Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Megan: Foreign welcome back to Spill the Tea.
[00:00:16] Lauren: HSC with Lauren and Bri.
This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances or contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone. This is part two of Megan's story. Coercion is not consent. And this is a reminder for the trigger warnings for these episodes. This there will be talk about sexual assault, rape and abuse of all different kinds. So please acknowledge your trigger warnings and think about your mental health before you listen to this episode.
[00:01:10] Megan: So just kind of reiterate. We're, you know, that we were talking about how, you know, people know.
People know when you want something and when you don't. And there's a very clear distinction. And if that person has no, no idea or has no capability to sense when you are in pain, when you are not completely gung ho, that's a no, that's a red flag. You need to have a person who has enough empathy to.
When there is a moment of hesitation, if there is not an immediate, like, let's get into this, then they ask a question, they ask why.
They immediately are like, this is not something I want to go forward with because there's hesitation. Hesitation. Right.
And especially the exact opposite reaction to push forward and not, not care. I mean, that did lend me with, you know, enough physical damage to put me in a hospital at one point.
And that's extreme. You know, when you're in that much pain that you know something happens and you have to go to the hospital for it.
[00:02:29] Lauren: Yeah. If you're, if you are being forced and sexually abused at all, that's awful and should never happen. But if you're being for doing, like being forced to do those things to the point that you're in a hospital, like, that's a whole nother level of ins, like, so evil.
[00:02:46] Megan: And it's just, you shouldn't be in pain. You shouldn't be hiding your body.
You shouldn't be hiding at all. You know, relationships and especially in a physical manner are meant to be safe. It's a very intimate and vulnerable thing. And they are meant to be safe. And it's not meant to be painful. And anything other than, like, if you ever feel scared, in pain, not feeling it, like, it's, it's not safe. There's something else going on there. Like there's, there's a reservation that's, that's something to watch out for and to pay attention to. You know, And I think a lot.
[00:03:32] Bree: Of us struggle with, well, you know, like this is the person that I'm with and I trust them. Like, I trust that they will back off if I need them to. And so when they don't, it makes you question everything.
[00:03:45] Megan: Absolutely everything.
So.
[00:03:47] Bree: And I think that's something that people really need to focus on is it just. You may feel like you can, can completely trust someone, but until they show themselves in that manner, like you said, where they lack empathy, because a lot of people lack empathy, that is a massive red flag.
[00:04:08] Megan: Yeah. Trust. Trust, I had to learn the hard way through this relationship is not something that anyone should start out with.
You know, trust is earned. Yeah. And I mean, that's how you determine if someone is a match for you, is you give them pieces of yourself a little at a time. You give that trust a little at a time. And it's not like you're withholding to detriment them. It's.
It's protecting yourself and ensuring that both parties are, are being protected. You know, if, if I'm gonna especially, you know, I've had to talk to people about this traumatic relationship. If I'm gonna give that information to them of what happened to me and what the triggers might be, they've gotta build up to that and learn why I am how I am. And like, I don't just, I don't just give that away.
[00:05:05] Lauren: And I think that's a good lesson, like something everybody should learn. And so I think that's great that you're, you're saying that every woman should have that, like going in, like, don't let people work their way up to earning your trust.
[00:05:18] Megan: Take your time.
Take your time. There's a quick gratification in moving fast, you know, and it's especially early in a relationship easy to get swept up and have the rose colored glasses and start looking far into the future at the possibilities and at the good things this person is. But like, sometimes time is the only thing that's going to show a person's true character. Like, I think there's a crazy statistic, and don't quote me on this, I don't have that source. Okay. But it's six months to two years. Someone has the capacity to pretend for, to put on a good mask, a good face.
[00:06:06] Bree: I've actually heard that exact same thing as you don't truly start getting to know someone until about the six month mark. But two years, definitely. That resonates.
[00:06:15] Lauren: Yeah, I would say for me, Dick's mask really started to slip. Three years and like two months in.
[00:06:24] Megan: That's a while. Yeah, that is a while.
