Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome back to Spill the Tea Unfiltered.
[00:00:03] Speaker B: Hey.
Hey.
[00:00:06] Speaker A: How have you been?
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Stressed out?
[00:00:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:11] Speaker B: 100%. Yeah. Between school, work, pretty stressed out.
[00:00:15] Speaker A: You're almost done with one of your classes, though. Thank God.
[00:00:18] Speaker B: So that. That professor has been a nightmare.
[00:00:21] Speaker A: Yeah, it sounds like it. Which, I mean, if anybody went to college, like, you know, you have those professors that are just, like, the ones that make things so hard that they have to curve. And I'm like, why do that? Then?
[00:00:32] Speaker B: What is the point?
[00:00:33] Speaker A: They're like, I don't know, maybe that just makes them feel better when they're, you know, like, the certain people that become, like, law enforcement officers or something because they want to, like, be in charge and, like, do, like, just showboat. Yeah, I feel like some professors do that, where they're just like, I'm going to make this as hard as I can, and then you have to curve it. So then what was the point?
[00:00:51] Speaker B: What's funny is she sent out an email stating that she doesn't intentionally make them so hard and that she's not trying to make them tricky. And I was like, you don't have to lie to kick it with me.
[00:01:01] Speaker A: But then, like, isn't the whole class, like, on a 100%?
[00:01:04] Speaker B: We're all on a group me. And we all talk about it every day.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: So, like, it's not just her. Like, it's the whole class. And, I mean, you're going to a prestigious university. Like, you're going to one of the big universities. So.
Yeah, she needs to get it together. But I'm glad you're almost done.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Me too.
[00:01:19] Speaker A: Gosh.
I have an update.
[00:01:21] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: I touched Dick.
[00:01:24] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: Like, on the phone, which was. I mean, I. Ew. Yeah.
It was exhausting. I will say that. Like, my brain was just, like, mentally just like, oh, my God, 10 minutes on the phone with him. And it was hard also. Hi, Dick. I know you're listening.
But he.
It wasn't a bad conversation for. For once, which was nice, but it's just confusing because he'll, like, not respond to, Like, I hadn't heard from him since December last time. He sent me, like, a whole $50.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: 50 whopping bucks.
[00:01:59] Speaker A: And then out of nowhere, sends me another random $50. And I'm like, my nails cost more. Right? I'm like, you're still in contempt of court. Like, this is still less than you're supposed to be sending, so.
And I don't know if he's doing it to, like, get me to talk to him, because I hadn't talked to him and reached out in a while, like, I don't know. And there was some other stuff we needed to talk about in like, regards to, like, his daughter and different stuff. So it was a good conversation in the fact that it needed to be had. Right. And hopefully we've come to an agreement, sir.
So hopefully he will stick with what he said he would do and we can get some stuff settled out.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: I wouldn't hold my breath.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: I'm.
I'm not. But I told him if he wanted me to talk nice about him, then he needs to actually stick to his what he says. So I'll make a deal.
[00:02:48] Speaker B: I'll also speak nice about you or
[00:02:51] Speaker A: we just won't talk about you as much.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: That's really what's going to happen.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: So, yeah, so there was that. So I was exhausted and then I had my burn games the next day at burn boot camp and I about died. So physically and mentally also there just for different reasons.
And you had a date.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: I did.
So, Lauren, if you could stop going out of town, that would be great because I get bored whenever you leave and I don't, like, not really bored every so often. I'm just like, you know, maybe, like, going on a date would be nice. You know, try this out. And I had recently met somebody that I met them again after I had met them at a Halloween party.
[00:03:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:34] Speaker B: And the date was nice. Like, he was a nice guy, nice enough at least.
So.
But I just didn't feel a connection. There definitely was a big difference between him and I, and I just didn't feel a connection. And then it also just kind of reminded me that, like, I'm still not there when it comes to dating. Like, it was nice to recognize that there are, like, decent guys out there. And like, he was very sweet, very.
He was very polite, kind. But I just, like the whole time I was like, I'm just not ready.
