Episode Transcript
[00:00:13] Bree: Welcome back to Spill the Tea.
[00:00:15] Lauren: HSV with Lauren and Bree.
This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000, or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
Hey, Bree.
[00:00:48] Bree: Hey, Lauren.
[00:00:49] Lauren: How are you doing?
[00:00:51] Bree: I'm good. How are you?
[00:00:52] Lauren: You know, I'm doing all right.
I'm doing all right.
It's been a wild day.
[00:00:58] Bree: Yeah, it's been a crazy day for sure. So what news do you have for us?
[00:01:03] Lauren: So, you know, it's crazy. Dick is having to go hours outside of the city now to date. Yeah. And it's funny. Cause, like, I don't even do anything. Like, I literally do nothing. I'm not even in these groups. And people send me his photos that he's being posted in these groups, and I'm like, wow, that's crazy. And people are like, hey, no. Like, he's a serial cheater. He, you know, hides children and all this stuff. And actually today we had somebody who reached out from somewhere two hours away, and they were supposed to meet up with him on Sunday, and they confronted him when they found out his response about him cheating and about kids and about him owing me money and everything, and his response was just, believe what you want. Have a good day.
[00:01:44] Bree: The classic line from a narcissist.
[00:01:46] Lauren: Yeah, he literally, believe what you want. He literally didn't even try to defend it or do anything. So, yeah, it's crazy because he didn't even. That's wild.
[00:01:54] Bree: That's just wild. I mean, he knows what he's done and the fact that other women and other people know about it two hours from here. Like, I hope it just keeps going further and further.
[00:02:04] Lauren: Yeah, me too. Because at this point, like, at least own who you are. Own that you're a bad person. Own that you're a cheater. Own that you hide children and you don't care about the children that you do tell people about.
Um, since. Especially since he's only telling people about one of his kids. So, like, not even the other one that actually lived with me, too. Like, that stayed at my house. He's not even claiming that kid. So I'm like, at least tell the truth. Like, be like, I'm a bad dad and I'm a bad person, and I Owe my ex a lot of money, but I've decided I just don't want to pay her. And making her still go through court.
[00:02:34] Bree: Systems, that would be too easy for.
[00:02:35] Lauren: Him to do, I guess. But I'm like, at least own it. Like, stop trying to act like you're a good guy.
[00:02:40] Bree: You're shit. If you're shit, just say it.
[00:02:42] Lauren: Amen. Amen. So but that was our story. That was the news we have. We, Bree and I are taking a little break from even looking at dating sites at this point because it's just exhausting. It's trash.
So. But today we have Sarah with us.
[00:02:56] Bree: We do. Hi, Sarah.
[00:02:57] Sarah: Hello.
[00:02:58] Lauren: Sarah actually connects to Samara's story with Brad.
[00:03:03] Bree: She does.
[00:03:04] Lauren: So we are going to get started on that. So Sarah, tell us about Brad.
[00:03:08] Sarah: Yeah, so him and I met our freshman year high school. He was one, I think my first boyfriend when I was in high school. As all I feel like high school relationships, if you can call them that were. It was super short lived.
So then we just coexisted as you know. That goes so fast forward what a few years later and I can't remember which site it was on, but he had reached out, I think it was Facebook and was like, hey, I'm going to be in town. Like I'd love to catch up if you are open to it. Like, okay, sure. What, you know, what could this hurt? It's been years. So we went out and hit it off really well and it just kind of kept going from there.
Everything went pretty quickly back to all the time when he left town then. So he was in the military, so he was to go back to his duty station.
So we continued like video chatting, talking on the phone every single day. And then quickly progressed from there to an engagement and then to get married shortly after. So that was. We did just like a really quick courthouse.
[00:04:26] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:04:26] Sarah: Wedding.
[00:04:27] Lauren: I feel like that's common for military.
[00:04:28] Sarah: Yeah. And with that, it was not so much that we were just trying to rush it. It was more that we were doing it because he was going to be gone for a while and we wanted to save money and do something really big when he got back.
So that's what we did. We sat there and we planned what we could. And then when he came back, we had our big ceremony and then I moved over to be with him. But in that planning process is kind of when I was like, oh crap, did I get myself into something, you know? You know, get myself in over my head because like throughout the process of trying to plan now, mind you, he was in the middle of an ocean on a boat. So it's not like we could just pick up the phone and call. It was email waiting till they had service again. So I had to be patient for like planning and stuff. But there would be, if like an issue arose, be like, hey, if this, we need to take care of this, like how do you want me to take care of that? And I just started getting some messages back that were. I was like, well, that could have been handled better, but okay.
Um, and just certain things that had me questioning and I couldn't, you know, put my finger on it or remember specifically now, but.
[00:05:40] Bree: So was he starting to become disrespectful during that period?
[00:05:43] Sarah: A little bit. But it was more like brushing me off. Or his mom started to step in, she wanted to help with planning. Okay, fine. But then she would spin things differently where I had like messages from vendors and I would show them what they had said and it was not what she was saying, but it would be my issue.
I was like, okay, well and to.
[00:06:08] Lauren: Clarify for our listeners, you were his, you were his first wife. Samara was hers. His second wife.