[00:06:27] Lauren: The red, all the red flags that led to me finding, catching him on a date started. It's like he got a new job and was like, oh, I don't need her. Because I mean, we all know he used me for money at this point. I don't need her anymore, so I don't have to hide it. And so he started letting his mess slip and like, I just, I can't imagine somebody that can hide for that long. So I know, me personally, like what I'm having to work through in therapy is how am I ever going to trust anybody again, period. But much less like the fact that that statistic exists where people can hide themselves for that long. And I lived that. I can't even imagine being able to, you know, trust somebody again.
[00:07:13] Megan: Well, I mean, kind of goes back a little bit too, to like the, the getting to know someone thing. When I say, take your time. If you set those boundaries and how fast you want to go and stick to those guns, stick to those boundaries, that tells someone how you will be treated.
And if you get someone who they like running around, they've cheated before.
That's not something. The more, the more things you put up, like, hey, I'm not, I'm. Here's my boundary right now. Here's my boundary right now. And you will not cross this. They don't want to put up with that. You know, it weeds people out. Yeah, it really does. Putting those boundaries. I cannot tell you enough how important boundaries are, how important hard conversations are, because boundaries are not an easy conversation, especially early in a relationship.
And if you're sitting there and you're talking to someone you've been talking to and you're like, okay, so I am not doing anything physical for a time that I allot myself and I will let you know when I'm ready. But that won't be anytime soon. And if they are not okay with that boundary, bye, then that is not the person for you. And it's gonna hurt and it's gonna be uncomfortable.
But you don't grow and you don't protect yourself by not having those conversations, by not being uncomfortable, by not having to squirm a little. Like, I mean, it's not easy coming to someone who you like and saying stuff like that and saying, like, this isn't you. This is a boundary I have. And if. I understand if you're not okay with it, you're just not my person. But I would. I would like it if you were, you know, and a safe person will always respect that boundary. Yeah. A few other things to pay attention to. I'm sure a lot of you already know this. Pay attention to how he treats people. Pay attention to what that person does in a room when you're not supposed to be paying attention. I had a friend come to me after that relationship, after I got out of that. And we had been at a party, and I. It was a bunch of people, you know, and me, I'm an extrovert. I talk to groups. I talk to individuals. Like, you know, and we were. It's one big living room, you know, And I was having a conversation with a guy that was there who was a friend of mine who I knew through a local club. And like, it wasn't a deep conversation. It didn't last more than a few minutes and was just very.
How are you doing? Yeah, I haven't seen you in a while. Da da, da, da, da. Because we knew each other. And I walked away from that. And my friend said that while me and that person were having that conversation, with the house crowded, like, at that point. And of course, my ex was literally right there across the room. He was standing there in the corner from what my friend said and was just boring holes into me at that moment and looked like it was written all over his face.
And she told me about this, and she said, I got a bad feeling when I sat there. I looked at what he was so upset over, and I saw you just talking to this other person.
[00:10:45] Lauren: That's scary.
[00:10:47] Megan: It was almost creepy to know after because I was just being me and I'm such a friendly person and introducing my. My ex to everyone. I mean, it's not like I hadn't introduced him to these people.
[00:11:04] Lauren: And so this person didn't tell you till after the. You guys split, though?
[00:11:07] Megan: No, I didn't know about that particular case.
[00:11:10] Lauren: Do you wish they would have?
[00:11:12] Megan: I think that she told me other things that should have been things I listened to during the relationship that particular story came after. But she's one of those people who I really appreciate that will tell me when someone doesn't seem right, you know.
[00:11:29] Lauren: I think that's something we've learned, too, through a lot of our stories that we've heard is listen to your friends.
[00:11:34] Megan: Yeah, exactly.
[00:11:38] Bree: And especially, like, in My case with my second ex husband, there were behaviors that certain people he was around a lot saw that I did not. And it was to the point to where after we had been divorced for several months, they asked if I had ever been physically abused by him based on how he spoke of me.
[00:11:57] Megan: Oh my gosh.
[00:11:58] Bree: When he was around those people, little did they know, if you lay a hand on me, you're not gonna make it out.
But just put that out there.
But it was shocking because I saw one part and they saw something totally different. And it just blows you away with how different they can. Well, it blows you away with how they can manipulate things for. Based on who they're around.