[00:04:05] Speaker A: Well, and you can't force it. Right. So, like, that's the thing is, like, sometimes there are good guys out there and. But unfortunately, sometimes, you know, you gotta find a good guy who you actually mesh with. And that's what gets to be hard is like actually finding a guy. And people are like, well, lower your standards. Like, no, I'm not gonna lower my standards because I've lowered my standards in the past and look where that got me.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: Right? Yeah, absolutely.
[00:04:25] Speaker A: And.
[00:04:25] Speaker B: But it is, like, nice since going back to therapy, like, I've definitely realigned my wants.
[00:04:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:31] Speaker B: In a relationship and my non negotiable yes.
[00:04:34] Speaker A: Non negotiables are so, so important. And I think that that's something people forget about. Like, you have to stick to those, because if you compromise on those, then you're going to compromise on other things.
[00:04:41] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:04:42] Speaker A: But to fix your issue, when I go out of town, I just. You need to have a calendar like me.
[00:04:48] Speaker B: Like, that's a joke, Lauren. You know, I can't keep organized. I have adhd. I'm never gonna fill out that calendar. I'm gonna start the calendar. I'm not gonna stick to it. Just, like all my hobbies.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: I had something every evening because I was in Memphis last week for work, and then I had something every evening.
She's always calling me, like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm going to this event. I'm going to this event. So, like, I'm just going to start dragging you to all my events. So then you'll be tired and you won't want to date even more tired than you already are.
[00:05:17] Speaker B: I also have to call her and ask her what we're doing and get a refresher on the dates, because I have no idea. Like, half the time I'm like, what date did I say this was?
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Where? When. When are you coming over?
[00:05:27] Speaker B: Yeah, when are you coming over?
[00:05:29] Speaker A: Was that Friday?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's. It's pretty entertaining, but I've always been like that. I'm. I am definitely the, like, keeper of calendars. That's always been my. My thing, and that's okay. And that's why we balance each other. So if you also notice, Bree's not here.
And so we just wanted to say, like, as the podcast continues to evolve, Bri has decided to step away for some personal reasons.
But we're grateful for the role that she played in building the space and the conversations, like, that we shared, and no ill will to her at all. Like, we're still all friends. Like, we wish her the best. We're still gonna see her and everything. Like, that's still happening. But for personal reasons, she's had to step away for the podcast. And that's okay. Sometimes our personal lives, like, take us different ways. And so you'll have me and Amber and.
Which it's funny, too, because, like, you really are the catalyst of why I wanted to start this. So. So it works for us because, you know, you were the og, the OG Dictator.
[00:06:43] Speaker B: I didn't intentionally sign up for the role. But here we are.
[00:06:46] Speaker A: But here we are.
Yeah. So we have a story today.
We've Had a few people send us in stories. So keep sending them in so we can talk about them. And then like we are record a therapist in a few weeks and when we do that, we're going to pick some of the stories to have her break down, like what she's seeing, like what kind of behaviors. So if that interests you, definitely send it in to spill the tea.
Hsv, Gmail. That's still our current Gmail or just DM us and we can do that. So you ready for the story?
[00:07:26] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:07:27] Speaker A: All right. Spill the tea. Spill that tea.
I met Michael at a work related training conference.
I had just ended a chaotic relationship a few months prior and was was in the I'm not looking phase, which I think we've all been there. Like when you get out of a relationship, you're like, absolutely not.
[00:07:48] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: I'm not here for this.
So the first day of the training, he approached me and my group's table, introduced himself very cordially, pretty introverted and honestly paid him very little mind at the time. I just figured he was being friendly and networking.
It wasn't until I noticed him making pointed attempts to speak to me and my coworkers that I ended up picking up on the vibe. We never ended up hanging out at any of the social events over the course of the conference, but we had exchanged numbers at some point and on the final day, after everybody was heading home, we began to text some. When I arrived back in my hometown, he and he arrived back at his. He called me and we ended up talking for hours. He lived about an hour away, which wasn't ideal, but it wasn't impossible. Which I mean, like I feel like here because technically you live 45 minutes away from me and 45 minutes really
[00:08:34] Speaker B: isn't a bad drive.
[00:08:35] Speaker A: No. And we're still in the same town, right? Like, I mean basically like it's just depends on what end of town you're on type thing, so.