[00:06:14] Sarah: Third.
[00:06:15] Lauren: Third wife, yeah. Okay, so all right, so there's another one we gotta, we need to get on.
[00:06:24] Sarah: So yeah, mother in law wanted to help plan some things. The things that she was paying for, which was she offered to pay for the photographs, but she wanted to choose a photographer then too. But I was like, well if you're paying for it, then I think it's fair that you help pick. That just seemed fair to me. There's just a few things with that. It would not have been my choice just because vibing we didn't vibe as well as I would have loved. But she had beautiful work. So I was like, okay, cool.
But just like small things like that that like I would see interjections and I was like, oh, well, I feel like as your wife and you're telling me that you love me so much and all this, like you would think that you'd at least want to hear me out.
But I didn't feel like that at all. But I was like, okay. And mind you, beforehand, like everything was like all sunshine and roses, which, you know, didn't raise any.
Yeah. So like, you know, sent some flowers. Let me help you with this. Let me, I'm going to send this to you. But all just, you know, nice. Lovey dovey. Go check out my sunset at work today. Send me a picture of, you know, a sunset from a really cool view. So we go ahead, we have the wedding. Everything was okay. I mean, you could feel some of the tension, but I mean, nobody to the outside really was aware of that.
[00:07:50] Lauren: Right.
[00:07:51] Sarah: So I go ahead, I move quite far to go be with him.
It was like either the last week of October or first week of November when I had moved and he had gotten us a small little two bedroom apartment that was super close to his work. When I got there, there was salt and pepper and a couple of pans pretty much in the cupboards.
[00:08:17] Lauren: Typical man.
[00:08:18] Sarah: So I'm like, okay, you know, not a big deal. Except for he signed me up to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal for his entire unit.
[00:08:29] Lauren: Hell no.
[00:08:30] Bree: With salt and pepper.
[00:08:32] Sarah: So I had to go out, buy all the things for that. I. I did it. It was really fun. I enjoy cooking. So other than having like a whole bunch of stuff that I did by myself for 20 plus people, you know, it was, it was kind of fun. Everything turned out really good.
[00:08:50] Lauren: Well, that's good.
[00:08:52] Sarah: But things like that of like, you know, being signed up for things without being asked or anything like that, with high expectations and didn't even have the stuff to do it with at the time.
[00:09:05] Bree: Did he offer to help?
[00:09:06] Sarah: Nope. Or like, he, here's another wife that you can, you know, hook up with. Maybe you guys could coordinate. Nothing like that.
I had met one person, they lived across the street and she was really cool. I actually still talk to her now, but no help. Nothing like that.
She's like, oh, okay, that's interesting. But okay. And then everything was good up until about Christmas. And I couldn't tell you what it was about Christmas Eve, and it was specifically Christmas Eve. We had gone to a Christmas Eve service with some other people and we got home and everything had been good. And he flipped and was like, so pissed at me.
[00:09:51] Bree: What?
[00:09:51] Sarah: I honestly don't remember what it could even have been like. We were at church. Of all the places, like, I.
I couldn't tell you. But it came to where, like, he started coming and grabbing some of my belongings and throwing them out the front door.
Was like, sounds like he needs to.
[00:10:10] Bree: Go back to church.
[00:10:11] Sarah: Yes.
And not only that, but it was sentimental things. Like he took pieces that had belonged to, like, my dad or had been given to me after my dad passed away. My dad passed away when I was in high school, and he was very aware of that fact since he went to the same high school with me. And then our conversations. But things that he knew would be hurtful to throw out are the things that he, like, threw out there.
[00:10:39] Lauren: Well, we're sorry for your loss.
[00:10:41] Sarah: Thank you. I hate that.
Yeah. So that was like, oh, okay. And I want to say he brought up, like, divorce at that point. We'd been married for one year, but living together for two months. I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, how is this even a thing?
[00:10:58] Bree: So he picks one heck of a holiday.
[00:11:00] Sarah: Yeah, no kidding. Geez. Yeah, it was quite. It was quite the Christmas. But then, I mean, he. He had brought up, like, divorce.
And we managed to, like, talk it out that, okay, like, we'll work on this, because, like, how are you going to just quit without ever, you know, working on something? And so we did. And then we had another, like, big thing. And so when it would come, it would be little things that happened that would make him, like, go off. And in the beginning, too. Like, it wasn't constant. It was pretty far and few in between. So I'm like, okay, you know, we got through the new year. We got through, you know, until spring. We had gotten a puppy, so things like that. I started taking the dog to training every single weekend.
But it was just me. I'm the only one who ever went to trainings. And he wanted the dog to be trained as a protection dog. So it was very specified training. It wasn't just obedience and that type of thing. And he ended up, I wanna say, going away then for some training or something like that. So I had continued while he was gone. And part of his reasoning, supposedly, was, I want you to be protected when I'm gone. I mean, I've never had an issue before, but. Okay, you know, with the potential of, like, moving anywhere in the world, kind of, you know. Yeah, sure. Okay. But I was just happy to have a dog. I grew up with animals, and who doesn't love a dog, right? And he was a good boy. He was such a good boy.
[00:12:37] Lauren: What kind was he?
