Episode Transcript
00:00:00] Lauren: Hey.
[00:00:01] Bree: Hey, Lauren.
[00:00:02] Lauren: How you doing?
[00:00:02] Bree: I'm alive. How are you?
[00:00:04] Lauren: About the same. You know this weather, I wish you'd pick a season because it's hot, then it's cold, that it's hot, then it's cold.
So. Yep, that part's not great. So do you have a story for us? I. I know you do. So give us, give us your story.
[00:00:17] Bree: I have one hell of a story. So, as you know, I have been talking to someone for, what is this, eight months now and he does not live around here. He lives about three, three and a half hours away.
And so he's come to visit once and after probably, I guess, the six to seven month mark, he went really quiet.
He stopped communicating. Didn't really know what was going on. So I wasn't going to reach out. Like if I send you something and you don't respond back, I'm not going to sit here and waste my time. I'm not going to reach for your attention, you know.
[00:00:49] Lauren: Yeah, I'm not going to chase you.
[00:00:51] Bree: After a few weeks, he came back and you know, what's going on? Well, he had to have surgery and some other stuff. I was like, okay, you know, that's fine. It is what it is. We communicated for probably two or three more weeks after that it went quiet again. No reason, no reason whatsoever. Comes back around and like, yeah, you know, I'd really, you know, like to see you. I'd, you know, love for you to come up here. And we had agreed, you know, that he would come here and visit and then I would go there and visit, you know, which to me is, you know, with it being, you know, that far apart.
So I had everything planned. I had gotten dog sitter lined up, I had a hotel booked that was non refundable. I had everything done.
[00:01:29] Lauren: He canceled.
[00:01:31] Bree: Canceled? Yes, the Blink 182 concert. Canceled my ticket for that. Sold the ticket and it took off work, you know, all the stuff, all the stuff. I was really excited to go, you know, like, we're gonna get some, you know, clarity on what this is or what it could become, you know, that's great. And then he goes quiet again. So I sent a text. I think it had been like two and a half, three days, like, hey, you've gone quiet again. You know that, you know, I really value communication and things like that. Like that means a lot to me. And you've gone quiet, you're not speaking. And so I think it's probably best that I cancel this trip. He read it and never responded.
[00:02:08] Lauren: He left you on read because he's.
[00:02:10] Bree: Dumb enough to have his read receipts on.
[00:02:12] Lauren: These men are so stupid.
[00:02:14] Bree: Well, then. So I had to call and. And figure out how to cancel my hotel. So my dog, as you know, has been having some health issues. And thank God the girl who answered the phone was a dog person. Yeah, just mom like I am. And she let me cancel my reservation without any fees.
[00:02:29] Lauren: I'm glad because that, like, when you were telling me all this, I was just like. Like, I just don't understand how a man could let someone completely book an entire trip to go see them and then be like, I'm going to ghost you right before you come in town.
[00:02:42] Bree: Like, even. Yes, maiden, you have some, like, mental stuff going on. I have no idea. I have no idea what's going on with him.
[00:02:47] Aolani: But.
[00:02:48] Lauren: Or he has another woman. And if that's the case, he still should be telling you that. Like, he shouldn't have allowed you to even come in the first place.
[00:02:55] Bree: The time before. Like, I asked him.
[00:02:56] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:02:57] Bree: You know, are you dating somebody else? Are you seeing somebody else? Nope.
[00:03:00] Lauren: Nope.
[00:03:00] Bree: I took my son. Son out to see a movie, but that was it.
[00:03:03] Lauren: Yeah. I don't believe anything he says now, obviously, but I'm like. But my thing is, is like the audacity to let you even plan that trip and go through with like, booking things and canceling your own plan.
[00:03:14] Bree: Well, knowing everything that I've already been through in my past relationships, like, he knows all of it.
[00:03:19] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:03:19] Lauren: And he still allows it to happen. Like, that's just not a good person there. To me, there's no excuse. None.
[00:03:24] Bree: He doesn't care.
[00:03:25] Lauren: No.
[00:03:25] Bree: There's not an ounce of empathy there or caring whatsoever. So.
[00:03:29] Lauren: No. Like.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and go through with that. I just. You deserve better. And I mean, I know for me, you know, I never liked him from the beginning, but I just. Because. Because as you're. As you're one of your best friends, like, I want you to have somebody who immediately from the beginning is like, all you. And I feel like a lot of these guys just aren't. They're just not. Like.
[00:03:51] Bree: You see, that part scares me. Like, when they're like, all about me, it makes me think, oh, are you love bombing me?
[00:03:57] Lauren: I know, and that's hard, too.
[00:03:58] Bree: It's a hard balance between them.
[00:04:00] Lauren: So it is. And like, for me, like, I literally, if I have a guy smile at me now, I like, get like a mean face. Like, I'M immediately like, don't fucking look at me. How dare you? Like, like, what? Let me give you the biggest RBF that I can give because. No, no, sir, do not smile at me. I was doing a photo shoot up on the mountain the other day, and this one guy, like, whistled at me, and I lost it. And I just, like, stared at him and, like, the photographer I was with just started laughing at me because I was just like, did he just whistle at me? And I was like. He was just like, it's a compliment. I was like, no, the fuck it's not. Like, I'm like, how.
[00:04:37] Aolani: How dare him?
[00:04:38] Lauren: And I'm like, all pissed off because I'm just like, don't look at me. Unless you have a camera in your hand and you're photography. You're my photographer. You don't look at me go, that's hilarious. Men are the worst. So. Well, I'm sorry you went through that, but I'm glad that he's kicked to the curb now because he doesn't deserve you.
So.
[00:04:53] Bree: Agreed.
[00:04:53] Lauren: Well, we have a guest today. We have Alani.
Hi. We're so glad you reached out to us.
[00:05:00] Aolani: Thank you.
[00:05:01] Lauren: We are very excited to share your story because it's not because of what the story is. It's an awful story, but I think it needs to be out there. And I think that there's a lot of people who probably have been through something similar or, you know, need to know what signs to look out for so they don't go through something like you went through.
[00:05:18] Aolani: Yes, absolutely. I agree. I share my story. Honestly, for the women that it's too late for that don't have a voice anymore, or the ones that are too scared to and just give encouragement. This is real life issues that people are scared to talk about.
[00:05:40] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely. So take us. Take us back. Tell us about your story. Wow.
[00:05:44] Aolani: It all starts so, like, from the very beginning. I was going through a divorce with my high school sweetheart. We were separated, and I met this guy that I thought checked on my boxes covered in tattoos. He was a biker.
[00:06:01] Lauren: God.
[00:06:02] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:06:02] Aolani: Great.
[00:06:03] Lauren: His name wasn't Dick, was it?
[00:06:06] Aolani: And of course, another red flag. We met at a bar. Come on. Young, dumb.
[00:06:12] Lauren: Hey. We've all been there.
[00:06:13] Aolani: And we dated for probably, like, six months. And then I was moving from Jacksonville, North Carolina, back to what I call my hometown, North Carolina Wilkesboro.
And so we just kind of parted ways. We didn't work out, and I ended up with someone else and had my daughter. We didn't work out Just mental health issues on his side that he was roller coaster up and down. And after, him and I mutually split from each other. Healthy split, co parenting daughter. Great. Alex shows back up in my DMs and reaches out and this is probably like, gosh, like four years later, I would say.
Yeah, that just shows.
[00:07:03] Lauren: They always come back. Like, they come back in some way.
[00:07:05] Aolani: Always.
[00:07:05] Lauren: Like, that's insane. Four years later.
[00:07:07] Aolani: Always crawl back, find a way back in.
[00:07:10] Lauren: That's wild.
[00:07:11] Aolani: And I was like, oh, wow. Like, I had butterflies. It was great. Like, and it was. It was probably like a month and a half before COVID officially hit. And so he still lived in Jacksonville, North Carolina, and I was living in Wilkesboro.
[00:07:29] Lauren: Can I ask, is he military?
[00:07:31] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:07:32] Lauren: Yeah, that's what I was like, there's no other reason to be in Jacksonville.
[00:07:35] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:07:35] Lauren: Okay.
[00:07:37] Aolani: And so, yeah, he showed back up in my DMs and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna reach out to him. Like, it was great. Like, we just mutually split because I was moving, blah, blah, blah. So we were long distance for like that month and a half or whatever. And I don't know, he. He convinced me. I don't know.
Like, I. I told him from the get go. I was like, I'm not moving. I just got this apartment. Like, this is. We can do long distance for a while. We can see where it takes us. He ended up convincing me to move back to Jacksonville in with him.
[00:08:12] Lauren: So, I mean, that's what hits Covid. Covid did that to a lot of people.
[00:08:15] Aolani: Yeah, Covid hits, and a week later, basically I'm moving in with him to Jacksonville, North Carolina. And keep in mind, I'm moving my freshly turned one year old with me.