[00:08:43] Speaker B: And traffic.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: Yeah, traffic's the worst part.
[00:08:45] Speaker B: Like that's 100% why it takes 45 minutes.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: So yes, 100%. He asked to take me out on a date and I told him I was going to be traveling in his direction in the next couple of days to see another friend and I can meet him at that point for a date. The date went wonderfully. Everything clicked very well. He was about nine years older than me, a father of a teenage daughter, divorced and not. But not recently, and seemed incredibly emotionally mature, sincere, secure and a true southern gentleman, or so it seemed.
I hate these honestly as the months passed by, everything seemed perfect as it could have been. I never been with someone who felt so healthy. There was no drama. It was easy. He was attentive and kind and chivalrous. My friends really liked him, and my family loved him. He was throwing no red flags. And pretty soon, we were a year into the relationship, and everything felt like it was finally supposed to. During our initial dating phase, I was honest with him about my intention for dating and marriage and that I would like to someday have a child of my own, which I think is very healthy. Like, you have to have those conversations absolutely early on. Yeah. And especially for a man who already is older and already has kids, because, like, you don't want to waste his time. You don't want him to waste your time, if that's still something. Because women are the ones that are technically, we're on the clock, you know, like, it's. It's us that are on the clock.
So she says. I gave him every opportunity to tell me if that was no longer on the table for him, since he was older than me, had already been married, and had a daughter who was entering high school. He seemed absolutely sincere when he said he was a man of God and his faith was the driving factor in his life, and he'd always wanted more children. But his divorce from his wife cut that short.
He never once made me feel like our goals and values weren't aligned.
And after about six months of dating, he was insisting that he absolutely knew that one day he would make me his wife.
And, I mean, you're older at that point, so, like, six months of dating, like, you should know. Like, this is the road we. I plan to go down. Things can still happen, but, like, hey, I do plan, like, this road with you. Like, I'm. I Like where our road is leading.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: And dating with intention. Like, right. Know that that's the intention at the end.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: Right.
Which I think people struggle with a lot. And a lot of the stuff that we see on, like, the dating apps, it's just like, these men will be like, I don't know what I'm looking for.
I'm not here to settle down. Like, whatever the case is. And it's like, bro, you're in your 50s. Like,
[00:11:18] Speaker B: I feel like social media is just ruined the dating world in general because it's so easy to just wash away somebody. Like, okay, I'll just swipe left again. Like, it used to be harder. Like, men actually had to go put in the footwork on asking a girl out on a Date, like, getting to know somebody, and now it's like, okay, I didn't like the color of their hair. Swipe.
[00:11:37] Speaker A: Right. And the grass. The thought process of, like, is the grass greener on the other side? Like, oh, my wife's getting on my nerves. She's nagging me. And instead of actually, like, working through it and talking through it and being honest about how you're feeling, it's just like, I don't. They don't want to deal with the confrontation, or they don't want to deal with the fighting, so then they just, like, bounce. And that's not healthy either. So I think that's a huge issue that we have in our society today.
She says, as someone who has never, never felt truly chosen in quotes, I began to let myself sink into a kind of trust and comfort that I had never really felt.
And he asked me to let myself fall and trust him. Insisted I was safe with him, which is why it felt like the ultimate betrayal. To eventually learn this was all a facade.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: I hate that.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: I do, too.
Especially once you feel safe with somebody,
[00:12:29] Speaker B: for them to, like, that's definitely, like, it'll destroy you. Because, like, I mean, you do feel safe. Like, you get in that spot, you're like, finally, I've made it. Yeah. You know, with number two, like, that's how I felt for a while, was finally I found somebody that, like, was treating me right. That, I mean, the best I had ever been treated. And then I find out that he's secretly drinking and, like, that it's like, a huge problem.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: Right? Like, yeah, that's. That's what sucks is, like, when your whole life gets flipped upside down because you trusted somebody who truly made you believe that they were a good person. And then you're like, oh, this was all a lie. Great. So she says the first weird thing was when he called and told me one day that he had a quote, unquote, large deposit of money made into his account that he could not account for. During the conversation, he said he was going down to the bank to figure it out. The story was that the bank had found nothing fraudulent on their end and therefore nothing further would be done. Thousands of dollars supposedly just appeared, and when he looked into it, nothing seemed amiss other than he wasn't sure where it came from exactly and why it didn't sit right with me, because it made no sense. Well, yes. Yeah, that's weird.
