Episode Transcript
[00:00:30] Bree: Welcome back to Spill the Tea HSV with Lauren and Bree.
[00:00:33] Lauren: Well, Bree, welcome back again.
[00:00:35] Bree: How are you?
[00:00:36] Lauren: I'm doing good. Can't complain.
[00:00:38] Bree: So how's dating been going this week?
[00:00:41] Lauren: Oh, Lord. Oh, man. I feel like every week there's just a new thing.
[00:00:44] Bree: Yeah.
[00:00:45] Lauren: This week there was a guy that I matched with that I was like, oh, okay, he seems decent. But he wanted a call right away. He wanted, like, immediately started having phone calls. I was just like, well, okay, at least he's, like, actually wanting to have conversation, putting in effort. And we did have a phone call or two, I think, and it was fine.
[00:01:14] Lauren: But then he kept talking to me.
[00:01:18] Bree: Wasn't taking no for an answer.
[00:01:19] Lauren: he was not. And just. And continues to still talk to me. Like, tries to. And like, again, he's. He's a nice guy, but it's like he's just not getting it. I'm trying to not be mean.
[00:01:31] Bree: Yeah.
[00:01:32] Lauren: But I'm gonna probably have to be mean.
[00:01:33] Bree: Oh, well, darn.
[00:01:35] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:01:35] Bree: I mean, you did your best.
[00:01:37] Lauren: I did. And I mean, again, nice guy, just not for me.
[00:01:40] Bree: Understandable.
[00:01:41] Lauren: What about you?
[00:01:43] Bree: Well, so this week I have one who he identifies as a microwave dinner.
[00:01:48] Lauren: Sorry, what?
[00:01:50] Bree: Yes, he. In his bio, he states that he identifies as a microwave dinner because he is ready in five minutes. He looks nothing like his pictures, and he's just satisfying enough for you to want to come back and have more when you're desperate. Again.
[00:02:05] Lauren: That's pretty funny.
[00:02:07] Bree: It is pretty funny.
[00:02:07] Lauren: I will say that's pretty funny.
[00:02:09] Bree: I'll give him credit for that.
[00:02:10] Lauren: At least he's being honest. But I don't. Let's see his picture.
[00:02:13] Bree: He doesn't really look like a microwave dinner.
[00:02:15] Lauren: That's like Ricky Martin, but not. But, like, circa, like, 2050.
[00:02:21] Bree: Yeah, it's a little different.
[00:02:23] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:02:24] Bree: Well, I would not classify him as my type. So he got the X heart, bless him.
[00:02:29] Lauren: I mean. All right, another week down. And the options we have.
All the fish in the sea, all those wonderful fish. So, Bree, I think we should get into it. Why don't you tell us your story?
[00:02:43] Bree: So I actually have three stories.
[00:02:45] Lauren: Three.
[00:02:46] Bree: Three.
[00:02:46] Lauren: All right.
[00:02:47] Bree: So I got married the first time at a very young age, or what I consider to be a very young age myself and my first husband, we dated for several years in our early 20s, we got married. I think I was 24. Whenever we got married. I think in total, we were together for almost eight years. So, like, that was one of the longest relationships that I had ever had.
[00:03:09] Lauren: Yeah, that's significant.
[00:03:11] Bree: You're supposed to grow together when you're married. We did not. We started growing apart. There were some controlling issues when it came to, like, finances and stuff like that, and just things that you're supposed to learn together and learn how to take the path together. And we did not. So in the end, there ended up being rumors of cheating, and so with a coworker of his.
[00:03:35] Lauren: And it's that work wife thing, man.
[00:03:37] Bree: It is. It's that work wife, work husband. And I was very naive when I was that young, which, granted, whenever we got divorced, I was 29. But it got to the point to where I was being told that this woman was Breenging his favorite Starbucks drinks to work for him in the mornings. And like I said, I was very naive because I trusted him.
[00:03:59] Lauren: As you're supposed to when you're married.
[00:04:00] Bree: Absolutely. Like, fully trusted him. And so I just wrote it off like, oh, that's a very nice thing. And then, like, your wheels start turning a little bit once you really start thinking about it. Well, how does she know what your favorite drink is? I know your favorite drink because I'm your wife, but how does she know? Yeah, you know, and so that rubbed me a wrong way a little bit, but it was nothing major at that point. Eventually, we did end up getting divorced. And so after that, it came out that he had been dating her and become very close with her and her children, but was never ready to have children with me. Because everyone in your early 20s, you know, 20s, late 20s, especially in the south, you get married and you have babies.