[00:12:21] Megan: Well, and why do you think a narcissist is gonna pull you away from your friends? Exactly. They're uncomfortable in a situation where there are so many eyes on them. You know, it's. It's dangerous, you know, to them to have so many people who are your out, who are your support system and pay attention to that, Pay attention to who your friends are in that relationship, before that relationship, during that relationship and like at the end of that relationship.
Because if you are dwindling down, like it's, it's natural to spend more time with your significant other and to away a little. Don't go to as many events because, I mean, you have your significant other's friends, so you're spending time with their friends as well, you know, but who would you still go to and wish a happy birthday if your ex didn't? Well, if this ex in my case, but like if your significant other showed signs of jealousy towards that person, like if they were upset at you for going on a trip with these particular people and it triggered them, where are your friends? They, like, where are they? How connected to them do you feel?
Do you still feel in this relationship that you would be able to text him on any given day and feel 100% hunky dory, just reaching out and saying, hey, how are you doing? Or are you feeling that tension of would my significant other be upset at me? Would my significant other be ashamed of me or be have any negative feeling of me reaching out to any friend? Like girls, guys, family, pay attention to that because it happens for all of them. It happens for the friends who are like your same gender. It happens for anyone that you know that's outside of your gender. It happens for your family.
You know, any bad situation gets leveraged by that partner, that, that narcissist. You know, if you have a, an argument with sibling you know, they'll use that as you really. That's damaging.
You need to cut that off.
Like, no shame.
My ex did cut off a family member of his because he didn't agree with something they did and treated that family member terribly with like absolute severance, like, I don't know you anymore levels.
[00:14:45] Lauren: I mean, I think it obviously depends on in his situation. It sounds like it wasn't a good one because there are really toxic family members that you do need to cut out.
[00:14:53] Megan: Absolutely. But we're talking, we're talking something on the level of what major you chose in college or what job, something very trivial you decided to do for the rest of your life.
Yeah.
[00:15:09] Lauren: And he was like, I don't agree. I'm done.
[00:15:11] Megan: Yeah. Like this friend that you chose to be a friend with long term. And this is not the absolute example, but it was not something that as a person, you can decide for another person, another sibling, you know.
[00:15:25] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:15:26] Megan: That person. It was just an approval thing. It's like he didn't have this family member, didn't have his approval in the life path that they chose, and therefore they were going to feel the wrath and they were going to get cut off and they're dead. To me, it was very, like a visceral, like, very, very blatant severance. And then like two weight stuff.
[00:15:50] Lauren: Yes.
[00:15:51] Megan: Wait staff pay attention to that. Like tips.
[00:15:54] Lauren: If they don't tip.
[00:15:56] Megan: Yeah. I mean, but even in what they don't want you to see. Even what they don't want you to see, because someone who's.
Some of them are smart, some of them will send you out, like, don't worry, I'll take care of this.
Go wait outside. Pay attention to that. They don't want you around for some. Some reason, it's probably because they're about to make that person's life a living nightmare. And nobody deserves that. No. Like, I don't care how rude someone is to me, as, as waitstaff. They have to deal with some stuff.
They have a hard job. And I don't care if they're having a terrible day. Yeah. Like, if they're rude to me, they probably had something awful happen earlier in their shift. So pay attention to that. And ladies, if he talks revenge about anyone, anyone. If he tells stories, and because he will, they will, they will tell a story to brag about a situation in which they got revenge or they bettered someone who went against them. And if you ever are sitting there and feeling like, gosh, I hope, I hope that's not Me someday that won't be me like that. That can't. That won't happen to me. Pay attention to that thought. You look at that thought right there and you say, this is not a safe person.
Okay? If that narcissist is bragging about something they have done to someone else, some revenge they've gotten, some situation that they've remedied or resolved in a way that you, as an empathetic person, cannot stand behind, get out. Get out. And I did. I got out of this relationship. I am proud of that.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.
[00:17:39] Lauren: That's what I wanted to ask. So can you tell everybody how you got out?
[00:17:43] Megan: Yeah, it was bad. You know, it's like at that point, it was fighting for any.
Any ounce of the good feeling, the happy, the who I was before. I just felt like a different person.
And it came down to one of the last days that I had gone down to visit. And while he was at work at this point, I made my decision. I. I couldn't do this anymore.
So exhausted, so tired, and all this stuff was just starting to pile up all the stress, and it just. He didn't want to go to therapy, and I was just tired of feeling so alone.