So after talking to him about it, the consensus seemed to be to just let the money sit there, and if no one Was saying it was fraud, like, why remove it right away? But it never made any sense. So, like, let it sit there.
And if somebody comes back like, hey, that's my money, then you have the money still there. Because, like, if you spend it and then somebody comes back, then you're like,
[00:13:55] Speaker B: oh, I read something like that on the news.
[00:13:57] Speaker A: Did you?
[00:13:58] Speaker B: Yeah. Where a lady had had money deposited in her account that was not her money, and it was like $40,000 and she blew through it and she went to jail for it because it wasn't her money.
[00:14:07] Speaker A: So that was smart of her to tell him to like, sit on it. But she said the first real warning sign was around the year mark when we started taking seriously finding a place together.
It was a little over an hour commute between us, and the plan was to find somewhere reasonably in between to make both commutes to work still doable for both of them because they both worked in those respective towns. During these discussions, he would make comments about his financial situation not being where he wanted us to be. I didn't immediately think much about it because my financial situation was also a place I didn't love. But I told him we would work through it and figure it out together. We began looking around at houses, speaking with mortgage lenders, trying to plan what we might do with the home that she owned. So she owned a home, it looks like he was renting. So she owned a home. So she's kind of like already one step up in that regard. We even found a house we liked and it was about to go on the market, and took it a trip out there to look at it and speak with the owner. As things seemed to be taking shape, I made an appointment with a mortgage lender in my hometown and told him I'd be meeting with her the following day if he could send me over some of his financial information to go over with her. In the course of our previous conversations, he had given what I thought was an honest account of finances.
I was at work and got off the phone with him to go into a brief meeting. And upon returning, I saw he called me back. I answered. I could tell right away that something was wrong. He then took a deep breath and told me that he lied to me about his finances. Like, why do they do this?
[00:15:28] Speaker B: Right?
Cuz.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: Right, like, just tell the truth. Like, I'm broke.
Like I. And you know what? Like, if that stops you, stops a girl from dating you, then, like, that's fine. But like, don't be honest with her with women. So that they don't have to find out later because it's gonna make it worse, right?
[00:15:44] Speaker B: Absolutely. Like, because nobody wants to be lied to about it either, especially at this point.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: They've been together, like, a year or more, so that's ridiculous, she says. And he began to tell me that what he had told me was only about half of it. His debts was much greater, his accounts were almost double, and he was not making payments on some of them that he should have been. Oh, so that's going to screw up your credit.
[00:16:07] Speaker B: Oh, 100%.
[00:16:09] Speaker A: I sat there in stunned silence as the devastation washed over me. This man admitted to lying to me and lying to me deeply. After so many months of feeling great about everything. Of course, I was sick to my stomach. He began profusely apologizing, saying how embarrassed he was and how he wasn't proud of himself and that this with the last and final time, he was dishonest with her.
For days after, she felt deflated and talked to her friends and her mother. Most everyone told me money is a hard thing and to give him a chance, since it was the first time he had ever done anything like this in the relationship, which is true. Like, that's hard, right? Like, you've been together a year, and this is the first big red flag, and it is a big one.
[00:16:44] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%.
[00:16:46] Speaker A: But, like, you know, I fell in love with somebody who didn't have a lot of money, and I was the breadwinner, and I paid for everything. And, yes, it came back and really bit me in the end. But at the time, I was like, I don't care if he's poor, because I love this man and he treated me well, so I wanted to be with him regardless.
So that. That's really hard. But she says that she chose to forgive him and move forward on the condition that he show her the true scope of his finances, which is fair. Yeah.
[00:17:15] Speaker B: Be upfront, honest about it, so.
[00:17:16] Speaker A: So that they can be honest going forward. Absolutely. After that things, it seems to be right back on track again.