[00:04:45] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:04:46] Bree: Like, you start a family. That's just sort of the norm. And so that's what I thought it was supposed to be like, and that's what I wanted. And that obviously it was not in the cards.
[00:04:56] Lauren: So you would ask this man to have kids with you, and he would say he's not ready, or he didn't want to.
[00:05:01] Bree: Right. It's the answer I always got was scared him. Like, financially, it scared him. So it got to the point to where all our friends were starting families and things, and I wanted that so badly. To where I asked him one day, I said, would it help if I started maybe buying a few things here and there to, like, help once we do get pregnant and have a baby? Like diapers and stuff? Because you can never have too many of those.
[00:05:25] Lauren: Right.
[00:05:25] Bree: Diapers, wipes, things like that. And he said, yeah, that'll help. So that's what I started doing. By the time we got divorced, I had a closet full of baby things.
[00:05:34] Lauren: So this man was just okay, getting your hopes up of being a mother and letting you buy these things. And the whole time he was talking to his. Whoever she was to him, work wife and getting close to her children. Do you know if they ever, like, stayed together? Do you know what happened with that?
[00:05:53] Bree: I don't believe so. It was actually a family friend who had told me that he was having an affair with this woman. And he denied it, of course. And they always do like they do. Which, granted, like, we are civil now. We have mutual friends in common. So it never really blew up. Everything's always been civil. But things like that are not normal. Whereas a lot of people think, again, work wife, work husband, that that's normal. It's just playful, it's harmless. But in reality, it's not.
[00:06:20] Lauren: Right. It's actually harmful. Yeah. Because then men, if they're in a disagreement with their wife or have a bad day and they're instead of working it out with their wife, talking and communicating with their wife, they're complaining to this work wife, this work husband.
[00:06:34] Bree: Right.
[00:06:34] Lauren: They're venting to them. And a lot of times I've seen it at my own job where they end up having affairs and getting together.
[00:06:41] Bree: And it builds a bond. When you start venting to someone, especially about your home life and your partner in some way, shape or form, that's going to build a bond because you're trusting each other with that information while you're talking to one another. Right.
[00:06:55] Lauren: That's unfortunate. I mean, it's. It's nice that you guys are at least civil, but at the same time, like, you.
You got married with the expectation, we're gonna have babies. I want babies.
[00:07:06] Bree: Yes. Like, we're gonna get married, start a family, and we're going to be together forever. We built a home on some of his family's land. And that's a pretty big accomplishment when, you know, you're in your 20s.
[00:07:17] Lauren: Oh, absolutely.
[00:07:18] Bree: And so that was something that it just went. It went right down the drain.
[00:07:22] Lauren: Did you ask for the divorce or what did he.
[00:07:25] Bree: I was the one who ended up filing. We had come to an agreement, you know, that we were going to get divorced, and we had talked about it, but I was the one who ended up filing for that one.
[00:07:35] Lauren: That's, I mean, good for You. Because if he wasn't giving you what you needed, then you had to. You had to do that. And. And you wanting a family like, you deserve that. And if your husband got married to you with those expectations, there's nothing you can do about that. And then, of course, finding out after the fact that there was an actual affair.
[00:07:53] Bree: Right.
[00:07:54] Lauren: That's always unfortunate, but obviously made you realize that you made the right decision.
[00:07:58] Bree: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, he's remarried now, and, you know, I wish them both all the best. You know, don't hold anything against him or anything of that nature, but something that you really. You have to pay attention to those things, because if you don't, they just explode into a bigger problem and end in divorce.
[00:08:15] Lauren: Does he have kids now?
[00:08:17] Bree: No.
[00:08:18] Lauren: Interesting.
[00:08:18] Bree: At least not that I'm aware of, but no.
[00:08:20] Lauren: Interesting. Wow.
[00:08:21] Bree: So that was. That was number one.
[00:08:24] Lauren: Number one.
[00:08:25] Bree: So we divorced in 2019 and started dating my second husband during the pandemic, like, when everything started.
[00:08:33] Lauren: Okay.
