: I think those times when he was like, let's get you to bed is probably when he would go and start up that communication. I mean, he had to have been talking to her to feel comfortable enough to go show up there.
[00:29:37] Lauren: So I mean, to me then he was in a way having like an emotional affair. Yeah, like he was cheating on you with. With her emotionally at. At the very minimum.
[00:29:45] Laura: Yes, yes. So luckily when I found that out, my mom had already come down cuz she knew that I was having a rough time. I found that out and I just, I lost it, you know, I was so upset and so angry. Not gonna lie, I broke a lot of his stuff.
[00:30:04] Bree: As you should.
[00:30:05] Laura: That right.
[00:30:05] Lauren: Should have left it there.
[00:30:06] Laura: Yep. Took that right out into the driveway, smashed it. Stuff that he, I mean, really, really cared about. I was like, too bad. I don't care about it. And clearly you don't care about me, so whatever. It got to the point where I had to have a lawyer mail him a document or email. I can't remember either way. Communicate to him. You have three days. These three days where you can pick up your stuff. I was going to be out of town, my parents were. Would be there. He's like, you can come pick up your stuff. If you don't, you will have no more claim to it. He did not come. He was texting me really ugly things. Please respect my property if you ever cared about me, blah, blah, blah. Like like, if you ever cared about.
[00:30:49] Bree: Me, please respect you.
[00:30:50] Laura: Yeah. Like, I'm not a storage facility. Come get your stuff. But he, like, physically couldn't because he's so consumed by the alcoholism and at her house, wherever she lives.
[00:31:00] Lauren: Well, that's not your problem.
[00:31:01] Laura: It wasn't. So to this day, I'm still trying to sell some of his stuff.
[00:31:06] Bree: What do you have?
[00:31:07] Laura: Enter. Basically have a whole home gym now.
[00:31:09] Lauren: I might be interested in that.
[00:31:11] Laura: I'll send you pics. Basically have a whole home gym.
And, I mean, this poor guy, he's, as far as I know, still living in a halfway house because he's out of rehab now, but he's still paying for my engagement ring. He's still paying for some pots and pans that we bought for, you know, like, a wedding present. He's still got bills. I don't. I don't know what his plan is for the future, but I feel like.
[00:31:38] Lauren: If you're living in a halfway house, you should probably not be on.
[00:31:40] Laura: Probably not dating.
[00:31:42] Bree: No.
[00:31:42] Lauren: Like, maybe focus on ladies.
[00:31:45] Laura: He can't take you out.
[00:31:46] Bree: Well, you know, I had the one from prison that was on mine.
[00:31:49] Laura: I've had two from prison. Yeah. My whole experience on dating, you can tell from, like, the white concrete wall.
[00:31:56] Bree: He put on his bio that he had 11 months left in Maryland. And it's like, how did you find me, buddy? Like, no.
[00:32:03] Laura: So it's. It's been tough. You know, our whole relationship was really about 10 months, but it's taken basically, like, a year and a half to get to this point. And, you know, the real kicker is my friendships were damaged. Not irreparably, but. But I still feel like I'm having to build some of that back. No matter what he said about it not being my fault, I will always feel like some of that is my fault. If, you know, it was one night. Did I have to go to that birthday party?
[00:32:35] Bree: You know, it's because he's manipulated you into thinking that it's your fault.
[00:32:38] Laura: And, like, the logical part of my brain knows that.
[00:32:41] Bree: Right.
[00:32:41] Laura: But the emotional side was like, could I have done anything different?
[00:32:45] Lauren: Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's one of the hardest things, I think, is having to do your logical versus your emotional and trying to compare the two, because you can't help but think, like, if I would have just done this one thing different, if I would have said this one thing, had I. You know, whatever it was, maybe they would still be there. But at the end of the day, I. I truly believe that it still would have ended in the same way.
[00:33:07] Laura: Probably the.
The real blessing is we did not get married.
[00:33:12] Lauren: Right.
[00:33:12] Laura: Because then I would have been more stuck in that relationship and more entwined in each other's lives and much harder to get out of.
[00:33:21] Bree: Right.
[00:33:21] Laura: You know, at least that didn't happen. But it's. It's. It's not even the person that's hard to get over. It's the. It's the manipulation. God.
[00:33:30] Lauren: Yes.
[00:33:30] Laura: So at this point, I don't even know what he said to me was true or not. I have no idea.
[00:33:35] Lauren: That's. It is the worst. You're like, who was I dating?
[00:33:38] Laura: Dating? Yeah.
[00:33:38] Lauren: Who was I married to? Like, for me, I'm like, what? Like, I'm almost embarrassed.
[00:33:42] Laura: Yeah.
[00:33:43] Lauren: Like, that's kind of where I've gotten. Is. It's, like, embarrassing that I married somebody who. I had no idea who he truly was. How do you, like, you have to reconcile that within yourself too.
[00:33:53] Laura: Yeah. Because from our first date to the last time I talked to him, which was like, two weeks ago, it's like, two different people.
[00:34:01] Lauren: Well, yeah. He brought your dog treats and flowers and was early, like, what that person compared to the. What it. What happened?