We were best friends, spoke all the time. Intimacy was great, and we never argued. Every concern I seemed to have, he met with patience and compassion. We were meeting families for holidays and trips. He even sat my mother down during a Christmas vacation and asked permission to marry me. I was taking time off work to attend sporting tournaments for his daughter on many weekends. And when his father passed away, I was there with his family through not one, but two memorial services. And months ticked by. It eventually turned into almost two years, and every Time marriage or engagement came up. It was. I was met with the reassurance it's coming, I'm not going anywhere. Etc. This last summer attended for the second time a family annual lake trip. Everything seemed completely normal aside from his family being a little stressed out because it was the first one without the father. Which makes sense. Yeah, like that's absolutely got to be hard. I was there for him and supported him while his mom was driving him crazy and his brother and sister in law got an argument with him about food and money. So it sounds like money has been an issue in this family.
Yeah, for. For a minute. We returned from the trip and were together for a couple weeks. I had spent a great weekend with him for unknowingly the last time and had been home and back to work for a day when he called me one evening earlier than we normally spoke. Almost immediately he started to blurt out, I've been lying to you about money and haven't actually been saving or putting aside for our future the way I told you I was. And the money I said I had is pretty much all gone. I spent it and I have a problem and if I'm being honest, it was always a problem and was probably the reason for my divorce and I will just ruin your life.
So he spent all those thousands of dollars like on what?
Because if you're not spending it on the ring that you asked her mother for permission to marry her and like probably talk to friends and stuff like, but you weren't planning to buy her a ring with that money, what did you spend? Like prostitute, like what are you. Prostitution. Like what are you spending the money on? Because that's where my mind goes. Gambling. Gambling, prostitution are usually like the common ones. So like what were you spending your life on? And I mean like shame on you sir, for being like in your late 40s and knowing you have a problem but not doing anything to try to fix it. Like don't you want to better your life? Like if that is a pro, like the reason for your first divorce. One, you should have told her that in the first place, that your first divorce fell apart because you don't know how to use money and finances. And two, for you to just like throw that on her and say I'll probably ruin your life. Like that's not for you to decide. Like give her all the facts, let her decide. But you don't get to decide for her.
[00:19:57] Speaker B: Right.
[00:19:59] Speaker A: So that's weird.
She says. After a few stunned seconds, I realized this was the end.
This was a Breakup with a man who assured me time and time again that I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. There was a lot of worry about that anymore because he kept telling her that she was safe, that they were. He wasn't going anywhere. And for two years to constantly do that, especially when, you know, a woman is in her, you know, mid-30s and wants children.
[00:20:27] Speaker B: Right.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: So we're just wasting her years of her life.
[00:20:30] Speaker B: And you know that that's not the future you plan to give her.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: Shame on you, sir.
[00:20:33] Speaker B: That's horrible.
[00:20:34] Speaker A: Like, that's, to me, one of the most, like, disgusting things you can do. Because as somebody who's child free by choice, like, I would never be okay with, like, taking that choice away from somebody. Because that's something women truly should think about and know if they want. Especially I feel like in your mid,
[00:20:51] Speaker B: in like your 30s, you're definitely thinking about it and deciding if that's the decision you want.
[00:20:55] Speaker A: Yeah. If that's the path you're going to go down and everything like that. And, and when you decide it is, I'm sure there's a lot of stress that comes with that.
[00:21:02] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: To be able to, to go through that. There's a lot of crying and yelling and disbelief on her part before she finally just hung up and let it sink in. The following days and weeks, there was a lot of calling, phone calls with friends, a lot of working to distract myself. I decided I needed some more answers than what he had given me in a one breakup phone call. Also that he broke up with her on a phone call after two years.
[00:21:27] Speaker B: Two years and you're breaking up on
[00:21:29] Speaker A: the phone and you had just gone on a trip with his family who was having their own issues. Was he drinking? I don't know. Maybe. But he's drunk. Like, why would you.
The respect, like, that's so disrespectful to break up via phone. Like, I think a lot of people in general, but a lot of men especially, they hate confrontation. And as somebody who loves it, it's hard for me to understand. But I also, like, but still, like, you need to have enough respect for your significant other that you've been with that long. Right. To have the hard conversations, like, you have to have those conversations. You can't just be like, well, peace, I've been lying to you. Bye.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: Broke up with number two on the phone, but he was in New Mexico.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Well, that. And also number two had an alcohol problem and there was a lot going on there. Like this was a healthy or Seemingly healthy relationship where he eventually, he basically just lied to her for two straight years and made her feel like they were in a healthy, committed relationship. And then for him all of a sudden to just like break up with her, like that's disgusting.