[00:08:34] Bree: And I think kind of right off the bat, and I wouldn't say it's a red flag, but when I'm. I'm from the South, I've been here my entire life, and he's from up north. And so there's a very big difference in. I don't want to say morals, because everybody's morals are different, and it also depends a lot on how you're raised. But there were so many differences that I really did not take into account at the time, and that eventually became an issue. We moved in together rather quickly. I was selling my house that I had at the time, and he's like, well, why don't you just move in with me? So I thought, okay, well, once you've been divorced, once you go into your second, you know, what could potentially be a second marriage with somebody that you're serious with, thinking this is, like, the right thing to do. You feel safe and secure, like, emotionally and financially and all of the things that's what you're supposed to want out of, you know, out of a relationship.
[00:09:27] Lauren: And how old were you at this point?
[00:09:29] Bree: Gosh, 30. 31.
[00:09:32] Lauren: Yeah. So, like, you're in your 30s. You've been married. Like, you're like, all right, well, might as well find out if we can live together. And we're married.
[00:09:39] Bree: Exactly. And so we move in together. I move into his apartment with him. And so we dated for a while. The next year, we built a house. And right after we moved into that house, we got engaged, and everything was great. The first year or so that we were together, like, there was nothing that really blew up in my face as a red flag. And I can say that now, looking back on it, because, you know, you're always sort of blinded. I feel like, oh, yeah. When you're with someone and looking back, like, I really did not see many red flags at all. You know, nothing that stood out. And so we dated, we built the house, we got engaged, and we. We got married in 2022. And after that, we begin. We started trying to have a family. We got pregnant and it was around Christmas time, and it was my first pregnancy, and family was coming in for Christmas and everything. And I will never forget, I was at work and I started bleeding.
And so this episode may be a trigger warning to some, but if you are someone who has either been through miscarriages or it's something very difficult for you to talk about or listen to, that is a good chunk of this episode is going to talk about things of that nature. And so I just want to kind of put that out there for anyone who's either currently going through it or, you know, may have issues listening to this piece of it.
[00:11:00] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:11:01] Bree: So I start bleeding, call my doctor's office. And I go in and they did an ultrasound and everything, and they're like, yeah, you're having a miscarriage. And he was with me at that doctor's appointment. I was a complete mess. It is Christmas time. We have family coming in. I just found out I'm pregnant. I was so excited. We had planned to tell family during that time, and I was hysterical.
[00:11:26] Lauren: And how far along were you?
[00:11:28] Bree: I think I was seven weeks along. None of my pregnancies ever went over nine weeks.
Always miscarried before then. And so during that appointment, sitting there, doctors talking to us, I'm crying my eyes out. And he has no emotion, really. He's just sort of standing there taking it all in. And at the time I was thinking, well, maybe this is just how he's processing it. It'll hit him later.
[00:11:53] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:11:54] Bree: And we leave the appointment. And when you're pregnant and you start to miscarry, they have to track your levels back down to a zero.
So I go in, I get my blood work over the next week or so, and the doctor's office calls me while I'm at work, and they're like, hey, your levels are actually going back up.
So what does that mean? They're like, well, you're still pregnant. Are you still bleeding? Yeah, like, I'm pretty sure. Like, I've already miscarried my levels should be back to zero. And I think my levels had. They hadn't gone up a whole lot, but it was like in the 400 range, I believe. They call me back in and I go in, they do another ultrasound. They said, oh, well, you're still pregnant. I said, well, how was that possible? I said, there's something called finishing twin syndrome. Now, granted, this is the first pregnancy I've ever had, so I'm like, scared to death thinking, what does this mean? You know, what all goes. Goes into this? And they said, essentially is you become pregnant with twins, you cannot always see both of them on your first ultrasound. You may see one takes a little while for everything to develop. So essentially, I miscarried the first one. The second was still there, but I was likely going to miscarry the second as well. And so while family was here at Christmas, I was miscarrying again and again. He really did not show much emotion. And you always try to be open and receptive to how people process things. Everybody processes things in a different way. But to not really have much emotion, that's a major red flag. Flag.
[00:13:24] Lauren: Even in your private time, when it's just the two of you and you're talking about it, because obviously I'm assuming you were very upset.
[00:13:30] Bree: Extremely. I've never been in such a. I won't say a dark place, but I was very depressed. Yeah, extremely depressed. Because you go through these thoughts of, well, what's wrong with my body? Why cannot. Why. Why can my body not carry a child? Like, what did I do wrong? And so that stuff, you know, the doctor goes over with you, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. And so you've done everything right. You've taken your prenatals, you've gotten all of your blood work done, you've done everything you can. After that, we waited a couple months and tried again, made sure my levels went back down to zero and everything, and tried a couple months later. And I again, I don't ever carry past nine weeks. So I miscarried again after that one. I noticed the depression really started to sink in.