[00:12:38] Sarah: He was a Rottweiler.
[00:12:40] Lauren: Nice.
[00:12:40] Bree: I hope he came in handy for you. I really do.
[00:12:43] Sarah: Yeah.
I mean, where we lived, it was not a bad neighborhood, but it could have been better. Um, and I definitely noticed walking with him, people gave me a little extra distance.
Um, and he was so friendly, so it wasn't even a big deal. Plus, you know, we had gone to the training, but eventually we ended up moving houses to live on base, which was fine for the house version, but Rottweilers are not allowed on base. Um, really? Just about any.
Yeah. So just about any military base. They are a restricted breed.
You think he would know that he's like, we did. I was concerned about it.
He was not. He was like, just walk him at night. He's black. He'll blend in. It's like, oh, okay. So somehow it became completely my job to do all the walks, pretty much all the runnings. So I took him on, which I. I didn't mind. It kept me. Kept me active. But he started, like, egging him on, trying to get the reactions from him that I guess, technically a guard dog could or should have. But it was counterintuitive to all of his trainings. So everything that the trainers said not to do were the things that he was doing. Trying to, like, egg him on, trying to get him to get riled up or provoke a bite. He's. This is not how, you know, we're supposed to go about this. I was like, do you want to come to training with me? And, you know, we can. You can see, you know, what we're working on and all this kind of stuff. And he's like, no, it's fine, but he's just a pussy. Excuse the language, but. Because he wouldn't. He wouldn't, like, fight back.
[00:14:27] Lauren: We're an expensive podcast, so you're good.
[00:14:31] Sarah: I was like, okay. I was like, well, he's not. But that's not, you know, how he's supposed to react. You know, it's supposed to be for protection, not for just shits and giggles.
[00:14:41] Bree: What normal person would do that? Like, to try to instigate a dog to make them bite you, like. No normal person.
[00:14:47] Sarah: Yeah, he would. And usually it would be, like, with a towel, and he would, like, wind it up and, like, kind of, like, shoo it at him, I guess is.
[00:14:56] Lauren: It's hard to, like, like, try to, like, pop him or something. Like, try to get him.
[00:14:59] Sarah: Yeah, and sometimes he would, like, get him, but it was more to, like, get his attention, get him to more, like, bite the towel than it was to, you know, obviously, like, bite him, because nobody wants to actually be a bit. But things like that riling him up, poking at him, like, physically. And so, I mean, that ended up causing a few arguments. And then by that time I was working, he had left a couple of times. So working, taking care of the dog, which is not a huge responsibility. It's like, a pretty standard one for somebody who has, like, no kids.
But the training's, like, every weekend, all that kind of stuff.
And he started wanting me to, like, meal prep for him.
[00:15:39] Lauren: So he wanted a mom, not a partner.
[00:15:41] Sarah: Yeah, he. So I did all of It. I did all the cleaning. So I started noticing, like, oh, well, this wasn't done. Well, this wasn't done. Okay, well, I did all these other things and I'm working full time. You could help out. No.
[00:15:53] Lauren: What a.
[00:15:53] Sarah: What a. Yeah, I was like, you know, we live in this house together. You can help me do the dishes.
[00:15:58] Bree: He sounds like a close relative to my second ex husband.
[00:16:01] Sarah: Very close. And, you know, back. I would say back then I was like, pretty feisty, but also feisty. Like, if you're gonna say something, I'm probably gonna say something back.
[00:16:12] Bree: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:16:14] Sarah: Yeah. Like, nobody likes to just be provoked.
So it was just dumb stuff like that. But I eventually started taking classes online. I wanted to go into a different career field, which had always been on my to do list. And he was constantly telling me, because the job that I got when we were at that duty station was temporary. It was just something to get a job, Breeng in money.
And we weren't supposed to be there longer than, I think, like six months. He was supposed to be getting orders to go somewhere else. So the job that I had at the time was something that was licensed. And in order to get licensed in that state, I had to retake my exam.
And there was no exams for the rest of the year when I had gotten there, and then none posted for the following year. So I just got a job that would hold us over and then it got extended. So I was like, okay, well, I already have this job, so I'll just stay here. But since it's not a long extension, I don't have time to do the things I need to be able to make this job work.
So not a big deal. I was like, okay, it's fine. I'll go back to it whenever we move. And then I was like, oh, you know what, I'll just go to school and then I can do this wherever we go.
I was then going to school full time online for somewhere that was multiple time zones away. So I would be up at like three in the mornings to attend class, then go to work, come home, take care of the dog, cook dinner, all that kind of stuff, and do my coursework.
Um, and so there was one night that I was doing my schoolwork and I was sitting. We had like an island and we had chairs there. And we had been going back and forth quite a bit at that point. And he went and laid down on the couch, which, okay, not a big deal. I'm just sitting at the computer and doing my work. Um, the next thing I Know, he's like yelling at me that I need to go somewhere else to go do my schoolwork because he's trying to go to sleep.
Boo hoo.
Okay, well, I'm finishing up my. My assignment, but why don't you go upstairs and go to one of the bedrooms? Because at this point it had gotten to where we weren't really sharing a bedroom very often because I needed like, we needed the space from each other. It was constant arguments over the smallest little things.