[00:08:28] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:08:29] Aolani: And I was out of work. I was in the service industry and so I didn't work. So I was at home. He was going to work. He worked on base, but he wasn't in the military anymore.
[00:08:41] Lauren: So civilian.
[00:08:42] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:08:43] Aolani: And our relationship in a whole was probably.
Let's see, from COVID hit in March. I think it was.
[00:08:53] Lauren: Yes, it did. It hit March.
[00:08:55] Aolani: Relationship in a whole was probably about seven months, seven, eight months long. So not that long, honestly.
[00:09:01] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:09:02] Aolani: And yeah, but it started like the. There was a red flag from the get go because when he would come to Wilkesboro and visit me, do you know how iPhones, like, if you click the power button, like a certain amount of times, it will like act like it's calling 911. So his alarm was going off one day before I had Moved to Jacksonville when he was just visiting me. And I went to turn his alarm off and it ended up doing like the 911 call. And this guy sleeps through absolutely anything. So, like, he didn't hear it, but I heard it going off.
[00:09:34] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:09:35] Aolani: And when I went to turn it off and like unlocked his phone to get rid of it, his text messages are there. So naturally I went through it.
I was very familiar with his female friends. I knew his female friends. I got along with them. I knew them from when I used to live in Jacksonville. But there was one name that was in there that I had no clue who it was. So that was the name that I clicked on.
And it's him sending naked photos of himself to this. Like, she's probably like 15 years older than him. So she's probably at the time, she's probably like 45. He at the time is like early 30s, 31, I think at the time. Something like that.
[00:10:24] Lauren: That's funny. That's like dick. Dick. Recently, he's. He's 37, turning 38, and he recently went after a 52 year old and he told her, he told her that he dates. Well, the thing is, is, like, she found out about me and so she reached out to me and she was just like, he told me he dates older women. I was like, he's literally never dated anybody older than him. Yeah, no, he's just like desperate because he can't get anybody right now.
[00:10:46] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:10:46] Lauren: Like, dear God.
[00:10:48] Aolani: But anyway, so he's sending her naked photos. And literally in the, like, in the text that he sends, he said, this will probably have to be my last one because Alani's moving here next week. So he knew what he was doing.
[00:11:04] Lauren: What was her response? Do you remember? Was she. Was she like, she knew about you.
[00:11:08] Aolani: She knew about me, obviously. So she was okay sitting there texting her about me.
[00:11:12] Lauren: So she. Shame on her for being okay to be the.
[00:11:14] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:15] Bree: Other woman.
[00:11:16] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:18] Aolani: And she, her response was like, oh, my gosh, don't you think you guys are moving fast? Blah, blah, blah. And his response is, it's always been her. I knew from five years ago that she was it. Blah, blah, blah, like hyping me up. But here you are sending naked photos to her.
And in one of his text messages was, I just figured that I could swap one. Figured I would try. She never sent one back.
[00:11:44] Lauren: Okay.
[00:11:45] Bree: I want to say good for her that she didn't send one back, but she was still communicating with him and getting his next photo.
[00:11:51] Speaker D: So.
[00:11:51] Aolani: Yeah, like, didn't didn't tell him not to.
[00:11:54] Bree: Yeah, exactly.
[00:11:55] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:56] Aolani: So that. That was like red flag number one before I moved. Why I moved after that and kept.
[00:12:01] Speaker D: I don't know.
[00:12:02] Lauren: Because we fall in love with people and we think that, you know, try.
[00:12:06] Aolani: To see the good.
[00:12:06] Speaker D: Yep.
[00:12:07] Lauren: It'll be. It'll change. It was just a one time thing. Whatever the case it is.
[00:12:11] Aolani: So he's like, you can have all my passwords, you can know all this. You can have free access, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I don't want any of that. I want trust. We either stop that now and like, we can start fresh from right here, or we end it right here. And he's like, start fresh, blah, blah, blah. Trust me, I. I've always loved you all. All of that. So ended up planning my move and it started out great, I would say. I mean, so I think everything really started in end of June, early July. So moved there in March when Covid hit.
[00:12:55] Lauren: So for a few months it was like.
[00:12:56] Speaker D: Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:12:58] Aolani: About three months, I would say. And like, I'm not quite sure when I first, like, got the feeling to look through his phone again, but at some point I did. And that's what spiraled everything I would say was him being a serial cheater and getting caught is what spiraled him.
[00:13:21] Lauren: Yeah. Cause he was probably like, oh, shit, I can't just do what I want to do anymore.
[00:13:24] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:13:25] Aolani: But keep in mind, I am taking care of my daughter. Plus he has a daughter. Plus he has two sons that are coming for the summer. So I'm a stay at home mom of total four kids.
[00:13:38] Lauren: That's a lot.
[00:13:39] Aolani: Here he is, willy nilly doing whatever he wants.
[00:13:43] Lauren: Minnesota.
[00:13:44] Aolani: But he's taking care. He's taking care of the bills.
[00:13:46] Speaker D: That.
[00:13:47] Aolani: That was his argument.
[00:13:48] Lauren: So he could take care of the bills, so he could stick his pee pee and whatever he wants to stick it in. Yeah, okay.
[00:13:52] Aolani: But ended up finding like his Tinder and just text messages and Instagram messages and his excuse all the time would be. Well, that's just how I talk to people. I'm just a natural flirt. Like, I don't mean to. It's not actually flirting. Like, I'm not. I'm not doing this. I'm not cheating on you.
[00:14:13] Lauren: Okay.
[00:14:13] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:14:14] Lauren: I'm like, no, see, but everything you're doing is cheating. So there's that. But also like, what do you.
What do you mean? These men think that things aren't cheating. Me and Bree have talked about this before, especially with, like, Instagram and, like, you know, men always sliding into DMs and stuff. My ex would constantly be like, oh, you're just insecure. You know, I, I, that's what I.
[00:14:36] Aolani: Got all the time.
[00:14:37] Speaker D: Yep, Yep.
[00:14:38] Lauren: They'll constantly gaslight us. And I, like, they make us feel crazy. Like, are we the problem?
[00:14:45] Aolani: I felt crazy. I was like, maybe. Maybe these are just girls that are friends. And, like, I had no issue with the females that were actually hanging out with me coming to our house, Breenging their kids. Like, those weren't the ones that I was like, what are you texting them for?
[00:15:03] Lauren: Right.
[00:15:04] Aolani: It was never like that. It was these random ass messages on Instagram that I was like, why are you even trying to conversate? Like, you've never met this girl or, or you have met her, but it was at a bar and she tried to get your number. Why are you messaging her?
[00:15:21] Lauren: Well, and it's like, what, what does, what does it serve you? Like, like, they are craving attention from multiple women. And I'm like, why?
Like, at least for me. And you're probably the same way. Like, I was having sex with my husband, so there was no reason. And I wanted to have sex with him. Actually, we stopped having sex because he didn't want to have sex anymore because he said he had ED issues, which, you know, whatever, that's on him. Like, But I didn't, like, they were.
[00:15:46] Aolani: Very much having sex.
[00:15:47] Lauren: So. See, that's the thing is, like, you're having sex with this person, and this person is still out there cheating.
[00:15:52] Aolani: I'm taking care of the house. I'm cooking. Like, I'm packing you lunches. I'm making breakfast, lunch, dinner. I'm doing all of your laundry. I'm taking care of four kids. I was literally doing it all. Like, what? I hate to say this, like, housewife image.
[00:16:08] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:16:08] Aolani: What honestly, like, you would think of, like, a housewife that does it all. I was doing it all.
[00:16:14] Lauren: Well, that's what they say they want, but then they still cheat on it because at the end of the day, they just want to do whatever they want to do because they're selfish and they have no desire to actually be faithful to anybody, and they have no desire to actually, like, commit to what they said they were going to do.
[00:16:27] Aolani: There was, there was one night, specifically, and a little bit of backstory. He is clinically, I know now is clinically diagnosed with what's called, I'd never even heard of it, intermittent explosive Disorder.
[00:16:44] Bree: That's a new one on me.
[00:16:45] Lauren: Yeah. Same. What is that?
[00:16:47] Aolani: So it's basically where at any given moment something could tick you off and you just explode on whoever. Whatever is around you.
[00:16:58] Lauren: I didn't even know that was a disorder. I just thought it was part of narcissism.
[00:17:02] Aolani: Neither did I. Yeah, that's real crazy. So along with other clinically diagnosed issues. That is one of them. Just to put in context how he acts or reacts, I guess I should say.
[00:17:15] Lauren: Yeah. When he doesn't like something.
[00:17:17] Aolani: Yeah. Just me confronting him with what he was doing wrong is basically where his anger and aggression came from.
[00:17:27] Bree: So he didn't like being held accountable for anything.
[00:17:30] Aolani: Correct.
[00:17:31] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:17:32] Aolani: And I guess to also add to that is he has. It's clinically called alcohol disorder. But call it what it is. You're an alcoholic.