[00:14:16] Lauren: Well, yeah, you had three miscarriages. Yeah, that's a lot. Any miscarriages is a lot. But you had three in a very short time frame.
[00:14:25] Bree: Very short time. Like within three or four months.
[00:14:28] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:14:29] Bree: So I asked my doctor, I said, I need something, I need something for. My anxiety was through the roof, my depression was through the roof. And I struggled with anxiety almost my whole life, but never to this Point, I was having anxiety and panic attacks every other night to the point I was taking Benadryl to knock me out, to help me sleep because they were so bad.
So she prescribed me very common anxiety and depression medication. I started taking it and it really started to help. And then after that, several months go by, we're having trouble getting pregnant again, and I was prescribed Clomid, which helps you ovulate.
[00:15:08] Lauren: Okay.
[00:15:09] Bree: Which I never really had an issue ovulating. But what would cause my miscarriages is my progesterone levels would plummet every time I got pregnant. And that's not normal. It's supposed to increase.
And they would track that as far along as they could until I'd miscarry. So my medication for anxiety and depression, I was taking the medication to ovulate, which did help. I got pregnant, miscarried again. And then.
[00:15:39] Lauren: So it's number four.
[00:15:40] Bree: Yes. And so one more time, I believe it was in August of that year of 2023. Miscarried again for the fifth time and the final time with those pregnancies. And so after that, I, like, my body needed a break, my mental state needed a break. And that's sort of when I started noticing the red flags.
[00:16:03] Lauren: So during all these miscarriages, was he ever supportive of you, like helpful at all? Did you feel cared for, taken care of?
[00:16:13] Bree: No. The things that stick in my mind specifically was after each miscarriage, I remember sitting in the bed crying. He was playing on his phone, like scrolling or playing games or whatever. And he patted me on the back and said, you'll be okay. And I have never in my life felt so unseen and unheard.
[00:16:34] Lauren: You'll be okay.
[00:16:36] Bree: Yeah, you'll be okay. So also we have my dog. She's a 60 pound dog. We had another dog that was, I think maybe between 35 and 40 pounds. And so they would have their weekly bath. He refused to bathe the dogs. He refused to pick the dogs up and put them in the bathtub.
[00:16:56] Lauren: Why? What was his excuse?
[00:16:58] Bree: Didn't want to.
[00:16:59] Lauren: Oh, okay.
[00:16:59] Bree: Like I'm, I'm the one who bathes them.
[00:17:02] Lauren: So you probably would had a baby kid too, by yourself.
[00:17:04] Bree: Exactly. And, but like I'm sitting here, you know, pregnant and I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy. I'm not, I'm taking all these precautions and he's concerned about how hot my bath water is, but he won't pick up the heavy dog to put it in the damn bathtub.
[00:17:19] Lauren: That's so weird.
[00:17:21] Bree: Yeah, those were some major red Flags. But also during that time, anything that I would do that either he didn't like or he thought that I was doing it just completely the wrong way, he would make that very well known. And it was almost like a child pitching a fit. If his socks did not match perfectly when folding the laundry, he would pitch a fit to the point to where he told me not to even touch his laundry.
[00:17:48] Lauren: Wow.
[00:17:49] Bree: Yeah. If somebody folds my laundry, I don't give a damn if my socks match or not. Just fold my laundry. I appreciate that.
[00:17:55] Lauren: Well, yes.
[00:17:56] Bree: I hate laundry. We had, you know, like several baby gates put up for the dogs. You know, certain rooms that he did not want them to go in. Like our bedroom. The dogs were not allowed in the bedroom. Hardly ever. Sorry, that's a red flag. My dog is my child.
[00:18:07] Lauren: I mean, that's fair. And I think you shouldn't have to change that if that's how you want.
[00:18:13] Bree: Yeah.
[00:18:13] Lauren: Those are things that you need to, like, talk about, right?
[00:18:16] Bree: Well, his dog slept in the bed with him before I came along.
[00:18:19] Lauren: So what? Yeah, so what?
[00:18:20] Bree: Exactly. So is your dog. Well, he had a beagle and then I had a small dog that had passed away from cancer while we were together. And then we got my big dog.