You know, I didn't know at that point if I had a friend base to fall back on. That's the hard part, is when they pull you away from your friends and family. When they pull you away and you don't feel like those connections are there anymore. You feel like the only person on earth. And like, I. I'm gonna have to support myself. I'm gonna have to figure this out. How am I gonna do this on my own? And, you know, so I. Well, while he was at work, we'd been in the middle of a fight when he left for work. And then I just decided, I'm just gonna start packing stuff. I started packing as many things as I could find of mine, and in the process, I opened a drawer and found credit cards of mine that had been taken and snapped. And it was just like four or five of them throughout the relationship. You know, one had disappeared every so often. So I'd cancel the card, order a new one, and turns out he would take them and snap them, and I found them, and that scared me.
[00:19:33] Bree: You're lucky to be here with us right now.
[00:19:35] Megan: I'm very proud of you for leaving. I think. Again, another statistic. It takes in these circumstances approximately, what, seven times to try and leave those situations. There were times, you know, like, I was just at the verge of, like, how can this be right for me? How is this, like, love? You know, the drop down, drag out fights. And it was always my fault, you know, And I would think of like, this can't be right. Until I was made to believe that this is me, this is my fault. I can fix this because it's me. I can fix it because it's my fault. And I want to fix it so I can fix it. And there's no telling how many times I went through that cycle, but this particular time, when I saw that, it hit me. The fear hit me. And I packed everything. And he got home from work. I told him, I'm. I'm gone. And I left. And I went to a friend's we had had planned. A friend of mine had planned a trip and she, the poor thing, I ended up getting there and it was hours away. So I'd been in the car with all my stuff going and driving up, and I get there and I'm a mess, an absolute mess. And she was so kind and like, this was a friend from high school I hadn't seen in years. And she was so supportive.
And that is what I, what I needed.
Because in this world where I just ended up with just feeling like, I don't have anyone I can talk to, I don't have anyone close, I'm scared. What do I do?
She took her trip and made it. It became, like, about me. And I hated that. I absolutely hated that.
But I was terrified and hurting and just the confusion, the questioning yourself, the what's gonna happen.
[00:21:33] Lauren: I mean, sounds like a great friend. And also, you know, I know you hate making about yourself, but, like, obviously she didn't. And that's something that, you know, always be there for your people. Or if somebody just like calls you out of the blue and needs you, like you don't know what they're going through and you could be their lifeline. So make sure that you are kind and there for anyone that reaches out to you.
[00:21:55] Megan: After that trip, I went back home and I had another friend who had been watching my dog.
And I had everything of my Life for that 10 or so months packed into my car.
I couldn't pick up my dog. There was no space. And that friend was kind enough to tell me, drive my dog back to my house. And we got there, it was raining, and there were things in my yard, strewn across my yard, paintings that I had made in the rain. And my friend pulled up and saw it All. And just like, just gave me a hug because just seeing that all across your yard, like laying up against the driveway and, you know, did he come.
[00:22:42] Lauren: To your house and take these paintings out of your house? Or is it paintings that he had?
[00:22:45] Megan: They were. They were paintings he had that he had in his office. He drove all the way from Birmingham to throw stuff in my yard.
[00:22:52] Lauren: Wow.
[00:22:53] Megan: Yeah. And it was scary at that point. It scared me that he would do that, that he would go to my house, that he would, like. I think I would have rather that he just threw them away. You know, like, even as an artist, I can make another painting. I don't. I don't want that painting back. It meant too much, you know, throw it in the dump.
[00:23:13] Bree: He was trying to scare you. He was trying to intimidate you, to have that control is what he was doing.
[00:23:18] Megan: Yeah, that last word, that control, that hurt. And. And that's the point where, you know, it's like, again, the fear sets in. You know, the stories he's told, you know, the things that. The lengths you would go to. That is terrifying. And I again, got very lucky. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat.
The next day I had to go to work. I couldn't sleep. And I was scared to be at home. So I went to work and showed up at like 4am and was just doing my best. And this is early into a new job, and my boss comes in. It's like 6am by this point, and he goes, you're here real early. Is there, like, are you okay? Like, you know, because I'm a morning person.