He got so upset that I even, you know, brought up that he should go somewhere else because it was his house and he could sleep wherever he wanted to. Well, yes, you're right. I've been here for hours doing my stuff. You just got home and if you're tired, go to bed.
[00:19:05] Bree: When you're married, that is Yalls house, not just his.
[00:19:09] Sarah: Yeah, but there's a stipend with military where you get part of your housing paid for or your housing paid for when you live on base. And that was in his paycheck, so he covered that.
So that was his. The way he saw it.
[00:19:23] Lauren: Right?
[00:19:24] Sarah: Yeah. And he got so that he was like screaming at me. And then of course, I stood up for myself and would argue back and all that while he would start then throwing things, like, at me. And some of them would hit and leave marks, which. It shouldn't be flippant, but I wish there was more of that because bruises heal. And the things that verbally he would tell me were. They have lasting effects.
[00:19:50] Lauren: Yes.
[00:19:51] Sarah: There's things that I still hear very clearly of, like sentences that he had. And at the time where we were arguing all of the time, I started recording them because of the things that he was saying to Good for you. Such as wanting to drown me and leave me for the fish. Talking about, you know, like we lived near an ocean and how he could just easily make me disappear.
[00:20:17] Lauren: So this is a pattern because he did this to Samara too.
[00:20:22] Bree: So it started with you.
[00:20:24] Sarah: Not only would he tell me, like, how worthless and dumb and that kind of thing, but he would start telling me things like that, or that he bets my family wishes that I had died instead of my dad or, holy.
[00:20:40] Bree: Shit, you're a better person than I am.
[00:20:43] Sarah: Really, really cruel things.
[00:20:45] Lauren: That's awful. That is.
[00:20:47] Bree: Yeah.
[00:20:47] Sarah: You're all right.
[00:20:49] Bree: So it started with the verbal abuse, and then it started becoming physical whenever he began throwing things at you.
[00:20:56] Sarah: Mm. Yeah. He would. He would usually try to be careful, to be like, oh, well, I didn't put hands on you, so Then like, if he would, he would, like, back me up against a wall, but then he would hit the wall next to me.
So would it be. I could never say, like, oh, well, he hit me. No, but you used other items to try to hurt me anyway.
[00:21:18] Lauren: Yeah, to physically harm.
[00:21:19] Bree: There's no physical violence.
[00:21:20] Sarah: To intimidate and make yourself big and things like that. Um, and then.
[00:21:26] Bree: Was he short?
[00:21:27] Sarah: Was he short?
[00:21:28] Bree: Was he short?
[00:21:29] Sarah: Yes.
[00:21:29] Bree: Oh, there we go. This is why I have a height requirement.
I saw that coming.
[00:21:35] Sarah: Thanks. Yeah.
Or I also feel like he would try to disguise things as like, oh, here, let me help you.
They do some self defense classes, if you will, in the military. And he was like, oh, I learned this new move today.
Let me teach you. But instead of, like actually teaching me, I was like, oh, let me show you how it's done. Oh, crap. Well, I just got the wind knocked out of me because you looked me real quick and I was not expecting that. And I was like, yeah, I'm not doing this with you anymore.
[00:22:05] Bree: Like, yeah, let me try it on you.
[00:22:07] Sarah: Now you're teaching me.
[00:22:08] Bree: Let me practice.
[00:22:09] Sarah: And so I'm like, that. That did nothing to teach me other than like, I don't want to do this with you. That's what that taught me. So, yeah, I did not continue with any of those, but that was like closer to the beginning. And if I backtrack a little bit. In our first home, this was probably right around that Christmas blowup. He. I don't remember how he did it, but when I lived in the other, like in our hometown, I purchased a gun for him because it wasn't hard to do over there.
So I had purchased that. I did all the things I needed to fly with it, all that kind of things. I grew up around guns, so that wasn't like, yeah, a big thing for me.
[00:22:52] Bree: Yeah, it's just normal.
[00:22:53] Sarah: Yeah, yeah.
[00:22:54] Lauren: We're in the South. That's normal here too.
[00:22:56] Sarah: Yeah, I know a lot of places is. Not everybody's comfortable with them, but I was like, okay, whatever. Like, cool, like we can go shooting together, things like that. And I remember that I had hold myself up in our bedroom and he had thankfully gone for a walk, but he had already threatened me with it. And I don't remember what he said, but with that threat, I was like, okay, well, I'm going to keep this close to me because not only did you threaten me, but now you left the house in a foul mood and we also live in a crap neighborhood, so. Okay. And since you don't have a key. I don't really have a choice but to leave a door open right now. And nothing came of it other than like when he did come in, I had fallen asleep, but the door like flew open. So I did jump up to like see what was going on.
But the gun was never true or anything like that. But that turned into later that I had held a gun at him and things like that. I was like, no, it was just within my vicinity. It was never pointed or anything like that. So he tried to use that as.
[00:24:07] Lauren: Like, did he call the police? And like say that?
[00:24:09] Sarah: Not at that time. So not at that time. So we'll have to. I'll come back to that, I guess.
[00:24:15] Lauren: Okay.