[00:18:30] Lauren: Right.
[00:18:31] Bree: And neither one of them, he wanted anywhere near the bedrooms because the bedrooms had carpet in them.
[00:18:35] Lauren: Okay, well, I'm sorry, they're dogs.
[00:18:38] Bree: Yeah.
[00:18:39] Lauren: Why have a dog?
[00:18:40] Bree: Exactly.
So he would get frustrated about things and would slam the baby gates like a child.
That's how he would re. Yeah, it's gross. Slam the door when he would go outside if something didn't go his way. And always felt like everything was my fault, that whatever I did was not good enough. And eventually it got to the point to where he told me about this woman that worked at the Panera Bread drive through.
[00:19:08] Lauren: Oh, that's a great place to pick up a woman.
[00:19:12] Bree: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:19:13] Lauren: Gotta get. Gotta get those free sandwiches. It's important.
[00:19:18] Bree: So enough to the point to where. She knew his order when he would come through. And he also knew that she was studying to become a real estate agent.
[00:19:28] Lauren: I'm sorry, I don't talk no to my God.
[00:19:33] Bree: No.
[00:19:33] Lauren: I mean, I used to bartend, right? So like. Yeah, when you bartend, you learn your regulars and you learn stuff like that. But that's because they sit at the bar for hours.
[00:19:41] Bree: Yeah. Not a five minute drive through sesh.
[00:19:43] Lauren: Yeah. That's wild.
[00:19:45] Bree: He knew that she was married, that she had a child. All this stuff, news, what Knew what.
[00:19:50] Lauren: Day she worked I mean, I feel like there had to have been some actual, like, texting or something going on.
[00:19:55] Bree: Yeah. And so I never checked his phone. That was something I never did. Looking back, I probably should have checked it.
[00:20:01] Lauren: Amen. I should have checked Dick's too.
[00:20:03] Bree: Yeah. And his phone would go off in the middle of the night. All the ones I was married to, their phones would go off in the middle of the night. Eventually, that started happening with all three of them.
[00:20:12] Lauren: @ least mine was smart enough to put it on silent.
[00:20:14] Bree: Yeah.
[00:20:14] Lauren: Because if you wake me up, I'm gonna lose my mind.
[00:20:18] Bree: Weren't that smart.
[00:20:19] Lauren: Girl needs some sleep.
[00:20:20] Bree: So we got to where I had gone on a trip with a friend on, like, on the other side of the country. And I shared my location with him because I didn't know how much cell phone reception I'd have or anything. And anytime I travel with a friend or by myself, my parents are, oh, my goodness, you know, make sure somebody has your location. So I shared it with him. And so during that time that he was telling me about the girl from Panera, I remember one day I was trying to find my AirPods because I couldn't find them. Well, when you pull that up, you have, like, your people button, your device button, and all that other stuff, and it's defaulted to people.
[00:20:58] Lauren: Right.
[00:20:58] Bree: So I pull it up, and it shows that he's at a hotel down the road from his work.
[00:21:04] Lauren: Oh.
[00:21:05] Bree: And when I first noticed it, it would kind of bounce, like, around the hotel. Like, it wasn't just, like, steady right there. It would bounce around. I'm like, well, that's kind of odd. Maybe that's wrong.
[00:21:16] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:21:16] Bree: Anything.
[00:21:17] Lauren: Yeah. Because why would he be at a hotel?
[00:21:18] Bree: Anything can glitch. Yeah. Why would he be at a hotel? So for weeks, if not a couple months, that's how it was. And when I finally asked him about it, he blamed it on the building that he worked in and the WI.
[00:21:31] Lauren: Fi signal that it shows up in the hotel.
[00:21:34] Bree: Exactly.
[00:21:34] Lauren: Are you using the WI fi from the hotel?
[00:21:37] Bree: Exactly.
[00:21:39] Lauren: So the lies they come up with, it's outlandish. Audacity.
[00:21:44] Bree: The audacity. So, yeah, we once, you know, all of that happened and got through the last miscarriage, you know, I had started finally being able to see more clearly. And I had gone on a trip to New York City with my best friend. And on that trip, I just started to realize, you know, like, this is not a healthy relationship.