[00:24:02] Bree: Nobody wants to get to work that early.
[00:24:03] Megan: No, no. And I was trying to hold it together, and I broke down. I told him, and to this guy's. Absolutely.
He stopped me right there. He said, you know, if you need a place to stay, you got it. My. My family, we can house you. If you. You need to go take time and go change your locks right now. Go for it.
[00:24:25] Lauren: That's a good boss.
[00:24:26] Megan: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he's like, if you want help because you're afraid, then I will help you. You know, we'll figure it out. You just let me know what you need. And we. We got it. Because, I mean, I didn't know what to do. I was just scared. I just. I told him I was scared. I was going through a breakup. And this isn't a person that at that point in that situation that I trusted not to hurt me. And still to this day, I have fear. You know, I Don't ever want to come across that person again. I have come across that person again. Like I was out on a run and I had already run like five miles and out of nowhere, he just showed up on a corner. And I think I hit a five minute mile pace.
I have never in my life run so fast.
And I beeline in my car. I got out of there.
[00:25:18] Bree: Well, the next time he shows up, put us on speed dial because we'll be there.
[00:25:22] Megan: I got you. Yeah. From there it's just block that person. They're not safe. You know, keep your eyes open. Let your friends let someone close to you know what's going on. For a long time, I didn't realize what exactly it was.
I didn't know that the extent of what I had just gotten myself out of. I didn't know to say, oh, good job, you got out of this, this situation.
Da, da, da. Like, no, I was just, this is a breakup. Love is hard and you're gonna be okay eventually. And then I was sitting there at a publix about to go into grocery shopping, and I found a. A podcast. This was a month or two later, and it was a true crime podcast that was discussing they had had a murder by a.
An abuser and they had a follow on episode about the signs of narcissism, of abuse, of emotional, physical, sexual abuse. And I sat there in the public's parking lot sobbing because, I mean, it's almost like when you're on WebMD and they like all your symptoms and they're all lining up and you're like, there's no, there's no way. And then you go to the doctor and it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. This is it. I went to a therapist and it wasn't the same therapist I'd had at the end of the relationship, but kudos to the one I did have. She helped a lot in that process and telling me that it wasn't normal and that it was dangerous. The next therapist that I found actually got me in contact. We worked together for a while and I still go to her, but for a while after that she had to refer me to a trauma therapist.
There's something for PTSD that in trauma, traumatic events, if you see a car accident, you know, and it's, it's brutal and it's like, that's a traumatic event. If you go through something in your life, it's just hard and horrible. It's like, it's a specialized therapy that helps with That I believe it's called emdr.
[00:27:35] Lauren: It is.
[00:27:36] Megan: And I had to go through that therapy for a long time to.
To resolve the fear. I mean, I still have it sometimes. And, like. But to. To train your brain out of the horrible things that you've been taught by that abuser and just to reframe what you went through, you know, because you still. Once you get out of that, you have so many thoughts and so many, like, it's still my fault, and it's still no. Someone taking advantage of you with no consent is not your fault. Someone manipulating you and telling you how worthless and replaceable you are, that is not your fault.
[00:28:18] Lauren: 100%. 100%.
[00:28:20] Megan: So leverage that. Utilize that. To always have someone to help you get through it. Because it's trauma, you know, going through it. The reason I'm on here is to just continue to point out the red flags, to point out the things to look for in yourself and in that other person and pay attention to that. Because there's something called the window of tolerance. You know, when you go through relationships, it's every relationship that traumatizes you and that hurts you.
Your capability to withstand and to.
To handle and to have faith in and to grow emotionally in a relationship, it minimizes. Smaller things are bigger to you. And I use the analogy of a person standing across the street with a fork. If there's just a guy standing, hanging on the street, he's got maybe like a Peter. Peter bowl or something, and he's got a fork, right?
Not intimidating, but if someone's come up and attacked you who's been standing there with a fork before, man, you're gonna avoid every single person on the street who looks like they have a fork. Who looks. It could be some. Some person standing there with a spork or with a spoon or with a stuffed rabbit. Like, I don't care.