[00:24:15] Sarah: It's a little flip floppy if you little messy. So as well as in that first house, I also found out that he was having conversations with somebody else that were inappropriate. Like nature.
It was not somebody that was local, but he had gone home because he was getting ready to go on a deployment. And he went on a pre deployment leave for like a week. And I had stayed. I had stayed there. I didn't go. When he came back, his phone password was changed. And so I was like, okay, well, that's odd because you were sharing it with me prior to. You'd be like, oh, can you check my phone? Okay, yeah, sure.
[00:24:55] Lauren: Like here, number one sign right there. As soon as their passcodes change, I.
[00:25:02] Sarah: Figured out the passcode real quick and then looked at the text messages. And so I was like, okay, so confronted him and that was a big thing.
We got over that. And then fast forward now to the new house. He's getting ready to deploy again.
And this is when one of his major episodes of like yelling, throwing things, hitting the wall next to me, he would also. That was one of the times, like he would rile up the dog, trying to get the dog to get involved.
Or then he. He did end up hitting and kicking the dog while he was in those moods.
[00:25:47] Lauren: No.
[00:25:47] Bree: Oh, hell no.
[00:25:49] Sarah: Yeah, so the poor dog was scared of him because that's all he would, he would do that and then he'd be like, oh, come here, come snuggle me for come cuddle me or whatever. He would say he don't want to come by you.
You just were being mean to him and yelling at him.
[00:26:05] Lauren: And you know who else abuses dogs?
[00:26:07] Sarah: Want to be by you either?
[00:26:08] Lauren: Serial killers. Yeah.
[00:26:11] Sarah: Yeah. And so right before he left again, pre deployment leave, he goes home, comes back, password's changed. Like, okay, I'm already leaning Towards I don't want to be with you. He comes home, and I'm like, okay, so this password is changed. I'm gonna find it again. So I did. And he went up for a shower, left his phone on the couch. And so I got into it and found out that he was talking to somebody yet again who he had seen when he went back home because it was a whole separate person. And so I, like, got my proof that I needed and waited for him to be done and confronted him again about it. And he was like, well, if you think I'm bad, you should see him. Don't you dare tell because you're going to break up a family. Are you really willing to do that? And I'm like, well, they have the right to know if you're talking to his wife like that. He's like, well. And he repeated himself like, if you think I'm bad, then you should see how he his or you should see him like, okay. So that had me second guessing things. But at that point we were like, okay, we're not going through with this. I'm not doing this anymore. And so we were sort of civil and trying to figure out, okay, how are we going to proceed with this? You're literally deploying in like a few days. So we'll deal with it when you get back. But when you get back, we are not staying married. So we, like, wrote out some things of how we were going to split our assets. Again, trying to be civil and me in the back of my head knowing, like, this other person has no idea. This person is somebody who. Both of them were very close to him. He had lived with them, he was very involved while he lived with them with, like, their child.
And they had been in our wedding as well. So it wasn't just somebody who, like, he went and met back up with. This was somebody that he had a long history with as supposedly just friends.
And so it always starts.
[00:28:17] Lauren: And this is why women and men cannot be friends.
[00:28:21] Sarah: So we go through, he deploys, and I'm navigating like, okay, I'm starting to divide our stuff, get things prepped. And meanwhile, you know, I'm just going through the motions of working and all of that. And it was sort of close to when he was supposed to be coming back. But military, you never have an exact D until they. They can tell you, like, right before. And being that we weren't really on much speaking terms, I had no clue when he was going to be home other than a very vague time frame. And I Wake up one morning to banging on our front door. Like, what in the world? Like, it's six o' clock in the morning. Why is someone banging on my door like this? So I get up and at this time, I also had another dog.
We had gotten another dog before. We had decided to split. Went.
And so I had.
Which also freaking amazing dog. And I go downstairs and I just see all this gear dropped on our front door. So he was back, but he came, banged on the door and dropped his stuff and walked away again. So I'm like, what in the world? He's like, well, you didn't come down right away. Like, what are you, somebody else? Like, you got somebody holding.
[00:29:38] Lauren: Here we go.
[00:29:38] Bree: I put that in the trash can.
[00:29:40] Sarah: Always.
[00:29:41] Lauren: They always blame everybody else.
[00:29:43] Sarah: I'm like, no, I was sleeping at 6:00'. Clock. Like, use your key. You can come in. Like, yeah.
[00:29:50] Bree: Like any normal person would do.
[00:29:52] Sarah: Yeah. Or, you know, any other way.
And so I was like, okay, well, you're back.
[00:30:02] Bree: Welcome home.
[00:30:03] Sarah: Yeah, welcome home. So it was just a whole bunch more of like those accusations and things like that. And how it was such a slow blood and like, okay. For doing absolutely nothing, taking care of the house, taking now two dogs to training.
[00:30:21] Bree: He was accusing you of the things that he had been doing that he had done.
[00:30:24] Sarah: Yeah.