Right before we left, we were in the kitchen, and there was a bag of dog food. In one of the cabinets. And I was like, if we move this bag from this cabinet to the other cabinet, we can sort of organize it a little better. It'll all fit together. And he was adamant. It's not going to fit in that other cabinet. It's just not going to fit. So I was like, will you please just try it? Just grab the bag and put it in the other cabinet. He grabs the bag and he chunks it into the other cabinet and turns around and smirks at me and walks off. The smirk is what did it.
[00:22:43] Lauren: Okay.
[00:22:44] Bree: Yeah, the smirk. It was like a light switch had been flipped. That was the last straw for me. It was very passive aggressive. It was just disrespectful. Like, he was.
[00:22:53] Lauren: Did the bag fit?
[00:22:54] Bree: Of course it.
[00:22:55] Lauren: Okay. See? And it fit. So, like, what's that smirk for? Right.
[00:22:59] Bree: I mean, you were right just to be an ass.
[00:23:01] Lauren: Right.
[00:23:02] Bree: And so that was it. And it sounds so stupid when you think, oh, well, why did you file for divorce over a bag of dog food? Well, there were all of these things led up to it, and that was my final straw.
[00:23:13] Lauren: I mean, not getting support in five miscarriages.
[00:23:16] Bree: Yeah.
[00:23:17] Lauren: Is a pretty big red flag.
[00:23:18] Bree: Absolutely. And. But the bag of dog food is what did it for me.
[00:23:22] Lauren: I mean, you never know when you're finally gonna snap.
[00:23:26] Bree: Thank you, Lucy. That's my dog, by the way. We go on this trip and obviously we're having, you know, deep conversations and stuff. And I just tell her, you know, I don't think this is how my relationship is supposed to be. I really don't want to go through a second divorce. But by this time, I had already asked to go to counseling and things of that nature. And he did not want to go.
[00:23:43] Lauren: Ok.
[00:23:44] Bree: I made it very clear that healthy communication within a marriage was essential if you want to stay married.
[00:23:49] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:23:50] Bree: And that it's like it just went through one ear and out the other.
[00:23:53] Lauren: There's so many men, they don't want to go to counseling. And I think a lot of them are just scared to actually learn about themselves and actually acknowledge what's wrong within.
[00:24:03] Bree: Themselves, face their own flaws.
[00:24:05] Lauren: Absolutely. Because we all have them, and I'm one. I will always be a proponent of therapy. I've been in therapy a long time because I work a very stressful job. Right then I see a lot of stuff that would be a horror story for most people. So I. That's why I originally started therapy was just so that I didn't have to burden my friends and my family with the dark stuff that I see. But it means a godsend because you end up learning so much about yourself and how to be able to communicate, how to be able to regulate your emotions better. So I don't understand men that just refused to go.
[00:24:37] Bree: Yeah. And his thing was he blamed it a lot on how he was raised.
And so I understand everybody is raised differently. And I do feel like the values that we have, depending on where you live, they can be vastly different.
[00:24:51] Lauren: Oh, absolutely.
[00:24:52] Bree: And ours were. You know, I'm used to men who are Southern gentlemen. Not that I was ever married to any of them God fearing, but that's what you expect. Like that's how you expect to be treated. And somebody who is from a completely, you know, polar opposite lifestyle and raising, they're not going to have that same thought process. So that should have been something that was definitely dug into a bit more before we ever even got married. So after we got back from this trip, the day that I got back, I told him that I wanted a divorce and he acted very devastated, could not believe that I didn't want to, that I did not want to try harder for our.
[00:25:29] Lauren: Okay, yeah. So like you, like you asked for counseling, trying. Yeah.
[00:25:33] Bree: So I filed for divorce and that ball gets started and you know, start moving things out of the house into storage and going and staying with one of my friends.
So during that time, there were a few pieces that were left at the house that my mom was going to go buy and get for me. And she calls me, she said, I've walked into your house and there's an envelope laying on the counter with mine and your dad's name on it. Do you want me to read it? And I was like, yeah, of course I want you to read it. Like I'm not there, but I want to know what it says. And so she takes a little while and she doesn't read it until that night, but because she knew it was not going to be anything good. So she calls me and she's reading it to me and pretty much it's outlining. I'm so sorry that you all are having to deal with this over the holidays because this was around Christmas time and just acting very, just innocent, like he had nothing to do with it and starts talking about how I was on pregnancy medication, try to get pregnant and how that he thinks that affected decisions that I made as far as wanting to get divorced.