But because of the similarities and because your window of tolerance has gotten so small, small, you will not. Your nervous system will not be able to handle it. And it. It becomes just fear and blocking people off. And I mean, the reality is, you know, there are a lot of bad people out there, but there are a lot of good people out there, too. And there are going to be situations that trigger you and situations that are completely 100% normal. Like that person that's new in your life, who's good in your life is standing there with, like, a freaking tiramisu, your favorite dessert, and.
[00:30:31] Bree: With a fork.
[00:30:31] Megan: Yeah, with a fork. Like tiramisu. Here you go. You can even have the whole thing on your own, and.
And it's gonna scare you. And part of that healing is learning to differentiate that window of tolerance is a thing, and learning to understand that, hey, things are gonna scare me, and I need to really focus on when I feel that knot and it's something to worry about. I feel that physical representation or when it's safe. And that's part of healing from it too.
[00:31:06] Lauren: Yeah. So I think you've given. We've talked a lot about a lot of very heavy topics, but, I mean, I think it's been great to actually point out a lot of situations people may not realize that are red flags or that aren't normal, especially if it's a. Your first time dealing with it. But I want to end this episode on a happy note, and you are in a loving, happy relationship now and with a wonderful person. And just quickly tell everybody, like, how you are able to trust that person, like, how you were able to actually move past the trauma that was caused to you to be in a current, very healthy relationship.
[00:31:53] Megan: So a lot of it.
A lot of it has been hard work in between.
So that traumatic experience that I had was three so years ago. And when I tell you I have been putting in work into myself, go to therapy, go show up, you know, and when they tell you the work to do, when they ask you questions, when they give you assignments, you do it.
Because if. If you've hurt yourself, you know, and you're at pt, they're going to put you through work and you're going to come out stronger. I had to not only unlearn the things that had been put in my head, the.
I mean, even down to, like. I mean, I didn't even talk about this. Even down to not believing that women can, like, work and succeed and move up in the workplace and at the same time manage a household with kids, like, it's just not, um. And then that they would be at fault for the divorce because they tried, you know, like, just all that stuff you're. And then, as I said before, like, replaceability, unlearning that. It takes longer than you think you're gonna. Your brain is gonna say, oh, like, you know, I'm. I'm healed, I'm done.
And then you're gonna hit a trigger, and then it's gonna bowl you over and, you know, it's putting that work into yourself to heal that allows space again and allows you to, I mean, fix your picker and recognize those red flags, select the things that matter to you set your boundaries and live and die by them. And I cannot emphasize that enough, you know, find the things that matter to you. I found religion again, you know, and that became one of my. One of my big things is same.
[00:33:53] Lauren: And it's amazing how coming back to that after being away for a while, that it ends up being a comfort and a. A different. Another support system.
[00:34:02] Megan: Exactly. And just other lessons, like. Like saying no boundaries make you say no, and you get to watch and see how someone reacts to your no. And that's very telling. That's extraordinarily telling. Because if someone does not respect you, no, they are not a safe person, you know, so it was learning how to not, like, completely overcompensate and find someone completely different.
And that in itself being a harmful, harmful thing, because, you know, that's not what you need. That's not the things that you've hand picked for yourself. Like, for me, I'm a very highly energetic person to a fault sometimes. I love to travel. I love getting, like, into everything and everything and just understanding that, you know, religion was big for me and that the person that I wanted to be with would be supportive of my athletics, you know, because I do pursue them at a high level and would be, you know, just an extrovert. Like me. Because I never wanted to be in another situation where I felt scared to talk to people.
[00:35:19] Lauren: Amen.
[00:35:21] Megan: Yeah.
[00:35:21] Lauren: Dear Lord, extroverts. If you're an extrovert, get with an extrovert.
Lesson learned.
[00:35:28] Bree: Leave us introverts alone, please.
[00:35:30] Megan: We love the introverts.
[00:35:32] Lauren: I collect them as friends. They're not a good partner for me.
[00:35:37] Megan: We love the introverts. But I mean, like.
[00:35:41] Lauren: But your current partner is very supportive in all those things.
[00:35:44] Megan: Absolutely. I cannot tell you how supportive. Like, to the point where I have a very niche athletic hobby that, I mean, I participate in at a high level. To the point where, like, I went on a backpacking trip and I came back and an entire, like, athletic system had been built in my backyard for me just because I was worried about an upcoming event. And he just goes, you know, I can help with this. You go, enjoy your time on this backpacking trip. And I can help with this. I can build this.