So shortly after he got back, I went ahead and I filed the actual paperwork for the divorce. Because we go, I'll get to it. I'll get to it. I'm like, I'm not waiting. I don't want to be around you. You're volatile. You keep snapping on a dime, and I don't deserve this. So I went down to the courthouse and I filed the paperwork and I used. I think we had. I don't know if we had a joint account or if I had used one of the checks that I was authorized to use with my power of attorney or whatever it was. But it came out of the account that he could see and he lost his shit. Like, what the fuck is this for? Like, what is this charge at the courthouse? I said, I filed for divorce.
[00:31:09] Lauren: Surprise.
[00:31:10] Bree: Duh.
[00:31:10] Sarah: Yeah. I was like, this is exactly what we've been talking about. And he absolutely lost it.
So he, like, is screaming at me, calling me all sorts of names, like barges into what had been our bedroom. And I like. I think I had gone downstairs at some point. Well, I go. Cause it was a two level and it was. Our bedroom was upstairs. So I at some point had gone downstairs and he hucked this huge book at Me, which, like, got stuck in the wall.
[00:31:43] Bree: Oh, my God.
[00:31:45] Lauren: How disrespectful to a book, you know, Lori.
[00:31:48] Sarah: And I think the funny thing is.
[00:31:49] Lauren: Listen, I love books.
[00:31:51] Sarah: A military. Like, how you should behave.
Like, of course it was the guidelines of how you should conduct to yourself.
[00:32:01] Lauren: Chuck it. Chuck a. Chuck it at your wife and get it stuck in the wall.
[00:32:04] Sarah: Yeah. So I, like, ran up the stairs to go to our bedroom because it locked, and he threw something else at me that thankfully missed. Also left a hole in the wall. And I don't remember which one came first, but I'm assuming. I think it was probably before I had originally gone downstairs trying to get away from him, but he had, like, pinned me up against the wall and was again, like, punching next to me and all of that and screaming in my face. And so I went ahead and I need him in the balls.
[00:32:36] Bree: Good for you.
[00:32:37] Sarah: That I could go for the goods. Yep. And I was like, okay. So I guess I had been before he, like, pretty much broke down our bedroom door to get into there, because I had locked it, because then me kneeing him was how I went downstairs. And. And then I don't know what made him decide that he was, you know, done throwing his tantrum, but he went out the door, like, threw the door into me, sliced the back of, like, my foot on it because he wasn't, you know, paying any mind to anything. Was, like, trying to hit me with the door. I'm like, I'm just trying to get out of the way. I don't want to be around you. And I don't think I had said, you know, too much at that point, but he had done that. He had, like, thrown me into a wall as well. And his last little hurrah was to go and jump on my car and go put a big old dent in it. Like, I hope you like your new fucking car. Oh, thanks. I'm glad that I have a big old dent in it now.
[00:33:33] Bree: So I'd be like, I hope you like your windshield.
[00:33:35] Sarah: Yeah. So I called the cops on him at that point.
[00:33:38] Lauren: Yeah. As you should.
[00:33:39] Sarah: I had, you know, marks all over me from being, like, thrown against the wall, things thrown at me, the doors broken down, multiple things in that. That house. My car is now damaged. I'm like, yeah, this. This is too much. Like, I had already in past situations. Like, I had texted a friend, and I was like, call the mps, which are the military police.
And she's like, are you okay? And I was like, just have them come to my House to diffuse, like, the situation. She showed up instead, but it worked. She's like, hey, I'm going, like, come with me.
Cool. I'm gone. But because I. I knew at that point I couldn't call. And. And I also with him, knew that if I hit him. So other than that knee, in that instance, I never.
[00:34:21] Lauren: Which was self defense. Let's make that clear.
[00:34:24] Sarah: Oh, no. And I. I don't feel bad about it. Um, and I didn't in the moment either. But I knew if I did anything but that he would have hit me back.
And not only would have he hit me back, like, he would have made sure it counted. Um, it wouldn't have been just like a little love tap. You hit me. Here, let me kind of like, hit you back. No, he would have gone full on. And that was something that he would Breeng up often is like, I'm not afraid to hit you. I'm not afraid to hit a woman. I'm not afraid to hit a girl. And that was something that he. And I should have known that's how he acted in high school. But when I rekindled with him and like, we met up, I was like, oh, cool. Like, he's in the military now. Like, it seems like he's got his life in order.
Seems like he's doing really good. There was no sign of that anymore. I was like, cool. Like, all right. People can grow up. You know, Mind you, this was when you were 14, 15, 16, you know, not 25.
[00:35:21] Lauren: Yeah. It was terrifying to think that somebody like, that's in our military.
[00:35:25] Sarah: Yeah, that's a whole nother thing.
[00:35:27] Bree: So you said you had filed for.
[00:35:28] Lauren: Divorce and he lost his shit and then you called the police.
[00:35:31] Sarah: Yeah. So they ended up removing him from the house. They put a restraining order on him automatically. And then I dealt with his command to communicate. He had to be supervised if we were in the same room.
And it wasn't even, like, my doing. They were like, no, we're going to do this on you. We should have seen the sign sooner. And so we. He. He moved. They put him in the barracks. And we were able to kind of like, figure out our stuff. I was like, okay, we broke it down. We're going to put this on paper. Here's the things we want. And I was like, okay. So I finally got the paperwork as he didn't want to do any of it naturally, and you have to, like, serve them and like, all that big old process. And there was something else in there that happened. And I don't I don't quite remember, but I think some things we kind of block out.