[00:26:41] Lauren: No, bro, maybe you should have support your wife.
[00:26:44] Bree: Exactly. Starts telling them when like he tracked my periods and stuff, which to me is Just kind of weird.
[00:26:51] Lauren: Also, why are you talking to your parents?
[00:26:52] Bree: Yeah, to my mother and father.
[00:26:55] Lauren: About your period. Sex life. Weird.
[00:26:57] Bree: Yes, exactly. And so, like, my mom's sitting there, read it to me, and we're both just blown away. Completely blown out of the water. And at the very end of the letter, he wishes everybody a merry Christmas.
[00:27:08] Lauren: Oh, how sweet of him.
[00:27:10] Bree: You know, thanks them for welcome, welcoming him into the family, and Merry Christmas. And so at this point, my dad is, like, blowing flames out of his ears. Oh, I bet he's pissed. And even my dad tells me, he's like, he's taking no accountability. He's blaming everything on you.
[00:27:28] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:27:29] Bree: And that's what he always did. He never took accountability.
[00:27:32] Lauren: So looking back, that's the biggest red flag is that he would never took accountability for any arguments, any fights, anything that happened.
[00:27:38] Bree: Exactly. If a man cannot take accountability and responsibility for his actions and the things that he has not done or said that a typical husband would do, what you would expect a husband to do, that's a red flag.
[00:27:51] Lauren: Absolutely.
[00:27:52] Bree: The kicker, though, and this. This gets me every time.
After the divorce, I had my annual visit with my gynecologist, who was the one who did the ultrasound. She was there throughout the pregnancies.
And I get in there, and she's like, how's life? How's everything going? And I'm like, well, I got divorced again. And her eyes get huge. And she's like, you got divorced again? I said, yeah. And she's like, was it from the guy who didn't show any emotions? Oh, and her nurse was in there, too. And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, did I just hear that correctly?
[00:28:25] Lauren: So they saw it.
[00:28:26] Bree: Yeah. And the nurse is like, yeah. She goes, we remember whenever, like, he came in for your appointment, and he wasn't crying or. Or upset or anything. She's like, you were hysterical. And he showed no emotion. The fact that they remembered that, and I asked him, I said, how did y'all remember that? She said, oh, we all talked about it when y'all left.
[00:28:44] Lauren: And this is a year later.
[00:28:45] Bree: A year later.
[00:28:46] Lauren: And so obviously his response is not normal for what they normally see, considering they see this all the time.
[00:28:52] Bree: Yeah.
[00:28:52] Lauren: And they were like, oh, my God, this is not normal. This is horrible.
[00:28:57] Bree: Absolutely. They said most husbands or boyfriends or whatever who come in, they're just as equally as upset as the wife or girlfriend is.
[00:29:05] Lauren: I mean. Yes. Because losing a child should be very upsetting. Yeah.
[00:29:11] Bree: Absolutely devastating. And I think a lot of Things come with that. Some people say, oh, well, you were only so many weeks along. That's not really a pregnancy or anything like that. Well, yeah. Yeah, it is, because your body is going through so many changes. And when you have that ultrasound and you can see that baby developing on that screen, that is your child.
[00:29:33] Lauren: And you wanted it.
[00:29:34] Bree: Absolutely.
[00:29:35] Lauren: You wanted the space. So for you, it was 100 a baby, because.
[00:29:38] Bree: Yeah.
[00:29:38] Lauren: It. You wanted it.
[00:29:40] Bree: Yeah.
[00:29:40] Lauren: And you had wanted a baby in the first marriage and he basically lied to you and wouldn't do it. And in this next one, you end up having five miscarriages and not having a supportive husband to help you go through one of the most, if not the most traumatic thing you can go through. Absolutely.
[00:29:58] Bree: The thing is, there's not many women out there who openly talk about miscarriages. There's more now than there used to be. But you feel so alone and isolated, especially when you don't have a supportive partner to help you through the process. And I remember I even mentioned to him, like, starting some kind of online blog about miscarriages and things of that nature, and he shot it down completely. He's like, I don't think anybody would really want to hear about that.
[00:30:24] Lauren: Are you kidding?
[00:30:25] Bree: No.
[00:30:25] Lauren: This is like.
That's another red flag.
[00:30:28] Bree: Yeah.
[00:30:28] Lauren: Because first of all, you should support your partner's creative decisions and drives.
[00:30:32] Bree: Absolutely.