So she requested to sit down with him because she felt like she deserved more answers. Which I mean fair cuz we don't, we all, we all want closure. The problem is we don't usually get it. So he agreed. But I ultimate. But I ultimately landed in the hospital with a heart rate issue from stress. On the day we were supposed to meet, we rescheduled and I was finally able to sit down with him and ask him all the things I have been questioning in my head that made no sense. So this girl ended up in the freaking hospital.
Like if you're that stressed out because like you love this man and they did this to you, like that's the thing that drives me nuts. Like I feel like men never do this. Like it's just women.
[00:23:11] Speaker B: Oh yeah.
[00:23:11] Speaker A: They're the ones that end up in the hospital and like struggling because of this.
She met him in public and the first question was about money. What actually was the truth about the mysterious money? Like, yeah, where did that money come from?
The money he claimed to have blown through because he has a problem, in so many words. He told her that it was no longer her business. Oh. And to this day I have no idea if the money was real or fraudulent. And then while still trying to make himself out to be broken, sad, good guy, he proceeded to tell me over the course of the conversation that he just realized there were things about her that he, he needed to be different. Things that made no sense whatsoever. He said she was too introverted around her family.
I'm sorry sir, in two years you didn't know that she was an introvert.
[00:23:57] Speaker B: Right?
[00:23:59] Speaker A: Like, and she even said it in the beginning of this thing like I'm an introvert. And like yeah, she, I don't think she hides that. So for her to like, for him to say that like too introverted around his family, he's insinuating that she came off as rude. Which is insane because apparently his mother was like losing it one day and was like walking around like half naked and she like felt uncomfortable so she just like went and sat like outside.
Yeah, to get away. Yeah, to get away from the craziness and the fighting between like the brother and sister in laws and stuff.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Like why would she want to be there?
[00:24:36] Speaker A: Right. She doesn't want to be around that I don't blame her. And so she went out there and so because of that it made her too introverted. Like I'm sorry, I'm not going to get involved in your family's drama.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: So would be out there. Actually I probably would have called a friend to come get me.
[00:24:49] Speaker A: Like I, I love conflict, but I'm not gonna go into somebody else's family's conflict. Like I'm gonna be like, hey, this is where I excuse myself. It's just because she. They're not married.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: Right.
[00:24:58] Speaker A: He hasn't proposed. They're not married. Like even if they were, like it
[00:25:02] Speaker B: really don't have anything to do.
[00:25:03] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:03] Speaker B: Like, like why would she want to be there for that?
[00:25:05] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:05] Speaker B: And why does she want to see his mother naked or half.
[00:25:07] Speaker A: Yeah, that's weird.
That's very strange. It sounds like honestly that she dodged a bullet because his family sounds insane.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: Yeah, literally.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: And you do marry the family. So he said he never felt like he could satisfy her sexually. Even though there had been zero issues or discussion around intimacy the entire to your relationship.
[00:25:27] Speaker B: Sounds like he's just making up excuses like because he doesn't want to explain his money issue and he was probably drunk when he called her and told her all of that.
[00:25:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:36] Speaker B: And now he actually has to explain himself.
[00:25:38] Speaker A: Yeah. And he doesn't want to. As he continued to point out these quote unquote issues with me, it dawned on me that this man is just so full of his own shame and which Fair, fair that he has to place the blame back on her for his inability to be honest during the relationship. He's the kind of man who has to get his self worth from someone else thinking he is something special because he's so broken that he will weave whatever kind of fantasy he can for as long as he can to keep that validation around until he can't keep it up anymore.
And after I heard all that and his nonsensical reasons, I walked away and never spoke to him again.
Which. Good for her.
[00:26:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:22] Speaker A: That really sucks because when you think that you found your person and they're a good person and especially like the God fearing thing. Oh yeah. And everything. And like if that is important to you. And it seems like this man used God a lot in his like conversations with her and which probably made her
[00:26:40] Speaker B: feel like she could trust him even more.