[00:36:20] Bree: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
[00:36:22] Sarah: But he would want to, like, reneg on things that we had done, or he would just stall and not sign or all of these, you know, different, like, stall tactics. And I'm like, well, why? Like, we could just be done. And he moved. Like, the military moved him. He finally got his orders to go to a new duty station, and I was not going with him.
[00:36:45] Lauren: So the divorce still wasn't final?
[00:36:46] Sarah: Nope.
[00:36:47] Lauren: Why?
[00:36:47] Sarah: He didn't want to sign paperwork.
[00:36:49] Lauren: So he wouldn't sign.
[00:36:50] Sarah: He would just. He would just, like, hang on to it. And then he would harass me through, like, text messages on, like, oh, well, did you fill out the paperwork yet or did you do this yet? And I'm like, well, you have it. Like, that's documentation. He's like, well, you're not getting alimony. I was like, there's no alimony in there. We were only married for, I think by the time it was like, three years, two or three years. I'm like, there's no alimony in there. I said I could qualify. I talked to the lawyer about it, but we're not trying to go down that route.
[00:37:19] Lauren: Like, I just want to be rid of you.
[00:37:21] Sarah: I'm done. I just. I'm not doing this with you. He would call my work.
So when the military police had come and removed him from the house, they had, like, done the interview. They took pictures for, like, their proof of stuff. And this is where that old story from our first place comes back. So he then told him, I pulled a gun on him and says that it's, like, something recent and that I had been doing these behaviors. And I was like, I have never in my life pointed a gun at a person.
[00:37:55] Lauren: Also prove it.
[00:37:56] Sarah: Yeah, yeah, that as well. And I'm like, no, I said it was in the house, and I, you know, went over the situation and it was dropped. And he actually. He went back and ended up telling them, no. I was just trying to get her in more trouble.
[00:38:09] Lauren: But, like, how could you get in trouble for something when there was no proof?
[00:38:12] Sarah: Well, not only that, but, like, more of, like, retaliation for the fact that I actually called the police on him.
[00:38:19] Lauren: Which if he would have signed the damn paperworks, none of that would have happened anyway.
[00:38:22] Bree: How long did it take him to sign the paper?
[00:38:23] Sarah: None of that. So that was actually before. So. So all of that with him, like, blaming the, like, saying that I had pulled a gun on him, that was when the police first came before they fully removed him. So I had to go and do, like, an interview and all that kind of stuff, which actually is still kind of on my record, because they didn't how process it properly.
And being that it's with military police, they have a different system for it. So I was never charged with anything.
[00:38:52] Lauren: Right.
[00:38:52] Sarah: But they also didn't, like, take it off or write, like, any of the reasonings why no charges were pressed. And so I found out because I had a background check for one of my jobs, and they're like, oh, you were arrested? And I said.
[00:39:07] Lauren: They said you were arrested for an interview.
[00:39:08] Sarah: Yeah. So they had it down as an arrest during part of the interviews, they had to come to my work, and I hadn't been working at the time.
And so when I showed up for work, they're like, oh, hey, you need to go down to the. The. Like to the police on base. And I was like, okay. Like, all right. And so it was like, an interview with them. I don't ever recall them saying anything about it being anything else. It was like, we just need to get to the bottom of the fist. There was these accusations, and we need to see what's going on. Okay.
They. But then they put it also in the system, as if I was a service member, and especially in this case, I've never served in the military, and so I should have never had that that way either. So that was really fun trying to sort out.
Thankfully, that apartment, it's just one of those things that I'm like, I. As long as it doesn't continue to affect anything else that I have going on, I'm just gonna. I'll get it off. But, like, I don't want to Breeng him back into anything that's in my life, so.
[00:40:12] Lauren: How long did it take you to actually get divorced from him?
[00:40:14] Sarah: Probably like a year. Wow.
[00:40:16] Lauren: That's insane. Like, did he finally sign the paperwork? Like, it just took him till he decided so he was just being a dick and, like, drawing it out for no reason.
[00:40:24] Sarah: Drawing it out, telling me that there was no way that I could ever make it work where I was living, because the cost of living was so expensive. And I was like, watch me. So I did. I kept living there and didn't have any issues. Good.
[00:40:37] Lauren: Well, that's the biggest f you you can do to anybody is like, watch me. Watch me. Watch me survive.
[00:40:42] Bree: Yeah.
And I mean, now it seems like you have a happy little family, and I do. Like, you're doing great.
[00:40:49] Sarah: Yeah, I do. So I am Remarried, we have some kids.
He actually is also in the military. That was not on purpose.
I was not trying to date. I was not trying to have anything to do with any of that when we met. And we were just friends for quite a while and that blossomed and. Yeah. So now we're married. And that's awesome.
[00:41:17] Lauren: Glad you ended up in a happy, healthy relationship.
[00:41:19] Bree: Yeah.
[00:41:20] Lauren: The only other question I have is, did Brad keep harassing you after you guys split?
[00:41:25] Sarah: Not after.
[00:41:26] Lauren: Like, after the divorce was final.