[00:34:09] Laura: It was two different people. And two weeks ago, when we were Breeefly talking, it's like, I had one thought for one second that I was like, do I like this person?
I was like, wait, no, you wanted to live your life with this person? Like, this is just part of him working through it. But, like, do I.
[00:34:28] Bree: You can love them, but not like them. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:34:31] Laura: And going back to the dog. I love my babies. I will never give them up. And, like, someone in his situation, it's not time for you to, like, care for another living being anyway. But I found out through his family, he gets a dog with everybody. When he left my house and went to her house, in his addiction, he convinced this woman to get a dog.
[00:34:51] Lauren: It's weird.
[00:34:52] Bree: I kind of wish all three of mom would have convinced me to get another dog. I really do.
[00:34:57] Laura: I really do.
[00:34:58] Lauren: That's. That's a weird.
[00:34:59] Laura: It's just wild. And I asked him. I was like, like, why do you think you leave a trail of dogs wherever you go? Like, I. I really think it's because the dog will love you, like, no matter what.
[00:35:11] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:35:12] Laura: Dog will love you sort of. But you just leave them.
[00:35:15] Lauren: Yeah. Then you leave them behind. Did he. So he didn't try to take your dog?
[00:35:18] Laura: Oh, no. That's the one thing I would have, like, fought him tooth and Nail over. You can't even care for this animal. You're not. But he did have the nerve to tell me. He's like, I would, I wouldn't have done that to you. But what you did do to me is leave me with basically a $50,000 investment because that's about how much it costs to maintain a dog for its whole life. Like, you did do that. Yeah.
[00:35:41] Bree: So that's how my second ex husband was. I would never do anything to take her from you. And then he threatened to take her from me, which obviously did not work out for him. But yeah, I get it.
[00:35:51] Lauren: Yeah. Mine's living in a camper and he wanted me to split up my, my babies and he wanted to take one of them. And I'm like, what are you gonna do with a cat in a camper? Like, you're gonna let it out? Like, no, absolutely not.
[00:36:01] Laura: Like, you know the thing, the thing that I remind myself about when I have the intrusive thoughts, usually when I'm like drying my hair or driving, because you can't do anything else during those times is like, cuz a friend of mine told me, he ruined your life. He ruined your life. I was like, no, he didn't. He ruined his life. I still have my house, I still have all my stuff. I, I have two great dogs now. I still have all my relationships. And he has the clothes on his back that he walked out of my house with. Yep.
[00:36:33] Bree: And you now know what you deserve going into another relationship.
[00:36:36] Laura: Yeah. It's scary though. Like I'm, I'm talking to somebody else who I found on Facebook. Dating. We haven't met yet, but like, he seems nice. We'll see.
[00:36:45] Lauren: It's terrifying out there. Like, I'm just like, no.
[00:36:48] Laura: I literally, I have no, no patience for anything. I'm like one Red flag Deuces. It's been a, a crazy experience. But, you know, I, I guess I'm glad that I've only had the one truly horrific dating experience in my 40 years.
[00:37:05] Lauren: So is dating somebody with an addiction out for you now?
[00:37:08] Laura: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I really thought I could manage it. But I mean, there, there's a bunch of guys on, on the dating apps that are like, I don't drink, but I don't care if you do. Okay, that's great. But my first question is, is it because you're in recovery, right? Because if you are, I'm sorry, I can't handle that. My friends and I, we are normal 40 plus adults where we will go to a brewery. We will go to a winery, and I can function the next day and not have another drink again for however long I want, and it's fine. Or I can drink the next day, too, and it's fine. I don't think, Eva, I don't think he can ever understand what that is like, just the way I can never understand what it's like to be an addict. Right. It's just. I don't think that those lifestyles are compatible, at least not for me.
[00:37:55] Lauren: Yeah, yeah, it's definitely. I mean, I think it's part of the reason why my best friend married another addict, because then they both, like, are completely sober. They're sober, House. And I don't. I'm not a huge drinker, but, like, I don't drink around her just out of respect for her. That's just always what I've. How I've been like, she. And she says the same thing, like, you can have it. I'm like, no. Like, I don't need to, because I don't need to.
[00:38:16] Laura: Right.
[00:38:16] Lauren: So I'm just not going to. But I think that, like you said, it's hard for those two different worlds to come together, for sure. But. Well, we thank you for coming on and for sharing your story.
[00:38:27] Laura: It was cathartic.
[00:38:28] Lauren: Good, good. That's what we're here for.
[00:38:30] Laura: I mean, if it helps anybody, that's. Then mission accomplished.
[00:38:34] Bree: I think it will.
[00:38:35] Laura: Even if it just makes people not feel alone, which, you know, I was listening to Yalls podcast coming up here, and I was just like, God, other people have been through this stuff, too.
[00:38:44] Bree: That's our purpose, you know, to let other women know that they're not the only ones who have gone through this. Because when you do go through it, it feels very isolating, like nobody else has been through it when they have.
[00:38:53] Laura: Well, thank you both for creating this.
[00:38:55] Lauren: Thank you for coming. And, well, Bree, we will see you next week.
[00:38:59] Bree: See you next week.