[00:30:33] Lauren: What's the worst thing that's going to happen? It doesn't go anywhere, like, support each other. But two, like you said, this is something that people don't talk about. We don't talk about enough because there's a stigma to it. Same thing with the medications that we've talked about. Same thing with suicidal thoughts. There's stigmas to all these things. And miscarriages have one, too.
[00:30:49] Bree: They do.
[00:30:50] Lauren: And a lot of people blame the woman.
[00:30:51] Bree: They do. You, you know, you blame your body. You blame. Well, what could I have done differently? There's literally a certain temperature of bath water that you're not supposed to go over. And I will never forget with twin miscarriage was, did I take a bath and the water was too hot? You know, what did I do wrong? Did I eat something I wasn't supposed to eat? Did I take. And I didn't even know this. When you're pregnant, you're not supposed to take a leave or anything, because it can be a part of a miscarriage, only Tylenol. And so leading up to it, if you're not fully actively trying to get pregnant, but you're also not preventing it really not in like, oh, I have a headache. I'm gonna take and leave. Yeah, that's just your go to. So then it's like, well, did I, did I take that? You know that I wasn't supposed to.
[00:31:37] Lauren: Right. So, I mean, I've had a lot of friends that have had miscarriages, and it's awful to watch somebody you love go through that. And I'm just a friend. I can't imagine watching a spouse go through something like that and not being there, not being supportive, because it's so horrific and so traumatic. And every single one of them blame themselves too in the beginning. And, you know, being a friend who is child free, I'm never gonna understand it. I'm never gonna understand that pain. But I want to be there and I want to support them. And I hope that by hearing your story, women know they're not alone. Miscarriages happen. It's not your fault.
[00:32:18] Bree: It's nothing new.
[00:32:19] Lauren: It's nothing new. It's just something that people don't talk about.
[00:32:22] Bree: Right.
[00:32:22] Lauren: It's a very unfortunate situation that happens.
[00:32:26] Bree: It does.
[00:32:27] Lauren: And if you don't have a supportive partner, you might want to think about.
[00:32:32] Bree: Finding one that is absolutely 110,000% it. That. That's a huge thing. Especially whenever you're going through, like, the anxiety and depression of it. If you had he been more supportive, I probably would have been able to process it a little easier, you know, but it's. What is it? The millennial saying it is what it is.
[00:32:53] Lauren: Yeah. And him just rubbing your back saying, you'll be okay, you'll be okay. Yeah. Okay. That's just. That's insane. And if any of you out there have gone through this and you don't have the support system or anything, find us on social media, DM us. We're. We're happy to be here and be your support system if you don't have one, because every woman should have a support system for what they go through.
[00:33:14] Bree: There are several women that I've spoken to who knew that I went through all those miscarriages. And, you know, they were women that I'd either worked with or known who had reached out to me and like, well, how did you get through it? And they were ashamed to say that maybe I need some kind of medication for the depression that I'm going through. And don't ever be ashamed of that for needing help to get you through a difficult situation. There's nothing to be ashamed about.
[00:33:38] Lauren: Nothing to be ashamed about. And in fact, I believe that the fact that you acknowledge that and could see it and know that actually makes you strong, that makes you a stronger person. The fact that you're able to acknowledge that, you see that and know that. For me to get to the other side of this, I need some extra.
[00:33:54] Bree: Help that helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
[00:33:56] Lauren: And that's. That's absolutely. I think it's admirable.
[00:34:00] Bree: Yeah, it's. It's definitely a process. Unfortunately, it is part of life, but you get through it, and you try to make the best of it. Sort of like at the end of the day.
[00:34:09] Lauren: Well, I hate that you had to go through that. I am so sorry. I can't even fathom how that feels. But I'm glad that you shared that and that you're here to help other women who may be going through something right now. Just know you're not alone.
[00:34:26] Bree: Absolutely. Feel free to reach out to either one of us.
[00:34:29] Lauren: Yes. Yes. We will absolutely be willing to talk to you and just hear you out. If you just need a sounding board, if you just need a vent, we're here. And thank you for sharing your first two.
[00:34:42] Bree: Absolutely.
[00:34:43] Lauren: We will save the. Save the final one for the next.
[00:34:47] Bree: The grand finale.
[00:34:48] Lauren: The grand finale for the next episode.
[00:34:51] Bree: Yep. Buckle up. It gets even better.