[00:26:42] Speaker A: Right. And you know, it all turns out to be a lie.
And like especially once you start integrating your lives, like if you're integrating your church and everything else and then you like split up like that's two years of your life. It's like, you know, relationships are a risk right there. Love is a risk. That's always a risk. But like, when does the risk.
Because like, for me personally, it's not worth it. Like in the place that I'm currently in, it is not worth the risk because I have great friends and family.
I'm living a great life. I'm not missing that piece because it's not worth the risk to go through that again. Because like, if a, if a good guy who her entire family, all her friends loved can do this, any man can. And I've talked to my therapist about that. Like, literally any man can.
[00:27:29] Speaker B: And I like, yeah, any man can. But the right one won't.
[00:27:33] Speaker A: Right? But then you gotta find the right one.
[00:27:36] Speaker B: Finding the right one. And that's what's incredibly hard. Because I mean, we've talked about it before where women are married to somebody for 20, 30 years and their husband cheats.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: And I. And I think a self worth thing that men are struggling with, I don't know, the validation thing. Like, people need to learn to find their own validation within themselves.
[00:27:55] Speaker B: Absolutely. 100.
[00:27:57] Speaker A: That's what your girlfriend's for.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: 100.
[00:27:59] Speaker A: Like, that's why we tell each other we're pretty all the time.
[00:28:01] Speaker B: Right. Like, I feel like girls are so good about like backing each other up. Um, and I think that like men, they just need to really like focus in on like what's important to them because they always have regrets. Like, everybody I know that's cheated live and regret now, like, they're like, oh, I wish I hadn't done that. I separated my family. I did this and I did that.
Okay, well then why did you?
[00:28:21] Speaker A: Right? And then a lot of them, a big percentage of them do it again, which is insane. Why are you doing this again? And it's like, because they just. Something happens and they just can't be happy or they feel like within this guy's, whoever Michael is sounds like a tool.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Jerk.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: He had money issues. And instead of just being honest to me, like, hey, I need you to be in control of the finances because I'm not good at them.
[00:28:47] Speaker B: Right? Yeah.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Like, that's not a hard thing.
[00:28:50] Speaker B: That's easy. Like, that's what like me and number two had talked about because he wasn't good with it.
[00:28:54] Speaker A: Yeah. So I was in charge of the money with dick. Like, I. It's just, it normally is one person that's in charge. Because if two people are trying to pay bills that Gets really confusing.
[00:29:02] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:29:03] Speaker A: So, like, usually one person is in charge of the bills. So, like, if you're getting ready to buy a house together and combine lives and everything, like, it makes sense you would have those conversations. So for him not to be honest that entire time and, like, she was going as far as to, like, meet with, like, mortgage lenders.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:18] Speaker A: That's just, it's, it really is a shame because I'm sure she is now in a situation where she's similar to us, where, like, when you've been burned that bad, especially, like the last ones that burn you that bad, you're just like, I'm good, like, for a while. And they wonder why women are choosing to stay single. It's like, yes, we can't say that every man is going to burn us. But when you constantly hear these stories where we, in, in our situations, we were with guys we thought were good guys and they turned out not to be.
[00:29:45] Speaker B: Yeah, it's really hard when there aren't many men out there that, like, really prove to you that good men still exist. Right. I tell my therapist all the time, I'm like, you know, for me, like, it was easy to fall into the abusive relationship that I was first in because I didn't really know any good men.
[00:30:01] Speaker A: Right.
[00:30:03] Speaker B: So, like, like my grandfather, he's a good man, but he also lived in, down in South Florida. I didn't see him often, so I just didn't know any good men, like, growing up. So then, like, I didn't know what to expect either.
[00:30:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:30:16] Speaker B: I thought we just settled.
[00:30:18] Speaker A: It's crazy.
[00:30:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: Well, another week, another episode. Keep sending your episodes in. We'll keep talking about them. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button if you're on YouTub or on any of our platforms. Wherever you're listening to this and go, give us a follow on all our socials. Instagram, TikTok, all Facebook. They're all spill the tea unfiltered. And you will see some changes coming up on all our socials.
So have a great week, guys. Bye. This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