[00:17:41] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:17:43] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:17:43] Aolani: But on paper, it's alcohol disorder.
[00:17:45] Lauren: Yeah. Let's make it sound pretty. Yeah, let's make it sound. So even before everything really started, was he always kind of, like, angry? Was he one of those mean drunks or.
[00:17:56] Aolani: Never, never to me.
[00:17:58] Lauren: Okay.
[00:18:00] Aolani: Until I started confronting him and Breenging up the issues. Because like I said, when we dated for probably six months, years and years ago, we drank together. We had. I mean, it was fine. He. He was never aggressive towards me, anything like that. But I also didn't know what he was doing on the side. I. I never, like, tried.
[00:18:21] Lauren: You didn't confront him because there wasn't. You didn't know you needed to.
[00:18:24] Aolani: Correct.
[00:18:24] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah, Perfect.
[00:18:26] Aolani: So Breeng it to back to when we're living together and confronting him. So there was one time when we. To the beach and we had his two boys with us, but the girls were not with us.
My girl was with her dad and his girl was with her mom. So we just had his two boys.
[00:18:49] Lauren: Okay.
[00:18:50] Aolani: We did a beach trip and I mean, we were all drinking. We get back to the house and. Or we go to dinner. It's fine. At dinner. And then we get back to the house and I don't know, like a light switch flipped and like somebody bipolar would just all of a sudden be somebody else with their attitude. I remember that I was going to get another drink out of the fridge and the fridge, like, I guess. I guess I slammed it. I didn't mean to slam it, but he. He went off on that. Why are you slamming the fridge? Blah, blah, blah. Do you have an attitude? What's going on?
[00:19:33] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:19:33] Aolani: And so of course I. I got attitude, but my attitude is me shutting down and going outside away from you and me going like, ignoring him was not good. It just made it worse, like.
Yeah, made it worse. He, it was like he wanted me to fight back verbally, emotionally, I guess.
[00:19:59] Bree: Yeah, I love to instigate.
[00:20:01] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:20:01] Aolani: And at some point in the mix amongst like getting the boys in their bed finally and him and I, I guess being up alone together after the boys went to bed, like the real argument started, I ended up Breenging up the other women and that was that just, I mean, flipped another switch. The level got even higher with him. And at some point, I can picture it in my head, I don't know how to necessarily describe it, but at some point when I came around the couch to go, like walk away, I was going through this garage door, like our washroom and what went to our garage door. And I ended up like pushing him away from me, like, stop following me. And when I pushed him away, he ended up grabbing me by my shoulders and he headbutts me in the face.
[00:20:54] Lauren: Oh my God.
[00:20:55] Aolani: Like a man would headbutt another man in a full on fight is how he headbutted me.
[00:21:03] Lauren: Whew. That's terrifying.
[00:21:04] Speaker D: God.
[00:21:04] Lauren: What did you. I mean, I can't even imagine, like, what, what were you just shocked in that moment?
[00:21:11] Aolani: I immediately, like, I screamed in that moment and I was like, what the fuck did you just do? Yeah, yelled that at him. And then I remembered we've got fucking kids at home, right? Excuse my language, but we have kids at home in bed right now, sleeping. And I ended up going out of like running out of the garage door and locking myself in the car outside in the driveway because I was like, I don't want him to get to me. So let me lock myself in the car because I can't lock myself anywhere in the house. There's two kids in there and I mean, he can get in the house.
So I remember just sitting in the car.
It couldn't have been that long, but it was probably like five minutes of me just screaming like, what am I going through right now?
And my neighbor, bless her, she was amazing. My neighbor came out there and got me and took me over to her house.
[00:22:10] Lauren: That's good for her.
[00:22:11] Aolani: And I mean, she had been through the same thing with her ex husband.
So I mean, she took me into her house that night and come to find out when I.
And she actually took the boys over as well. So she ended up grabbing the boys from our house and put them to bed with her boy that they were friends with. And then she came and got me out of the car and. And her And I sat on her back porch.
While we were all over at her house, he.
Which this is crazy to think of now that I'm out of it.
He took one of our pictures. Like, him and I had a, like, nice picture together.
Took the framed photo off the wall, and he shot it.
[00:23:01] Bree: Shit. That was crazy.
[00:23:02] Aolani: There was a bullet hole in our mattress.
[00:23:05] Bree: He laid it on the bed and shot it.
[00:23:07] Aolani: He laid it on the bed and shot our photo.
[00:23:10] Lauren: That's insane. Yeah, that's insane. Like, you take a photograph off a wall, you don't shoot it. Shoot it.
[00:23:16] Aolani: You throw it on the ground, right.
[00:23:18] Lauren: You shatter the glass, cut the person.
[00:23:20] Bree: Out of the picture. You really need to.
[00:23:22] Aolani: He shot it.
[00:23:24] Lauren: That's insane.
[00:23:25] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:23:26] Lauren: So he has weapons in the house, which is even more terrifying.
[00:23:28] Speaker D: Yes. Yeah.
[00:23:31] Aolani: And.
Yeah, insane. Like, when did you.
[00:23:36] Lauren: When did you realize that? Like, once you went back. Is that when you saw it?
[00:23:39] Aolani: Yeah, I think. I think it was, like, two days later. I was, like, changing the sheets or something, like, just doing regular laundry, and I saw. I. I didn't notice the photo missing off the wall, but I. I noticed, like, the hole in the mattress.
[00:23:53] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:23:54] Aolani: Cause that's, like, I was like, this wasn't here before. Like. And then I ended up, I think, finding the photo frame shattered. And then I asked, like, what. What is this? Like, what happened? And he told me. He straight up told me that he took the photo off the wall and he shot it. He was mad, and he didn't want to see our photo together.
[00:24:17] Bree: A weird question.
[00:24:18] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:24:18] Bree: Where was the bullet hole at on the mattress? Was it on your side of the bed?
[00:24:22] Aolani: It was on my side of the bed. Towards, like, where my knees would have been laying. You know, it wasn't. Thankfully, like, wasn't on my pillow.
[00:24:32] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:24:32] Lauren: Or like, you wear your head or. Regardless. Yeah, regardless. It's terrifying, but yeah.
[00:24:36] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:24:38] Aolani: And that was the first night he truly put his hands on me. And that was probably, yeah, like, late June. I would say early July. And, I mean, there was. The cheating continued. It never stopped. The drinking never stopped. And all of the escalation, all of, like, our physical confrontations happened when he was drunk. Did he was drunk every other night?
[00:25:11] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:25:12] Bree: Was that ever his excuse? Well, I didn't mean it. I did it because I was drunk. Or did he just own it?
[00:25:17] Aolani: It was never. No, it was always my fault.
[00:25:19] Lauren: Of course.
[00:25:20] Aolani: He. He always, like, you're making me the worst person I've ever been. Like, it was always just things like. Like, I've Got recordings of him saying that.
[00:25:30] Lauren: Like, you're Breenging it out in me.
[00:25:31] Aolani: Yes. He always said that. Like, you're Breenging out the worst person in me. Like, I couldn't believe that I would ever hit a woman and then you make me do this.
[00:25:40] Speaker D: Yeah, that's it.
[00:25:42] Lauren: Do you know if he was ever abusive in previous relationships?
[00:25:45] Aolani: No. So I reached out to his ex wife, both ex wives, and both of them have said that he never laid a hand on them.
[00:25:53] Bree: That is so weird.
[00:25:54] Aolani: He would Breeng out a gun on multiple different occasions and he would threaten his life and he would say, I'm just sick of everything. The only reason why I don't kill myself is because of my boys and my girl. Like, I don't want to be here anymore. But he never actually did it, obviously.
[00:26:12] Lauren: Well, no, because he's doing that to manipulate. He wasn't actually.
[00:26:16] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:26:16] Lauren: He was never actually going to do it. So he was. So he's drunk like every other day. So at this point, starting three months after you move in with him, you're essentially getting physically assaulted every other day?
[00:26:26] Speaker D: Yes.
[00:26:28] Aolani: I wouldn't necessarily say every other day, but it was definitely verbally and emotionally every single day.
[00:26:38] Lauren: Which does a lot of damage too. You just can't see it. Like, you can.
[00:26:41] Aolani: And then. And then like he'd have flowers sent to the house and he would say, I'm sorry and you're the one for me. And he'd. He would do small things. Cause like, I'm not. I'm not this girl that needs like crazy things. Like if you Breeng me home my favorite chips from the store.
That's amazing to me.
[00:27:00] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:27:00] Aolani: So I don't. I don't need anything because I. I can provide for myself.
I was providing for myself. I had a savings that I was using. I was never using his money. I was still paying my car bill. I was paying my.
And sure, I was paying all of my bills. All. All he did was pay the house and his bills. So I guess I was living under his house, per se, quote, unquote. It was always verbally, emotionally abusive. I mean, and manipulating from the get go. It was my fault. I was insecure.