[00:41:28] Sarah: He signed papers.
[00:41:29] Lauren: Okay.
[00:41:30] Sarah: He had called, so they did some, like, mandatory counseling that he had to go to. And he had called me at one point, give me a very. I don't even know how to explain it.
[00:41:41] Lauren: Apology, if you will, like a 12 step program. But it was all fake.
[00:41:45] Sarah: Yeah, but he was like. But I didn't learn anything and still, like, trying to turn the blame back on me. Like it was my fault that he had to go to these of course, things. And I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna go now. But.
[00:41:57] Lauren: Well, we know he didn't learn anything because he did all this again to his third wife.
[00:42:00] Bree: Yeah.
[00:42:00] Sarah: Right. And to his second because I found out about her because I had NCIS come knocking on my door. So.
Wow, that was.
[00:42:11] Lauren: So we need to, we need to talk to her next.
[00:42:12] Sarah: Yeah. So that's how I had found out about her and. And then compared some notes and there was some very similar things that had happened. And that's also how I had found out that he actually was in the same city as we were after being told that he was states and states away.
[00:42:31] Bree: Yeah.
[00:42:31] Sarah: So that was fun. I got to live life a little bit on edge.
We were, we were quite a bit aways, but I learned that he was going to be there for quite some time because then the third wife.
[00:42:45] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:42:46] Sarah: So I had found out about her. Wife number two reached out to me and said, hey, so there's a third wife and would you be willing to talk to her and would you be willing to help her as well? So I said, yes, go ahead, connect us. And so we got connected and I told her that I would be willing to help her with whatever she needed. And I had asked, when NCIS had come to my house, I was like, so who did he hurt?
They're like, well, we can't say that. I said, but he hurt somebody. Like, well, we can't say that either, but yes. But, like was nodding yes.
[00:43:24] Lauren: Well, I'm glad that you're, like, being a support system for those women and that all three of you have been able to come together?
[00:43:30] Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Because to me, like, even though I. This is.
I've talked to people here and there about it, like, as things come up or things like that, but never really, like, reached out in a public way. Nobody deserves to go through that. I was very ashamed.
I had a very religious family and grew up with parents who had been married for nearly 20 years before my dad had passed away.
Had a good example and didn't feel like divorce was supposed to be an option, but when it became like physical, I'm like, okay, yeah, no, that's a whole nother. That's a whole nother thing. So not wanting people to be stuck in those places, those are when I do reach out. And the not so funny, but funny thing is right before his second ex wife had reached out, I had been going through my phone, I think I had a new one and was scrolling through all the pictures and I had ones from all the way back then and I had them all check marked to delete. And then I saw that I still had the voice recordings and like all the things that I had had and I had them all marked off to delete and I was like unchecked them all and said, I'm just going to keep these in this hidden folder. And then they came. I was like, I guess there's a reason why I felt like I needed these.
[00:44:51] Bree: So always trust your gut.
[00:44:53] Sarah: I was able to provide any of like those documentation things like, I hate doing it because, like, in a way, yes, it'll kind of. It'll ruin his career. However, those were not my actions. You should be able to control your actions.
[00:45:07] Bree: Yeah, he's responsible for himself and.
[00:45:10] Sarah: Yeah, and he's responsible. So if your choices create these issues for you, then that's on you.
[00:45:16] Lauren: Yep.
[00:45:17] Sarah: And I now have a. A career where I'm able to help women in their birthing space.
And I particularly look for military women because with moving as often as we do, we don't always have like the best support, especially if you're brand new. And like, I know all too well I moved with my husband while I was in my third trimester with the military. And so you don't know anybody when you're that far along. So with military. But also the other category of women that I like aim to help are women who were in similar situations or need a support person because they've gotten out of a situation.
So I'm trying to use it for, you know, good as well.
[00:46:04] Lauren: So yeah, yeah, that's Amazing. Well, that's.
[00:46:07] Bree: It is. It's turned into your purpose, and that's a really good thing. Very good.
[00:46:11] Lauren: Yeah. And it's always nice finding, like, you know, we feel like that too. Like finding our purpose, like, through the. Through the storm and everything, and ending up doing something that, you know, can hopefully make a difference, even if it's just a one person's life.
[00:46:21] Bree: Yeah.
[00:46:22] Sarah: Mm. Yeah. And I know that's something that I really admire. One of the things that I really admire about Samara is that she is using her business to help other women. Whether it's just through, like, the verbal or however she can show support and raising that awareness.
[00:46:38] Lauren: Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing work she's doing out there.
[00:46:41] Sarah: Whenever women can join together and try to be there for each other, I think is amazing.
[00:46:47] Lauren: Yes. We love a girl's girl. And women supporting women. For sure.
[00:46:50] Sarah: For sure.
[00:46:52] Lauren: Well, thank you so much for coming on.
[00:46:53] Sarah: Yeah, you're welcome. Sorry it was a little long winded.
[00:46:56] Lauren: No, you're good.
[00:46:57] Bree: We appreciate you sharing your story with us.
[00:46:58] Lauren: Yeah. So thank you, Sarah, for coming on. We really appreciate it. And, Bree, we'll see you next week.
[00:47:04] Bree: See you next week.