[00:36:22] Lauren: A man that does something without being asked to do it.
What?
[00:36:26] Bree: That's a man.
[00:36:26] Megan: Genuinely, genuinely the right person. Will feel like you never have to change. Will feel like from day one, you don't have to hide anything.
Like, you don't have to. And, like, let's go back. Lesson learned. We still go slowly and still have your boundaries and still put the trust.
[00:36:50] Lauren: Slowly, you know, because that person will respect that.
[00:36:54] Megan: That person will respect that. And it is so true. And I had to have those conversations with my current partner, the hard ones. The. This is my boundary and you know, like the, you know, intimacy, that was a big boundary and he respected that. And Lord knows, after the trauma that I went through, that is an extraordinarily hard thing for me to have to conceptualize and how to, how to navigate. Like it's such a taboo topic too that it's. You don't.
[00:37:26] Lauren: Especially in the south, people don't like to talk about it.
[00:37:28] Megan: Oh yeah, like you don't have much of a resource to say, well, how do I deal with like the changes and like how you see it and how, how do I make it feel safe again? You know, because that's a huge thing is it was so taken advantage of that it wasn't safe.
[00:37:49] Lauren: So. But it sounds like he listened to your boundaries and he knew and he. So he worked on what can I do to make her feel safe? And did those things.
[00:37:57] Megan: He.
And I mean, it was even to the point of like just in, in the boundaries that I set with anything, him being so conscious of it that, you know, it was not just paying attention to my words, it was paying attention to my body language and to like just. It's paying attention, it's paying attention. You can, you can tell from someone's body language when they're like eh. And you know, I set the boundaries and I communicated with him and those uncomfortable conversations and he was willing to have those uncomfortable convers conversations with me.
[00:38:40] Lauren: Well, it sounds like he has a lot of emotional intelligence, which seems rare.
[00:38:45] Bree: It is rare.
[00:38:46] Lauren: It seems very rare. But it's amazing that he listened and paid attention. And I think that's part of it too is like what I've seen. And again, this is not all men because obviously you have a great one. So they are out there. But I feel like there's a growing or a lot of men out there currently that are just lazy. They just want what's easy. They don't want to actually do any work. They don't want to actually put in effort. So if it's too much work, they're like meh. And they don't want to, they don't want to continue.
[00:39:15] Megan: And like at the same time, you have a lot of society that.
That doesn't look into. Like, it doesn't emphasize with guys how important that emotional intelligence is. And emotional Health and therapy. You know, like, you look at culture and just how guys are expected to rub some dirt in it, and that's not healing.
[00:39:42] Lauren: Nope. We've said a million times on this podcast, and we'll say it again. Everybody needs therapy, men included.
[00:39:48] Megan: I mean, it's a tool. It is an advance. It's like straight up going to Home Depot and getting yourself a DeWalt Lowe's. I don't think Home Depot even cares, Aries.
I think it's. I think it's a Lowe's thing. Yeah, I think it's a Lowe's thing. Yeah. No, I'm a DeWalt girl, so.
But.
But yeah, I mean, it's. It's.
It's. It's like physical therapy. It's like going to the doctor. It's like. Because, I mean, you're just building yourself. You really are.
[00:40:17] Lauren: Well, I want to say that if you're out there right now and you're in any kind of abusive relationship or dealing with anything that we have talked about today, you're not alone. It's not your fault. Talk to somebody. Talk to your support system. And if you don't have a support system, we've said it before, but you can reach out to Bri and I. We are happy to be here for you if you feel like you have no one else that you can turn to. But we want you to know that there is hope. And we see that in Megan's story, that through all the trauma and abuse that she dealt with, she now is on the other side of that and very happy and obviously, still, you know, deals with some of the fallback from it because it takes years, and it's not a quick fix. But, you know, putting in the work and helping yourself get through it, that's. That's the way to go. So thank you for coming on and telling us your story.
[00:41:11] Megan: Of course. Thanks for having me. Yeah.
[00:41:14] Lauren: Well, Bre.
Well, Lauren, we will see you next time.
[00:41:19] Bree: We will see you next time.
[00:41:20] Megan: It.