I was thinking too hard into it.
He's reaching out to these girls because he wants to play music at the bars that they work at. Those excuses. But after he headbutted me is when I guess he got comfortable.
[00:27:51] Lauren: It was acceptable. I was looking at your tiktoks because I was just like, it's crazy to me.
[00:27:55] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:27:56] Aolani: Those photos specifically on My TikTok are from when he headbutted me. I mean, my.
My, like, cheekbone right here had a lump in it months. Months after the visible bruising healed.
[00:28:16] Lauren: That's insane.
[00:28:17] Aolani: But, like, he broke blood vessels in my eye. There was blood everywhere from my nose. I mean, it swole. Shut it. It. It was crazy. And then what's also crazy to me, looking back now is that I stayed after that, but I also covered it up with makeup and visited my mom.
That I got the broken blood vessels in my eye from lifting weights, but I had the bruises covered.
[00:28:46] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[00:28:47] Lauren: Because, I mean, a lot of times you don't want to tell people.
[00:28:49] Aolani: No. In the moment, I did not want to tell people whatsoever.
[00:28:52] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:28:52] Aolani: I mean, my best friend knew, but that's the only person that knew. But I was also secluded from friends and family because I had moved five and a half hours away.
[00:29:04] Lauren: Right.
[00:29:04] Speaker D: My gosh.
[00:29:05] Aolani: So the only friends that we had were his friends.
[00:29:08] Bree: So of course, we're probably going to take his side.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
[00:29:14] Aolani: And it was, quote, unquote, justified because I pushed him first. When I was pushed, like, trying to get away from him and go out the garage. When I pushed him, that's when he grabbed me because he was following me. I pushed him, he grabbed me and headbutted me.
[00:29:32] Lauren: No, that's no excuse for that.
[00:29:33] Speaker D: No.
[00:29:34] Bree: And I feel like we just had an interview with another lady who had mentioned where. And you may have already addressed this. I don't know where. They're like, you know, don't tell other people about our relationship, about our business and things like that. And so when you said, you know, you only your best friend knew.
[00:29:48] Speaker D: It's.
[00:29:49] Bree: For me, I know specifically, it's very hard to, like, figure out where that boundary is because. Or at least in the past, it was like, well, I know this is toxic behavior, and I need somebody to bounce, like, opinions off of and get their thoughts on it, but I don't want to air out our dirty laundry. And so I know that can be very hard.
[00:30:06] Lauren: I think that's a thing we need to get away from as women, because we were taught that society has taught us not to air our dirty laundry.
[00:30:12] Bree: And it's like it never happened. And people start to believe the other person, oh, well, she's crazy or she's done this, done that. Well, because they don't know the full truth because it hasn't been discussed.
[00:30:23] Speaker D: Y. Yeah.
[00:30:25] Aolani: My best friend, she. I mean, I told her everything, but I had to keep it a secret. So, like, When I would tell her something, it would either have to be phone calls or I would have to be strategic with my texting and would delete it off my phone.
[00:30:39] Lauren: That's crazy.
[00:30:40] Bree: That's sad.
[00:30:41] Aolani: I had this longtime guy friend that I knew way before I ever even met Alex.
Him and I, we, We would just like have regular old conversations.
Like, we both had kids now and we just, we just had conversations. And so there was one night where Alex found out that I, I mean, I kept all the text messages. I had nothing to hide. But he, Alex was pissed. Of course he was pissed that he saw these text messages between me and this other guy. And so this started another physical altercation.
And he has this weird obsession because he's a grown man, but he, he, he doesn't act like a grown man. So he still gets in bar fights at his age, but he didn't be ashamed of himself.
[00:31:40] Lauren: Like, Jesus, how old are we?
[00:31:42] Aolani: Quote, unquote biker.
[00:31:43] Lauren: So. And that's.
[00:31:44] Aolani: It's just that lifestyle and that's why.
[00:31:47] Lauren: It'S a red flag for me now. I will never date a biker ever again. Yeah, Ever.
[00:31:51] Speaker D: No.
[00:31:52] Lauren: And see, my biker would always be like, well, I'm not aggressive, blah, blah, blah. But then he would talk about how he would, like, get in fights, like with one of his buddies and stuff and like, be like, I'm a macho man. Like, you know, I have hard fists. Like, I get in these fights and I'm like, nah, bitch, you're a pussy ass bitch. But anyway.
But no, like, he, but he would always talk about like a big game, but then he would always be like, but I'm not, you know, I'm sweet and stuff. And he never physically hit me because he knows he would be in jail, he wouldn't be, or that. So he never, he never physically hit me because, like, he was scared of my job and what I do for a living. So he never like, came after me because of that. But he was always the emotional and like, he was a cheater. He was emotional, he was manipulating, he was using me for money, he was getting me in debt and doing all those things. That was his way of being aggressive. But he'll act like he is the sweetest guy in the world. And I'm like, no, there's no such thing as a sweet biker. Sorry.
[00:32:45] Speaker D: No.
[00:32:46] Lauren: Nope.
[00:32:46] Aolani: Um, and so, yeah, he saw these text messages between me and this guy friend and I mean, he lost it. Completely lost it. And I've, I've really, like, it's crazy that your Brain can black out things that happen in your life. But a lot of my relationship with him is blacked out, except for those like, like milestones. And so I don't know how it really started, but at some point he like had this weird obsession with choking people. Like in a bar fight would. Would grab a grown. Another grown man by his neck, choke him type fight. But he ended up doing that to me.
[00:33:32] Lauren: Jesus.
[00:33:33] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:33:34] Lauren: And I mean he's obviously a strong person.
[00:33:36] Aolani: Very. He is like 5 foot 6, 5 foot 7 on a good day if he's got tennis shoes on. And he's like 230 pounds full of steroids. So there's more of like where his aggression and whatnot comes from. He's literally pumping himself full of steroids. He's got intermittent explosive disorder. He's an alcoholic. He's also got a traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle accident. So like if you take a CAT scan of his brain, two thirds of it is black. Like how he's still alive and that much of an alcoholic to where they had to get give him alcohol in the hospital because he's withdrawing. How you're still alive.
[00:34:18] Speaker D: I don't know.
[00:34:18] Lauren: Cuz Coc cockroaches never die. That's what I keep saying.
[00:34:22] Aolani: That's great.
His boys are back home in their home state with their mom. They only see him on the summer.
We ended up splitting in September maybe, I think. And let me back up a little bit actually. So after that incident, I start to distance myself kind of sexually with him.
[00:34:44] Lauren: Well, yeah, because I mean, I can't imagine why you'd want to have sex with a man who's choking you to death.
[00:34:49] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:34:51] Aolani: So that, that kind of rages him more though.
It causes him to reach out to these women more. Causes me to question him more.
[00:35:00] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:35:00] Aolani: So it's all my fault.
[00:35:02] Speaker D: Yep.
[00:35:02] Lauren: It's all your fault.
[00:35:03] Aolani: It's all. It's all my fault because I quit having sex with him on a daily basis. Sorry. We went to the weekends instead.
[00:35:10] Lauren: Sorry. You're abusive.
[00:35:12] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:35:12] Lauren: So I don't find you attractive anymore.
[00:35:14] Aolani: Yeah, exactly. And this is really hard for me to talk about, but we ended up having sex one night and.
[00:35:36] Speaker D: Okay.
[00:35:46] Aolani: I didn't want to make him mad from telling him no. And he took it upon himself to not wear protection and not pull out. And I ended up pregnant.
[00:35:57] Speaker D: He did it on purpose.
[00:35:58] Lauren: He did it on purpose. But it's also wild because like, it's not that easy for a lot of women to get pregnant. So it's just sucks that, that.
Yeah, that sucks.
[00:36:07] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:36:08] Aolani: Literally, it's like your mom telling you back in the day, like, all it takes is one time. It took one time. God damn it, man.
[00:36:17] Lauren: Yeah, you're like, love my kid but not the day love.
[00:36:20] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:36:21] Aolani: But, yeah, I ended up pregnant. And I remember distinctively that next morning calling my best friend and telling her what happened. And just like, I lost it because I. I just had this feeling. I. I knew I was like, what am I going to do with this guy's baby? And me personally, I'm.
I've always, I've always been pro life for myself. Every woman deserves their own choice, but for me, myself, I've always been pro life for myself. In that moment, I went to my neighbor, the neighbor that took me in that one night, and she actually was prescribed, I don't know what they're called now, but plan B, a step up from plan B.
[00:37:09] Lauren: Okay, okay.
[00:37:10] Aolani: Like, once it's actually like fertilized and confirmed, basically like an at home. It's a termin abortion pill, termination pill.
[00:37:20] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:37:22] Aolani: Um. But yeah, after I probably found out, like confirmed my pregnancy, probably like a week before my missed period, I just knew. And so I ended up going to her and I took the pill. I took two of them, like the instructions on the bottle said, and nothing happened.
[00:37:45] Bree: It didn't work. Nothing.
[00:37:46] Aolani: It did not work.
[00:37:48] Lauren: That baby. That baby was like, I'm coming. Yep, I'm strong, baby.
[00:37:52] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:37:53] Aolani: God knows the reason. I don't.
[00:37:54] Lauren: Yeah, yeah, 100%.
[00:37:56] Bree: If it stuck, then it. That was meant for, like, was meant to happen.
[00:38:01] Aolani: Yeah, absolutely. Because my little boy is meant to be here.
[00:38:05] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:38:06] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:38:06] Aolani: He's 4 now.
[00:38:07] Speaker D: Oh, yeah.
[00:38:11] Aolani: But dumbass me forgot the bottle in my car and one day his car was out of gas and so he asked if he could take my car to work that morning and I just said, yeah, sure, like, whatever. And he ended up seeing it and he googled what this name was of the pills that were in my car. Because I don't, I don't take anything.
[00:38:33] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:38:33] Aolani: Like, I.
[00:38:34] Speaker D: It.
[00:38:34] Aolani: It's not an Advil bottle. It says prescribed to the neighbor.
[00:38:38] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:38:38] Aolani: Why is the neighbor's pills in your car? So he googles the name of it. So he is beyond furious. And I've. I've never seen him so mad to the point of actually ignoring me. Because he's such, like a button pusher. Yeah, but he was furious to the point of ignoring me.
[00:39:02] Bree: Did he know that you.
[00:39:05] Aolani: Do?
[00:39:05] Speaker D: What?
[00:39:06] Bree: Did he know that you were pregnant?
[00:39:07] Aolani: Yes. He ended up finding out. Yeah, here, here's a little backstory too. So I ended up hiding it for a little while and he ended up going through my phone and he found the text to my best friend of me telling her that I'm pregnant. And then, and then, yeah, I think it was probably like two days later. Found the pill bottle in my car. And then once he came home from work that day after finding that pill bottle, he came home from work with an entire brand new spanking bottle. I don't know what size it was, but like it was a regular sized bottle of Jameson. And all he was doing was pouring it into a glass. He did not have coke with it. He did not have an ice cube in it. He was pouring it into a glass and just drinking. He ended up drinking the entire bottle that night.
[00:40:01] Lauren: Holy shit.
[00:40:02] Aolani: And like for a full blown alcoholic, I mean it's, that's a lot. It still gets you drunk, but for him, like, he's still walking around, he's still talking.
[00:40:13] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:40:14] Lauren: I didn't make him pass out. Like I would a normal person.
[00:40:16] Aolani: Correct.
I, I ended up like peeking my head out the door and I was like, hey, I'm going to take a shower and I'm going to bed. Just like letting him know. And he basically ignored it. So I just, I went to the shower and I started the shower, but I hadn't got in the shower yet. I was like plucking my eyebrows in the mirror, like waiting for the shower to get hot. He busts in the door as I'm completely naked.
And I mean like, yes, we're in a relationship, but we're also not in a good relationship. So like, what woman wants to be there naked in front of this man that is drunk, abusive, yelling at her? Like, yeah. And so my first reaction was like, cover up. And when I covered up, he was like, who you?
Why are you covering up in front of me? I'm your boyfriend. Are you covering up because you're cheating on me?
[00:41:17] Lauren: Oh my God.
[00:41:18] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:41:18] Bree: Lord.
[00:41:19] Lauren: Like, no. And then brought up because you're cheating on me.
[00:41:22] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:41:22] Aolani: Brought up my friend's name that I was texting just like having chit chat about, like, it, it was crazy. But like just reacting like, I just like covered myself up with a towel and I was like, Nathan. So I covered myself up with a towel and I was like, Alex, like, what are you doing?
And he's like, you have my phone? Like, I can't find my phone. You have it. You always go through it. Where's my phone? And I'm like, I don't have your phone.
You've been outside the entire time.
I don't know where your phone is.
[00:41:54] Lauren: You lost it. That's on you.
[00:41:56] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:41:57] Aolani: And so he ends up, I don't know, going out of the bathroom. I don't know what he did, but I ended up like just going back to plucking my eyebrows. Cause he left and he ends up busting back in there to the point to where he takes the door off the hinges.
[00:42:16] Bree: Damn.
[00:42:16] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:42:17] Lauren: Terrifying.
[00:42:18] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:42:19] Aolani: And then once he's done with the door, he came back to me and he picked me up by my throat.
And I remember like I can picture it vividly. My feet are off of the ground, pick me up by my neck, and I'm holding on to his like, wrist because it's around my neck. So I'm. I'm hanging on to like his wrists because what else am I going to do?
[00:42:42] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:42:43] Aolani: And he's just like. I don't even remember what he's saying in that moment, but he's just like telling me that I'm a piece of shit, that I'm cheating on him, that I tried to kill his baby and just sick thinking that I had his phone.
[00:43:01] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:43:01] Lauren: He's more. He's probably more upset about the phone than anything else anyway.
[00:43:04] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:43:04] Aolani: Come to find out, the next morning the phone is in the bushes right in front of where he was sitting that whole night.
[00:43:10] Bree: Of course it was.
[00:43:10] Lauren: Drunken asshole.
[00:43:12] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:43:12] Aolani: So you dropped it in the bushes. But he ends up letting me go.
And I ended up putting on a robe after that. And just this whole. I don't want to call it an argument because it's not an argument, but I don't like to call it a fight because it's a one way fight. So I don't know what to call it. But like this whole thing starts and after he lets me go, we're just going at it back and forth. But like he's pushing me around the room, he is slapping me in the face. He holds me up against the wall at one point by my neck and is just pinned me up against the wall. And then there's another time in this same night that he ends up Breenging a gun out and he holds it. He's got me up against the wall. His hands aren't on my neck at this point, but he's got me up against the wall and he's got the gun to his head, but he has my hand. He's holding my hand on the gun against his head, and he's telling me, just pull the trigger. Just pull the trigger. I know you want to do it.
[00:44:22] Bree: My God.
[00:44:23] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:44:23] Lauren: He has a lot of mental illnesses.
[00:44:25] Aolani: A lot.
[00:44:26] Bree: Oh, my God.
[00:44:27] Lauren: That's insane. He's like, I'm like, I no, if you want to do it, do it. Don't make me shoot you and then try to make me go to jail for murder. Like, if you want to do it, just do it. Damn.
[00:44:36] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:44:39] Aolani: And like, it's so sad to say, but there.
After I've gotten out of it there. There's definitely been times where I was like, it would have been self defense. Yeah, it would have been self defense for me.
[00:44:51] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:44:52] Aolani: I wouldn't have to be dealing with him five years later.
[00:44:56] Bree: So how is it now? Like, because you've gotten out of it since then, Is that correct?
[00:45:00] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:45:01] Lauren: Was there a final blow that happened like, that made you get out and.
[00:45:05] Aolani: Made you leave this night? This night was the night good for you. And he ended up putting him.
[00:45:10] Lauren: How did you leave?
Because a lot of women can't so, like, go into that too. Like, after you tell us, like, after he put the gun down, what happened?
[00:45:18] Aolani: So he ends up putting the gun down. We're still in a fight. He ends up choking me out again on the bed. And like, I mean, he choked me out multiple nights that night or multiple times that night. Punched the tv, the bedroom door, along with the bathroom door. Came off the hinges that night because of him.
[00:45:39] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:45:40] Aolani: And I ended up grabbing my phone. And me grabbing my phone. I was going to call my best friend, but we end up fighting over the phone, and it ends up calling 91 1.
[00:45:51] Bree: Good.
[00:45:52] Aolani: So when I see it dialing in that moment, I hit hang up. And they ended up calling me back.
And I have this 911 call. Actually, I've got both of the 911 calls that happened that night. And in the first 911 call, when they called me back, they were like, onslow county, whatever they say. And basically she was like, you called 911. We're calling you back. Is everything okay? And I ended up saying, yes, that it was fine. I didn't need them. He ends up coming after me again. And so I intentionally did another 911. And it was after he had call. It what it is strangled me so badly that I almost passed out. And in the 911 call, you can hear me, like, gasping for air. And that's terrifying. I basically told her, yeah, that I needed Help.
And he ended up. I was in, like, the corner of the bedroom. Like, he had finally stopped coming after me when I had finally, like, I guess after that last strangulation, he was like, oh, I guess I've had enough with. Of her. Like, he stopped coming after me, but he was still ranting in the house, all over the place.
[00:47:10] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:47:11] Aolani: And so I curled myself up, like, in the corner of our bedroom on the far side from the door. So, like, if he were to come in, I could see him at least.
So I could at least somewhat ready myself, I guess.
And he ended up realizing that I was on the phone with 91 1.
And he got in the car and he drove off. The cops ended up passing him.
[00:47:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:47:40] Aolani: But they didn't get him until, I think it was a day and a half later when he tried to go to work. And his work is on base. And when they scanned his id, they could see that he had a warrant out.
You can't go to work on a military base if you have warrants, idiot.
[00:48:00] Lauren: Did the MPs arrest him or did they just hold him until the.
[00:48:03] Aolani: The MPs held him until sheriff picked him up.
[00:48:06] Lauren: Got there good.
[00:48:07] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:48:07] Aolani: But honestly, I thank God for the deputy that showed up that night because. And I will never, ever forget it, I can picture this man's face in my head, and I remember him looking at me and telling me, we typically give victims a choice if they want to press charges or not, but I'm not giving you that choice tonight.
[00:48:29] Bree: Very good.
[00:48:30] Aolani: And I thank God for him because I don't know what would have happened past that if it weren't for him forcing it. Forcing it.
[00:48:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:48:41] Lauren: I don't know why they give victims a choice. I'm sorry. But if you could see it.
[00:48:45] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:48:45] Lauren: And you know, like, you know that there's physical. Obviously you had marks around your neck and stuff. Like, they could see it. So I'm like, just. No, like, even if they don't want to press charges, you should still press charges because it's not going to stop until they're dead.
[00:48:58] Aolani: Yeah, exactly. And that's exactly what would have happened to either him or I if we had stayed. Either him or I would have ended up dead.
[00:49:07] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
[00:49:09] Lauren: I. I mean. And that's the sad reality of domestic violence.
[00:49:12] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:49:13] Aolani: And so, yeah, that cop is what got me my freedom. Honestly, I would say.
[00:49:18] Lauren: So what happened? Did he go to jail and then you left or how did that.
[00:49:21] Aolani: So he. He went to jail.
[00:49:25] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:49:25] Aolani: And I bailed him out.
[00:49:27] Speaker D: No yeah, yeah.
[00:49:29] Lauren: But let's talk about that, because that happens a lot, right?
[00:49:31] Aolani: It does.
[00:49:32] Lauren: A lot of domestic violence, people.
[00:49:34] Aolani: Yes. I like to say survivor because I feel like I'm very much a survivor. I feel like. I mean, there. There's tons of women that bail out their abuser, and this cycle continues and continues. But I had a family that was not going to let it continue. And if it was going to continue, I was going to lose my daughter.
[00:49:59] Lauren: Yeah.
[00:49:59] Aolani: And I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't going to lose my daughter for someone that was beating me. So I ended up bailing him out. I think it was like, two days later. My parents hadn't heard about what happened yet. And obviously because. So that night when cops were called, my daughter was asleep in the house, and his daughter was asleep in the house. So obviously, when anything like that happens, whether the child saw it or not, Child protective services is called. And because he's not the biological father of my daughter, her biological father is called. And that's how my family got word of what happened is because CPS and my daughter's father.
[00:50:41] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:50:42] Lauren: Well, I'm glad that your daughter's father called them to let them know.
[00:50:46] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:50:46] Aolani: Called my mom.
[00:50:47] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:50:48] Aolani: I mean, now I'm thankful for it very.
[00:50:51] Lauren: You were pissed at the time.
[00:50:52] Aolani: Pissed, Yeah. I mean, they don't need to know my business.
[00:50:56] Lauren: Yeah, they don't need to know my business.
[00:50:58] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:50:58] Lauren: But that's how it is when you're in it, like, you know, from other survivors we've talked to and stuff. It seems like it's a trauma bond.
[00:51:05] Aolani: Yes.
[00:51:06] Lauren: And you're in this, like, trauma bond that it's a very hard cycle to break out of if you don't have support and stuff. So I'm glad that, like, somebody kind of forced your hand in that way.
[00:51:16] Aolani: I mean, there was quite a bit of time that I had bad blood with the family that was helping me. I was mad. I was embarrassed, in denial. Like, I wanted the relationship to work so, like, so much I just couldn't believe what I had gone through and what I was allowing.
[00:51:36] Lauren: I think that's. Is that. Do you think that's what a lot of it is, is the embarrassment is, like, a part of it. Like, one of the main reasons you stay. Like, you don't want to, like, actually tell anybody what you've been through? Because it's a. It's the embarrassment part of it, I think.
[00:51:47] Aolani: I think it's. Definitely has a lot to do with it. You're embarrassed. But you also, you hang on to the want and the belief that they are actually a good person. And because we had dated for six months four or five years ago and nothing bad had happened, I wanted that guy. But that guy back then didn't have a traumatic brain injury. He wasn't a full blown alcoholic back then. Yeah, I mean it was just. He was a different person back then.
And it's just.
[00:52:26] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:52:27] Aolani: So I ended up getting out when I was about two and a half, three months pregnant at that time.
[00:52:34] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:52:35] Lauren: I'm glad you got out because I like God forbid, like he could have done something to you and then that pregnant, like for him to say he was mad that you, you know, tried to terminate the pregnancy, which again, what. No matter where you believe on that, like it's your body. So.
[00:52:52] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:52:53] Lauren: But also he, I had. He could have killed that kid. Like he could have killed your, your son anyway.
[00:52:59] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:53:00] Aolani: I had never thought that I would ever be the one to abort in a pregnancy. I mean, but when you're faced with being pregnant by your abuser, I mean it, I mean, I don't know, a situation.
[00:53:18] Bree: Yeah, it's totally different.
[00:53:20] Aolani: It's a lot different.
[00:53:21] Lauren: And that's the thing is like nobody. That's what your irritates me when people judge people because it's like, stop judging people. You don't know what anybody's. You have no idea what somebody's been through.
[00:53:29] Speaker D: Nope. Yeah, you don't.
[00:53:30] Bree: And it's shocking how many stories we've heard. It's much more. It's not a ton, but it's more than what I would have ever thought about women being held at gunpoint.
[00:53:40] Aolani: Like.
[00:53:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:53:41] Bree: And even though it was pointed at his head, it, it's shocking to me that how many times that does happen.
[00:53:46] Speaker D: Oh yeah.
[00:53:47] Lauren: Yes.
[00:53:47] Aolani: And even after. So like I ended up bailing him out and um, basically family saying like, even though in. So like in his first appearance or whatever, we're obviously told to stay apart, can't be next to each other, blah, blah, blah. House is granted to me, even though the house was granted to me, obviously my family's not dumb. So my family said, you're either going to move back here or you're going to lose your daughter. So I ended up moving back to Wilkesboro. And on the weekends when I didn't have my daughter, I snuck away to Jacksonville and visited him. And in the first, second, first, second visit, third visit, something somewhere around there. Again, he's pissed. I don't remember exactly what. It's over this time. But I ruined his life. He's got charges.
[00:54:43] Lauren: Well, maybe he shouldn't put his fucking hands on you.
[00:54:45] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:54:46] Aolani: And he ends up locking. It sounds crazy when I say it, but, like. Because how can you be locked inside of a house? Because obviously locks are the other way around. But he ends up locking the entire house up. And he pulls out his gun again and he sits down on the couch. Oh, I remember how it happened, actually. He was threatening suicide again. And basically I told him. I was like, shut up. You're not going to do it. You've said this before.
And I remember turning my back to him and just holding my ears, covering my ears and closing my eyes. And I just remember in my head thinking I'm either going to hear this sound of this gun and I don't know what I'm going to see when I turn around, or I might not hear it and it's going to be me.
[00:55:35] Lauren: That's terrifying.
[00:55:36] Aolani: And that was the last time that I went and visited Jacksonville. So.
[00:55:42] Lauren: I mean, I hate that you went through that, but I'm glad that it scared you enough.
[00:55:46] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:55:47] Bree: Sometimes, which I've always heard, it takes like, seven times is like the average.
[00:55:51] Aolani: On average, seven from your abuser.
[00:55:54] Bree: But once you finally do it, like, that's something to be so proud of.
[00:55:58] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:55:59] Bree: So how is everything now? You said your son, he's.
He's five, is that right?
[00:56:04] Aolani: Four and a half ish.
Um, so I had a protection order once. I ended up, like, getting some sense into me and working with the DA Had a protection order in place, and we were great.
Um, he never reached out after I stopped giving him the chance to reach out.
I told him when my son was born, um, but never put him on the birth certificate. He.
He left us alone up until about a year ago.
[00:56:39] Speaker D: Wow.
[00:56:39] Lauren: And now he suddenly wants a relationship with his son.
[00:56:41] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:56:42] Aolani: Served me with papers for visitation.
[00:56:44] Lauren: I had, like.
[00:56:44] Aolani: But the story gets wild, too. Like, even after. Like, it's. It's crazy. Even. Even now.
[00:56:50] Lauren: So what happens?
[00:56:51] Aolani: So, serves me with papers. I'm a single mom. I do not have money for a lawyer. My initial thought is, go in this pro se. You have so much evidence. You have all of this against him. Go in at pro se. Tell the truth. It's going to be okay. No, when I tell you there's lawyers that do this full time for a fucking reason. Me working full time, being a mom full time, and then also dealing with court, it was so much.
[00:57:20] Bree: I Couldn't imagine having to juggle all of that at the same time.
[00:57:24] Aolani: Because initially the judge wanted to do 50.
[00:57:27] Speaker D: 50. Yeah.
[00:57:28] Aolani: Wild.
[00:57:29] Lauren: Even knowing everything, knowing that he tried to kill you with not necessarily even.
[00:57:33] Aolani: Hearing the story yet, like just, I missed this guy.
[00:57:37] Lauren: Didn't want to have anything to do with this kid for the first three years of his life.
[00:57:40] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:57:41] Bree: What was his reasoning for coming back around? Did he have one?
[00:57:44] Aolani: Not really, no. He's never really said like why he popped up all of a sudden.
[00:57:49] Lauren: I feel like men like that just want to inject themselves into a situation.
[00:57:54] Aolani: So I think, and this is complete speculation on my part, he has a girlfriend. This girlfriend and him have been together. They probably got together a year after him and I split. So she knows everything. Because I mean she, her and I actually were talking about him and I's situation at one of his biker parties.
He knew the abuse that was going on.
But after him and I split, about a year later, them two get together.
[00:58:30] Lauren: Their relationship speaks volumes for her.
[00:58:32] Bree: Yeah, it does.
[00:58:33] Aolani: Their relationship is so toxic that she ends up trying to commit suicide in the kitchen floor and her 16 year old daughter walks in on her and the biological dad ends up getting custody of her kids.
[00:58:48] Lauren: Holy shit.
[00:58:49] Aolani: So I think, and this is just speculation, I think that she pushed him to try to get visitations with one of his kids that are estranged because she full on lost custody of her kids. Yeah, I think she pushed him to do the visitation.
[00:59:08] Lauren: Why would you want somebody so toxic in your life?
[00:59:11] Bree: She's just as toxic.
[00:59:12] Aolani: I was going to say she's just as crazy. Yeah, she, she's just as crazy.
[00:59:16] Bree: Two peas in a pod.
[00:59:17] Lauren: I'm like, and, and how can a jud allow somebody's kid to be around that? That's what drives me nuts.
[00:59:24] Aolani: Well, we end up, I ended up having basically to hire a lawyer because family court is so messed up. It, I mean you guys could do a whole episode on, on this court or on this judge. Honestly.
[00:59:39] Bree: Was it a male judge?
[00:59:42] Aolani: Female.
[00:59:43] Bree: Oh, that's a first.
[00:59:44] Aolani: A female judge.
[00:59:46] Lauren: Yeah. We tend to get issues with male judges.
[00:59:48] Aolani: Yeah, female judge. But she has a reputation in this county for siding with men regardless of the history.
[00:59:56] Lauren: So she hates women.
[00:59:57] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:59:58] Aolani: Something happened to her.
[00:59:59] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:59:59] Lauren: She scorned because some woman like had an affair and instead of being a girl's girl, she's pissed off.
[01:00:07] Aolani: So long story short, he has the balls to request that I take a psych evaluation and drug tests because he's claiming that I'm an Unfit mother. And my lawyer said, okay, we will happily do it as long as you do it.
So this is how I find out that he is clinically. Clinically diagnosed with the intermittent explosive disorder, Alcoholic disorder, bipolar disorder, the traumatic brain injury. He just flatlines his psyche vow.
[01:00:45] Lauren: So he completely, completely failed.
[01:00:48] Aolani: It's terrible.
[01:00:49] Lauren: I love that. That backfired on him so much.
[01:00:53] Aolani: And then my lawyer looks at my psych evaluation that I had to have done, and she's like, you're extremely smart, and I'm sure you know that, but how did you end up with this guy?
[01:01:04] Lauren: But that's the thing, you know, we all. We all wonder that, like, how do we end up as smart, intelligent women? How do we end up in these abusive relationships or in these relationships where these men, like, manipulate and cheat on us, and then we stay longer than we should, and then we're sad over it. I mean, I was suicidal for a hot minute over mine, because I just was like, well, this is it. Like, I got married again, thinking this was. You know, I love that man more than anything. He could have pretty much done anything other than cheat.
[01:01:32] Aolani: You feel like a failure.
[01:01:34] Speaker D: You do.
[01:01:35] Aolani: It's embarrassing. You don't want, like. No, Nobody wanted this to happen.
[01:01:40] Bree: And I carried a lot of shame with mine, especially after my first one, there was a lot of shame. And the second one, there was shame. And the third one's like, well, fudge it. Look, I don't even know anymore. I just don't even know anymore. So.
[01:01:51] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:01:52] Aolani: But, yeah, along with his psych evaluation, his drug test. Mine's clean. His comes back with everything under the sun. Methamphetamine, cocaine, thc. I mean, nowadays, thc, whatever, but it's part of it. Methamphetamine, cocaine, thc, amphetamines, literally everything.
He fails for the judge, insane. The judge looks at all of the evidence, and she still orders one weekend a month unsupervised. Five and a half hours away in Jacksonville, North Carolina.
[01:02:27] Bree: She's lost her damn mind.
[01:02:29] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:02:30] Aolani: She is Of a mother.
If a mother had popped on a drug test like that, your kid is taken immediately.
[01:02:37] Lauren: Yep.
[01:02:37] Bree: So he has one weekend a month with his son.
[01:02:40] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:02:40] Aolani: And that was July. That started in July. So he's had August. He's had July, August, September. He's had three unsupervised visits with him. We had. I forgot a big part, actually. We had. He had two different temporary orders in place before this July order started.
And the hurricane in North Carolina kind of messed up the temporary order.
So after all that mess, whatever. There's this new temporary order that's put into place because I wasn't the one following it. Keep in mind, I live in this heart of Asheville, North Carolina. Like, this hurricane just ruined everything. I don't have a phone. I don't have running water for months, people.
[01:03:27] Lauren: Months?
[01:03:27] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:03:27] Lauren: Like, that's what people don't understand. There was no water or gas or anything for months. The schools were shut down. Like, there was nothing you could do.
[01:03:35] Aolani: Why am I going to let my son with this stranger in a temporary order sit in a hotel? What are you going to do? No, my son.
[01:03:45] Lauren: There's nowhere to go.
[01:03:46] Aolani: My son's staying home. Yeah, my son is staying home with me. He's not about to go to this stranger for these temporary visits to get to know him in a hotel.
[01:03:57] Bree: God, no.
[01:03:57] Aolani: So I didn't follow it. After the hurricane, we ended up going back. We ended up revising the temporary order, and we are told to meet in, like, the halfway point. And the very first exchange that we do, um, I was about 30 minutes late because my son had to go to the bathroom. And just. I was 30 minutes late. He's pissed because his lawyer is an idiot. And the address that she put in the temporary order is not the name of the location.
So I copied and pasted the address from the temporary order where we're supposed to meet. He just put in the name of it. So we get to two different locations.
Mine ends up being at a fire station.
His.
His was at the sheriff's office.
[01:04:51] Bree: Even better.
[01:04:52] Aolani: We were supposed to meet at the sheriff's office, but she put the wrong address. And I. I told him, I was like, I'm not leaving here. This is the address that your lawyer put down. Like, you can come here to come pick up my son. So he's pissed. Once he gets into the parking lot, he parks on, like, two.
Two spots over from my driver's side. So I get it out of the car with my son. And keep in mind, he knows the name of this guy, but he's never spent significant time with this guy. My son, the entire time is like, mom, turn back around. I want to go home. I don't want to go to his house. So my son is clenched to me. All my son knows, he's clenched, like, holding onto me. Alex gets out of the car, and he comes around the hood of his car to in between our two, and he's cussing me out, coming at me hot. And from our history, if you're if you're, like, aggressively speaking to me and just walking towards me, my natural instinct, especially with my son on my hip, was to just naturally back away.
And I slowly started backing myself away. And he's cussing me. He's like, give me my fucking son. I. I deserve my son. You've ruined this whole thing for me. Blah, blah, blah. This is all your fault. And I'm just telling him, like, this is all in front of my son.
[01:06:22] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:06:22] Aolani: And I told him. I was like, I am not giving him to you until you can calm down. This is not how you act in front of a child, let alone a child that thinks you're a stranger that you're trying to build a relationship with.
[01:06:36] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:06:36] Aolani: He. He's coming at me the entire time to the point to where we go from the driver's side door on my car, and I slowly backed myself all the way around to the passenger side door on the other side. I ended up putting my son back in the car, and I locked the car door.
And as I'm going back around, he's like, give me my fucking son. And he grabs me by my shoulders and he goes to throw me down on the ground.
I don't know how it happened, but I got so lucky in that moment. He ended up tripping and he fell good.
[01:07:16] Lauren: That was God. That was God. God was like, no, absolutely not.
[01:07:19] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:07:21] Aolani: And him tripping gave me just enough time to get into my driver door, and he ends up getting to the door faster than I could close it.
And he's in between the door, holding the door closed, and I'm just telling him, like, leave me alone. Blah, blah, blah, like, just get out of here. Like, this is not how you act in front of a child. And I'm not letting my child go with you. Find me in contempt, whatever. Like, my child's not going with you. He ends up reaching into his pocket, and I don't know what he's reaching into his pocket for.
All right, so I got my gun.
[01:07:55] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:07:55] Aolani: And I took it out of the sleeve and. And I held it right in front of me, like, in front of my stomach, like, in front of me.
And my other hand is on the door trying to close it. And I said, alex, you need to get out of here before anything happens. He's still not leaving. I don't want to pull the trigger on anybody. I don't want that.
[01:08:17] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:08:17] Aolani: And so I start screaming on the top of my lungs, help.
[01:08:21] Speaker D: Help.
[01:08:21] Aolani: Help. Me screaming and then laying on my horn, the firefighters from the Fire station end up coming out.
And that's when he finally lets go of my door. I get on the phone with 911 and drive up from the parking lot to the garage doors on the fire station. So I take another 50B out on this guy. And even still with that, the judge still says five and a half hours away, unsupervised, one week in a month.
[01:08:48] Lauren: Was this Buncombe county judge?
[01:08:49] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah.
[01:08:50] Lauren: I'm not surprised by that at all. Yeah, there's a. There's a new wave of people coming into Buncombe County. I'm sure you're not the only one that's had issues with her because she sounds like a nightmare.
[01:09:01] Bree: She's fucking idiot.
[01:09:02] Aolani: She.
[01:09:03] Lauren: Well, she hates. She hates women and shades children, so she should not be. See, my thing is, is judges are supposed to be impartial. She doesn't sound very impartial.
[01:09:11] Aolani: Take a look at the evidence. And what right mind would anybody, not knowing me, not knowing him, Take a look at the evidence that I provided. Take a look at the quote unquote evidence he provided. And just who in their right mind would do that to a child?
[01:09:30] Lauren: Right. Well, there's this whole thing where they're like, well, the child needs to know their father. Not if their father's a piece of shit. No, they don't, because it's going to hurt them.
[01:09:37] Aolani: Alcoholic, drug addict. Yeah.
[01:09:40] Lauren: That's why we keep getting in this cycle is because these kids are having to be forced around these parents who are horrible parents. What did you end up with, 4060 or just once a weekend?
[01:09:49] Aolani: Yeah, just the first weekend a month.
[01:09:52] Lauren: Okay.
[01:09:53] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:09:55] Lauren: Has your son said anything? Like, is he like. Has he said anything bad? Like, as far as, like, you know, dad does this or whatever?
[01:10:03] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:10:03] Aolani: So he comes home pretty much every weekend, I would say, pissed at me. He doesn't know how to take it out. He's four.
[01:10:11] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:10:12] Aolani: He's upset, he's confused.
But he also.
I have countless recordings of him saying that Alex hit me this weekend or Alex yelled at me this weekend. And so I've asked, like, where has he hit you? Like, what happened?
And he said he was. He was mad at me because I dropped. Blah, blah, blah. He dropped something and he got smacked across the head.
[01:10:39] Lauren: He said, can you go back to court?
[01:10:41] Aolani: I could.
And like, I've brought these video recordings to my lawyer, but basically we don't have anything until there is physical evidence of it.
[01:10:56] Lauren: Until, like, I thank God you took photos of yourself.
[01:10:59] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah.
[01:10:59] Lauren: For proof, because. And that's the thing is, a lot of women don't do is they don't take their photos. So they need to take photos. You have to take photos of yourself.
[01:11:06] Aolani: But what I ended up doing, honestly, was I. I sent those photos to my best friend because I used to delete the photos.
[01:11:14] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:11:15] Aolani: There's a lot of photos that I don't have because I've deleted them. She's ended up deleting them over time. But, like, those photos that I have left. Thank God for those.
[01:11:25] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:11:26] Aolani: Yeah, thank God. Like, my sister ended up getting her hands on them because she's kept them.
[01:11:32] Lauren: Yeah. I was going to say, if you ever, you know, if you're ever out there and a friend trusts you enough to send you those photos, just put them in a hidden folder, hang. Hang on to them and throw them in a hidden folder in your phone so that way you don't have to look at them every day. Because nobody wants to see their friend being abused, but at least that you have them in case your friend, you know, ends up needing them.
[01:11:50] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:11:51] Lauren: I'm really glad that you got away from. From him. But I hate that your son's having to see him, even if it is only once a month. Because what's sad is it's a sad reality in the world we live in where a kid has to have a bruise on his face for physical evidence.
[01:12:07] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:12:07] Lauren: For proof, for somebody to actually do something.
[01:12:09] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:12:10] Aolani: Family court needs reformed so badly, it's. It's a joke.
[01:12:15] Speaker D: Yep.
[01:12:16] Lauren: Yeah, it's pretty bad out there. It's not any better in Alabama, so don't come here.
But, man, well, I'm glad you got out and, you know, it seems like you're doing a lot better.
Are you in a relationship now?
[01:12:30] Aolani: Not in a relationship.
[01:12:32] Lauren: Okay.
[01:12:32] Aolani: I actually am a surrogate right now.
[01:12:36] Lauren: That's awesome.
[01:12:37] Aolani: I'm. Yeah, I'm seven months pregnant right now.
[01:12:41] Lauren: You do not look pregnant, but I can't see your belly.
[01:12:44] Aolani: Let's see.
[01:12:47] Lauren: How sweet of you to do that for somebody.
[01:12:51] Aolani: Loved. Loved being pregnant, which sounds crazy to some women, but, yeah, I loved being pregnant. Both of my labor and delivery. Deliveries were amazing. My son, if I would have left the house any later, then he would have been a car baby.
[01:13:07] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:13:08] Lauren: He was like, I'm coming out. Coming out quick.
[01:13:11] Aolani: But I mean, he was meant to be here, so I guess he was in a rush.
[01:13:14] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:13:15] Lauren: He was like, yeah, I'm coming.
[01:13:16] Aolani: Let me get out of here.
[01:13:19] Lauren: Well, that's awesome. Glad you're able to do that. For somebody.
[01:13:21] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:13:22] Aolani: I haven't been in a relationship since I gave this one guy a try, and, I don't know, like, nothing was wrong with him. He was amazing.
It was just me.
I just didn't want to be in a relationship.
[01:13:33] Speaker D: Well.
[01:13:33] Lauren: And he may have seemed amazing, but I do believe that once we've been through the kind of, like, crazy trauma and crazy relationships, that even though. Even if it's, like, quick, like, oh, he seemed like a good guy, seemed like a nice guy. Like, if you're not feeling it, then there's. There's something there. Like, your intuition is more. Go with your gut. Yeah. There's a. There's something that you listen more now than you used to.
[01:13:55] Aolani: I agree with that.
[01:13:56] Bree: Yeah, absolutely.
[01:13:58] Lauren: So. But there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not in a relationship either, and nor will I be probably ever again.
[01:14:03] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:14:04] Lauren: Because I'm like, absolutely not. So, you know, it's. It's crazy, but I'm glad that you. You made it out. You survived, and, you know, definitely would love to be kept updated on everything and, like, where it goes in the future, so. And I hope. I hope. I don't want your son to have to endure anything, so I really hope he does not endure anything. He doesn't deserve that. But I also don't think that man deserves to be with his son, so.
[01:14:26] Aolani: Definitely not.
[01:14:27] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:14:27] Aolani: I don't even. I mean, I don't even call him dad. My son doesn't call him dad.
[01:14:33] Lauren: Alex. Yep. I don't. I don't blame you. I mean, that's what he is. He's a person.
[01:14:37] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:14:37] Aolani: And, I mean, how can you expect a child that's never met you to just automatically start calling you dad?
[01:14:45] Speaker D: Yeah.
[01:14:46] Bree: Not possible.
[01:14:47] Speaker D: Yeah.
Yeah.
[01:14:49] Aolani: It's crazy. Insane to me, but I definitely take it as a survivor story. I like to share my story so that people. Other people aren't so ashamed or embarrassed.
[01:15:04] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely.
[01:15:05] Aolani: It's okay to talk about it. And the only way that we can help others and try to stop the cycle is by talking about it. If we stay silent, it's going to continue.
[01:15:20] Lauren: 100%. Absolutely. And I'm glad that you contacted us and was willing to come on and share your story.
[01:15:26] Aolani: Thank you.
[01:15:27] Lauren: With us. Well, thanks again for coming on. And, Bree, we'll see you next week.
[01:15:31] Bree: See you next week.
